To not want to go to family party?

[PandasRock]

This could get long, sorry.



I don't get on with dh's family. More accurately, they don't like me. Mostly because I am not dh's first wife (not something I can do anything about!). Dh & I have been together for 15 years now, so not exactly a new relationship.

Next month, there is a large, whole-family (no mean feat, since half of them live abroad) party, a double celebration, and I don't want to go.

MIL had a strop earlier this year when told that we didn't want to fund the party (had grand ideas about huge celebrations, with dh bearing majority cost). Dh was accused of not caring about her. We were told she didn't want to have to think about entertaining young children (we have the only young grandchildren) as it was 'her party' (part of the celebration is for her birthday), and she didn't want young children there. We said fine, and told her to enjoy the weekend, as it wasn't possible for us to attend.

Fast forward a bit, and BIL has taken over organising the party. It has been scaled back (a lot of wider family from abroad not invited, plans not as grand) but does still incorporate a black-tie dinner, plus a whole day, supposedly less formal (but can't see that happening) get-together the following day, with an as-yet unknown itinerary for the final day.

Dh desperately wants to go (he has been virtually no contact for a while, due to his parents unreasonable behaviour; he cannot quite let go, and wants to go as it will be 'nice to have all the family together' )

I don't, for the following reasons:

we have 3 young dc. none of whom are completely welcome at the black-tie dinner. MIL has been told to put up with them, but given they are 8, 6 and 2, I can't see them lasting well at a formal dinner which will go on late. And their presence at the table will be resented from the start. 2 of them have ASD, one severely, one high functioning. At family get-togethers, it falls to me to deal with them. All been fine(ish) in the past, but now we have a 2 year old as well, who has just this last week hit toddler-from-hell stakes in shrieking, getting into trouble, shrieking, tantrumming did I mention the shrieking. I can't see how it is going to be much fun for me to deal with both older children (one because they will cling to me in an unfamiliar situation, the other because she will get a bit overwhelmed) as well as the toddler, in the middle of a load of people I don't particularly like, and who certainly don't like me.

oh, and dh's ex wife will be there - who still hasn't quite got over dh & I getting married, doesn't like me (I was not the OW), is the preferred SIL/DIL, and is deeply patronising and condescending about me not working, and 'coping bravely' with my disabled dc. I can't say anything, of course, as she is liked by dh's family, and my (adult) stepchildren will also be there.

Dh is doing a good job of blocking out me saying I don't want to go. I have been saying I don't want to for months now. He is still trying to insist it will all be ok. He has acknowledged that he can see why I don't want to go.

this is going to cause a huge row. but I really, really, don't want to go.

[Kerryp]

I don't know what to say op, I wouldn't want to go either. I hope he sees reason and doesn't force you to go! especially as the kids don't seem particularly welcome. Is it an option to let him go and you stay at home with kids?

[PandasRock]

I have been saying all along that that is what he should do!

But he wants us all to go. He has this dream of our dc having some sort of relationship with is family, which isn't really going to happen. they haven't seen their grandparents for 3 years now (and even then it was a quick half hour meeting, as they are not welcome at our house - dh's stipulation, not mine! - and have only met his brothers once or twice. none of them has ever met ds at all.

to be fair, his brothers (and families) will be fine with the children, whatever happens. but his parents won't.

[Scholes34]

I think your options are to find a babysitter for the children or stay at home with them if you can't. Why on earth would you even contemplate taking them to the black tie dinner? Without the stress of looking after three children, you might be able to relax and get some enjoyment out of the evening, even if it's just nice meal.

[Sidthesausage]

Either you go and he takes 50% responsibility or you don't go?

[BlackeyedSusan]

your children will not enjoy it. tell him that it is not in the children;s best interests to go... the two with asd will have high anxiety, the noise and new people and overstimulation will cause then distress, as will the shrieking of the toddler... (and boy don't they shriek)

ALso you arre reasiobable to limit contact with people who do notlike you.rude.

[nicoleshitsinger]

It's important to your husband, so find a baby sitter and go.

Be lovely and warm, eat the food, drink the wine, talk about your children.

You'll probably never have to do it again.

[PandasRock]

can't find a babysitter - party is a whole-weekend affair a couple of hundred miles away. there is an option to take someone extra with us (my friend is fab, and has offered) to babysit the children for the balck-tie dinner bit, but there would still be the rest of the weekend ot get through.

and as Susan points out, the stress and anxiety will be through the roof, meaning none of us enjoy it.

50% responsibility not an option - he will agree it happily (and is a good hands-on dad in daily life) but will not actually manage it when at a party (I speak from experience)

[eurochick]

How about he goes to the dinner alone but you join with the children for the hopefully less formal daytime activities the next day?

[SavoyCabbage]

I would go and be dazzling as I would want to win and not going just gives them a stick to beat you with for the rest of time.

The party sounds like a massive deal as it has been planned for ages and people are coming from all over.

I would go, not drink, talk to old ladies and laugh at people's jokes, show off my children then leave as early as you can.

[PandasRock]

nicole - that is the only reason (well, and dh seemingly not hearing me when I say I don't want to go ) that it is still on the table. it is important to him (for all the wrong reasons, imo, but it is).

and yes, I'll probably never have to do it again.

but it is still a whole weekend of being judged (when my dc can't quite cope with it all) and pitied (when my dc can't quite cope with it all). of my children being alternately ignored and then over-stimulated and stressed. of my children being compared (unfavourably) with the other cousins, and of me being compared (unfavourably) with dh's ex.

last time my PIL came to stay with us, they thought nothing of throwing casually into the conversation the fact that they don't think second marriages are valid. that only first marriages count. this in front of my (then teenage) stepchildren - inference being that they were the 'true' grandchildren, and ours (thankfully too young to be present at that dinner!) weren't. nice.

