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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

DD sex with friend

181 replies

BelleJinx · 07/12/2014 13:38

My DD (17) stayed at a friends after a party on Friday. Her best friend and her best friends boyfriend stayed in one room and my DD, another girl and 2 boys stayed in another. There were only 2 beds but because they were all a bit drunk, they had one girl and one boy in each bed.
My DD stayed in the bed of a boy she has liked for over a year and they regularly have kissed at parties but never dated or done anything past kissing. She admitted to me that one thing led to another and they had sex.
I was shocked at this because although DD has had sex with boyfriends in the past, she never had casual sex with someone she is not dating (least that im aware of). How would you react if this was your DD?

OP posts:

Report

magpieginglebells · 07/12/2014 13:41

I would talk to her about safer sex, but apart from that I'm not sure there is anything else to say. She's a consenting adult so can shag who she likes.

mummybare · 07/12/2014 13:48

Did they use protection? She may need help getting emergency contraception sorted.

Other than that, though, it sounds as though you have a terrific open relationship that she is able to talk about these things with you, so I wouldn't want to do anything to jeopardise that. Just try to keep the lines of communication open and try not to focus on how you feel about it - the main thing is to be there to listen to how she feels.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 07/12/2014 13:50

How great that your 17yo is comfortable discussing this with you. Why do you find it shocking though?

AnyFucker · 07/12/2014 13:51

I wouldn't feel anything other than glad she told me

Does she need emergency contraception ?

chocoluvva · 07/12/2014 15:50

Is she hopeful that they might start dating now? Does she regret it? IMO she has nothing to be ashamed off, but it's obviously not exactly romantic. The thing to learn from this experience would be that alcohol lessens your inhibitions and to be careful in future about getting into situations where the opportunity to do things you might regret later is increased by the fact of having had alcohol.

I'd give the same advice to my DS. (before anyone accuses me of being sexist)

When my DD was 17 I used to discourage her from staying over at parties to try to protect her from this sort of thing, but she'd stay over anyway....

Moodykat · 07/12/2014 15:52

Well done to you for having the sort of relationship where she can tell you things like this. I hope my children will be able talk to me like that when they are older.

chocoluvva · 07/12/2014 16:01

Does your DD know that you're shocked?

IsItMeOr · 07/12/2014 16:11

So impressed she has felt able to tell you about this. Well done on having such an open relationship with your DD.

It does sound like it wasn't entirely casual from her side, if she has liked him for a year. I guess she may be feeling confused about what happens next, and whether he feels the same way as her (whatever that is)?

I would be shocked too, but would try not to show it.

glammanana · 07/12/2014 16:11

Well done you for bringing up you DD to be honest and open with you,just make sure no emergency contraception is not needed and if it is get her to a walk in centre asap.Don't be hard on her as she may close off to you about future problems.

MoreBonkersThanBonkers · 07/12/2014 16:19

Are you saying that she had sex in a room where there were two other people? If so, then that's a bit tacky and I might point out that it wasn't the best of plans. She is being a bit daft if she thinks the others wouldn't have known what she was up to.

As others have suggested I'd also ask about contraception. I'm happy for my DCs to have their partners stay over but I have made my feelings about contraception clear. I'm happy to provide condoms etc.

Otherwise, it's up to her what she gets up to.

BelleJinx · 08/12/2014 07:06

Thank you all for the replies! She took the morning after the next day.
I'm mainly surprised that she would have sex so quickly in a sense that the second she got into bed with this guy it happened.
She's very confused to what happens now with this boy

OP posts:

dexter73 · 08/12/2014 07:56

I would be much more concerned that she had unprotected sex with someone than the one night stand aspect of it. What happens next? She needs an STI check.

chocoluvva · 08/12/2014 09:36

That's a shame. I hope it works out with this boy - though I don't feel very hopeful about him.
She made a mistake while under the influence - and she won't be the only one to have done similar. She needs to talk to the boy to clear the air either way and hold her head high whatever happens as a result of this.
I hope the boy is mature enough to discuss this with her, especially as she had to go and get MAP sorted. If not, it's a hard lesson to learn for her. Chalk it up to experience and don't look back. She's had a lucky escape from this lad if he isn't nice to her now.

crje · 10/12/2014 17:21

Friends with benefits wouldn't be that unusual.
I would be concerned if it was an 'unknown' one night stand.

The answer to what happens next is
Probably nothing. If this is upsetting for her then casual sex isn't for her.

Well done on the open relationship.

Pippidoeswhatshewants · 10/12/2014 17:33

It's great that she told you!
Nothing wrong with having a bit of fun when you're young, but I think there are a few lessons to be learnt here:
Unprotected sex is obviously not a great idea.
Having sex with somebody you fancy is unlikely to lead to you having a relationship with somebody. took me a while to figure that one out

radiobedhead · 10/12/2014 17:55

I'd be thrilled she told me but a bit worried about not using contraception.

What happens next with the boy will have to be figures out by her and him

victorianhomedreamer · 10/12/2014 18:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

radiobedhead · 10/12/2014 18:17

Girls don't know how to put boundaries around themselves?

Why just girls?

BUUUUULSHIT.

radiobedhead · 10/12/2014 18:19

Maybe young women don't all want a steady boyfriend?

Are you sure you have an inner feminist? Cause you're spouting sexist bollocks

victorianhomedreamer · 10/12/2014 18:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tumbletumble · 10/12/2014 18:24

Hi OP

When I was a little older than your DD I had a couple of one night stands with boys I knew but had never dated and did not go on to date (although I would have liked to with one of them).

I'm a 'good girl' IYKWIM (have only slept with six men in my life - I'm 40 now) so I don't think this is shocking or says anything bad about your DD.

As others have said, it may be a learning experience for her (ie she may realise this often doesn't lead to a relationship).

radiobedhead · 10/12/2014 18:26

You can say you're being 'frank' and 'real' as much as you like... You're talking about your experience.

I've known as many young men who could do one night stands as I do women. Young men can be vulnerable too, hence the staggering suicide rates.

I'm sorry you and your friends had a rough time, but plenty of women make conscious choices and they don't need patronising.

victorianhomedreamer · 10/12/2014 18:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mathanxiety · 10/12/2014 23:49

I would be happy my DD told me.

However, if she was drunk, then she was raped and I would deal with this as rape.

MrsRaegan · 10/12/2014 23:51

Why is it rape if she was drunk?

You can be drunk and still give meaningful consent!

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