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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

How do I handle this? Eldest daughter.

195 replies

Elendon · 20/02/2016 20:36

She is 23. Has a 2:1 degree and has been home now for over a year. I have two other children who are dependent and she is not looking for a job. Plus her boyfriend is living here as well, most of the time. My youngest is autistic and doing his GCSEs. I have to move soon because of a divorce after a long marriage. Their dad is currently expecting twins and lives a long way from us. He doesn't want to know about her. I've already said to her and him that they have to move on, but she has replied that she has mental health issues and he r boyfriend is enabling her on this too. I don't know how to move forward on this. I can afford a house for the three of us but not her and her boyfriend. But I don't want to kick her out. Help!

OP posts:

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ImperialBlether · 20/02/2016 20:41

Does her boyfriend work? Do they pay rent?

If you can't afford to take them with you (and I don't see why you should) then you just have to go ahead, sell the house and look for a place for yourself and the other children. Just tell her asap that that's going to happen. Plenty of people with mental health problems have independent lives and this is what she needs, too.

Savagebeauty · 20/02/2016 20:43

Does she have mental health problems?
Sounds as if she's got a nice lifestyle with you. She needs to get a job. You can't support a 23 year old. And tell her bf to do the same

Elendon · 20/02/2016 20:45

They don't pay rent but pay for their own food. Why should I have to deal with it? I've told her that I can't take her with me. But how does that equate on the day we leave the house?

OP posts:

goodnightdarthvader1 · 20/02/2016 20:47

I had mental health AND physical health problems after I left uni. I got a job. It helped my mental health enormously. She needs a kick up the ass.

RJnomore1 · 20/02/2016 20:48

At 23 I had a mortgage and a child. I'm not saying that's right but it's certainly an age when you are definitely adult. You just need to go ahead and keep telling them what's happening. They need to find their own place to live. You cannot be responsible for your children forever.

Elendon · 20/02/2016 20:48

Where is she going to go? She did self harm whilst in school, I had to deal with bandaging her arms and discussing it with her teachers. Her dad doesn't want to know.

OP posts:

SanityClause · 20/02/2016 20:49

Will you be buying a house, or renting?

If renting, you need to talk to her about her contribution, to enable the family to rent a big enough property. Perhaps she should be on the tenancy agreement, so she is also jointly responsible in law, for paying the rent?

If you are buying, then she will just need to understand that she can't continue to live with you, anymore. She will need to get a room in a shared house or flat, like other people her age.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 20/02/2016 20:51

Forget her dad, he's irrelevant. It sucks that he's not around but brooding on it won't help. Tell her she can stay with you if she gets a job and pays rent. End of story. Is she under gp / psych cate, or is she just mooching around whinging about being depressed?

goodnightdarthvader1 · 20/02/2016 20:51

Care, not cate*

goodnightdarthvader1 · 20/02/2016 20:52

AND her boyfriend is there all the time??? Time to toughen up, OP.

ImperialBlether · 20/02/2016 20:52

I think I'd feel I had an obligation to her but not to him. She, on the other hand, needs to get a job, even if it's just a low-level job. It's not good for someone that age to be just hanging around the house and it's expensive for you, too, if she's using the heating etc.

I would tell him that he couldn't move in when we moved.

Elendon · 20/02/2016 20:52

At 23 I was married and owned my house outright. I left after five years and just split the assets for a better life. I moved to another country and got a new place. Met her dad and we married three years later. I just don't understand why she behaves like this.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 20/02/2016 20:52

I think I'd feel I had an obligation to her but not to him. She, on the other hand, needs to get a job, even if it's just a low-level job. It's not good for someone that age to be just hanging around the house and it's expensive for you, too, if she's using the heating etc.

I would tell him that he couldn't move in when we moved.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 20/02/2016 20:53

Because you're letting her, OP.

ImperialBlether · 20/02/2016 20:53

Do you think she is capable of getting work now?

Elendon · 20/02/2016 20:55

And to be honest it's making me feel terribly depressed. It's not me. I'm feeling so dragged down by this.

OP posts:

Elendon · 20/02/2016 20:57

So it's my fault she's still here?

OP posts:

HeddaGarbled · 20/02/2016 20:57

Is she having any treatment for her mental health difficulties? If not, that is the place to start. You need to know what her diagnosis is and whether she can get any support from professionals, and whether she is able to work or not. So first stop is her GP.

Tell her what size house you can afford when you move and that there will definitely be no room for her boyfriend and that she will need to share a room with one of her siblings if she wants to move with you.

BonitaFangita · 20/02/2016 20:59

Easier said than done Eldon but you need to get tough with her. My mum was a single parent and the rule post 16 was education or work she simply couldn't afford slacking and neither can you.

bakeoffcake · 20/02/2016 21:00

I have a 22 year old dd with mental health problems.

It's very easy for people to say "tell her to get a job" but it's really not that easy if you have mental health problems. And you've had to help her bandage her injuries, so as a mum I'm sure you're worried about her returning to that behaviour if you put pressure on her.

If I were you, I'd let her know now that if she wants to stay with you, that's ok, she'll have to share a room with one of her siblings, but she's welcome to stay. Her boyfriend will unfortunaltely have to find somewhere else to say.

That might galvanise then both into getting jobs and renting somewhere together. If they don't, Dd can stay with you but boyfriend goes.

SoThatHappened · 20/02/2016 21:01

At 23 I was married and owned my house outright.

Comparisons like that dont help. What year was it when you were 23 and have you seen how much rent and property costs these days?

Cabrinha · 20/02/2016 21:02

Aside from the boyfriend, what's the problem with her living with you?
Obviously I don't have the full background but I'm hoping when my daughter is 23 I actually still like having her at home, if she wants to be there.

Would you still have her with you if she contributed board (does she get ESA or whatever it's called now?) and if the boyfriend wasn't staying over? To the latter, you need to tell her that he can't live with you, so no more than one night a week staying over will be allowed. Of course you don't have to let him stay at all! But I'd personally not mind a grown up child's boyfriend staying - just not moving in!!

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BYOSnowman · 20/02/2016 21:03

but when she says she can't move out don't you just tell her there is no choice and your new home won't have space for them.

as long as you are giving them enough notice i think you just need to go broken record on them

are you renting or buying? could you help them with a deposit? is she getting any sort of treatment?

Elendon · 20/02/2016 21:04

I have had the talk several times regarding her getting the independence she deserves. She's very good at avoidance tactics. She's just come back from her dads. He brought her and her boyfriend (who is 25) to the aquarium and the zoo. Her dad is avoiding things too, isn't he?

OP posts:

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 20/02/2016 21:04

So she has issues and your solution is to move leaving her homeless?

She is still your child, you make her sound like an unwanted guest. The BF can't expect to move with you but if I lived at home with parents and they planned a move without me I'd feel pretty rejected. In her state, the cutting may start again.

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