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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

What to do with exW?

202 replies

BuildingBlocks9 · 09/05/2015 09:15

I have been with my DP for the almost 2 years and I have recently given birth to our DD. DP has a DD (almost 3) from his previous marriage – the relationship broke down when his DD was 1,he moved and divorce was granted in Jan 2015.I met his DD in Feb this year (taking her to restaurant and park couple of times).He has not told his exW about having a new partner and a baby (told her 4 days before birth).She is a very argumentative woman and we were worried that it may impact on my pregnancy and new baby.Now she is taking him to court that at the last hearing for custody (back in Feb 2015) he had not revealed the info about new partner nor my pregnancy, that he had not disclosed it and the shared residency order should be cancelled.We knew that once she know about me and our DD she might flip out. For the sake of his DD he lives in a rented accommodation (as he has EOW and couple of overnights per week), in a years time we are thinking about living together full time (moving to a larger place that his DD has her own bedroom). He brings his DD to spend time with us, we organise outings as a family,we understand that she needs to accept me and her DB slowly.
How can I help my DP? Shall I get involved or take step back?

OP posts:

Report

ItBoilsMyPiss · 09/05/2015 09:22

So a new woman and a new baby was thrown at your DPs daughter with no warning? I'm sorry but that is incredibly bizarre behaviour from your DP and if I were the exW I'd go fucking ballistic. This is not normal behaviour and I'd bet the 3YO is distressed by these massive changes all at once.

Whiskwarrior · 09/05/2015 09:32

So DD is almost 3 and he spli with her Mum when she was 1 (two years ago) and you've been with him for 2 years?

I hate when people do the 'are you the OW?' line, but in this case you sound like you are! Coupled with the fact that you've been a secret for the whole of your relationship I'd say something isn't right here.

And it's not with the ex wife.

BuildingBlocks9 · 09/05/2015 09:35

My pregnancy was not easy and we were worried that exW will go mad if she finds out and I will be under enormous stress and may not manage to carry my pregnancy to full term.
ExW had to tell sth to their DD as sometimes she does not want to come with DP and at night cries for her mum.
As I said - we are taking things slowly. DP does not live with me full time, he still rents his own place for him and DD to have their own space.

OP posts:

CaptainAnkles · 09/05/2015 09:36

It sounds like she would've been furious at him finding someone else and having another child whenever she was told about it. You should've told her sooner than you did and given her time to take it in.

no73 · 09/05/2015 09:40

You're the OW so no wonder she has gone batshit about it. She was lied to by her Ex while together and lied to when he left. Show the woman some respect as that will be you in a couple of years as you have hardly taken it slowly seeing as you have a child by him already!

It shouldn't be the ex wife you should be worried about it should be him!!

No way should you have met his daughter without his ex knowing, very very disrespectful and unfair on a small child to realise she can not speak freely of what she does with her dad.

Anyway you will realise how it feels to be in that position when he moves onto his next woman and leaves you with a small child.

BuildingBlocks9 · 09/05/2015 09:41

We met when they were still married but he was really unhappy in his marriage - his exW even numerous times reported him to the police for DV which is ridiculous as he is the most caring and gentle man who absolutely loves his DD. And for him to have an access to his DD and overnight contact - he had to go to courts for the past 2 years as every single hearing she was against extending contact etc.

OP posts:

Finola1step · 09/05/2015 09:43

So he was married. He left his wife and was in a relationship with you very quickly. You then have a baby together. He hides this from his wife during their divorce. You might live together in the future. Yours and the baby's existence was then revealed to the dd and his now ex wife just after the divorce was finalised.

And you wonder why the ex is going back to court? Good grief woman. Step right back and while your doing so, have a good, hard think about why he was so keen to hide his relationship with you during his divorce proceedings.

CaptainAnkles · 09/05/2015 09:45

Wow. Okay, maybe she's completely nuts and makes everything up. But as a rule, people don't report cases of DV when nothing has happened. He might have been lovely and gentle so far, but how do you know for a fact that that's the case in his marriage?

Finola1step · 09/05/2015 09:45

You posted for advice. Listen very carefully.

no73 · 09/05/2015 09:49

Domestic violence between adults unfortunately doesn't stop the courts from stopping access as you would see on the relationship board. The fact the police were involved at all shows their was clearly some level of DV going on. You need to learn a lot about DV before you make a judgement on that one!

You are the OW, she is never going to like the fact you are with her ex husband, you broke their family up and have prevented her DD from having a full time daddy along with his slimy shitty arse!! But not only did you clearly have an affair but you got pregnant very quickly...how do you think she is going to feel about that?? Put yourself in her shoes?? Men lie a lot when in these situations and you are only hearing one side of the story.

Neither you nor her ex have shown her or her daughter any kind of respect about what has actually happened and the impact that will have. Her baby was tiny when he walked out for you and then he very quickly replaced her DD for one with you. Grow up and stop slating her, stay out of it.

