Don't think I can do this anymore. Think I need to go NC.

[AbsolutelyKnackered]

In a nutshell I was sexually abused by a sibling from the age of about 8/9 for a couple of years. Sibling was 2.5 years older. Sometimes a cousin was also involved, he was 4 years older (than me). Parents never found out.

I was also borderline abused by a music teacher when I was 10. I quit lessons but never told my parents why. He ended up going to jail for a string of sex attacks on pupils and it was then, after CID seized his 20 year old diaries and contacted my parents (I was then an adult) that I told them.

I have never had a good relationship with my parents, particularly with my mum. Apart from all of the above we are very different and I don't like her very much. She is quite passive aggressive. My father is quite aggressive (not physically but is very tightly wound). However, I have always kept her in my life out of a feeling of obligation etc (yes, am aware of the FOG!).

My own DCs are now the same ages that my brother and I were when things started and I feel like I'm going through PST. I just keep thinking WTF on a constant loop.

I find I am surly with my mum and I know it upsets her but I just cannot bring myself to be any other way. They don't know what I have been through and I cannot tell them. So I am the black sheep and the one who causes problems because I cannot bring myself to play happily families any more - I did that for 20+ years. I am distant and that's the way I want to keep it.

I remember at around age 9 I had really bad IBS and this was investigated at the hospital. I also remember being taken to the doc as I was so skinny. I have only made these links today. I am constantly looking at my own children and thinking HOW COULD YOU NOT THINK SOMETHING WAS WRONG.

I have seen a counsellor about all this. I told DH a few years ago. I told my BF a year ago. It felt good to get it off my chest. I just feel that right now, I cannot have my parents in my life. It's stopping me sleeping and I'm having nightmares. Yet still I cannot tell them why I am distant and angry with them. But I am angry. They did not keep me safe. And I've had to play happy families ever since. And I have. But I don't feel I want to do it anymore.

It's okay to go NC right? Without being able to give them a reason why (to protect them, oh the irony). What happened to me wasn't normal, was it? (I of course also have to live with the extreme shame).

Sorry for the ramble.

Sorry *PTS.

Firstly, listen. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Anything that happened to you wasn't your fault. It shouldn't have happened, you should have been protected and you weren't. People around you, including your parents, let you down, very badly. You have every right to feel angry, upset, incredulous, but please don't feel shame.

It is absolutely right to go NC with the people who did so little to help and protect you. You can look back on that little girl, say "I can see your pain" and do everything you can to heal her. She deserves that and you owe your parents nothing.

I have been where you are. It is awful, but it will get better. You are on the right road.

You've just made me cry (in a good way).

This is the really hard bit - coming to terms not only with the abuse but the ways in which the people who should have loved and cared for you failed to protect you.

What was your parents' reaction when you told them about the abuse after the diaries were seized?

It is more than ok to go no contact if that is what you want to do. This link may also be helpful to you re going no contact :-

www.lightshouse.org/how-to-go-no-contact.html#axzz3Rv4l5nGU

The shame is solely theirs to carry, you should have no shame. What happened to you was not your fault. Your sibling and cousin abused your trust in the worst ways possible and your parents, the very people who were supposed to protect you, also failed. They should have asked precisely why you stopped the music lessons, even if you had told your parents do you think they would have not believed you?. They certainly could not deny the words from the CID.

I note you have talked to a counsellor already but NAPAC may prove to be helpful to you as well now. [[http://napac.org.uk/]]

Try this link:-

napac.org.uk/

They were cross at the music teacher but there were no hugs or anything like that. They are quite emotionally constipated. I never remember them saying they loved me. My mum did once after a row. But in an angry way.

I feel very mean going NC without telling them why. They will be very hurt. But it's all coming back to me and I don't think I can have them in my life. But my mum's mum died when my mum was 22 and she always made it clear that you should stay close as a family etc. So now I'm thinking what if something happens to them.

Is there any possibility for you to go low-contact rather than no-contact? I'm very low-contact with my family but I live in a different country to them so that makes it much easier to do. If you feel they wouldn't give you space then no-contact might be the way to go.

"But my mum's mum died when my mum was 22 and she always made it clear that you should stay close as a family etc"

Well her actions since did not show you otherwise. Its all blatant hypocrisy, besides which family are not binding. You may well not feel much if anything at all when she passes.

My DH came from repressed and emotionally cold parents but fortunately for us he is the polar opposite of them.

My late FIL used to harp on about the importance of family and did not mean a single word of it. Infact he was quoted that "the fellowship is like a family and its good to have somewhere where I feel like I belong". He may as well have stuck two fingers up at us all. So do not worry yourself unduly about what will happen to them, what will be will be.

I am the polar opposite to my parents with everyone. Except them. They are quite demanding. Just the other day !y mum commented that we never all etc. There is lost of low level stuff too. Betrayed confidences which led !e to never confide which led her to moan they I never tell her anything. Iguess I have been trying to be low contact and that causes issues. Seeing them makes me feel crap though. They are so negative. And they still live in the house where it all happened.

Its her bday in a few days. If I don't call she'll go nuts. But I dont care enough to want to call. I feel like an awful person. Your posts are so helpful. Thank you.

Sorry. Never *call. Am on my phone.

It sounds like you are at the right point for NC. But you must work on detaching as much as you can (which is hard).

