On the verge of kicking her out eldest DD16

(632 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Pisssssedofff Wed 22-Jun-16 09:30:23

She hits her siblings and really hurts them aged 12 and 6. My son when he was interviewed by the court over custody thing drew my eldest dd in the sad house.
I kind of feel these incidents are happening more frequently with exam pressure. I'm on my own with 4 of them. In a three Bed house. It's pretty much like living in a pressure cooker

Letmehaveausername Wed 22-Jun-16 10:00:37

Does she have somewhere else to live if you ask her to leave or would she be on the streets?

Do you live with her other parent/do they have contact with the children? If you don't and they do then it's acceptable to ask the other parent to take her in.

However the real question is, do you discipline her for hitting the other children (without resorting to violence and shouting yourself)? Does she understand that at her age it can be called assault and she can be charged for it? (NOT saying that you should get police involved obviously but perhaps an explanation that hitting people in the adult world is not acceptable, no matter what age the other person is and what they've done to wind her up, and she can be charged for it. It could be the wake up call she needs.

If it's affecting your children to the point where they're telling the court how they feel you need to take action. Throwing her out isn't the way to go unless you sit her down, tell her why she's going to live somewhere else (and have somewhere safe in place for her to stay before you have this conversation) and let her know she's welcome to visit when she likes on the provision that she does not lift a hand to her siblings. If she does she won't be allowed to visit while they're at home, or you'll have to meet her somewhere on neutral territory.

Good luck

Letmehaveausername Wed 22-Jun-16 10:01:08

Sorry just realised you'd said you live alone with the four of them. Other family might be willing to provide somewhere for her to stay?

Pisssssedofff Wed 22-Jun-16 10:37:13

We have nobody which is part of the problem my ex isn't her father and frankly hates her. I feel like I should give the other kids to him to be honest and sort her out but that will ruin my life basically and she's so horrible to everyone I'm reluctant to do that

juneau Wed 22-Jun-16 10:43:20

Why is she hitting her siblings? Why does your ex hate her? What is going on with her - has she always been angry and are you worried about her behaviour in general? If so, have you sought help for this from your GP? What's your relationship like with her?

Exam pressure I can understand, but this is clearly a much bigger issue than just that. Is her dad in the picture at all? Is your cramped housing impacting on the relationships between your DC? What are her post-16 plans?

Pisssssedofff Wed 22-Jun-16 10:46:27

She wants to go to university, my ex isn't her dad, her biological father has nothing to do with her, nobodies fault just one of those things, he lives in Sydney. But he could text, email etc but doesn't

Pisssssedofff Wed 22-Jun-16 10:47:40

Ex hates her because she treats everyone like shite tbh, she's an incredibly smart young lady, but filthy in her personal hygiene and bedroom no matter what you say or do.

Pisssssedofff Wed 22-Jun-16 10:48:26

She's split my 12 year olds lip this morning that's how bad it is and frankly I nearly killed her for it

juneau Wed 22-Jun-16 10:53:36

I think you need help OP. Have you spoken to your GP about this? GPs are the gatekeepers for all other services, so they're the starting point. If you can't cope with her behaviour and are on the verge of throwing her out I really think its time you reached out.

Pisssssedofff Wed 22-Jun-16 10:57:06

I know you're right in many ways, but my experience previously is that "reaching out" makes it worse.

Pisssssedofff Wed 22-Jun-16 10:58:34

I don't know who to give her to, I really don't. I won't have any interference with the other kids they are fine, it is her. Which I know is awful hence thinking the younger ones should go to their dads and I keep her but she won't be grateful or helpful and I'll loose my other kids

LizKeen Wed 22-Jun-16 11:00:48

I nearly killed her for it

What did that involve/look like?

Ex hates her

How did that manifest itself in day to day life?

I think you need to look at the actual reasons for her behaviour, and do something to help her. She is a child. She has a father who has nothing to do with her, an ex step dad who "hates" her and a mother who wants to kick her out.

