I'm becoming anxious about sex with DP

[MySordidCakeSecret]

Hi everyone, I'm looking for some help or advice if anyone has similar experiences.

I've been with dp for coming up 7 yrs, not without our issues over that time. I had our 2nd child 5 months ago and this is where some problems have begun in our relationship.

I had an episiotomy so the healing was a rough ride, my DP has always had an extremely high sex drive. By this I mean it probably dominates 80% of his conversations with me, more than half the time he comes near me he touches me, and he is extremely forward.

Basically since I healed being intimate has not felt the same for me at all, and it's developed into anxiety which is compounded by his attitudes. This came to a head recently when we spent an evening together, I had made an effort with appearance so he took it as a given we would be intimate. He came on to me very strong out of nowhere and I had to use force to push his hand away, then he was extremely persistant in doing another act by which time i was totally turned off. But I froze up a bit because i get too worried to say something. He then ordered me to move, and when i said why he got angry and had to go for a cigarette.

It's incidents like this that get me anxiuos and our relationship is being affected. The way I feel now I'd be happy to have a long break from sex. But I can't even cuddle him, if i want to go near him or touch him I have to seriously consider if i would be up for intimacy because he gets over-excited.

He's being all calm and it's fine about it for the time being, but due to past infidelities I'm getting really worried and feeling under a lot of pressure

[Bishboshbash]

Do you want to be with him? He sounds horrible tbh, you shouldn't have to feel under pressure at all.

[FlopIsMyParentingGuru]

Oh gosh he sounds terrible. I cannot imagine being in a relationship with someone like that.
No suggestions but you have my complete sympathies

[Hillfarmer]

How awful for you OP.

'extremely forward' does not sound comfortable at all. Is he trying to compel you to have sex? Not good.

Does this man profess to love you? He is treating you as if he owns you. You need to tell him that a caring partner would back off until you are ready. Your undercarriage has been through a major trauma and still healing. Pressurising you into sex is the biggest turn-off ever.

Can you talk to your GP about this? You need some support.

[MySordidCakeSecret]

He's loving and a brilliant dad, i think we have a good relationship but this is his downside, if he doesn't have regular sex he becomes stressed, distant and angry.

I wouldn't say he tries to compel me, on that night he was groping me and getting his penis out. He will practically put it in my face or against me sort of thing it really does nothing for me at all.

It's not that I don't want to be intimate, but after the episiotomy i don't feel the same, and i get really worried that it's not the same. I just can't relax.

For example as well the other night we were intimate and I just wanted him to hurry up and finish, If I say to stop he will always stop immediately but then he gets really funny about it and a long conversation ensues and we both end up feeling rubbish.

[MySordidCakeSecret]

I did see the gp because i was sure i hadn't healed properly and was having pain, but they said apart from some inflammation it was fine I just know i have a short amount of time before real problems come in our relationship.

[squishee]

due to past infidelities I'm getting really worried and feeling under a lot of pressure

So if I've read the situation right, you're feeling like you're being held hostage due to his past infidelities (afraid he'll stray if you don't put out?)
That's a horrible dysfunctional situation to be in.

And he gets over-excited? It sounds like as a father of 2, he needs to grow up. And as the PP has suggested, I think you should think about whether you want to continue living like this.

[Solasum]

Any decent man would understand your reservations. Can he not look after himself? 80% of conversations about sex is entirely beyond my comprehension. Do you have anything in common?

[Bishboshbash]

Have you told him you want to have a break from having sex? I think it all depends if you think he will change. I couldn't be doing with being constantly groped and made to feel uncomfortable in my own home.

[gatewalker]

Being a loving and brilliant dad and being utterly out of consent and abusive in that regard are not mutually exclusive, OP.

How dare he?! I wouldn't be tolerating it for one minute, good dad or no.

A good father also cares for the wellbeing of his children's mother. Please remember that.

[MySordidCakeSecret]

So if I've read the situation right, you're feeling like you're being held hostage due to his past infidelities (afraid he'll stray if you don't put out?)

The bracketed part yes basically. He hasn't done anything for over a yr but everytime he has it's always been "we were going through a rough patch etc"

I did tell him last night he needs to grow up. He does take steps to stop it for example if we're spooning and he gets excited he'll rolll over and say he has to stop because of it, but the problem is that happens after 30 seconds, so we don't get to cuddle unless intimacy is involved.

Not really much in common but i think usually our relationship is quite good it's mainly if it's been a few days, he'll literally tell me that he wants it constantly and always proposition me which is tiring.

[BolshierAryaStark]

He needs to grow the fuck up & back off. Nothing is more of a turn off than petulant sulking when sex is off the agenda.
I'd lay it on the line for him, either he puts up until you feel ready or he fucks off.
He doesn't sound great from your description of him anyway so no great loss...
I'd also have another check at the Dr's to be on the safe side & also mention the anxiety.

