Friend arriving in 5...

[Sleepingbunnies]

Posted in chat too but thought I might get more responses here... My DP is arriving in 5 mins with my friend who has finally left her abusive partner after 13 years.

He bit her fucking face! I am so angry.

I have told her she can stay as long as she likes in our spare room but I thing she'll be back with him by the weekend, don't know why, just a feeling I have.

I want her to stay gone!

[Sleepingbunnies]

Car pulling up now...

[Helpys]

and strength to you all, you're doing a wonderful thing.
Don't forget to do the usual hostess stuff, make sure there's hot water, show how you lock up so she knows you're secure. Can you offer to take a photo of any injuries?

[FunnyFoot]

Oh god that's awful.

All you can do is offer your support.
Point her in the direction of support groups such as woman's aid.
Try not to judge her which I know is hard but it won't help her.

Maybe try and work on long term plans with her, show her how her life can be better without him.

Get her registered on MN as the support for D & V victims is fantastic.

[antimatter]

Maybe convince her to go to see her GP so her injuries are documented?

[restandpeace]

Well done for helping. X

[Sleepingbunnies]

Double bed made up, wine in the fridge, although I'm
Not sure alcohol will help. She is a bit of a mess :(

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Does she need medical attention tonight? You're a good friend.

[Sleepingbunnies]

He hasn't broken the skin. She doesn't look like she needs urgent medical attention. Just shit loads of TLC.

[Sleepingbunnies]

Trying to her through to woman's aid for her but no joy :(

[Sleepingbunnies]

Literally don't know what to say. Not sure telling her that he is a cunt and I'd like to kill him is helping. My DP is making her some food

[FunnyFoot]

I took this from the refuge website it may help you support your friend.

It may help to remember that:
Domestic violence is a crime
Domestic violence is very common. One woman in four experiences domestic violence at some point in her life and an abused woman may live with domestic violence for years before she tells anyone or seeks help
Domestic violence is very dangerous. Every week two women are killed by a current or former partner
All women have the right to live free from violence and fear
The woman is not to blame for the violence; only the abuser is responsible for his actions

What might an abused woman be feeling and experiencing?
She may be overwhelmed by fear - a fear of further violence or threats to her children’s safety
She often believes that she is to blame and that by changing her behaviour the abuse will stop. Research shows that this is not the case
She may experience many conflicting emotions. She may love her partner, but hate the violence. She may live in hope that his good side will reappear
She may be dependent upon her partner, emotionally and financially
She may feel shame, guilt and embarrassment
She may feel resigned and hopeless and find it hard to make decisions about her future

What can you do to support her?
Giver her time to open up. You may have to try several times before she will confide in you
Try to be direct. Start by saying something like, ‘I’m worried about you because…’ or ‘I’m concerned about your safety…’
Do not judge her
Believe her – too often people do not believe a woman when she first discloses abuse
Reassure her that the abuse is not her fault and that you are there for her
Don’t tell her to leave or criticise her for staying. Although you may want her to leave, she has to make that decision in her own time
Focus on supporting her and building up her confidence – acknowledge her strengths and remind her that she is coping well with a challenging and stressful situation
Abusers often isolate women from friends and family - help her to develop or keep up her outside contacts. This will help boost her self esteem
Encourage her to contact a local domestic violence organisation like Refuge or call the Freephone 24 hour National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247
Be patient. It can take time for a woman to recognise she is being abused and even longer to make decisions about what to do. Recognising the problem is an important first step

[Sleepingbunnies]

I'm so angry.

She will be back there by the weekend. She just said she just needs a few days and then they will talk!!!!!!

[Sleepingbunnies]

That's helpful funnyfoot thank you x

[FunnyFoot]

((hugs)) for both of you and your DH for looking after her too x

[handfulofcottonbuds]

Sometimes you don't need to say anything. Just sit with her and hug her when she needs it. Let her talk, let her cry.

