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Should I end it?

(221 Posts)
CandyJournal Mon 27-Jan-14 19:20:03

I am a married parent of 3 although I have always felt like a single parent, me and DH have been married for a number of years, he lives with us and works long hours 9-7 Mon-Sat he does not do anything to contribute to our family, all I ask for him is to take our youngest son to school a few days a week as he is already tucked up in bed asleep by the time he gets home from work, he always makes out as if me asking him to do this is way too much.

He has been unfaithful in the past when me and him were going through a rough patch, but we managed to work together and get through it.

The intimacy between me and him is just not there anymore and it hasn't been for three months, every night I am going to bed alone whilst he stays downstairs watching television. On Thursday we were both in the kitchen he went upstairs leaving his phone it flashed.

I regret doing this but I went over to it and picked it up there was a text from a ladies name reading "Thanks for today Xx" his phone has a privacy pin on it so I couldn't unlock it to see if there was any text history between him and this lady, I haven't confronted him about it because it will only push him away, if he doesn't want to tell me something he wont, this is all eating me up inside, he is a very smug and cocky man and on a few occasions I have attacked him.

The text message could by all means be innocent. But there is something in my head that is telling me that something is going on.

What would you do? And thanks for reading smile

SoleSource Mon 27-Jan-14 19:58:50

Confront him about the text. What is the use of torturing yourself any longer and you relationship seems dead anyway.

Others shall be along soon to give you more advice. You sound unhappy and worried x

CandyJournal Mon 27-Jan-14 20:03:24

SoleSource - Thanks for replying, if I do confront him it will only lead to more problems, bearing in mind this happened on Thursday which he will make sound like two years ago. You're right I am unhappy and worried my youngest can sense it.

SoleSource Mon 27-Jan-14 20:06:00

Candy what do you mean he will make it sound like two years ago? What kind of problems.... you mean he might leave you or become very nasty?

Uptheanty Mon 27-Jan-14 20:07:19

The dc can always sense it no matter how hard we try to protect them.

You seem a text on your dh's phone and you're afraid to confront him because of how he'll react? confused

He doesn't listen to you & minimises your concerns?

Why are you with him?

CandyJournal Mon 27-Jan-14 20:18:36

SoleSource - Meaning he will make Thursday seem like a long while ago it when it was only 4 days ago. It will cause numerous of problems, he will probably go "missing" for a few days.

Uptheanty - Yes I am afraid of how he will react as I find it extremely difficult to control my temper when it comes to him. I made a promise when posting this that I would be honest with you all and answer any questions that you ask, and not hide anything.

He rarely listens to me, and he doesn't care about my concerns. I am with him because I love him for giving me my 3 children. I think he has got the impression that as long as he goes to work and provides for me and the children he can do nothing wrong, he should be home any minute now.

Uptheanty Mon 27-Jan-14 20:33:51

You can still love him for sharing your 3 children & not live with him.

You deserve better thanks

HellonHeels Mon 27-Jan-14 20:37:54

What do you mean by on occasion you have attacked him? Do you mean physically attacked him?

EllaFitzgerald Mon 27-Jan-14 20:41:56

I think if you've got to the stage where the trust has completely gone and you're attacking him then the relationship is dead in the water.

There is absolutely no excuse whatsoever for physical violence against your partner, irrespective of how smug or cocky they are. I have every sympathy for you that he's treated you badly, but I hope to God your children weren't in the house when you were fighting with him.

CandyJournal Mon 27-Jan-14 20:44:43

Uptheanty - If I ask him to leave he will laugh and probably say 'you go' there is no way I can get him out of the house unless I go.

HellonHeels - Yes PHYSICALLY, he brings out the worst in me.

Uptheanty Mon 27-Jan-14 20:48:35

You cannot live like this.
Your stress levels will escalate and by the time you finally have to say something the result will be inevitable sad

If he won't talk to you - can you find someone who can? Do you have anyone in RL who will provide you with support?

CandyJournal Mon 27-Jan-14 20:50:15

EllaFitzgerald - Yes I know there is no excuse, I have never done it when the children have been present, my daughter once asked him about the scratches on his face and he told her the truth, I am ashamed of myself that I can't keep my temper with him and I have attended counselling sessions, but they haven't seemed to work.

