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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

The git is refusing to move in with his friend...

835 replies

Lemmingswife · 15/07/2006 09:06

Until we exchange contracts on our house!
I am SO angry & upset. This could take months & months.
I asked him last night if he was intending to make the move sometime next week, seen as his friend returns late on Sunday. He said "I'm not moving in with him....well not until the house has been sold & we have exchanged contracts."
He told me that he was prepared to make the move, until a friend (who he won't name) pointed out how ridiculous it would be to look after the children in the house if I ever went out & he said that it wouldn't be right to take them to his friends house.
He said that HE pays the mortgage & the TV licence and had every right to stay as long as he needed to, but he wants out too, which is why the quicker this house sells, the better.
I was so upset & furious after he came out with this last night. I cannot go on like this for what could be months, I will seriously lose it.
I would move out with the children myself, if I could.
He kept putting on a silly fake laugh, saying "Imagine me coming to this house to look after the children. How ridiculous!"
I am so cross & so upset. I cannot go through the whole of the summer like this.

OP posts:

Report

Lemmingswife · 15/07/2006 09:10

I said that I wouldn't ask him to babysit & would happily get a babysitter or not go out at all, but he would not have any of it.

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SherlockLGJ · 15/07/2006 09:12

Sorry

But I don't think he was evr moving out.

Do not sell the house, unless your solicitor thinks it is a good idea.

Lemmingswife · 15/07/2006 09:14

I had a horrible feeling he wouldn't too, but part of me was hopeful.
I best get back to onto the solicitor as soon as I can on Monday.

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Lemmingswife · 15/07/2006 09:19

There are a load of forms that we have to fill in from the solicitor re the house sale.
He said again last night that if I refuse the sale, he will just stop paying the mortgage & I will not be able to do anything to stop it because we have seperate accounts & the mortgage is paid out of his account.
I am so beside myself with all this.

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SherlockLGJ · 15/07/2006 09:22

Oh God LW ...........you really do need legal advice and fast.

Lemmingswife · 15/07/2006 09:32

I know I do. I will get onto solicitor on Monday.
He says that this is where us having seperate accounts would be a problem to me, because if half the money was coming out of my account, I might be able to save the house, but if he just stops paying it all, the house will be taken away from us & sold & there would be nothing I could do to stop that happening.
I am feeling pretty scared.

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tribpot · 15/07/2006 12:37

He's massively exaggerating what would happen if he stopped paying the mortgage, in order to intimidate you into selling the house so that he can take the money. There would be a long process before it got to the bank repossessing the house, and it would seriously damage his credit rating and his ability to get another mortgage in the future, so I think it's highly unlikely he would actually do this.

I do think, though, that there's nothing to be gained from you and he talking about this stuff, all this nonsense about how if you'd had a joint account things would be different, "a friend" telilng him stuff (who cares who this friend is or what he/she thinks). And it's certainly not worth you telling him anything you've heard from your solicitor.

I notice the TV licence ranks as nearly as important as the mortgage in his eyes (it's 130 quid a year, ffs). Wonder what would happen if you sold all the tellies in the house.

Hope you can speak to your solicitor on Monday, this is an impossible situation for you.

SherlockLGJ · 15/07/2006 12:52

If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment. Marcus Aurelis

In other words don't let the bastard grind you down.

But prefer Marcus Aurelis take on it.

Lemmingswife · 15/07/2006 17:17

I will remember that one, LGJ!

I am hating all this though. We have been seperated for over a month now, but I still have him in the house & he is still controlling things. It is really horrible & the thought that life could be like this for months & months is almost unthinkable.

He is apparantly going round to do jobs with my Dad in the week.

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SherlockLGJ · 15/07/2006 17:19

I know it seems a bit heavy but it is true.

Caribbeanqueen · 15/07/2006 17:19

Has he said anything else today?

Lemmingswife · 15/07/2006 17:21

No he hasn't said anything else. I guess he has said his piece & that's that.
He started filling out forms for the solicitor re house move, but I haven't signed anything yet.

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Lemmingswife · 15/07/2006 17:30

I see he has written on the form that money is to be split.

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SherlockLGJ · 15/07/2006 17:31

In his dreams............

SherlockLGJ · 15/07/2006 17:32

LW are you anywhere near Farnham in Surrey, we could arrange a lunch if you like to try and keep you sane.

Lemmingswife · 15/07/2006 17:33

Sadly I am not, LGJ. A lunch meet up would have been great, but I am in SE Kent.

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Caribbeanqueen · 15/07/2006 17:40

Does it say how the money is going to be split?

Lemmingswife · 15/07/2006 17:46

No, he has only just started filling out form & I am having a look, as he has taken boys out.
It asks if we are buying alternitive property, to which he has put "No"
It then asks for details if you have answered no & he has written "Money to be spilt"

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Lemmingswife · 15/07/2006 17:52

Sorry, alternative!

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Lemmingswife · 15/07/2006 17:55

I got myself in such a state last night, that I barely slept & when I did, I was bloody well dreaming about all this! I am going to end up going insane!!

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Caribbeanqueen · 15/07/2006 18:16

You are not going to come out of this insane, you are going to come out of it a stronger and happier person. There may be the odd mad day on the way, but the end result will be worth it

Lemmingswife · 15/07/2006 19:13

I am already having the mad days, CQ!
Sometimes I do wonder how on earth I am going to get through all this & come out the other side, but I guess somehow I will do one day.
It all feels so very very scary atm though.

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LeahE · 15/07/2006 19:41

I think your best bet, really, is to push ahead with getting the divorce as quickly as possible and refuse to sell the house until the divorce goes through (ha -- tell him a friend who you won't name told you it would be ridiculous). Agree with tribpot that he's exaggerating how quickly anything would happen if he did stop paying the mortgage. In any event some banks will give you a few months' payment holiday if you are going through a major life event like a divorce. Get legal advice from your solicitor, but it would probably be worth contacting yours to see if they offer this facility.

Freckle · 15/07/2006 19:41

Well, I'm sorry you are going through this, LW, but it was always on the cards that he would do this. In fact, I flagged up on numerous occasions that I doubted he had any intention of moving in with his friend.

Whereabouts in Kent are you?

Do not sign any documents regarding the sale of the house. There is nothing to stop you contacting your lenders and advising them that you and H are separating and that the house will be dealt with within divorce proceedings. You should specifically ask them to notify you if any payments are missed on the mortgage and you can, if you have the funds, make a payment if H chooses to miss one.

He is not in complete control. You have the power to deny him that. Don't let him make you think otherwise.

LoveMyGirls · 15/07/2006 23:21

you have come so far you cannot let him take your sanity too. you will do this because you can and need to. stay strong he will soon be out of your life and you can stop treading on eggshells and your boys can be happy and so can u!

Flip

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