Feel really sorry for her but it is very hard to leave an abusive relationship, especially for the length of time she has been exposed to it. I hope you get through to Women's Aid.

You're a good friend.

[Sleepingbunnies]

I'm honesty trying to be sympathetic I really really am and we've had a cuddle and Iv told her how much I love her and want her to be safe but I am literally bubbling with rage when she mentioned talking to him! She is worth so much more :(

[Sleepingbunnies]

Iv got to be up at 6 for work so am putting her to bed soon.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

He himself may have other ideas. It is depressing but you are doing well not to rage about him to her.

[Sleepingbunnies]

Have put her to bed and have come to bed to rage at my DP about him!

[Princesspond]

A thread the other day linked to this advice from woman's aid
www.womensaid.org.uk/page.asp?section=000100010008002300020002&sectionTitle=Giving+support
I don't have any experience of this but it must be frustrating to have a friend in this situation. You sound like a good friend just being there for her and listening.

[wafflyversatile]

Maybe see if she would be willing to work through the freedom programme while she is with you?

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

[sadwidow28]

Sleepingbunnies I had to do the same thing for my best friend and work colleague - but it was before the days of Mumsnet. I was 'winging it'.

The police phoned at 3am to ask if I would give my friend a temporary home.

The police gave her a car escort to support her driving her car from one side of a city to another but then sort of 'passed her over' to my DP on the door step.

My DP noticed that her car was covered in blood from the previous altercation (OW beating up her DH and home) and went out with a bucket and sponge at 5am. That seemed bizarre when I was trying to settle best friend and find out what had happened.

But with hind-sight my DP and I played to our strengths. He didn't want the local bobbies knocking on our door asking about copious amounts of blood on friend's car (not least of all because he was a Police Inspector himself!) He also couldn't do the emotional support for my friend - but he was great at providing fabulous home-cooked meals. he made my friend very welcome and didn't invade our space as she worked through what she wanted to do.

Now my friend stayed with us for a month. But in that time she decided she wanted to keep the house (no children) and arranged a buy-out mortgage. She wanted to go back and take possession so my DP put a huge bolt-lock on her bedroom door. He checked other safety measures in the home and had her registered with the local police. She lived with the alcoholic partner for about 2 weeks until she bought him out and he moved his stuff.

End of? Not on your life!

They started dating again 18 months later - just doing breakfast dates in a local cafe. Was I happy? Never .... but it really was nothing to do with me. They never did get divorced and after the alcoholic husband was sober for 3 years (with the support of AA) he moved back in.

They are still together - still no children. They have a fabulous life together, although it is compromised. Friend's DH won't socialise at all where there is alcohol so friend attends weddings, parties, christenings and even BBQs on her own.

I tell you this story because I also could have cheerfully murdered my friend's DH that night. But the marital relationship was my friend's to 'manage'. I just had to be there to support, listen and help. I couldn't chastise or disapprove when she wanted to make up with him. I could express an opinion - but she always had to know that I was there for her.

They are off on a cruise for their 40th wedding anniversary next month!

So, focus on your friend and guide her. Get her to look at the Freedom Programme, but always remember that the decisions are hers.

Good luck to you, your DP and your friend. I hope she finds her right path.

[somedayillbesaturdaynite]

what an amazing post sadwidow. i dont have the words to articulate why we stay as long as we do. i only left once and never got back together but i imagine some of my friends and family experienced the anger and frustration that goes alongside caring for someone who is being abused. the way i feel it was is like i was brainwashed to believe many of the things in funnyfoot's post of the refuge info. this wasnt just by him but by various umm 'influences' throughout my life slowly conditioning me to be prime for my perpertrator's taking. i have been away from my dv xp for 5 years and the positive beliefs are only really just starting to sink in.

[Sleepingbunnies]

Thank you all. sadwillow your post made me both happy and sad!

I am late for work because my brain just wouldn't switch off last night :(

[Sleepingbunnies]

Think I'm going to buy her a bunch of flowers on the way home :)