Finally confronted DH about the 'other woman'

[missmama]

I dont know where to start really. I think I have over reacted, but this has really upset and hurt me.

Its shitty crappy facebook.

DH has a friend who he has 'fallen in love' with. She lives on the other side of the world so their is no chance of them meeting so I do not have to worry about the physical side of things.
He spends all his time on the computer talking to her, discussing their feelings, writing her poetry.
They text each other all the time and send photos to each others phones.
He just doesnt have any time left for me. We have been together 22 years and have 3 DC's 12 9 and 16 months.
I have known about her for months but it has escalated since Christmas.
He sent her an expensive gold bracelet for valentines day, and then gave me an identical one for my birthday last month. He doesnt know I know about hers.

Because of the time difference they text a lot at night when he thinks I am asleep.
He lies in the bed next to me texting her and her texting back.
Saturday night I had had enough and half way through him doing this I got up out of bed and told him that I would sleep on the sofa as I was obviously in the way there.
He said he had no idea what I was talking about and as I went down the stairs I said that texting her from my bed was really not fair at all.
He stayed in bed for 10 mins and then came down and asked if I wanted a cup of tea!!!!!
I sent him back to bed and told him that I couldnt even look at him at the moment.
But after half an hour I went back up and woke him! to talk.
I asked him 2 questions and told him I didnt want him to answer them now but to think about it carefully.
I asked him to put himself in my position. How would he feel if it was me that was doing what he was doing. My words were, doing what you are doing or not doing, doing what I think you might be doing and then whatever it is that you are really doing.
I then asked him what it was that he wanted. What did he want to happen, what did he want me to do.
Then I left the room.

I slept on the sofa, he woke early but did not get up and facebooked with her for a while then got up about 11.
He came down and said sorry. But I dont know what for
We spoke later their were lots of tears on both sides and he asked me what I wanted. I said that I loved him very much and all I want is for him to be happy. Which is what I have been saying for months, but that I cannot carry on like this and he has to make a decision on what he wants. What I want is for him to love only me. He said that he didnt want to hurt me and that it had upset him thinking about the questions that I had asked, but he wasnt going to stop talking to this woman. But he would try harder to spend time and talk with me and the kids and try to be a nicer person.

So I am left in limbo. I dont want to leave him I do love him very much. Have I over reacted? is it just a fantasy for him?
I feel as though I am in the middle of throwing away my mariage for nothing.

[GypsyMoth]

you have no marriage though....he's made his choice,he wants you both.

have his cake and eat it

sorry,but i would be packing his bags for him!

[JamesAndTheGiantBanana]

Christ no you aren't overreacting! He doesn't need to have sex with her for this to be a true, hurtful emotional affair. You've tolerated months of his divided attention, let yourself be trodden on, lay in the bed next to him while he talks with her - how could you do that to yourself? He's eroding your self esteem so badly.

"he (said he) wasnt going to stop talking to this woman. But he would try harder to spend time and talk with me and the kids and try to be a nicer person"

What the fuck! That's appalling. Get angry, woman!

[TheSteelFairy2]

You are NOT throwing away your marriage HE is. He is not even bothering to try to hide it from you.

And I am sorry but he is not going to stop this.

I am not of the leave him immediately type but I think you have to tell him to leave, this is not going to stop by itself, he is too into it. I can understand that sometimes people look the other way to keep their marriage intact (I did it myself for years) but he is not even trying to keep this a private thing, he is rubbing your face in it. In the end that is what did it for me and my exh, I could have stayed together forever for sake of dc as long as he treated me with respect but he didn't and it was impossible to live with.

And if I may say so he is twunt! Really for you.

[TheSteelFairy2]

a twunt

[Lizzylou]

I honestly cannot believe that you have stood for this for so long.
You need to be giving him the ultimatum, either he stops all contact with this woman or he leaves.
He is being so disrespectful to you and your marriage by continuing this emotional affair.

[SheWillBeLoved]

Is it just a fantasy? No. It's a full blown emotional affair. Sending her expensive gifts? Talking to her when lying next to you in your marital bed? His bags would be packed by me too I'm afraid. Just how disrespectful can somebody get!

[coppertop]

He sends her expensive presents, texts her while in bed with you, tells you he has fallen in love with her, has no time for you and now you think you might be over-reacting???

I don't have the wise words that so many on here will have for you but will say that you're not the one throwing your marriage away. Your dh is.

[Aussieng]

You are underreacting. He is treating you apallingly, contemptuosly even.

Even if it is "just a fantasy" how are you not livid that a fantasy is more important to him and taking up more of his time and emotional energy than you?

[missmama]

Thank you.
I have tried to write this as unemotinally as possible. But I am in bits all the time.

I was really worried that nobody would answer this as it is so long and I have left loads of stuff out and just concentrated on what happened at the weekend

[SolidGoldBrass]

You can't make this man love you any longer, and trying to do so will only make you feel worse. It's not possible to 'save' a relationship that one partner wants to leave or at least radically change the terms of (what he appears to want is you to continue servicing him domestically while all his attention, kindness, charm etc is focussed on someone else: this is turning you into a servant and you shouldn't accept it). As others said, tell him he must either stop contacting this woman or move out - don't put yourself in the position of waiting passively for him to make a choice. Basically he has already chosen, and he has chosen her by the sound of it, so let him go and work on taking care of yourself and your DC..

