AIBU to not want to socialise with someone convicted of sexual offences related to children?

(771 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

tomhardyonthewaltzers Tue 19-Apr-16 16:46:58

Am I losing my mind? because apparently I'm being unreasonable!.

A friends wedding is coming up. Invitation arrived ages ago and I accepted. I was really looking forward to it as would see lots of friends from Uni I haven't seen for years.

One of our old friendship group was several years ago convicted of making and distributing child abuse images. He got a suspended sentence. His GF was also part of our friendship group and she stuck by him. I cut contact with both of them.

A few years later he was caught again and jailed this time. GF found out she was pregnant just after he went inside. Again she stuck by him and they now have two children together and are still a couple but not living together since he was released.

They're both invited to the wedding which I only just found out. So I told friend who's getting married that I won't attend now because they're going.

So now I'm being pressured by the rest of the friendship group. Told that friend who's getting married is devastated, that her wedding won't be the same if I'm not there to watch her get married. Can't I just put my opinion aside for one day? That they don't want to see him either but wouldn't let the bride down. I was even called selfish!.

I CANNOT watch him laughing and joking at the reception or having a dance or whatever. I just can't watch him enjoy himself knowing what he's done and I am more angry with his partner really, although I know that's unfair but I just can't fathom her thought processes at all.

Would anyone on here be able to put it aside and go? I do feel guilty about letting my friend down and upsetting her and it seems like I'm the only one of our friendship group making this decision.

VeryBitchyRestingFace Tue 19-Apr-16 16:52:48

Hope there aren't any kids at this wedding...

EverySongbirdSays Tue 19-Apr-16 16:54:01

Why she wants him there is a mystery to me.

I have friends who stood by a known rapist and it still makes my blood boil even though he's dead now. I didn't attend one of their family functions because he'd been invited.

He shouldn't be able to stop you having a good time and celebrating YOUR friends special day though.

WorraLiberty Tue 19-Apr-16 16:55:59

Yanbu

And ignore the emotional blackmailer who told you this.... Told that friend who's getting married is devastated, that her wedding won't be the same if I'm not there to watch her get married.

You're her friend from Uni, no her long lost grandmother.

If you don't want to go, just send a prezzie and a card.

DropYourSword Tue 19-Apr-16 16:57:09

There's no way I could go. Hmm. Unless I was armed, maybe. And I wouldn't really want to associate with anyone that thought it was acceptable for him to be invited.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Tue 19-Apr-16 16:58:29

They can invite who they want. It's not the bride putting pressure on you?

If you don't feel comfortable, don't go.

MaddyHatter Tue 19-Apr-16 16:58:37

YANBU..

there is one of our social group who was convicted of abusing a minor.. DH and I want NOTHING to do with him, yet we are often told to get over ourselves when we avoid group gatherings.

Personally, i find it more offensive that knowing what he did, that others want the scumbag around and seem willing to forgive him.

BarbarianMum Tue 19-Apr-16 16:58:58

Yanbu

I think if it were just another random guest whom I could avoid, I'd go. But an old friend who will no doubt be wanting to catch up with everyone, no.

MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge Tue 19-Apr-16 16:59:57

Everything that Worra said.

It is completely bizarre that people do this.

AngharadTheSplendid Tue 19-Apr-16 17:02:37

Good for you OP. I would do the exact same thing, no way would I be in the same room as them. If bride is that devastated she will ask them not to attend as it is upsetting her guests.

I question her intelligence/sanity for inviting them in he first place tbh.

KERALA1 Tue 19-Apr-16 17:03:52

A friend of my parents was nearly prosecuted for having sex with one of his pupils (he was an old looking mid 40s senior teachers she was 15 boak). He left his wife and kids and now lives in Thailand.

When it all came out dad wrote to him to say he would have nothing more to do with him ever. Apparently the friend was shocked about this and tried to get dad to change his mind. Errr no.

2ManySweets Tue 19-Apr-16 17:05:35

YANBU.

To be fair (and I know you've not done this) you can't tell the bride who she can and cannot invite but you are within your rights to say what you've said.

Also - him and his GF have kids - so she had another one by him after he got out of nick? Knowing what he was nicked for??? Bloody hell. Worrying to say the least.

The damage done to the friendship by the actions of this guy is his and his alone to feel guilt for. I don't blame you for not wanting to be in the same room as this creature. flowers

Cloudstasteofmash Tue 19-Apr-16 17:06:09

I wouldn't be attending.

Lottapianos Tue 19-Apr-16 17:08:45

I definitely wouldn't go to this wedding either OP. And anyone who is using emotional blackmail against you can just sod off. Its seriously disturbing how many people are so keen to sweep hideous criminal behaviour under the carpet. I guess they would all just like to pretend it never happened so they don't have to deal with the reality, and you refusing to play along with the whole charade disturbs their constructed reality. Good for you. Stand firm.

Shakey15000 Tue 19-Apr-16 17:08:53

YANBU. I wouldn't be going either.

SurroMummy13 Tue 19-Apr-16 17:09:03

Personally wouldn't go.

Shakey15000 Tue 19-Apr-16 17:09:17

YANBU. I wouldn't be going either.

EatShitDerek Tue 19-Apr-16 17:09:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shakey15000 Tue 19-Apr-16 17:09:56

YANBU. I wouldn't be going either.

Shakey15000 Tue 19-Apr-16 17:10:29

Sorry for posting thrice blush

Bourdic Tue 19-Apr-16 17:13:59

YANBU - he must be on the sex offenders register. Will he have a camera at the wedding? Do others who are taking children know? Knowing his past, I couldn't bear to see him looking at my or anyone else's children. I only have to think of these damaged children whose images he made and distributed - I couldn't remain in contact with anyone who was prepared to tolerate him and therefore accept and condone his behaviour.

missbishi Tue 19-Apr-16 17:16:26

YANBU. If I was in your position, I'm not certain I'd be able to hold my tongue after a couple of drinks (if at all. I'm not a gobby cow, honestly, but paedos do invoke a special kind of hatred). That could easily spoil the reception and wreck friend's big day, so you could say staying away is the considerate thing to do.

spanky2 Tue 19-Apr-16 17:18:14

I'm not violent but I'm not sure I could be in the same room as this guy without lamping him. What are the thinking, he's convicted, it's not just rumour? I must admit I always thought paedophiles had children so they could abuse them, although that is probably a generalisation. But what is the wife thinking?! My first French kiss was when I was 6 or 7 from my mum's best friend's dh. I was terrified for a very long time. So that probably explains my opinion.
YADNBU. The bride and groom are by condoning his behaviour along with his wife.

NewLife4Me Tue 19-Apr-16 17:23:36

Tbh I'd have nothing to do with those attending the wedding who know his history.
They are only people you knew at uni, not worth the bother anyway.

nogrip Tue 19-Apr-16 17:25:21

no way would I go

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