meeting my partners son but his ex has to be tgere

[chubbylover78]

After years of wanting to meet my partners son and his ex refusing we've finally set a date but his ex has to be there and it's at her house (it was my partners too before he left her) it makes me feel like I'm going for a interrogation and she will also more than likely have family or friends there too.
My partner thinks it's best for his son so he doesn't feel uncomfortable but it's only going to make it uncomfortable for all of us. She's still bitter that my partners moved on and im not a zoo animal to be stared at our a criminal to be questioned.
I want to go as I don't want to let my partner down but I don't think meeting his ex on her terms on her turf is the right thing.
Any advice would be helpful.

[Viviennemary]

That sounds awful. Especially if she has her friends and family there. Just about bearable if it's just the four of you. But not acceptable otherwise. I'd refuse to go under those circumstances. It's controlling.

[purpleroses]

Could you make it really brief? Ie say hello and a few introductions before your DP takes his DS away with him, or just out to the park for half an hour (with you too obviously). Make it clear you're not going there for a job interview.

Sounds potentially awkward for everyone otherwise.

[WakeyCakey45]

I want to go as I don't want to let my partner down

Why would you be letting your partner down if you decide not to obey his ex?

There are plenty of other options, you don't have to do this.

I'm worried that you are putting yourself through this for the wrong reasons. You've said yourself, it won't help your DPs DS - so why do it?

[WaitingForMe]

She doesn't need to give permission. It's up to your DP who his son meets while he's in his care.

No chance in hell would I go along with this. It's one thing that your DP allows her to dictate to him but quite another for you to join in with her ridiculousness.

He doesn't need your support. He needs to stand up to her.

[chubbylover78]

It's taken over 6 years for her to agree to meeting him and just don't want it to be uncomfortable as I'm nervous as it is. I've seen her at my DPs nans funeral which was awkward as she knew all the family etc but she just looked at me and walked away. I've told my DP of she starts asking personal questions then I will walk out.

[Viviennemary]

I don't understand this at all. How can she have this much of a say after all this time. I think he should get advice from a solictor. It's up to you of course what you do. But I wouldn't get involved in this charade of meeting at her house with her friends and family present.

[AcrossthePond55]

I'm going to pass over the issue of DP's Ex being having so much control over the situation since you aren't asking about that. I assume there must be some reason or other.

As far as the current situation, the important thing is that this will (hopefully) allow you to begin to establish a relationship with DP's son. I think I'd consider that 'worth it' if it were me. If she can be trusted not to try and sabotage the evening, I think I'd grin and bear it. I'm with you at letting DP know that if things get 'uncomfortable' you will leave. Not 'walk out', but politely say "Oh dear, look at the time! I must be going!". Don't give her any ammo.

[chubbylover78]

She has control over the situation because she lives 150 miles away and if we turned up without telling her I would be there, she would refuse my DP access and it would be a wasted journey and a disappointment to my DPs son. She is within her rights to refuse access and unless we go to court there's nothing much we can do. Court wouldn't be the answer as we're not looking for regular access etc as we're struggling to afford visits as they are (every few months) and he will never be allowed overnight access anyway.

[purpleroses]

Depends what you want then really. If you don't want regular access and instead want to be allowed in on visits in her home, which is presumably what your DP has at present, then sounds like you need to bite the bullet and smile pleasantly and give her nothing to dislike about you, go with your DP as suggested.

But plenty people do live 150 miles from their DC and see them regularly, they take them out for the day, take them off for the weekend somewhere local to their main home, and have them to stay for a week or more at a time in the holidays. I know someone who does this from 400 miles away (a cheap flight away) and it works. Your DP could get this kind of contact court ordered if he wanted.

[purpleroses]

needaholiday - she's within her rights (legally) if the OP's DP can't be bothered to go to court to challenge her on it. And if he only wants to have contact in his ex's home, then she's within her rights to stipulate who comes into her own home isn't she? Sounds like he's not really wanting anything more than visiting DS in the home with his DM, which does kind of give the ex the rights over when and how these visits take place.

[chubbylover78]

My DP wants to see his son and be able to pick him up but he's only allowed to either stay at his ex's house, take him to the cinema or Park. He can see his son when he wants and if his son isn't doing anything but it's not very often because of the cost.

[lunar1]

Does he not want to go to court for proper access?

[purpleroses]

Is it his ex who prevents him having him come to stay?

Or is it simply not feasible because of the costs?

If it's his ex, he could go to court to get it changed. If it's the costs and/or he only really wants to see him for a few hours at a time, then you might as well go along and grit your teeth and meet the ex. Technically he might be able to get court ordered contact for a few hours every few months (which he could include you in, once outside of his ex's house, whether she likes it or not) but it wouldn't be at times that suit him. And it might be a lot more stress and hassle (and cost) to obtain that than simply to put up with meeting her for half an hour or so. Get your DP to say you'd like to have a chance to take him out once you've all had a polite cup of tea or something

[HootOnTheBeach]

It all sounds wildly uncomfortable. I'm sorry, but why do you want to meet this child?

And what has stopped you all from meeting up for lunch one day when it's daddy's turn to have the boy? If it's been 6 years I find it astounding that you still haven't met him when your DP is looking after him.

[balia]

If there is a backstory here that explains why your DP wouldn't get overnight access through the courts then I imagine the ex has good reason to supervise the contact.

[chubbylover78]

Everyone is asuming that there is a reason for supervision etc, there isn't. My DP tells his ex when he is going to visit his son, it's then down to his ex to say if they are going to be in etc. She does put kids parties for her son first however so my DP will just go the following weekend. My DPs ex is still bitter and quite frankly jealous that he's moved on wroth his life after they split. When he was living near his son he had access every Tuesday and Thursday night to put him to bed etc and every other saturday. After a few months she stopped the weekday evening contact saying it wasn't quality time. (All arrangements were made through a solicitor) when my partner moved in with me it became impossible to carry on seeing his son every other month because of the cost so now is every few months and he calls him every Sunday. Overnight contact was suggested a few years ago but I don't think it's appropriate seeing as though my DPs son has never met me and he would be 150 miles away from home, this is something for the future. My DPs ex has always made excuses in the past when we've asked for me to meet his son (too young, wouldn't understand etc) which is her decision but we know from her actions in the past that if i turned up without her knowing or my DP collecting his son and bringing him to meet me she would refuse him to see his son and it would only cause more arguments and upset and then lead to court which we can't afford nor would it make the situation any better.

[roughtyping]

Sorry, I think I'm missing a bit - why did he move 150 miles away?

[Delphiniumsblue]

It would be a red flag situation for me with DP - the situation has been going in too long and needs sorting. I certainly wouldn't go- there is absolutely no need to meet him with her there.

[chubbylover78]

Roughtyping He moved 150miles away to live with me.

[OhMyArsingGodInABox]

So he's never arranged proper contact, he's moved 150 miles away from his child and only sees him once every few months and you've decided (between you?) not to have him at yours overnight.

What a hideous situation. I'm going to assume he pays a decent amount of maintenance? You've had six years to save up for court by the way.

Poor child.