To have just thrown my DH out for good after he put our baby at risk

(295 Posts)
MrsSeanBean1 Thu 01-May-14 23:13:24

I am so angry and upset so may be completely overreacting (although it doesn't feel like it at the moment). DH and I have a 2 year old and a 10 week old. We have really struggled with the new baby as he has milk intolerance and severe reflux. He is on a concoction of meds and I am in and out of hospital with him. Because his reflux is so bad I am terrified of him choking as he is often sick and he has to sleep in his bouncy chair until we can get it more under control. I know that sleeping in a bouncy chair can restrict breathing, which I have explained to DH, so we stay up with him in shifts.

I go to bed about 8.30/9pm once DD is in bed at 7.30 and I have settled the baby. DH then sits with him until 11.30pm as he gets 'tired' then so I then sit up with him from 11.30pm until 5.30pm. DH gets up at 5.30am so I can go back to bed for 2 hours before he goes to work. We have very little family help at the moment as my grandparents were both recently diagnosed with terminal cancer so my mom is worn out looking after them and I feel unable to ask her to help me anymore than she does.

I have really struggled with the new baby (have posted numerous threads) and I'm sure a lot of it is down to the fact that I am existing on very little sleep (usually 4 hours a day) and have been for almost 3 months now. I find looking after both babies so hard every day as I dash about taking my DD to her baby classes whilst trying to cope with a very very difficult baby. Most days I am in tears, wondering when this nightmare will end and I am finding it very hard to bond with the baby.

Tonight I came downstairs early as I felt really unwell and needed some tablets. I just had a feeling that DH would be asleep. Sure enough he was! I am SO angry!! I always give myself the shitty end of the stick as I know he won't be able to cope but he can't even do this simple thing to keep his own son safe. He is such a pathetic wuss. He is always tired! So much so that I made him go to the doctors and it was discovered that he has low testosterone and has just started replacement therapy. So maybe he can't help being so tired which makes me feel like such a bitch for being so mad.

Maybe I wouldn't be so mad if he hadn't just spent 2 nights away in London at a leisurely conference, dinner is nice hotels, 10 hours sleep both nights. Comes home tonight after I have been on my knees for 2 days and hasn't even got the stamina to stay awake for the evening. I've been awake since 1am yesterday (mom watched the baby from 9pm until 1am so I could get a few hours).

I just no longer trust him. I know he has been lying to me now everytime I asked him straight out if he ever nodded off with the baby. I had an issue with trust as when I was 6 months pregnant I discovered his massive porn habit, despite him saying throughout our marriage that he rarely looked at it.

Anyway, I have gone absolutely mad and thrown him out. I can't cope anyway so I might as well not cope on my own. I just don't know what to do next sad and I am so so tired. I feel like just leaving everything and everyone behind and disappearing into the night.

SueDNim Thu 01-May-14 23:19:11

Have you been advised by the hospital that your baby should sleep in a bouncy chair and needs to have an awake adult with him at all times?

Ajaney Thu 01-May-14 23:20:47

Sounds a really difficult situation for you all.

The only thing I can say regarding sleep is that I find the more you have, the more you want. When I was breastfeeding my DS, normally every 3 hours at night at that age, he would occasionally miss a feed and I would get 6 or so hours. I would feel worse the following night and day when back on schedule.

I think you are a tiny bit U caused by Sleep deprivation. It sounds awful, I hope it will soon pass.

Please go to your GP in the morning. It's totally unsurprising that you're exhausted on the kind of schedule you're on, but you need support and your GP might be best placed to help.

thanks

MrsSeanBean1 Thu 01-May-14 23:21:19

No but we cannot get him to sleep anywhere else. If we put him in his cot, even with the end raised, he just refluxes so much he chokes. I don't really know what I should be doing, I'm just muddling through and am so hopeless at all this.

Albertatata Thu 01-May-14 23:21:22

Ok, you know you are overreacting. You are completely sleep deprived and you need more support. Is there anybody who you can ring who can come round. Is it really essential for an adult to be awake around your son at all times?

Twighlightsparkle Thu 01-May-14 23:22:47

Many hugs, I can sympathise on reflux and no sleep but neither of you can go,on like this, please ask your go for help, four hours sleep s not enough.

We were not advised re bouncy chair fair reflux. I think your baby needs more medical help.

YouAreMyRain Thu 01-May-14 23:23:05

I think you are exhausted and probably not thinking straight. Your current arrangement is clearly not working. I don't see how you can blame a tired person for falling asleep (the porn is another issue, try to put it on the back burner until you are under less stress and thinking more clearly)

Could you not raise the head end of your baby's cot/Moses basket to help with reflux instead of sleeping in the bouncy chair? Then you could also get an angel monitor for peace of mind.

My baby was very prem and kept stopping breathing when he was little so we use the angel monitor at night. It sounds an alarm if no movement (breathing) is detected for a few seconds.

itiswhatitiswhatitis Thu 01-May-14 23:23:08

You poor thing you sound exhausted. Have the dr's recommended your baby sleeps in a bouncy chair? Have they told you he is at risk of choking? (Neither of mine had reflux so not sure what the advice usually is for this)

flumperoo Thu 01-May-14 23:23:18

This seems to me like a really unhealthy and unworkable situation. Has a doctor said that you need to stay up in shifts all through the night to watch your baby? I really don't think your husband has done anything wrong here in falling alseep. Surely he can't help it if he's exhausted. I'm just stunned that there is a need to watch a baby all through the night.