[thatsnotmyfruitshoot]

Something very similar happened to a friend of mine. She was heavily pregnant at the time and the stress nearly sent her over the edge.

Fast forward a few years, she divorced him, has remarried a lovely man, and her ex is living alone, having moved in and out a succession of girlfriends. His OW came to nothing.

Please, please don't put up with it. I'd bring it to a head now and ask him to leave. Immediately. No matter what your feelings for him, he isn't returning them, and you deserve far better.

[thatsnotmyfruitshoot]

And over-reacting? My God, not at all. I put up with a lot from my XH but would never ever have allowed him to get away with such blatant disrespect. Have faith in your instincts!!

[JamesAndTheGiantBanana]

Smash up his phone and computer, see if that "helps" him "try" to spend less time with her. Disrespectful bastard.

You let it all out, love. You've had no support from him for ages, get some here.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

Oh dear. No, you haven't over-reacted. In fact, you have been under-reacting for far too long. The fact that you have been tacitly giving permission to a friendship that is such an enormous threat to your marriage and your personal happiness, means that it is difficult, but not impossible to take control of this situation.

But control it you must. You are probably on the floor at the moment in terms of your self-esteem and I imagine you feel broken in two .

Your unhappiness and torment should have been enough for your H to wake up and realise that this is a form of emotional abuse and he cannot go on hurting another human being in this way. Sadly, he is in too deep with this fantasy to behave like a decent human being. Your pain doesn't have the capacity to move him like it once did.

He will therefore not do the right thing - and therefore the only thing you can control is what you do now.

So you tell him that you will not stand by and let this happen. You will not be treated this cruelly for a moment longer. He should move out for a while and tell the wider world (colleagues, family) that he is putting a fantasy woman first and that this is why his marriage is in tatters.

If he has been keeping this relationship secret from that wider world, watch the fantasy come crashing down when colleagues and family tell him what a prick he is being. Watch how she heads for the hills when she realises he has made the ultimate sacrifice. This is a fantasy; nothing more and nothing less. But it is one that you have the power to end. Please take it and use it.

[missmama]

When I typed my answer just tier were only 2 messages. So thank you to everybody else.
I thought I was over reacting because their is no way they will meet up and it is not an affair if their is no sex involved.
I had not even heard of the term emotional affair before I started on here

[AndieWalsh]

What a dreadful situation for you . There is nothing you can do to save your marriage unless your husband cuts all contact with this woman and puts his heart and soul into repairing the damage and re-building your trust. If he isn't willing to do that, your marriage is clearly over.

What I cannot understand is why on earth he is willing to throw away what he has - a 22 yr marriage and three young children - for a fantasy with a woman on the other side of the world. He must be absolutely mad, possibly clinically depressed, definitely an absolute idiot.

I really do feel terribly sad for you and would like to hug you if this was RL and not MN.

[LoveBeingAHungParliament]

You have not over reacted but under reacted IMO. Have you seen any of the messages? How do you know about the bracelet?

Personally I would be telling him he gad to make a choice. I know it sounds easy for me to say, but what is the alternative?

[LoveBeingAHungParliament]

Cross posted with whenwilli

[Hullygully]

kill him

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

We are all so horrified at what you have been enduring, this is going to be a fast-moving thread no doubt. What do you feel you can do - and how can we give you strength to put an end to this?

[LoveBeingAHungParliament]

Or buy him a plane ticket

[EricNorthmansmistress]

It's an affair. My friend's ExP did this to her. She lived in Brazil. So does he now. You cannot tolerate this. Woman up and tell him to pack his bags. He is cheating on you, stomping all over your love and treating you like shit.
This behaviour from my DH, if he didn't knock it on the head and give me every single password he has, would mean the end. It's possible to forgive an affair with time and commitment from both sides but it's not possible to live with an affair which is what he is asking you to do.

[notanotherstatistic]

My DW had a "conventional" affair, but I have to say that it wasn't the fact that they had sex that was the most hurtful thing. It was the fact that she was so emotionlly involved with the OM and not me. She said that she was in love with him. Much easier to have dealt with if it was just a sexual fling.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

Can I suggest you read Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass? This wonderful book will explain to you very clearly that people who are not "friends of the marriage" should not be friends at all. It's an abject lesson to everyone who thinks they have to be "cool" about friendships that cause them discomfort and a bad feeling. However, this is probably the most extreme example I have ever come across - how could this friendship not threaten?

[missmama]

It is so nice that you are all on my side.
Thank you.
You might change your minds though when I tell you that I know most of this because I hacked his facebook account and bugged my computer.

I quite like Hullygullys solution

But had seriously thought of buying him the plane ticket and texting her to tell her to sort out the visa's and make sure she has enough room for when the boys visit their Daddy