Is it any wonder she is the way she is?

Pisssssedofff Wed 22-Jun-16 11:03:23

All of the above to be honest is because of her behaviour she isn't the way she is because of me and my ex, her father can't really be blamed either, it's been that way since she was born she's never known any different

Pisssssedofff Wed 22-Jun-16 11:03:54

Help her ? Change her personality you mean, how do I do that exactly ?

juneau Wed 22-Jun-16 11:08:53

Her behaviour is not normal OP. You know that. 'Help' can come in many forms, but you clearly can't help her. You're too close to the situation and too angry, but if she is to function like a normal, happy human being she needs help from people experienced in dealing with adolescent medical/mental health. She has no father figure in her life, you're busy with four DC, she's 16, which is a hard age for many people, but particularly for teens from fractured homes (I speak from experience here). Please don't just kick her out. You're her DM and you're responsible for her until she's at least 18. Her behaviour is horrible, but you can't just wash your hands of her.

Pisssssedofff Wed 22-Jun-16 11:11:58

I can tbh.
My 12 year old needs to come home from school now because her jaw hurts where it turns out 16 year old kicked her. Fucking kicked her in the jaw. This is crazy

Pisssssedofff Wed 22-Jun-16 11:14:20

I'm honestly tempted to go to the police myself, how fucking dare she

LizKeen Wed 22-Jun-16 11:17:54

What did Nearly Killing Her look like OP?

You need to take responsibility. You cannot put this all on her. You are the parent and somewhere along the way you have just checked out and decided to blame her entirely.

Who said change her personality? hmm Even the fact that that is where your brain went to is ringing alarm bells for me.

Would life be easier if she just changed? If she just sucked up whatever is hurting her and making her act out? Yeah, it would be easier for you. You are a parent. Sometimes its not easy. She is still a child and she needs help to figure this out, to feel better.

The answer is NOT kicking her out. Go to your GP. Get referrals. Talk to her school. Do something. Don't write her off.

BombadierFritz Wed 22-Jun-16 11:18:47

Have you ever asked for help over her behaviour before? You really need outside help with this and with her and for her and the rest of the family. As an example, my dsis was like this but later diagnosed with aspergers. If it had been diagnosed earlier there are so many interventions and strategies that could have helped. Aspergers has nothing to do with 'bad parenting' which might be your fear? Thats just one example not a suggestion she shows signs of asd. Seek help. Speak to gp and school urgently flowers

hesterton Wed 22-Jun-16 11:19:37

If your younger children are safe with their dad, could you consider keeping just her with you and really seeking support for you both? It sounds like she needs a strong message that she is important to you as she is clearly not important to anyone else in her life.

Even for a month or two?

Pisssssedofff Wed 22-Jun-16 11:21:16

She's not important to me tbh, I want her to just tuck off and never see her again that is the honest truth, my marriage broke down partly because her. I honestly don't know what to do with her

juneau Wed 22-Jun-16 11:21:17

later diagnosed with aspergers

Yes, this occurred to me too.

juneau Wed 22-Jun-16 11:24:25

She's not important to me tbh, I want her to just tuck off and never see her again

Wow! Okay OP that is a really shitty thing to say about your DD. I realise she's extremely challenging and violent, but her behaviour is not normal. There is clearly something else going on with her (mental health, ASD, something). The fact that her behaviour contributed to the breakdown of your relationship is a huge red flag that she needs some specific help. Please OP, ring your GP right now and make an appointment to speak to someone urgently.

As for the safety of your younger DC - I agree that they'd be better off with their DF - at least temporarily.

Pisssssedofff Wed 22-Jun-16 11:25:04

What are the symptoms of aspergers please ?

Pisssssedofff Wed 22-Jun-16 11:26:10

My 12 year was sat on the toilet and got kicked in the face by a 5'9" 11 stone person. Imagine that was your boyfriend, husband would you stand for that ? I wouldn't

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