Miss my son so much

(302 Posts)
LilyTheSavage Sun 10-Nov-13 15:36:57

My beautiful middle son died on 10th August in a tragic and needless accident. It's three months today and I feel just as bereft and weighted with grief and sorrow as I did the day he died. It's very hard to bear. There must surely be others who have had this happen too.

Mojito100 Tue 16-Sep-14 01:56:10

It's good to hear from you. I just wanted to check in and see how you are as you have been offering me such amazing support lately. I'm not sure if I have said this before but I used to get homesick when it was winter time and was so happy when it was summer. After DD passed I found summer, at times, made me so sad as I remembered all those beautiful summer days we had together. Things change so much after the loss of a loved one and what was normal before is at times so different after.

I think you are so amazingly strong and hope you can find some level of peace being where you are. I forgot to recognise the 10th of the month last week as I know this is such a tough time for you. I'm thinking of you now.

I know what you mean about fuckwits as there are times when I have slightly more patience than others but boy if you catch me when my resilience is low then watch out. I've always been pretty direct but on a bad day they can cop it with both barrels. I don't have a lot of patience for idiocy and even less now that I know how precious life is and that every moment needs to be seized.

Continue to take care of yourself and I hope you are finding the gardening therapeutic.

LilyTheSavage Sat 13-Sep-14 16:05:35

I don't expect it will go away. Today the sun is shining and I've been painting and gardening and keeping busy (just for a change). The mask is easier to wear when it's sunny and when my lovely friend is around. Fuckwits give me the rage and drag me down so need to be avoided at all costs.

Mojito100 Sat 13-Sep-14 00:00:05

It is, you are right but isn't it all we can do? I don't know how else you get by. Some days it just feels a heavier burden to carry/do. I'm not sure that hollow feeling inside will ever go away.

LilyTheSavage Thu 11-Sep-14 12:57:16

Keeping busy is merely a distraction and an avoidance of the truth.

LilyTheSavage Fri 05-Sep-14 16:01:13

I'm surviving and keeping very busy. It helps not to have too much time to think.
The chainsaw noise the other day really hit me hard.

Thank you. thanks

Mojito100 Fri 05-Sep-14 13:43:50

Hope today has been better for you.

Mojito100 Wed 03-Sep-14 14:50:47

Just saw your post of yesterday. I can't imagine how crappy that was. Hope you took time for yourself. flowers

LilyTheSavage Tue 02-Sep-14 14:27:42

Really bad day today. I have two tree surgeons working in my woods and all I can hear is the noise of the chainsaw. It's the sound of Paddy working.

It grips my heart and my mind.

LilyTheSavage Sun 31-Aug-14 20:32:22

I should share that with the rest of the girls.
In fact..... I shall.

Mojito100 Sun 31-Aug-14 14:42:46

What a perfect poem. We are always here for you. When you are happy, sad and everything in between. Continue to take care.

LilyTheSavage Thu 28-Aug-14 06:31:43

I was minimising when I said grumpy. Incandescent is rather more like it.

I found this on somebody else's thread and have shamelessly copied and pasted. Describes me in so many ways.

Difficult Company

Hold me close and go away
Please visit me and please don’t stay
Talk to me but please don’t speak
I need you NOW – come back next week.

Emotions muddled, needs unknown
To be with others or on my own?
To scream out loud? To rant and shout?
Or hide away and push you out?

I smile at you – “She’s not that bad”
I shout at you – “She’s going mad”
I speak to you – “What do I say?”
I show my tears – “Quick, walk away”

It’s not catching, the grief I feel
I can’t pretend that it’s not real
I carry on as best I know
But this pain inside just won’t go.

So true friends, please, accept the lot
I shout, I cry, I lose the plot
I don’t know what I need today
So hold me close and go away

Mojito100 Sat 23-Aug-14 11:58:10

Be grumpy. You're entitled to be.

LilyTheSavage Fri 22-Aug-14 18:07:04

They just can't conceive that a phone can be used to call anywhere that's not fucking Bradford. I'm so upset and furious for my poor DH who gets no support from them AT ALL.

Insensitive, unsupportive, uncaring, inconsequential morons. (Yes.... I'm a bit grumpy).

Mojito100 Fri 22-Aug-14 16:29:30

You gave me a good chuckle at your last post. Heaven forbid who could conceive of foreign countries having phones that could actually receive a call from the UK.

LilyTheSavage Fri 22-Aug-14 09:42:56

No Mojito. They're just shiteful. They just can't be bothered to phone... I think they reckon the phone lines only work going into Bradford!

Mojito100 Thu 21-Aug-14 16:59:32

Take all the time you need. I'm quite surprised by the ILs and the fact they haven't made contact. It's as horrendous for him and your boys as it is for you and to not recognise what they are going through is "surprising". I would have thought if nothing else they would touch base with their DS or grand kids.

Mind you I'm working on one of my personality faults at the moment of being too opinionated and trying to change my attitude to gratitude so let me assume they are dealing with their own grief and need time for themselves. Keep well.

thoughtsbecomethings Wed 20-Aug-14 21:03:53

Lily ..I'm so sad for you I can't imagine the pain and loss you must be feeling. X x

LilyTheSavage Wed 20-Aug-14 20:59:47

Thanks Mojito. I've just been keeping as busy as I can but feel very fragile. Everything is so tenuous. Tomorrow is the anniversary of the funeral. The day we said goodbye to our darling boy. I've been spending too much time hiding away crying.

Coffee is good. I really can't function in the morning without it.

I can't believe that my ILs haven't phoned or contacted us at all. My poor DH is completely unsupported by his horrid parents. Unbelievable. Their spitefulness shines out amongst the loving kindness and support of my family and our friends.

wine is always good. xx

Mojito100 Wed 20-Aug-14 09:44:24

wine wine flowers. Thought you may need double the wine at the moment and some flowers to say I'm thinking of you.

Mojito100 Thu 14-Aug-14 22:26:47

Hugs for you lily. Surface when you are ready and able.

Mojito100 Mon 11-Aug-14 15:23:26

Times around special anniversaries can often be so much harder than the day. Give yourself space to fall in a heap even after the event. Sometimes we hold ourselves together for others and when that need passes the emotions flood in. Allow them to be as there isn't much else you can do and in some way it is the process.

I'm imagining sitting with you in the sunshine in France with plenty of [coffee] and cake, tears of joy and sadness and hearing you reminisce about your beautiful boy.

LilyTheSavage Mon 11-Aug-14 08:57:57

Thank you everybody.

I survived yesterday but felt terribly sad all day, but strangely even more so the days leading up to the actual anniversary. Friends and some family have been so kind and thoughtful, but others amaze me by their complete lack of interest and empathy and even care.

HeavenlyE Sun 10-Aug-14 19:56:26

Lily, have thought of you and paddy today. I hope you, your DH and sons had as peaceful a day as possible. A year must feel like the blink of an eye in some ways, but it is such a long time to be without your precious boy. Much love to you x

Mojito100 Sun 10-Aug-14 14:00:50

Tears for you and Paddy today.

cathpip Sun 10-Aug-14 00:25:19

Paddy, to be loved so deeply and remembered by so many is a testament to the undoubtedly wonderful young man you are.
May today pass filled with memories of happier times, knowing that your darling boy although not physically here anymore is still very much alive in all who loved him.
Sending lots of love to you and your family today lily, take care. Xx

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