"Be a good wife"... be a good DH and F off!

[Just1945]

Sorry, fuming.

As a back story, married 15 years and 2 DC, early 40s and both professional and difficult careers. DH works standard 40 hours but often chooses to work late for various bullshit reasons and has an hour drive home so gets home lateish. I work a shorter 30 hours because I have no choice - have to do breakfasting, school drop off and pick ups. This means realistically that he is always the higher earner.

Because he is said higher earner, it is therefore my duty to "be a good wife", which I am reminded of constantly with that very phrase. I am expected to pick up after him, cook his dinner every day and wash his clothes and care for his children, as when he gets home they are basically almost in bed. Likewise he is too late home from work for after school activities and plays golf on the weekend so all that is my responsibility. Every football game, every netball game, every training session (3 days every week) and weekend matches are all down to me. When I ask when this is going to even out he tells me to "be a good wife" and dutifully complete his mundane tasks for him like I am his secretary and to shut up and get on. Apparently my time is worth less because I earn less. Well, not much choice because God forbid he take his share of caring for the children. I am of course reminded that should he be home early he could risk losing his job and various similar shit excuses (all non-legitimate, he is quite senior in his role and can find time for golf during the working day!)

He doesn't make me feel attractive and sleeping with him is a task. I just want to be left alone to sleep because I am exhausted. I am literally his second mother.

Anybody else have to put up with fucking man child please feel free to join in the rant! I find it so demeaning and that phrase just sets me off.

[SlinkyVagabond]

I find a kick to the cock focuses the mind wonderfully in this situation.
You know what's coming now op. And I agree.

[EnglishGirlApproximately]

He's not a man child he's a sexist nob. Seriously, he does it because he thinks he's better than you. I won't say LTB because I know life isn't that black and white but he clearly doesn't respect you and your contribution.

[Just1945]

I don't want to touch that even with my shoe

[WellErrr]

How many of these pricks ARE there in the world!?

If you leave him OP, not only will you get maintenance and some child free time every other weekend, but you'll also never have to slave around after him again

[Dozer]

No brainer. LTB.

[Just1945]

I have considered that, but our DC are still young (4 and 7). He is good with the children but I suppose he would be as he is one himself! but he makes it clear it's the wife's job to do anything vaguely useful with them. I didn't realise he was such a sexist pig until we had children.

[inabizzlefam]

You can always spot a complete wanker....he plays golf!!!
Had one of them, got rid, feel so much happier knowing he has to do his own cooking, cleaning, laundry.

[WellErrr]

You don't have to do it all just because he says, you know.

[Thattimeofyearagain]

How is he good with the children when he hardly sees them

[Dozer]

Do you really want your DC (girls or boys) to see the model that the man and woman both work and the woman (to be "a good wife") does all the domestic work and childcare in addition? That dad thinks he's better and more important than mum, and gets far more leisure time?

He can still be a good father living elsewhere and covering actual parenting stuff.

[Just1945]

I do have to though because I actually can't stand the pouting and attitude when I don't that and I would like my home to be reasonably tidy and my DC to go to school and their activities so that has to be done with or without his input. I mainly do as he asks to avoid the almighty dogshit attitude if I don't

[Dozer]

And how come you've put up with this bullshit for 7 YEARS?

At the very least stop all cooking, washing and admin for him. Just deal with your stuff and DCs' stuff.

[inabizzlefam]

Yes DC are still young.....so get out now before they reach the age where they start to think that your marriage is normal and men earn the money and play golf and women do all the shit stuff.

[Dozer]

Sulks when you don't conform? He sounds better and better.

If you're already doing all the work and both ends of the day every day you could very easily do it as a single parent.

[Just1945]

He is good with them in the way that he is very inclusive and is happy spending time with them when he is actually home. Which is in one sense good because they love his company but in other ways bad because I am bored and isolated.

[Dozer]

It's easy to spend time with the DC when someone else is doing most of the parenting stuff for you. Eg getting them to and from school, cooking, organising activities. But it's shitty parenting. Lord of the Manor.

It undermines your relationship with the DC, since you are attending to the dull (but necessary) stuff so have little time to do nice things with them.

[BreakfastAtSquiffanys]

Bend all his golf clubs. Not so that he will notice, just a wee bit will bugger his game up nicely.

[JacketPoTayTo]

He treats you like this because you allow him to. Sorry, but that's the truth. I understand that you don't like dealing with his sulks or whatever but if you don't stand up to him and take some control back then this is going to be your life forever.

[Just1945]

I know he's a top drawer twat. The issue is that we have been together since I was 17, and I wouldn't know where to start. We had a good relationship before we had children, we shared a lot of interests which then became irrelevant as he saw fit really. It's exacerbated by the fact that I used to have a lot of friends and now I don't have that many close really, and those I do he says are better than me. Ie "Susan's house is always immaculate and she has FOUR children so why are you home all day and the house is a mess" when I've been working for 7 hours then to descent into child chaos when they get home

I know. Twat.

[SapphireSeptember]

checks date Yup, it's still 2016, feel like I'm in a time warp. I'm sorry your husband is such an arse. If you like I'll come round and give him a kicking for you?

On a serious note, the 'I earn more so I'm more important' crap really gets my goat. You could be working 30 hours and be earning more than him, but I bet he'd still expect you to do everything for him even then.

[Just1945]

He does earn more than me salary wise, because he has never had a career break and has been able to get to the top of his career. I haven't been able to work consistently for over 10 years because a. He wanted to work in stupid fucking countries because he's greedy and selfish and b. The DC (which I don't resent, but obviously it would have been nice to have had support).

[Just1945]

Sorry, I'm really annoyed this evening. My brother text me to ask if I was ok because he had seen my diary on the kitchen counter, DH had written me a list of things to do (bear in mind it's Saturday so he is off playing golf while I take children to sports) and he had written "be a good wife Justine" at the top. It's not been a good day

[MarkRuffaloCrumble]

You quite obviously have very little affection for each other. Sounds awful for you and for your DCs. Don't think they won't notice this lack of love and respect as they grow up.

Plenty of us have LTB for so many reasons. Yours is as good as any - your H is a selfish sexist arsehat and you don't want to go anywhere near his nethers even with your shoe! Honestly, do your entire family a favour and either stand up to his bullshit or fuck him off.

[SpaceDinosaur]

"Oh darling, I'm not trying to be a good wife, I'm trying to be a good parent. I know you can't manage to achieve more than one thing a day and you find your job so taxing that you can't possibly manage to function as an adult outside of it but please do stop your 'good wife' bullshit as to be quite frank, it's offensive to the hundreds of thousands of men out there who manage to hold down a career, parent their children and look after their homes"

"DH, what am I getting from this relationship other than a third child in you? I don't think you appreciate how vilely unattractive your desperate need to be mothered is. I could be more affective without having to care for you."

"What to you contribute to our home other than money because there's more to a marriage than money and I am beginning to resent your holier than thou approach to our relationship..."

[Elizabethreallyismissing]

FGS! This has made me so angry & sad! I think if my husband told me to be a good wife I would implode with anger!
How on earth can you bear to have sex with him!
Why don't you go and see a solicitor, find out what you would be entitled to if you divorced! Knowledge is power! Start to detach, build a life for yourself! Honestly this isn't right!