To think Dh is wrong to blame me for stepson not visiting.

(342 Posts)
AmandaIsHere Wed 10-Aug-16 14:15:56

My stepson (16) is no longer visiting as often as he used to. Dh usually has him from Friday evenings to Sunday afternoons. No we moved last year about 12 miles away which is not that far but to teenagers it's like being on the other side of the country. Dh has gotten quite angry with me because he blames me for stepson not visiting as I took away his bedroom a few months ago. Basically I have two children from my last marriage (16 and 13) who live full time at our house. Me and dh have a two year old together, we had to give the two year his own room because he needs a special care because of a physical disability. This room is on the ground floor unlike the other bedrooms and we will probably modify it with age to suit his needs. My father had the same condition and did not have the help at a young age causing his problems to increase later in life. Dh although agreeing to the plans said that he thinks my 13 and 16 year old should share the double. I objected because I don't think the bedrooms are big enough for two teenagers plus they are here full time. I did resent stepson about the bedroom because he did not want to move his stuff despite Me and dh explaining how it would help with the two year old. He hasn't been round here as much since I asked him to help with looking after his little brother when I had to look after my seriously ill sister at the time. When he is round I try and steer clear and leave him alone as much as possible because we do clash. But I leave to dh and he just sits and leaves all the work up to dh and my ds 16. He doesn't show much care for his younger brother at all really. I don't think I should be blamed for him not visiting I think that he'd rather be with friends. Dh has invited him to go on holiday but he is not going. I think it's important for Dh to have a relationship with his son but stepson knows that Dh will come to him and that he can avoid all of us if he doesn't visit. This is a bit selfish because it takes Dh away from us. Dh is like a dad to my two older kids who lost their father when they were young.

So am I being unreasonable?

WannaBe Wed 10-Aug-16 14:19:32

Yabu.

Noonesfool Wed 10-Aug-16 14:20:35

So stepson can't win - if he's there you "clash" if dad visits him he is "taking him away"

He needs somewhere to sleep when he's at his dad's house - can't he share with one of the other teens?

PatriciaHolm Wed 10-Aug-16 14:22:24

So he no longer has somewhere to sleep, and he's asked to do childcare when he does come?

I can see why he's not rushing round, can't you?

At 16, he's probably busy with friends and other things as well, so its not just that he feels unwelcome - but I bet he does.

WannaBe Wed 10-Aug-16 14:23:11

TBH it never ceases to amaze me when parents get annoyed/upset when their teenagers have no interest in the baby they've decided to have fourteen or so years down the line, and I take that view regardless of whether these are half or full siblings.

The reality is that sixteen year olds generally have very little interest in two year olds, most likely even less so when they're being pushed out because of that child as has happened in your ds' case.

For him, you've had a baby, have moved house and have thrown him out of his bedroom so the baby you've had can e accommodated. Obviously there are some extenuating circumstances resulting from your DS' disabilities but very few teenagers will see that point. All he sees is that you've taken away his bedroom to accommodate your children's wants and needs.

AmandaIsHere Wed 10-Aug-16 14:23:44

He has got a place to sleep round ours we have a put up bed in ds 16 room.

PatriciaHolm Wed 10-Aug-16 14:23:55

PS - it's not selfish of his Dad to want to visit him! His Dad lives with you and the other kids all the time - how on earth is it selfish of his other son to want to spend some time with him?

celtiethree Wed 10-Aug-16 14:24:51

Why did you move? On the face of it YABU, you took his room, you resent him, avoid him and ask him to care for your DS2. Can't imagine why he'd want to visit.

BertrandRussell Wed 10-Aug-16 14:25:16

Reverse?

EMS23 Wed 10-Aug-16 14:26:14

A 16yrold won't realise that his dad coming to see him is 'taking him away from his other family' so stop putting that kind of blame on the poor kid!

FWIW, we have more space so it's not a choice I've had to make but my stepsons bedroom is his, no matter how much he stays with us. I think it's really important for him to feel that ours is his home, as much as at his mums. Can you reconsider the bedroom thing?
Reinstate his own room and if he still doesn't come round, you'll know it's not because of that.

16yr olds will undoubtedly be busy at weekends and contact may suffer but you don't sound hugely welcoming of him so it's not surprising he's voting with his feet.

StillStayingClassySanDiego Wed 10-Aug-16 14:27:03

I can completely understand why your Stepson doesn't want to visit, you have admitted you clash so does that mean you were less than pleased to see him when he did visit and he picked up on some tension from you?

I think he needs time with his Dad alone and that's hard luck on the rest of you, in my opinion.

cexuwaleozbu Wed 10-Aug-16 14:27:48

It wasn't unreasonable for the two rooms to be mainly the personal space of the two teenagers who actually live there, but I hope that DSS has his own actual bed and storage and parts of one of the room that can be "his" in terms of decor etc?

DH "blaming you" for this is odd because I would have expected that to have been a decision you took mutually after enough discussion to agree with a plan that both you and dh were happy with - did that not happen? Did you railroad the decision through without letting DH object?

Oswin Wed 10-Aug-16 14:30:02

So not A proper bed. What's wrong with him spending alone time with his son. Your DC get him every single day. Now his son doesn't feel welcome in the house so your dh MUST see him alone every week if he has any hope of a relationship with him.

Chippednailvarnishing Wed 10-Aug-16 14:31:35

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AmandaIsHere Wed 10-Aug-16 14:33:00

He has got space for his stuff it is in our room. We are looking into moving or extending above to garage. Because we need more space in general but first priority would be getting stepson his own room.

Noonesfool Wed 10-Aug-16 14:35:13

Has anyone, and by anyone I mean his dad or mum, actually asked your stepson why he doesn't want to come round?

Might not be a bad idea...

AmandaIsHere Wed 10-Aug-16 14:37:41

Has anyone, and by anyone I mean his dad or mum, actually asked your stepson why he doesn't want to come round?

No but he has been asking Dh for money for lots of things with friends and stuff so I assume he is out with friends a lot.

Stevefromstevenage Wed 10-Aug-16 14:37:46

Is this a reverse? Surely no one could be that lacking in empathy.

PaulAnkaTheDog Wed 10-Aug-16 14:38:40

Poor kid.

Missgraeme Wed 10-Aug-16 14:41:29

At 16 doing family stuff may be at the bottom of his agenda. Step siblings /half siblings whichever to a 16 year old =bickering /moaning /mess /noise etc. I doubt it's to do with not having a room now. My 16year old - shared custody has a sofa bed at my house and doesn't care at all! He spends equal time with friends +family if I insist he joins us! But if I left it to him he would prob chill with friends and not prioritise us simply because he has a busy life!! Your oh is taking it as a personal snub and blaming u. That old guilt from not being a full time dad to him blah blah! When u get the extension built he will likely shut his door and u won't see him anyway!!

VioletVaccine Wed 10-Aug-16 14:44:29

So he's got a put up bed. Not even a permanent fixture in your family home- that hurts, i promise you.

When a new baby comes along and you lose that one bit of space in your father's home that used to be yours, you do feel unwelcome.
That said, he doesn't sound all that welcome there anyway

Pearlman Wed 10-Aug-16 14:48:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

glasgowlass Wed 10-Aug-16 14:49:36

He probably doesn't feel welcome....I can see why.

whattodowiththepoo Wed 10-Aug-16 14:49:43

Yabu

SpidersFromMars Wed 10-Aug-16 14:50:31

I understand why you've done it, but I also understand how your stepson might feel about it too. Talk to him.

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