Seething at school run friend's partner

[4posterbed]

I share the school run and bring home 2 other dc daily as we all live rurally, no school buses etc. These dc's parents take mine to school in the mornings (school starts 8:45am)while I do the after school pick up. The parents collect from my house around 3:45pm.

Recently one of the parent's came round at 7:30am to collect mine from school and because they normally come at 8:15 my dc were not ready. As a result, they missed their pick up which meant I had to take them in.

I wasn't happy about the change as had not been told. The mum told me her partner (father of her dc) wanted to punish her ( he is unemployed while she has a good job as a deputy head) for whatever reason, and as a result was now refusing to help get his dc with the school run.

Because she had to go to work, the only way she could get there in time was to pick up 7:30am. I am cross that my dc have to suffer because of her selfish partner. She told me he was lazy, never contributed financially, did nothing around the house and now was refusing to help out with the school run knowing what an impact it would have and hoping she would lose her job and that I would not want to carry on sharing the lifts.

I could not believe it! Basically, she said as he was the father of her dc the dc wanted him in their lives and so she has to put up with it and him living parasitically in their home.

This woman is so used to being so badly treated by him (we have shared the school run for years and I had no idea it was like this) I am utterly gobsmacked and believe she has also 'enabled' him to treat her this way.

I have texted him saying don't worry if he was going through a hard time right now I would do everything I could to help out (he was not picking his dc up from my house at 3:45 anymore leaving me to be an unpaid babysitter until the mum collected at 4:30-5pm). He texted back saying do not interfere so I then texted back saying how selfish
he was being and his dc needed a kind and thoughtful dad!

Now the mum has texted me to say she cannot pick up until 5pm but I have to go out (I am a volunteer driver) but I have agreed to let her dc stay here.

I have texted her 'is your partner still refusing to help out?' She hasn't replied because the answer is obviously yes. I feel put upon because of his selfishness and I feel like texting him again saying I am looking after his dc again and that his job!!

I am so angry about this, what should I do?

I could say no more sharing but then that would shoot me in the foot and punish the dc.

[AreYouBlueOrAreYouBlind]

Stop texting him, it's not improving the situation and you don't know if he's going to take it out on his wife when she gets home.

[justmyview]

I don't think you should interfere. You may make it worse for your friend

[ViviPru]

I think that's a bit harsh on the OP, you've handled it pretty reasonably so far. I think you just need to try and sit tight for a little while, give yourself a time frame, i.e. if they've not reached a resolution that's fair on you by, say, end of next week, you will have to think about ending the arrangement. Give them fair notice as it were. If there are repercussions in their household you are not responsible.

[MissMilbanke]

I know you meant it kindly but I would be rattled if I got texts like that.

There is a danger of coming across a bit snippy.

What should you do ? stay out of it and take and collect your own children till things resolve themselves.

[Ifcatshadthumbs]

I'm gob smacked you thought it would be a good idea to text him like that!

Personally I would not become an unpaid baby sitter though. If you pick up his slack then your friend can keep avoiding this issue.

[CaptainSweatPants]

He's right you shouldn't interfere
I'd ring her & tell her the lift sharing is no longer working for you
You're being used as an unpaid babysitter
Just take your dcs to school & pick them up & let her get on with it

[countrybump]

I'd volunteer to run her dc home for her, if her dp is at home to look after them?

[4posterbed]

Then that makes me an 'enabler' also!! I cannot believe this man is so utterly selfish. His dc regularly complain about him to me in the car, they say he does nothing all day, the mum does everything.They said they often took their dad's side in any argument until now as he was funny and the mum was stressed out!

Heaven forbid. I do not want to 'enable' this selfish excuse for a father. Now I know the situation I am seething. Blissful ignorance was better. I am not the sort of person who can just put up and shut up!

[hoppinghare]

I would only be their babysitter for a week at the most. After that you are probably better just doing both school runs yourself. They sound a very odd couple.

[hoppinghare]

I would only be their babysitter for a week at the most. After that you are probably better just doing both school runs yourself. They sound a very odd couple.

[WandaDoff]

Don't interfere any more, he'll probably take it out on her.

Let her know that you are a helping hand & a spare ear when she needs it & leave it at that.

She's going to need her friends when she eventually takes her head out of her arse & gets rid of him, but that is something she needs to do for herself.

[justmyview]

They said they often took their dad's side in any argument until now as he was funny and the mum was stressed out!

Sadly, it does happen in domestic abuse cases that one parent undermines the children's relationship with the other parent

[CoffeeTea103]

If the transport arrangement isn't working for you then let the mum know. You should not Interfere or keep offering your opinions to them, really stay out of it.

[nilbyname]

I would drop the kids back to their home everyday directly after school and keep doing so. This taking the power from him.

Idiot. Him, not you.

[4posterbed]

They live half an hour further from the school than me so it would make a round trip of two hours just to drop them off home!

[isitsnowingyet]

It sounds like a no-brainer. Stop sharing lifts with them

[SeaSickSal]

I'm a bit hmmm at this. I wonder if the Mum is stretching the truth slightly to get you to fit in with her. Some of it just sounds a bit strange, like not even ringing you to let you know she was going to be early or texting you back now.

The timings sound like he might have got a job. But instead of telling you that and asking for help they've come up with a cock and bull story. Sorry, it just doesn't ring true at all.

[SeaSickSal]

I don't see why if true she wouldn't be organising a childminder rather than guilt tripping you.

[TheWitTank]

Sounds time to back off, you are far too involved. Rearrange the school drop offs/pick ups.

[YouTheCat]

Tell the mum she'll have to make other arrangements as you can't look after her kids everyday as you have other commitments and that you will be doing the school run yourself at times suitable for you and your kids. Yes, it will be inconvenient for you to do both runs now but you might find someone else to share with in the future anyway.

I'd not engage with the father at all because he is an utter twat, by the sounds of it.

That poor woman needs to kick his arse out anyway. He isn't doing anything for his family and the kids don't even like him. But that is for her to sort out.

[4posterbed]

I also find the whole thing quite unbelievable. I am glad I texted him though and told him what I thought. He is not violent from what I can tell as the dc would have said (they are cheery, doing v well at school, secondary school age) but they did say he was strange and 'not a role model'

[QuintessentialShadows]

I think you need to stop this arrangement now and tell her that from now on you will take responsibility for your child, and she and her husband would take responsibility for theirs. After all, they stand to lose more than you as they also get childcare.

[IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKaleesi]

I don't think you should get involved

You should decide exactly what you are happy to do and then offer to do that. Don't help out more than you want toor are able to but do whatever help you offer with good grace

What her DH does or doesn't do is not your problem, it doesn't mean you have to pick up the slack

[Wibblypiglikesbananas]

Just stop the lift shares. Simple.

[ZenNudist]

I don't understand why you'd want to text him and get do involved. I also don't understand why when they started to mess you about you didn't just say straight away that it wasn't on. If they have marital problems that's no one else's business and if they can't stick to the pick up Xbox drop off times as planned without fair warning and asking nicely for any changes as a one off then its not working for you and its time for a change. If possible find someone else to share school runs with.

I'd not get so hung up on what's going on in their relationship as there's always two sides to the story. I'd just focus on the fact that two people, one of whom is supposed to be a friend, are messing you about. Make your own plans from now on.