[MySordidCakeSecret]

He explained that night that because of testosterone it makes him angry and any man would be angry if they were led on and then all that energy had nowhere to go and that's why he had to leave the room for 10 minutes to calm down. But I didn't lead him on! I froze a bit because i was trying to work out if i wanted it or not but was worried at the same time, i was having to say no and push him away so much that it was over for me.

[Costacoffeeplease]

It sounds like sexual abuse to me, sorry, and he sounds like a selfish twunt, I don't think it's something you can continue to put up with - he needs to back off

[Costacoffeeplease]

Oh god, major cross post - I take it back, he's not a selfish twunt he's an abusive, idiotic, dickhead, how dare he? Please don't put up with this any longer, it's totally unacceptable to blame you for his infidelity. I'm not sure you should be looking to save this relationship at all

[MySordidCakeSecret]

He was very understanding last night when i explained i was struggling and needed him to stop acting like that, and that i wanted some time. But give it a few days and it'll get difficult.

He makes me feel frigid basically, i probably am right now that's how it feels but it's because of childbirth.

[HoggleHoggle]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. He sounds absolutely awful, just awful. It's not your fault that any sort of contact gets him so randy he has to fucking walk away if he doesn't get a shag. You are not a toy for his pleasure. And the anger he's linking with it is very worrying.

And as for blaming you, essentially, for his infidelities, utterly dispicable.

I'm sorry but from what you've said he doesn't sound a nice man at all.

In your heart, do you think he will always stop when you ask? From what you've said it doesn't sound like something I'd count on.

[FellOutOfBedTwice]

Another one saying that this sounds abusive. I would not be putting up with this behaviour from a partner and clearly he feels he has carte Blanche to cheat if he's not getting sex. Ridiculous and not right at all. I would be kicking him out frankly, let someone else be what amounts to a blow up doll. Ergh, sorry OP but your description of him has made my skin crawl.

[Solasum]

OP. Sorry to be crude, but You are more than a convenient hole, please remember that!

Definitely worth getting a second opinion re your healing as well.

[squishee]

He hasn't done anything for over a yr

Break out the champagne - he hasn't cheated on you for over a whole entire year! What a catch.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. But you need to find some self-respect. You (and your DCs) deserve far better.

[DriverSurpriseMe]

This is not normal.

A loving man does not force his wife to have sex, either using emotional blackmail (because you know he'll make your life a misery if you say no) or literally (coming on strong, using physical force, intimidating you by getting his penis out). That sounds frightening.

Sex dominates 80% of his conversations with you? Christ, he literally can't talk about anything else? This is not a man that loves and respects you. It looks like he sees you as somewhere to put his cock.

I'm sorry, it sounds like a horrible way to live.

[MySordidCakeSecret]

In your heart, do you think he will always stop when you ask? From what you've said it doesn't sound like something I'd count on.

That incident the other night was the first time ever that I was worried.
He's never not stopped if i've said specifically stop and that was the first time he got angry too, it's got worse since the baby and less frequent intimacy. I know that was really wrong, if that had happened early days i'd never see that person again but it really was the first time and he said sorry and that he was wrong.

If he cheated on me again he knows it would be the last time, it hasn't been physical cheating he's done always messages.

[MySordidCakeSecret]

Just to make sure it's clear, i will give a more frank breakdown of what happened:

We were cuddling whilst watching edward scissor hands - at this point i am happy. Then during a sad bit he goes to grope me, i push him away because i'm into the film and it's the wrong time. He gets assy.

Then the film has finished and we are still cuddling, he goes to put his hand down my leggings, i tense up and push his hand away. He persists I say stop, he persists and i have to push his hand away.

Then I rolled over to have a stretch, and he gets up and removes my bottom halfs. I at this point am not sure, I'm not "turned on" but still not sure. He then tries to put his head down there, and he knows that I don't like this. I close my legs and cover myself, he persists, I still resist, this goes on for a few minutes and then he stands up having given up.

He then told me to get in corner, at this point he has removed his trousers. I freeze in the same position not sure what he means and what to do. I ask why, and he gets angry and says he needs a cigarette.

[gatewalker]

OP - Consider this as normal:

You're lying in bed and our partner initiates sexual contact. You say to him, "Not tonight, sweetheart. I much rather cuddle," and he responds with, "Of course." You cuddle. You both fall asleep. End of story. No recriminations, no passive aggressive behaviour. The next day is a new day, where you're free to do and say the same thing again.

Can you see this as a possibility in your relationship?
If not, can you see your partner getting help with what is obviously abusive and poor impulse control?

• If you answered no to the first but yes to the second, then you're in with a narrow chance (He is unlikely to change with the attitude he has).
  
• If you answered no to both, then please leave and see what you can do to start loving yourself enough to understand that non-consent is unacceptable.

[MySordidCakeSecret]

We don't really spend a lot of time together just evenings and weekends unless i'm at running club or he's with his mate.

[gatewalker]

"our partner"?

*your partner, obv.