Miss my son so much

(407 Posts)
LilyTheSavage Sun 10-Nov-13 15:36:57

My beautiful middle son died on 10th August in a tragic and needless accident. It's three months today and I feel just as bereft and weighted with grief and sorrow as I did the day he died. It's very hard to bear. There must surely be others who have had this happen too.

jenmac22 Sat 31-Jan-15 00:20:36

Hi lily. I hope you're feeling a bit brighter today, it is just so unfair.
Paddy will be in that kitchen with you, admiring the end result, and admiring his beautiful, strong mum.
Andys out tonight so lying waiting for him to come home and panicking too much aswell,
Lots of love xxx

LilyTheSavage Thu 29-Jan-15 20:21:38

It's funny how you can go from feeling ok-ish to right down again so quickly. I am in my kitchen in France and look around and think that Paddy would have loved it. He was here when I was having the worst of the work done and helped. How I wish he could see it.

I miss you darling boy. it's just so fucking unfair.

LilyTheSavage Mon 26-Jan-15 17:56:53

Thanks for checking in Mojito. I've just poured a very stiff wine and there's plenty for you too.

I am feeling ok-ish at the moment thanks. The gut-wrenching waves of grief are more manageable I think but still do happen. I've just booked to go to Africa on Paddy's birthday. I will be able to make sure his grave looks beautiful before I go though. The chance to spend time with my DH was too good to resist. I don't know how I'll feel actually on his birthday though.

He's everywhere in everything I do, never far from my thoughts. Always there. I do so miss my darling boy.

Mojito100 Mon 26-Jan-15 10:53:43

Just checking in flowers.

LilyTheSavage Wed 21-Jan-15 20:57:22

thanks Mojito. I've found out where his heart valves are and also that they haven't been used yet. I feel rather sad about that as I'd really been hoping that a part of Paddy was running around in another person.

I have also found out that I am able to send a letter to the recipient or their family in the eventuality that his heart valves are used. I'd really like to tell them about Paddy and for them to know how amazing he was. That's important to me.

The news item yesterday has brought it all back with startlingly horrifying clarity. It's strange how I started searching for his valves just before that story hit the news. I've been thinking about both families. One so lucky and one other family now in our situation. Poor people.

Mojito100 Tue 20-Jan-15 18:24:36

How incredibly brave you were with the decision you made. I wish with all my heart I could have donated DD's organs but unfortunately her poor little body was too badly damaged (on the inside). I wish there were children in the world having an opportunity to live their life to the fullest because of her. I hope you find out the news you want/need.

LilyTheSavage Tue 20-Jan-15 08:08:55

It's been a difficult couple of days. When Paddy died we couldn't donate his organs as he'd been dead for too long by the time he was found, but we were able to donate his heart valves. They took all the valves which we were told were excellent quality and would be used for life saving surgery for children or babies. We were really happy to think that there was going to be a part of Paddy still running around.

I have tried to contact the organ donor registration service to find out if they've been used, but haven't got any answers yet. I'd just like to know. What I'd really like would be to be able to contact the families and tell them about Paddy and how lucky they are to have a part of my boy. (Probably won't be able to do that but might be allowed to send a letter).

It's very hard.

LilyTheSavage Sat 17-Jan-15 07:35:23

Thank you very much Mojito.

I had a lovely birthday with my husband and we worked in the garden all day. I didn't have any of the boys with me, but I had a peaceful day.

Lots of love thanks

Mojito100 Fri 16-Jan-15 22:10:15

flowers cake brew for you.

Lily, I've just seen your post about what Paddy's brothers want to do for him in your woods. Just beautiful. Heart-breaking, but perfect. Of course you will cry. xx

jenmac22 Wed 14-Jan-15 10:52:46

Thinking of you Lily. Thinking of Paddy xx

LilyTheSavage Mon 12-Jan-15 12:54:49

Dirge without Music:

“Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave

Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;

Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave

I know. But I do not approve.

AND I AM NOT RESIGNED.”

Edna St Vincent Millay

Mojito100 Wed 07-Jan-15 21:39:05

How beautiful that they want to do this.

LilyTheSavage Wed 07-Jan-15 12:23:56

Hey Mojito.
Hope your CAHMS session was useful. Thank you for thinking of us.

We're all in France at the moment and DS1 found the cross that was the original marker for Paddy's grave. He and DS3 have come up with a plan to plant/install the cross up in our woods which is where they spent hours, days and weeks making dens when they were younger. He's found some stones which he's painted white to place around the base. We'll go up there this afternoon all together to install the cross and make a special place. I know I will cry. I'm just so pleased that they want to do this for their brother.

Mojito100 Wed 07-Jan-15 02:54:38

Just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you this morning. Had a session with CAHMS and had a few tears thinking about my DD which led me to think about you and your beautiful DS. Hope you are taking care.

x

LilyTheSavage Mon 05-Jan-15 09:19:34

How lovely. Paddy is in my mind all the time. He would love hanging out with the boys and dogs. When he was a very little boy he said that when he grew up he was going to be a police dog!!!

Thank you thank you thank you. thanks

Mojito100 Mon 05-Jan-15 05:12:42

I had the most peaceful morning yesterday sitting with my coffee in the sun and with dogs sprawled over me as the boys hung out with friends. I had this moment of complete peace when Paddy popped into my mind. I don't know why it was so tranquil but just sitting there thinking of him felt so right.

It's not enough that he is only in our thoughts but it felt like he was with me in some way and letting things be ok.

I hope you are recovering, taking it easy and looking after yourself. Be gentle.

LilyTheSavage Thu 01-Jan-15 07:32:33

Thank you for the hugs girls. Definitely helps. Sending you big hugs back. thanks

Mojito100 Wed 31-Dec-14 22:49:49

Hugs for you. It's not enough but all we have to give.

jenmac22 Wed 31-Dec-14 20:16:54

Hi Lily, I hope your infection is easing, and your feel a little better.

I think I'm having the same kind of day as you, just terribly sad.
Hugging you tonight, and thinking of our boys, lots of love Jen x

LilyTheSavage Wed 31-Dec-14 14:54:22

Not having a peaceful end to 2014. I feel so sad and miss Paddy terribly. I feel devastated that this is the last day I can say (even to myself) that I saw Paddy last year.

The lurgy doesn't help. I gave up and went to a doc today who diagnosed bronchitis.

Just feel so desperately sad. I can't even be bothered with the mask this afternoon. I just want to curl up.

Mojito100 Wed 31-Dec-14 13:16:49

How beautiful he is all around you and you and your DH can talk together about him. I hope you recover soon from the lurgy you have. The pictures you paint with your words are beautiful and make me feel like I'm there.

Have a peaceful new year and wishing you strength and joy in 2015.

LilyTheSavage Tue 30-Dec-14 12:29:06

Hi Mojito.
I've just got back to France with my DH and have been hit by a temperature and cough. I couldn't get warm even lying in my bed with the electric blanket on and fully dressed.

However, it's a very bright and sunny day with a heavy frost and it's stunningly beautiful. I feel a bit better and went for a lovely walk. We went by the canal and talked about Paddy and his brothers. Nice.

He's everywhere we go and all around us.

Mojito100 Tue 30-Dec-14 11:36:36

flowers

Mojito100 Fri 26-Dec-14 14:07:37

I love the spud gun idea and I bet your boys did too. I can just imagine the wicked grins on their faces as they are hiding out trying to shoot each other.

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