To want to have someone pay their way?

[Suffdad79]

I realise this could go down a gender expectation rabbit hole but please bear with me as I do really want to have a female perspective on it:

I'm divorced with two children who I'm lucky and see a lot of and, since the split, I have taken them on holiday a couple of times. Both really nice holidays but would have been nice to have shared them with some grown up company.
Anyway, I am now something of an item with someone I have known a long time and we thought it would be great for the 4 of us to go on holiday together this summer. One of the things I've always known about her was her independence and how she's always working and saying that she would never want to be reliant on a man - that's actually a very attractive quality after being with someone for 9 years who didn't actually contribute anything to the relationship and left a financial apocalypse at the end of it and who happily spent every penny I earned. And yet...

The final balance for the holiday is due and not one penny has so far been forthcoming so i've had to pay the lot today - I'm obviously paying for me and my kids and she was going to pay for herself. Am I likely to see any of that money or am I being taken for a mug? I have a feeling I'm going to do that British thing of letting it slide for the sake of politeness...

Luckily I have a good job, a reasonable lifestyle and I'm making headway in rebuilding my life but I swore to myself I would never again get into any relationship where it wasn't completely equal. I genuinely think that if I end up paying for this, there is no future with her as I'm just setting the tone for the future - again.
Am I being unreasonable about this or should I just accept that, as a man, I'm a walking wallet?

[CupidStuntSurvivor]

Have you asked her for the money?

[PurpleSwift]

What did she say when you asked her for the money?

[expatinscotland]

Ask her to stump up.

[FuckingLiability]

Of course you're not a walking wallet as a man. I don't understand why you haven't just asked her instead of jumping to conclusions.

Personally, I think I'd just tell her, 'I booked the holiday today, you share is X, if you can let me know when you'll pay it into my bank that would be great'.

If

[mrsfuzzy]

if she is that independant why hasn't she offered a share towards it ? you need to talk with her about this. probably thought that you were covering the whole thing, for everyone as you are an item.
please don't let your ex put you off the female species though, most of us are nice and do not treat other like your ex did.

[WoodliceCollection]

Just say "Can you do me a bank transfer for your share of the holiday money?" and see what she says. Of course you aren't BU to expect her to pay for herself, especially since you have two children to support and aren't living together/going out for a very long time, but it could be she's just forgotten? I don't think it's anything to do with gender, people often forget to pay bills until the last minute without knowing the gender of the person receiving the cash.

[FarFromAnyRoad]

Ummm - yeah.............have you tried asking? Or telling her, in a reasonable grown up way, that the balance is due today and you're going to need her share please. You did establish first that she understands she'll be paying her way did you?

[rookiemere]

When you mentioned the holiday, how was it discussed?

What type of holiday is it? If it was, say, a UK cottage, then you'd presumably have to get the same number of bedrooms if she was coming or not, in which case she may not think she needs to make a contribution, particularly if she ends up doing some of the child care.

If it involves flights, then yes absolutely she should pay her share.

[hobNong]

Seems a bit weird. I went on holiday a few times with my dp when we first got together and we always split, apart from when I treated him to a weekend away as a birthday surprise and he did the same for me another time. But those were clear gifts.

Have you not talked to her about the cost? Can you not just say 'I had to pay off the holiday today. Can you transfer the money into my bank sometime this week.'?

[TheChandler]

Have you actually discussed payment, especially the date of payment? How is she to know that the date of payment is coming up and that she is to pay her share now and not at some later date in the future?

You sound a little bit too ready to blame her for something she may not have actually done yet. And all that stuff about assessing her and your relative wealth - forget about that and stick to the relevant facts of whether you have properly asked her for the money or not.

Anyone could be a "walking wallet" (charming phrase), of whatever gender, if they want to play the role of victim so readily and don't actually tell their friends when they need payment by. I take it your partner is not a mind reader or practising psychic?

[AlternativeTentacles]

Does she know how much it is costing, and when you are paying the money for the holiday? How did the initial conversation go?

[SaucyJack]

YANBU in theory obv.

But does she actually know you're waiting for payment for her share? Did you discuss who was paying for what at the time of inviting her?

It's hard to say whether she's trying to shaft you, or whether there's been a genuine misunderstanding when you invited her to go away with you?

[Justmuddlingalong]

It sounds as though the financial issues you had are being transferred onto this relationship. Is she someone you want to be with or is she 'grown up company'? You say that you are 'something of an item', which hardly sounds like the 1st flush of romance to me. It seems a bit half hearted.

[Bambamb]

that's actually a very attractive quality after being with someone for 9 years who didn't actually contribute anything to the relationship

Didn't your ex work? If not was she looking after your children while you worked? Or did you employ childcare while you worked and she enjoyed free time?

Sorry but I find your comment a bit hard to accept and makes your whole post distasteful to me to be honest. But willing to be corrected.

[TheMagnificientFour]

Why haven't you asked her yet?
Is it really that hard to say 'Oh I've received the letter re the payemnt of the hols. They ask for £xx to be paid by YY day. Could you send me your part please?'

[hobNong]

Good point about the children bambamb.

[DarylDixonsDarlin]

Yes bambamb, was just wondering the same myself

OP just ask for her share of the holiday money. Surely her reaction will tell you all you need to know!?

[Songofsixpence]

In theory, no, YANBU.

But also, I can't see anything to suggest she's expecting you to pay for it either.

Have you spoken to her? What was discussed when you booked it? Did she give you a budget of what she could afford? Have any input as to where you are going? If you booked it all, does she even know the balance was due today?

[CupidStuntSurvivor]

Yoo hoo OP, you there? Lots of irrelevant info in your post (though what bambamb has said strikes a chord with me too) yet the relevant things aren't here.

Surely if you know her well enough to bring her on a holiday with your children, you know her well enough to not get too 'British' about things and stump the cost because you're too embarrassed to ask?

[Suffdad79]

It was clearly agreed from the minute we booked it that she was paying and she was happy to do so. We were both saying that we wanted to go on holiday this year so our conversation naturally came around to doing it together. I did also double check with her that she was happy with the price before I even paid the deposit.

I think perspective is important though as I guess I'm more hard-nosed than the 24 year old me was when I got with my ex.
I have a much different view on things these days and I know from experience that it's best to get things on the table early as little resentments early on will only grow. I have to also be practical as re-starting your life in your mid 30's means that you can't be as frivolous as you were before. I have two children who rely on me after all.
I know for a fact that women weigh men up in this way - they rightly consider everything about a man and what he is bringing to the table. Am I not just doing the same?

[CupidStuntSurvivor]

Yes, but now the balance is due, have you asked for the money?

[rookiemere]

So just ask her nicely for the money then : "Oh sweetheart, I've paid the balance, your share is £XXX. Shall I give you my bank details to put it in before I have to pay the credit card bill ."
I'm not sure why you would sit around festering about it rather than say that tbh.

[Bambamb]

Does she even know the balance is due? This has the feel of a goady thread, I'm out.

[Suffdad79]

Yes, just to be clear, we booked it last year, agreed who was paying what and we've been talking about it lots in the meantime anyway. So I think the reason I am getting concerned is that we've spoken about the payment a number of times and I'm beginning to sound like a stuck record regarding the payment for the holiday. Which is awkward for me!! lol
Each time though, it's "yeah yeah, I haven't forgotten".
Don't get me wrong, I think she's great, I always have. I just need to feel that I'm not starting on a path that I don't want to be on you know?