BuildingBlocks9 · 09/05/2015 09:54

Hi exW behaves juvenile, I am more mature than her and maybe that is why we are more suited. If he was happy in their marriage, they would have still be together.
This morning DPs exW texted that she would like to meet me because I am spending more time with their DD and she needs to get to know me. I know it will be all about slating me and my DP. I am happy to meet her when she cools down but it may take time. Now I am not ready

OP posts:

esiotrot2015 · 09/05/2015 09:57

I would meet her tbh
You'll be seeing her a lot in future years , at birthday parties etc

You're housing situation sounds a mess though

So your not living with dp ?

GratefulHead · 09/05/2015 09:57

You really ARE suited aren't tou....and that's not in a good way.

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 09/05/2015 10:02

Being the OW is never going to bode well with anyone on here or on real life. You will be seen as a homewrecker. However at face value you say your dp was unhappy and ended up with you. It's all moved pretty quick and now you have a child to this man. So really he should be focused on his 2 children you on yours and his ex on hers. I'm sure all 3 adults want what's best for their children. So maybe you and dp go meet his ex together. see what she has to say. But I would make it clear that as soo. As she starts slagging you off you are leaving.

I have been with my dp 3 years not the OW and never officially met his ex. If we had a sit down we might not be in the shot storm we are in today.

But I do think you need to keep out of whatever arguements dp and his ex have. Don't get involved unless it directly affects you or your dc.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 09/05/2015 10:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BuildingBlocks9 · 09/05/2015 10:02

Esiotrot2015 - he comes to live with us when he does not have his DD overnight (only then he sleeps in his place). We spend all days together, he does have quality time with his DD (takes her to birthday parties, cinema only him and his DD), then he returns to his place for night. It is only when he has DD for overnight stay. He extended his lease for another year to give DD and exW some time before we move together to a bigger place. My DM stays with me and helps out with DD and I am returning to work in July.

OP posts:

Tequilashotsfor1 · 09/05/2015 10:05

I wouldn't go. You don't have to and I can imagine she is spitting mad.

Stay out of it.

You can tell a man worth by how he treats he past wives/partners so unfortunatly for you, you could end up in the same boat one day.

DocHollywood · 09/05/2015 10:10

I'm not sure I'm following. If there was as much DV as reported I would've thought she'd be pleased that he left and is out of her hair. If she lied about that then the marriage obviously wasn't a happy one and, again, she should be happy that he's gone. Why is he scared of her? I definitely think you should meet her on her terms, no point in adding fuel to the fire by being obstructive. And I see her point about wanting to know you. How would you feel about your own child spending time with a stranger? The sooner you get the meeting over and 'rules' sorted the better.

Tequilashotsfor1 · 09/05/2015 10:14

That why I wouldn't go - 'the rules'

DP is the father - so any 'rules' need to be hashed out with him.

When things die down then go and meet, but why the formal meeting? It's not an interview and exw will be gearing up for a fight which would be very uncomfortable for their dd. And colour the view she may make of her DF partner.

BuildingBlocks9 · 09/05/2015 10:14

DocHollywood -exactly! She still remains bitter and goes on and on about the past. She is jealous that he has move on and has settled.She cannot move on and still has unfinished business with DP.Maybe she is still hoping that they will get back together...

OP posts:

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 09/05/2015 10:18

OP you don't sound very mature- you haven't met this woman, you don't know her- only how her ex husband has painted her- and painted her specifically to you, the woman he cheated with. A mature person may have noticed the red flags he was waving all over the place at the start of your relationship with him- and also wouldn't assume that a mother's reasonable request to meet someone who is doing to spend a lot of time with her daughter as anything other than in the interests of the child in question. You need to ALL behave as the adults here. Meet her, remain civil, talk about how you can all work together to help your partner's daughter cope with the situation.

Also look into your own situation legally- it doesn't sound massively secure at the moment.

If I was his ex wife, I wouldn't be wanting to slag you off so much as be concerned for you- she was in love with him with a small baby once too, not so very long ago. They were even married first- they'd clearly thought it through, at least a bit. And look how he treated her. I'd be worried for you.

Whiskwarrior · 09/05/2015 10:19

She reported him for DV on several occasions but you think she made it up because it hasn't happened to you?!?

You don't live with him. You only get the best bits. You don't know what he's like to live with.

You've been with him for 2 years. There is a chilling piece of info that comes up on the Relationships board again and again. Abusers often hide their abusive side for the first couple of years until the relationship is established.

You are having a baby with this man who has been reported several times for DV. He has already left two children for another woman (and I don't care what step-parents say, the children are left behind too, even with contact).

He sounds like a cowardly, lying prick and you are being a cliche, trotting out lines about the 'nightmare ex'.

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no73 · 09/05/2015 10:19

3cheeky thats not how is ex is going to see it though...

BuildingBlocks9 · 09/05/2015 10:23

OneDay - DD with his exW was not planned and they married when she was already pregnant.At least we knew one another for longer before having our DD.We have not planned to get pregnant so quickly or at least when his divorce his finalised

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 09/05/2015 10:24

OP, your idea of "taking it slowly" is way different to mine!

I feel very uneasy about how you describe your DP acting, especially with the accusations of DV from the XW. I think you need to be very careful, very aware and have an exit plan just in case.

Flip

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