I can't imagine their views will have changed any.

[BlackeyedSusan]

mine totally forgot about his children whenever we saw his family too.

and they thought going to a restaurant for three hours with a toddler and a baby was a good idea.

the childre nneed to come first. you just can't do these things with children with ASD. it causes them pain. why cause children pain for a fantasy family do?

[DoJo]

Can your husband possibly put aside the issues between his family and you and acknowledge that forcing your children into this situation is a terrible idea? If it were anyone else inviting you to an event that you would otherwise like to go to, but that would be completely unsuitable for your children to attend, would he still insist that you should go and it would be fine?

It sounds like he is still holding on the idea that he can in some way 'fix' things between you and his family and this is a manifestation of it. If it wasn't about whether or not you wanted to go, but was instead about whether or not it is a reasonable expectation for your children, then would he still be hoping to make it work through sheer willpower alone? Perhaps that might be an approach which would get through to him, as he is obviously letting the other issues cloud his judgement, but might see the light if you couched it in different terms.

[PandasRock]

eurochick - it is an option. but less formal do is still and all-day affair. which will be difficult for my dc to cope with (lots of people milling about and talking; lots of noise.)

Savoy - I don't really care if they think they have won, tbh. I can't go and be dazzling and sparkling, as dd1 will be glued to me for the entire weekend, and the severity of her ASD means I won't be able to talk to anyone else, pretty much, but will instead be keeping her from meltdown most of the time. and running after shrieking ds the rest of the time.

leaving early not an option - if we go, we will be stuck there for 3 days.

[Scholes34]

Take your friend and let her look after the children for the black tie event and follow Savoy's wonderful advice. Take youf friend along with you to the less formal events and let her help where your DH can't/won't.

If you've not seen each other for a long time, it's difficult for them to get to know you . . . and you need to give them the opportunity to get to know you, even if they opt not to take it.

[deakymom]

ummm his ex wife is going? i wouldn't leave him to go alone trying to make small children unwelcome so you have to stay home and inviting her smacks of get them back "together" people be brave be tragic BE THERE! its only once and it will irritate them massively x

[deakymom]

oh and tell dh those dangleys are testicals he clearly has some he needs to make use of the testosterone provided say no to mummy occasionally and also help you with the children you need to be a family unit visibly a family unit if his ex isn't over him after so long its because she thinks she has a chance (or she is psychotic)

good luck xx

[PandasRock]

DoJo, I'm not sure really. he does tend to see everythign through rose-tinted glasses, and to be fair, we do manage to do an awful lot with the dc. eg holidays etc - dd1 is actually very good with travel and change and new things. but then it is just us, and both of us concentrate on the dc, so we get through it all.

this time, dh will not pull his weight - he will get stuck in with catching up with family he hasn't seen for ages (unerstandable), leaving me to do it all. this was just about doable when we had 2 dc, with 3 (with the ages they are at, and the need shtey have) it is not possible. this is what he is not acknowledging.

he probably would still be insisting on giving it a go if it wasn;t about me not wanting to go - he does tend to want to push boundaies on what we do/try, whereas I am more the one saying no. sometimes it works, sometimes it doens't. this is a longer 'try' than others we have done (if it was just for one evening/afternoon I would be more willing), and also the stakes are higher. his family already bitch about me. I hate the thought of giving them more ammunition to do so (and that ammunition being my dc - who are, fo course, gorgeous and perfect , even when they are shrieking!)

[maras2]

Don't go.It sounds a crap night anyway.I really can't understand why the former wife is going nor the dress code.Save yourselves much heartache and boycott this silly party.

[KnackeredMuchly]

You should go I think

[Cocolepew]

Have you posed about this party before? It sounds familiar. MIL sounds a charmer

[ShergarAndSpies]

Could you travel up there with lovely friend, you and DH go to black tie do in evening and then the next day either all of you go to some fun kid friendly attraction nearby and then travel home or you and lovely friend go off with the kids leaving DH to spend time with his family and make his own way home.

So kids attend none of it, you attend the black tie bit to show willing to DH and he can attend as much or as little as he wants.

Yes it's a real faff for something you don't want to go to anyway but maybe worth considering for (your) family harmony?

[landrover]

Why don't you and DH just go to the black tie do (with friend staying with kids) and then come home next morning? x

[PandasRock]

oh god, no - no chance of dh and ex getting back togehter. I don't think she wants to - I said she hasn't got over us getting married, not hasn't got over him! It irritates her intensely, for some reason, but there is no way they are getting back together.

Scholes - we haven't seent hem for a long time because PIL are narcissitic arses who were verbally abusive to dh in front of his children. I am not prepared (neither is dh) for this to potentially happen again, in front of our children. So they are not welcome in our house. they live at the oposite end of the country, so we don't have a chance to meetup in neutral ground.

his brothers - one thinks the same as his parents (that second marriages aren't valid) - can't really even start to get my head around that one, and he has stated that our dc are not 'really' his neices and nephew. Not someone I need my children getting to know. they aren't second class citizens. the other brother has repeatedly turned down offers to meet the children - both invites here and us going to visit them. he has met the dds a few times, all at family parties, but hasn't even particularly spoken to them, I don't think.

I just don't see the point.

[landrover]

Aah cross posted Shergar, good idea x

[Scholes34]

Do they really bitch about you? I'm asking in the nicest possible way, but are you really a big deal in their lives, or, if you take a step back, can you admit that you are overthinking it all? You say it's a long time since you've seen each other, but initially, you were to finance a big part of the event. How does this all work?