CandyJournal Mon 27-Jan-14 20:53:48

Uptheanty - I do speak to my two close friends about what is happening, they say that I am lucky that he hasn't called the police on me or hit me back, and that me and him need to talk more which is practically impossible, he is home now.

Uptheanty Mon 27-Jan-14 20:55:31

Can you leave & take your children?

CandyJournal Mon 27-Jan-14 20:58:16

Uptheanty - I have no where to take them, my youngest suffers from Aspergers and it would be wrong to take him out of his home environment.

Only1scoop Mon 27-Jan-14 21:04:00

Candy, I know how it feels when you avoid asking questions because you are just going to go pop. It's awful.hmm
Sounds like an horrible situation you are in, and the phone stuff sounds very suspicious. You shouldn't have to be with someone who is capable of 'disappearing' for a few days if they feel under scrutiny.

CandyJournal Mon 27-Jan-14 21:07:58

Only1scoop - Thanks for understanding, it is very suspicious I keep thinking what could they have done that she would take time out to text him that, she could have thanked him in person. Him disappearing for days is a way of him punishing me.

ScottishPies Mon 27-Jan-14 21:24:35

If he won't go - how about you leaving for a few days to get your head straight?

I know this may seem like a mad suggestion as it means walking away from the dc for a few days and the thought of that may feel so wrong - but your head is all over the place and you so need just a little bit of space.

think about it before dismissing out of hand.

If there isn't a friend you can go to what about a Travel Lodge.

You so need a bit of me time.

Look, this marriage is not only dead but poisonous. IT needs to be ended as soon as possible. Find yourself a solicitor and work out what your financial position will be and whether it would be better for you to leave the house or force its sale. Get all the information before you do anything like leaving the house without your children; this may be a bad idea in legal terms.
When you have made plans, then tell your H the marriage is over and what the next steps are. But try really, really hard to control yourself: if you attack him physically again this could be used against you over issues like custody of the children and which of you has to leave the family home: if he decides to call the police and your violence gets put on record, you will be in a lot of trouble. Violence is never justified, even when your partner has had sex with other people.

CandyJournal Mon 27-Jan-14 21:49:55

ScottishPies - If I was to go I would have to leave the children behind which I couldn't do due to my youngest son it would take me days to prepare him for the change.

SolidGoldBrass - The apartment we lived in before was in my name so whenever we were going through problems I could just tell him to get out, the house we live in how is bought and it is his name, so I can't make him leave a place that he owns. I would never stop him for seeing the children because if I did he would go for full custody of them just to spite me, and as you've said he would bring up the violence in court.

I know violence is never justified and as I've previously said I am ashamed, and how do you control your temper when you find antibiotics to treat an STI which several pills missing in your husbands glove compartment in his car?

It is fine if he wants to go out there and have sex with other woman which he is probably doing, but why is he still choosing to come back after work?

CandyJournal Mon 27-Jan-14 22:40:44

I confronted him, he has now gone out.

Only1scoop Mon 27-Jan-14 22:47:36

Hope you managed to keep calm....I know how hard it is.

How are you, CJ?

CandyJournal Mon 27-Jan-14 23:04:57

Only1scoop - I was polite, I said that I had seen the text on his phone, I know that I should have approached the situation then and there, I asked him who the text was from and that I apologise if it is completely innocent but I need something that would put my mind at rest. His response was 'If you have your doubts walk away' then he stroked my chin. It is things like this that anger me, I kept my cool I can't live with him anymore.

My youngest son can sense that something is wrong, he cried all the way to school this morning because he didn't want to leave me.

CheapSkate - I am not too good, thanks for asking. How are you?

shey02 Mon 27-Jan-14 23:12:44

Candy, I feel so sad for you. I feel for you with your issues re your temper which you acknowledge, but really this man is manipulating and playing with you. When is enough enough........? And what he just said to you and how he said it and touched you makes my skin crawl. This is toxic, if you can recognise that, realise that you want your life back, you've gotta start making some calm decisions. Hugs.

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