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AIBU?

to not want him there

222 replies

ginghamknickers · 09/04/2016 00:05

I am part of an Nct group who meet approx every two weeks. Our dc are all around 4 months old and most of us are still breastfeeding undecided if we ever want to have sex again dealing with body issues etc which we like to discuss. One of the girls is going back to work and her husband is taking over her parental leave. She's asked if he can come to the meetings instead of her. No one has said no but I know a few of the girls don't like him me included and to be honest he's just a bit of a twat. A well meaning twat, but still a twat. I don't really want to go if he's there, it feels like someone has invaded our safe place. He's been once with her and I couldn't wait for him to leave. I will most probably avoid the meetings if he ends up going all the time which is a shame as they are a nice bunch but it's just not the same. AIBU to not want him there and think she's a bit cheeky for asking for him to join and should I/can I say anything?

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CalleighDoodle · 09/04/2016 00:06

Yea you are bu.

WetLettuce123 · 09/04/2016 00:07

YANBU. Can't you make the meetings for mothers or something and explain is not just parenting you discuss its pregnancy and the aftermath too?

CalleighDoodle · 09/04/2016 00:07

Just continue as you are and he might decide listing to you all talking about your body issues and lack of sex drive every week is not his cup of tea and not go again anyway.

getyourfingeroutyournose · 09/04/2016 00:08

I don't know on this one. Without knowing him personally I couldn't say either way.
What does he do that earns him the twat title?
If it's just a man invading mothers space then can you not remember he is a dad who will probably need a hefty amount of support as he will essentially be doing what his wife has been for months? That in itself needs applauding.

WorraLiberty · 09/04/2016 00:09

YABU and quite cliquey from the sound of it.

These groups are open to all parents aren't they? You can't expect to like every single one of them.

You've met him once for goodness sake.

Just avoid the meetings, since you are the one with the problem.

OrangesandLemonsNow · 09/04/2016 00:10

YABU. I agree with Worra

getyourfingeroutyournose · 09/04/2016 00:11

also I wouldn't stop going or talking about sex and everything you already talk about. Heck, if you really don't want him there start a conversation on "the worst period you've ever had" or the ridiculous amount of bleeding post childbirth. If he's like any of the men I know, he'll leave pretty sharpish and proclaim he needs the loo only to sit there for two hours (exP did this during my labour with our son)

WorraLiberty · 09/04/2016 00:16

Yes I agree you shouldn't stop talking about things you normally talk about.

I disagree you should purposely discuss things you don't really want to talk about, just to make him uncomfortable though.

If he's taking over parental leave, then he'll need just as much support as the other parents in the group.

I thought this kind of 'freezing' other parents out only happened at the school gate.

Topseyt · 09/04/2016 00:24

Why do you dislike him so vehemently? What has offended you about him?

He is probably apprehensive about taking over the parental leave role. He may need support, not cliquey-ness.

ginghamknickers · 09/04/2016 00:26

Worra no it's an established group, I've met him loads of times, it's not open to all parents it's a group of friends who went to an Nct course and have stayed in touch. Might just be because his Dw moans about him all the time so we all hear bad things about what he does at home but he's pretty sexist and just not really my cup of tea.

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Limelight · 09/04/2016 00:26

Wow! YA def BU and a bit cliquey. Makes me extremely glad i didn't join an NCT group.

Aspergallus · 09/04/2016 00:29

YABU.

This kind of shit holds women and men back in the quest for equal parenting.

And YABU for using "safe place". Safe from what? The phrase is extremely irritating in most contexts but is a real stretch if what you really mean is safe to maintain your preferred choice of individuals in your middle-class clique.

TowerRavenSeven · 09/04/2016 00:30

IMO Yanbu.

ginghamknickers · 09/04/2016 00:30

Ok I don't think I explained it properly Nct is long over, that's just where we met. It's more just mates meeting up nothing to do anymore with the Nct. Not really parenting related, obviously dc are there but not specifically for support with parenting. Think that's why I'm pissed off. Wouldn't mind if he came to parenting stuff, joined us at playgroup etc.

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WorraLiberty · 09/04/2016 00:30

Oh ok, I took He's been once with her and I couldn't wait for him to leave, as meaning you've only met him once.

Either way, your friend obviously thinks it's important for him to have the support of the group.

I think you should give him a fair go, if only for her sake.

WorraLiberty · 09/04/2016 00:32

X posted.

Tbh, your subsequent posts are so far removed from you opening post, it's hard to know how to reply

Basically, you're asking if you're being unreasonable not to want your mates husband to turn up when you meet the rest of your mates for a chat?

In that case YANBU.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 09/04/2016 00:33

Could you explain how he's a 'twat'?

PaulAnkaTheDog · 09/04/2016 00:34

Right ok. So it's now just a bunch of friends? Why didn't you say so?

MartinaJ · 09/04/2016 00:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ginghamknickers · 09/04/2016 00:36

Sorry, just thought it was relevant. Obviously not. I suppose because they are specific baby mates so haven't known them as long. If it was other older mates I'd have no problem saying something just wasn't sure if I was being too sensitive.

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Aspergallus · 09/04/2016 00:37

I obviously imagined the bit where you said "I am part of an NCT group who meet every 2 weeks".

Basically the problem actually is, you meet up with some friends regularly and are soon to be joined by someone you don't much like.

Still think YABU for referring to this social situation as a safe place. Sounds like trying to legitimise cliquey-ness.

ginghamknickers · 09/04/2016 00:40

Martina who said mothers were the only ones who were real parents? I don't really like him as a person. Nothing to do with how he is as a parent. His little girl is lovely and obviously well looked after although he doesn't lift a finger in the house. Shouldn't have mentioned Nct. My bad.

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PaulAnkaTheDog · 09/04/2016 00:40

Cringing at 'baby mates'! They're your friends. 'Baby mates' is why new mothers who meet people in 'groups' like yours feel awkward.

MartinaJ · 09/04/2016 00:41

Oh, now I see it's a bunch of friends. Could it be the girl didn't consider your group really friends but simply a kind of a parental support group? And would it be possible she felt like he could learn something fromi it?

ginghamknickers · 09/04/2016 00:42

Asp not really up to you to define what I feel my safe place is that's totally subjective to me and my personal situation.

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