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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Am I right to text this woman?

362 replies

deutschland83 · 05/05/2016 15:19

Work colleague of DHs, unsolicited messages on his phone. Late night texts when's she's out. Latest is a picture of underwear laid out.

I want to tell her to fuck off.

Should I?

He doesn't know I have seen them.

OP posts:

Report

mogloveseggs · 05/05/2016 15:20

Think I'd be confronting him first.

Only1scoop · 05/05/2016 15:21

I'd probably be telling him to 'fuck off'

Not her

AddToBasket · 05/05/2016 15:22

Yeah, don't lose your dignity to her! He's the problem.

flanjabelle · 05/05/2016 15:23

I highly doubt it is unsolicited. Unless she is mentally ill, I can't see someone escalating their texts like that unless they are being prompted by the responses they are getting.

angstybaby · 05/05/2016 15:23

I think your husband needs to tell her to fuck off. Or is that what you're suggesting: to text her from his phone? It wouldn't solve the problem, fun though it would be: that she thinks she's getting somewhere with your husband. Is he encouraging her? How long has it been going on? And why would she carry on if she wasn't getting some response?

You need to talk to him and find out precisely what's going on.

Best of luck

shoeaddict83 · 05/05/2016 15:25

surely you need to be confronting your husband first - the issue is with him not her!!
Or is this the old adage of only blame the OW not the innocent hubby being lured away...

ChicRock · 05/05/2016 15:26

Oh your poor husband what has he done to discourage this woman from sending him these unsolicited texts? Told her to stop? Said he'll report her at work for sexual harassment? Blocked her number? No? Thought not.

missybct · 05/05/2016 15:27

I'd hold off going full pelt at her first - not sure why you have definitely decided she's to blame - especially as your husband could have easily deleted his contribution to the conversation.

I'd be asking him, not her. Agree with PP, few women would message with that kind of content without some kind of indication that it's reciprocated in some way

missybct · 05/05/2016 15:27

I'd hold off going full pelt at her first - not sure why you have definitely decided she's to blame - especially as your husband could have easily deleted his contribution to the conversation.

I'd be asking him, not her. Agree with PP, few women would message with that kind of content without some kind of indication that it's reciprocated in some way

Snoringlittlemonkey · 05/05/2016 15:30

I'm going against the grain here but I would text back 'we had a really good laugh at your expense last night can't wait for the office Xmas party to share the joke' signed Mrs DH

Then I'd tackle your DH. He is obviously the problem here and needs to do some explaining.

But I think throwing a bucket of cold water over their exchange might be satisfying.

I firmly believe he is in the wrong but also think a little karma might be due elsewhere too. Call me childish.

cozietoesie · 05/05/2016 15:31

Was it via WhatsApp by any chance?

SoupDragon · 05/05/2016 15:45

Given you've not talked to him about them, how do you know they are unsolicited...?

wheresthebeach · 05/05/2016 15:45

Why haven't you talked to him?

Ignore her. Deal with your DH and find out what's going on. ChicRock has a point I'm afraid.

deutschland83 · 05/05/2016 15:46

It is whatsapp, the Devils own work.

I wasn't clear, DH is not responding. The occasional yes/no answer to a work question.

I noticed them coming in late night but he is deleting the streams. However it backs up and that's how I found it.

OP posts:

katsopolis · 05/05/2016 15:49

I don't see how it could of come out of nowhere. Maybe something has happened between them and DH has been clear it can't continue and she is trying to entice him back. Or- he is deleting his replies.

Personally- I would be calling her and having a word. Ask her for screenshots of the conversation from her end because unless she has something to hide then I doubt she would delete them.

shoeaddict83 · 05/05/2016 15:51

So hes deleting them, however he doesn't know you've seen them, but you seem to think he isnt responding? Where exactly are you seeing these backups as i use Whatsapp and have never seen conversations stored elsewhere once cleared from the stream? So how do you really know he isnt responding?
If this woman was constantly sending messages and pictures of underwear etc which he was classing as harassment, surely he would be honest with you and tell her to stop. Why hide anything?
Also i dont think whatsapp is to blame here (devils work?? ) that would be the two people using it to message inappropriately....

deutschland83 · 05/05/2016 15:53

If you look at the conversation list and pull down the screen on an iPhone, archived chats appear at the top.

He's a bit IT useless.

Point taken re DH.

My heart is breaking at the thought of it being more than her being an annoying flirt.

OP posts:

Vardyparty · 05/05/2016 15:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

katsopolis · 05/05/2016 15:54

You can back up whatsapp messages- theres an option for it when you first sign up. As far as I know though you only see backed up messages when you activate whatsapp on another phone on that number though. And to do that DPs DH would get a text with an activation code..

Lumpylumperson · 05/05/2016 15:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

deutschland83 · 05/05/2016 15:56

I have not spoken to him. There is no reply to the underwear message it's the most recent.

She asks if he thinks her husband will like this -> then the pic

I'm totally in bits now with all your replies. I'm so scared.

OP posts:

DiggersRest · 05/05/2016 15:59

He needs to tell her to pack it in. And I'd be furious if my dh was getting these sorts of messages and didn't tell me. I

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cozietoesie · 05/05/2016 16:00

Talk to your DH.

(But I have a good friend who was with an implicitly trustable family member when some unsolicited WhatsApp messages started to come in on a new iPhone from a member of his staff - one side of a conversation. I don't think he even used WhatsApp but there seemed to be some sort of connection with work email addresses.)

Talk to him.

shoeaddict83 · 05/05/2016 16:00

I would make a note of her number so i had it. Then tell DH ive seen the message and ask him honestly whats gong on and why he hasn't told her to stop as its inappropriate. his reaction should tell you all you need to know.
if you still arent happy with it then text her and ask her same thing, see if their answers match?

i hope for your sake its nothing more then her trying it on and is one-sided.

Costacoffeeplease · 05/05/2016 16:03

Yes - you need to find out from him, why she's sending these messages and what he's done to encourage or discourage her. I can't imagine anyone sending racy messages and photos totally out of the blue, and continuing to do so

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