Shedding Thu 01-May-14 23:23:33

You can get reflux wedges for this. You can't survive on this little sleep and you possibly can't plan your relationship in this state? I really feel for you but agree with pp that clarifying your baby's needs is a priority.

itiswhatitiswhatitis Thu 01-May-14 23:23:38

Sorry x post

BobPatandIgglePiggle Thu 01-May-14 23:29:29

I really feel for you but the situation you're in is not sustainable.

Surely sleeping next to the baby is enough? You'd hear him if he woke or atartes to be sick.

Is the baby on any meds to help?

SolomanDaisy Thu 01-May-14 23:29:41

Could you get a baby hammock? They're supposed to be brilliant for reflux. Or you could get one of those breathing monitors that clip onto the baby. You cannot go on deliberately sleeping so little. You can make decisions about your marriage once you've had enough sleep to think straight.

Blondiebrownie Thu 01-May-14 23:29:54

You sound exhausted and rightly so.

But these are the times where you need to become a team with your DH, understandably there will be times when you want to take it out on each other but you're both a team and you both love each other and your DC's.

I would make an appointment with your GP and explain the situation and your routine. Tell him how you're feeling, how it is affecting your relationship with your DH and your baby and how utterly exhausted you are.

thanks

MegBusset Thu 01-May-14 23:30:02

Yabu but I would be losing it too if I tried to stay awake all night every night!

Go to the GP. Get some advice on the sleeping situation. Your current set up is totally unsustainable and doing nobody any good. And remember that you and DH are on the same team, you should be supporting each other, not taking it out on each other.

YellowTulips Thu 01-May-14 23:30:35

So very sorry to hear what you are going through.

The first thing I would say is whilst I understand your distress I think making a life altering decision at a time of such stress and exhaustion is far from ideal. Dealing with family illness and the needs of a baby with reflux at the same time is so awful. I really feel for you thanks

I think you need help. You can't possibly continue to exist (I chose this word carefully as it's not living is it) in this situation.

You and DH are clearly both exhausted. I doubt he meant to fall asleep. It doesn't mean he doesn't love your LO, I just can't comprehend how either of you can continue with this level of sleep deprivation (and I say this as someone whose DS was a bad sleeper).

I think you need to see your GP. Can you get a specialist breathing monitor for the baby? Has the hospital said the baby has to sleep in the bouncer?
If not then I think you need to try alternatives. MN's who have had babies with reflux might be able to offer suggestions.

FoxSticks Thu 01-May-14 23:30:38

Cant the hospital give you more help like a breathing alarm or something if baby has to sleep in an unsafe position?

I know you are angry and upset but surely your husband wouldn't have set out to leave your baby vulnerable? Maybe you need to try and find an alternative or get more medical help as it sounds like it's just not feasible to keep this going.

SueDNim Thu 01-May-14 23:30:54

I think you need to see your GP or return to the hospital as it isn't reasonable to deprive your DH or yourself of sleep in this way. Particularly as it sounds like you are imposing this decision on your DH. It does sound horrible, but throwing your DH out sounds like an irrational response as a result of sleep deprivation.

PluggyMug Thu 01-May-14 23:31:34

I think you need to contact your gp and hv and get some help, support and advice.

Whilst I feel for you - being tired and stressed is awful, I really don't think your DH sleeping is unreasonable. It is unrealistic and unsustainable to carry out your plan.

DH and I were awful to each other in the early days of 2 with a poorly baby etc. I really wish we'd been more understanding of each other. Try and garner support and try not to make rash decisions when you're this tired.

edwinbear Thu 01-May-14 23:31:53

OP if sleeping in the bouncy chair and having an awake adult watching him hasn't been advised by the doctors, can I make a gentle suggestion that the anxiety you are experiencing could be a sign of PND? I say this as I suffered similar levels of anxiety after having ds and the midwife I discussed it with was very concerned about me. I completely understand how angry you are feeling with your dh but this is not a tenable situation. You need more sleep.

TakingTheStairs Thu 01-May-14 23:33:48

My lovely. You sound exhausted.
My DS had awful reflux just like that. He slept safely, and comfortably in a cocoonababy nest. It might help you get some rest.
Why do you think he will choke? He will automatically turn his head if he needs to sick that much. He will.

Shedding Thu 01-May-14 23:34:13

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/B002828KB4?pc_redir=1398549632&robot_redir=1

I used this for dd3 who couldn't sleep flat for the first 6 months due to constant streaming nose, it is angled but flat and supportive against their back iyswim?

Aeroflotgirl Thu 01-May-14 23:35:35

I have read your other post, at the moment you are not thinking straight, you have had very little sleep. Go to the GP and see what they suggest. Go easy on dh, your both having a hard time of it at the moment

PinkSquash Thu 01-May-14 23:35:51

Please speak to the paediatricians and your doctor, as another mum with a DC with reflux it isn't easy to cope, please get advice on safe sleeping and get some sleep.

I can't say YABU, but I think it's unsustainable- how will you carry on without DH with you doing shifts?

Please look after yourself, your health and wellbeing is crucial too.

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