I know my parents bad mouth me all the time, even to my own sisters. And it does bother me, but I remind myself that they judge me to make themselves feel better, they know nothing about me. I am a good person and I don't deserve their criticism.

Perhaps a gradual phasing out would work for you Absolutely?
I'm not NC with my DM, but have lowered contact gradually, with the emphasis being on giving just enough so I don't feel bad. It is a massive guilt trip, whichever way you go (NC, LC or carry on as normal) but this is kind of working for me. NC with no notice would not give me the 'moral high ground' in my eyes, which I know is ridiculous.
You have every right to be furious with your DP by the way. In your situation I'd be tempted to tell them the truth, dump it at their door where it belongs and then ask them to leave you alone while you work through things. ??????

That's kind of how I feel *fuzzy. But low contact isn't enough for them and therefore makes me feel shitty anyway. I feel like screaming at them "what do you want from me".

I have lived with this for over 35 years. I thought I had it dealt with.

Would sending a bday card but not calling be okay?

I would not even bother with a birthday card, no contact if you have reached that point is indeed that. No communication of any sort.

It definately sounds as though you are fairly close to going NC but are still undecided - not surprisingly, it is a huge decision and you have a lot of upset to deal with already. I would probably send your mum a birthday card but not phone her, that way you have done something, and do not have to cope with the nuclear fallout of ignoring her birthday altogether.

I would also strongly recommend popping over to the stately homes thread. It provided me with invaluable advice and emotional support when i was considering going NC with my mum, and for the first few months of NC. If nothing else, it may help you get things straight in your own head.

I have been NC with mum for almost two years now, and only send cards to my dad on birthdays and fathers day (mainly for my siblings sake). My life is very much better for it, but it is a huge decision and you should not feel rushed. Do what's right for you! Are you still in contact with your brother? If so, might be a good first step to go NC with him

Thank you everyone. I was until 3 years ago. We moved further away so I've only seen him twice in that time. We had a big row a year ago. I sent his wife's bday card a day late and he got on my case about it. Since then I've avoided him although it's his bday today and I sent a card. Mainly out of obligation and to keep my mum happy. My mum finds it hard that we are not close and applies pressure for us to be. In the last year I have been negative about !y brother to her and it doesn't go down well.

I think they have always tried to control me. Control my feelings and thoughts. I rebel against that and they then see me as the bad guy.

Along with all this I have for years mourned the family I dont have. But my mum says "you only have one mum/family".

I try to see it from their side. They dont know what has gone on. And my brother too was a child right?

It's likely your brother was himself abused by someone, which he then acted out with you. Whether or which it shouldn't have happened and you are under no obligation to ever see or talk to him again.

I try to see it from their side. They dont know what has gone on. And my brother too was a child right?

Seeing it from their side might help you in a way and no they probably didn't. And he was a child.

But that doesn't make it okay, it doesn't make your emotions any easier to handle and it absolutely does not impose a duty to be close to them. You can't force closeness and you can't force warmth.

It's OK to do what you need to do for yourself to look after yourself.

Have you considered counselling? it's not for everyone but actually, for you I wonder if it could help in going LC or no contact, whichever you prefer. A guide or someone to hold your hand through it might be a good idea.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that I think it would be unfair to go NC without telling them why.

You've had an awful time and no wonder you've had PTSD now that your children are the same age.

Is there any way your husband could talk to your parents about it?

imperial I think it would cause huge huge damage to them and to my brother and his family. I wouldn't even know where to begin. I understand what you say and sort of agree which is why I am struggling. I also wonder if we could "get it all out in the open" we could all move on. And it may also help them to see why I'm so distant and a disappointment in their eyes.

But the reality of telling them such a HUGE secret is incomprehensible to me. I think I would bitterly regret it. My mum is 70 and whilst outwardly in good health she is very overweight and unfit and I would worry that such a shocking disclosure would bring on a heart attack! They are very old fashioned. When I was with a bf for 2 years aged 18 I told DM I was going on the pill. She didn't speak to me for a month, even though we lived under the same roof then :-(

Just another thought. I got quite badly beaten up by a BF before I met DH, about 20 years ago. He tried to strangle me down a dark deserted track on xmas eve. He also smashed my car headlights up with one of those mega heavy torches. I turned up at my parents' mid evening all battered and in shock etc. My dad's first reaction (that went on for some time) was that I had disturbed the peace at their house. There was no real support for me. I just don't think they would take this news at all well. I feel paralysed.

Oh dear God, Absolutely. You have more than enough grounds to go NC with them. Your father's reaction was horrendous.

And if you tell your family about the sexual abuse by your brother - which he is perfectly aware of - you will just kick a hornets' nest and bring on more trouble for yourself.

It sounds as if having no further contact with them would be best for your mental health, to be honest. And I would recommend talking these things through with a therapist. It's a huge relief.

Thank you distance. I know that my dad's reaction partly because he didn't know how to help emotionally etc. It made him very angry but his anger was directed at me which was bloody awful at the time :-(

They sound very damaged.
Both your father's reaction to you being beaten up and your mother's reaction to you going on the pill.

You can't fix them, you didn't cause it.

I personally would probably send your Mother a b'day card (mainly because you just have to your brother), and then NC from then on.

If you can do get some therapy, to help you deal with your feelings - yes you were massively let down by them, but now you want to do better from your own DC.