I'm already lying to my doctor...

[Illyria]

Tried under "is this normal" but only one person replied, so I'll try again. With a lot more detail. (Sorry long)

Have been a depressive for 15 years. Self-harmer with suicidal thoughts (never tried it though). I spend at least 3 months of every year very, very down. This is sometimes followed by a period of euphoria, where I'm very happy, full of energy and ignore any problems easily.
This week I went to the doctor for the first time. I hate seeking help but have been down for about a year and a half now and it's too much.
3 years ago I got so down that I started seeing things that weren't there. I knew they were hallucinations so reassured myself that I couldn't be that nuts. Then when I finally felt better I got so up that I left my husband - wasn't in love anymore, but to be honest, don't think I was really feeling anything but the 'happy'. 6 months later I levelled out, realised I did love him and managed to repair our marriage (after a hell of a lot of work).
So now I've finally got up the courage to go to a doctor and I've already lied. Said I don't self harm, and generally put it out that I'm not as bad as I am.
Since I went to the doctor - not on ADs yet - I fell oddly 'up'. Keep getting moments of manic happy excitedness followed by more lack of energy and tears. This is how it started last time. I'm not crazy, but sometimes I really feel like a mentalist.
My husband's completely fed up and terrified I'll leave him again - he's shut off completely now. To make things worse we've just moved to a new area where I don't know anyone, I never go out. I feel like my head is going to explode. It's gotten to the point where I really am welcoming the mania. Bugger.
That's it really, just absolutely needed to tell someone everything - even if it is a bloody computer

[QuootiepieTheOnlyPie]

Well, you do know you should tell this to your GP... all he can do is help To me (no means an expert) it sounds abit like bi-polar, I shall go find you a link to a good website so you can have a read. I presume you want to be "better"? {{hugs}} xXx

[QuootiepieTheOnlyPie]

here you go, I hope it helps xXx

[Illyria]

Thank you Quootie. I do, but I'm stupid and irrational and I worry they'll put me away for being a mentalist! And I know that's a really stupid reason not to get help but nothing in my head makes much sense at the moment.

[cinnamontam]

I don't have any experience with what you are dealing with but just wanted to say I'm here and thinking of you Well done for going to the doc - bloody brave. Keep talking, we'll keep listening and there will be some people I'm sure with some pertinent advice and tips

[Illyria]

Thank you cinnamtontam, I'm always amazed by the support people offer on MN.

[QuootiepieTheOnlyPie]

They won't put you away Not unless you are a danger to yourself, or others. What you are suffering with is possibly a fully treatable illness, and just because it has effected (affected?) you in "weird" ways (hate saying that, but, you know what I mean - the hallucinations and that) doesn't mean you deserve treatment any less, or you are more "mental" than the next person. I have mental illnesses, but, never class myself as mental or mad... just ill. Read up abit about your symptoms, you will see you are not alone, you will see there is ALOT of help out there, and, it doesn't include being locked in a padded cell {{hugs}} xXx

[Illyria]

Thanks Quootie
Nurseyjo that's a really good idea. It's stupid I got all geared up to be nothing but honest and ask for help and then when he asked me for specifics I lied. I'm sittin ghere now in floods of tears wondering why the hell I didn't do this sooner!

[cinnamontam]

Nice idea with writing it down NurseyJo. I often use that with DH when we are working through things so no reason why you can't use it when talking to a doc

[cinnamontam]

Ahhh - you're just protecting yourself. Sounds silly I know but it takes a while to break out of the 'I'm fine...everythings fine...it's no big deal' mantra I'm sure you tell yourself a million times a day

[Illyria]

Very true cinnamontam, I just feel so useless. I want to run away, far and fast.

[cinnamontam]

Blimey woman - you've been to a doctor for the first time in 15 years!!! That is incredible. So that is your 2 steps forward. You not being totally straight with him is your 1 step back. But you are still moving forward. You express yourself really well - write it down...make another appointment, hand over the paper and make sure there is a p.s 'Please lock the door' so you don't do a runner

[poptot]

Hi i just wanted to say I think it's incredible you've been coping without seeing a doctor, do please tell him the full story. There is preceived to be such a stigma around mental health but you wouldn't tell him half the story if it was a physical problem. They will not lock you up but you should get the help you need.

[Illyria]

Definitely need the P.S.! I just wish I could think straight for just a minute. I remember when I was 'happy' before, all my friends told me there was still something wrong and I was acting oddly, but I just couldn't see it. I remember swearing blind that I was fine and the only thing bothering me was them! I'm amazed they put up with me. I wish they weren't all so far away.

[Illyria]

Thanks poptot. The funny thing is I would do it about physical too! Described my broken rib to a doc as, "Twinge and slight pain whilst breathing". I am the queen of understatement

[Rhian101]

Sounds like an emotional rollercoaster. You should definitely bare all to your doctor. We're all here for you.

[cinnamontam]

Morning - how you doing today?

[Illyria]

I feel pretty low today. I don't mind that so much to be honest - it's the swinging back and forth from crying to laughing that is hard to cope with. I have resolved to write down what I need to say to my doctor and if I can't manage to say it I will throw it at him and run for the door.
Had a long talk with DH too about what he can do to alleviate my stresses. He hadn't realised that I was having such mood swings. He was really nice and is going to try to be there for me more.
Anyway, how are you?

[BandofMothers]

Hello.
It really does sound like bi-polar/manic depression.
Stephen Fry, a lifelong sufferer did a very interesting programme on it not so long back.
Obviously I'm not qualified to say, but your doc is. Good idea to write it down. Then he can help you. But he does have to know the whole truth.
It's also treatable, in the sense that it can be kept under control.
Good for you for trying to get help. That must have been very hard. Keep taking little steps and you'll get there in the end.
Cinnamontam is right, there's always someone on here ready to listen.

[berolina]

This definitely sounds like bipolar disorder (horrid word, I know, but don't be scared away by it - it's just a term). It's surprisingly common. You must tell the full story to your doctor, though - otherwise you can't be helped appropriately. Writing it all down pre-appointment is a great idea. Good luck

[Illyria]

Thank you. I know I should have gotten this sorted ages ago. Whenever I'm well I kick myself for not having gone to the doc, but of course there's no need to go because I'm 'well' and that might be the last of it. And when I'm ill I get myself so irrationally worked up at the thought that I might get put away or someone might decide I can't look after my kids - this has never been an issue, although my eldest now notices when mum is sad (possibly the best wake up call I could have gotten).

Am an idiot.

[puppydavies]

you need a referral to a psychiatrist to diagnose bipolar. you can request this from your doctor, without necessarily going into all of your past history with the gp if you're finding that difficult right now. but you have to remember that they can only help you based on what you tell them.

good luck.

[BandofMothers]

You're not an idiot, you're ill.
Don't be so hard on yourself.

[Rhian101]

Does anybody know how long a referral takes?

[Illyria]

Yes, I'd like to know that. I'm worried that I'll stop trying. This is such a huge step for me, I feel very vulnerable.