Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Don't understand what this means, is it a brush off?

(185 Posts)
peppasnemesis Wed 20-Mar-13 17:07:40

Sorry, it's really not an important issue, but I've been chatting to this guy (we work at the same company, but he's in a different dep't to me with different shifts, so we only see each other occasionally).

We've recently started talking on a social networking site, but he has a partner that lives in the US (long term relationship).He was upfront about saying that he thought I was attractive or whatever, liked talking to me but he has a partner, said this at the very beginning so I knew where I stood.

I'm now going to be leaving the company and this man has said that if he was single, he would have at least liked to go for a drink with me but has said he's still happy to chat to me.

Now, as he was talking past tense, what does this mean? Is this his way of somehow dropping me? I never thought it could be anything more than just friends, but I'm now sure why he said the "if I was single" thing, it feels like a bit of a brush off somehow - like he thought I was coming on to him or something!

How do I talk to him now...it suddenly feels all awkward, lol.

ArteggsMonkey Sat 23-Mar-13 11:56:58

It doesn't matter what he wants, if YOU want someone to talk to, talk to us on here, talk to your other women friends on this social networking malarkey, text one of your women friends. You are an mner, I cannot believe you need 'bonding with women over inconsequential shit 101' here. Are you being honest when you say you are 'happily' single? Because I doubt you would spend so much time shooting the shit with blokes who drop these unsubtle hints if that were so. Busy yourself with women friends until you've got your head on straight.

peppasnemesis Sat 23-Mar-13 12:00:44

I don't want anyone to talk to in 'that' way.
Look, I was just trying to to assume that he was a sleaze like the rest of mankind, or the men in my part of the world, anyway.

But, I'll just cut him off and let him find another toy to play around with.

And yes...100% happily single; I've never been much into relationships and stuff anyway.

aufaniae Sat 23-Mar-13 12:10:55

"It's just because he kept saying he didn't know what he wanted"

This doesn't mean he doesn't know if he wants to be friends or not. It means he is trying to find a way to justify cheating on his partner IMO, and is testing the water with you. It's the star-crossed lovers stuff other posters have mentioned. He knows what he wants, he wants to sleep with you but there is the "complication" of him having a girlfriend (and no morals). He doesn't want to come out and say it as he risks you running a mile and having to admit to himself what an arsehole he is, IMO.

Why are you so hung up on him actually saying he wants to have sex with you? That isn't how it works in real life. He's inferred it several times, but you seem unable to read between the lines.

Forgive me for asking but do you often have problems with interpreting what people mean if they don't actually spell it out for you? Not just in romantic situations, but in life in general?

peppasnemesis Sat 23-Mar-13 12:16:08

Nope. I've got an autistic child but am not myself, if that's what you're hinting at.

I'm not hung up on him saying that, I'm just saying I didn't want to just go assuming he was just after sex in case I was wrong. That's all.

nkf Sat 23-Mar-13 14:01:10

Stop making or trying not to make assumptions about him. He is a colleague. A partnered up colleague. And you shouldn't be talking abour relationships with him. You shouldn't be texting him. I doubt that you are going to stop. And I suspect that this thread has fed your obsession.

Helltotheno Sat 23-Mar-13 15:32:00

Yes pure attention seeking... And the pretending you're all naive and inexperienced is a pita. Do grow up..

AndTheBandPlayedOn Sat 23-Mar-13 16:09:02

Hi Peppa, Another way to look at this dynamic ^could be^:
You posted that guy at work is related to the boss. This pops up a red flag for me. I'm sorry I think this way, but you may be a mark for down sizing.

Having an affair with a guy (who is off the market or not) is going to come across for him as "well, men have needs -look the other way" especially as he is related to the boss. But for you, it will come across as you skanky whore. (AND NO you do not sound like that type of person at all!) But the gossip mills at work can be ruthless.

All he has to do is make a claim of sexual harrassment against you, (and it might be hard for you to find a job after that, putting it mildly). This is why men don't say it in black and white terms, "Will you have sex with me/I want to have sex with you" because with a co-worker, it is sexual harrassment.

Your texts say you don't want to have sex with him, but you said "sex" first and that may work against you. You are already in an emotional affair with him...and sorry to say...actually doing the deed is almost irrelevant. You are in danger regarding office policies already.
You posted at some point that you were not going to be there much longer anyway-I didn't get the details on that; but presume as a single mom, your employment status is pretty important to you and you would need a good reference.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Sat 23-Mar-13 16:10:58

Here is another cliche for you: He is a smooth operator and is playing you like a grand piano. You tell him you don't fall for the crap your ex puts out but then turn around and take the crap off this guy. How ironic. Straight out of Austen, isn't it?

And here is a slap upside the head for you: Do not have him come to your doorstep! Oooooh, he's got to pee, he's got to peeee peeeee peeeeee SO BAD; aren't you going to let him in? And just so you know...letting him in "just to pee" is a no go: when he's in, he's in, and you invited him over.
So somehow he is on your doorstep:
Line him up on the walk and tell him you want to measure how far he can project his wee because that tells so much about "performance" and you can tell right now whether or not you are wasting your time on him. Bullshit the bullshitter. In the ensuing awkward moment, just say "Go away" and close the door on him. Damn his feelings, they are not genuine here, just an act.

By the way, I've been married for 23 years and dh has never worn a wedding ring.

peppasnemesis Sat 23-Mar-13 16:35:10

AndTheBandPlayedOn: Well the bit about downsizing etc., I appreciate your point but not an option. I've sort of tried to change my story slightly - really badly - in case somehow he spots this; but now I've detailed our texts it doesn't really matter! smile

I do like talking to him, whether about relationships/flirty stuff or just general; chat; but I suppose it's not worth effectively whoring myself out for - cos as you've all said; he'll be assuming now that he has a free pass into my knickers sad

MysteriousHamster Sat 23-Mar-13 17:59:32

Men and women can (sometimes) be friends, but in this instance, where he has told you he has a partner but he's waiting for whatever signals from you, it is inappropriate for you to take this further.

Yes obviously he's the bad guy as he's the one with a partner, but you are enabling this. He doesn't just want to be friends, just keep the talk to work and nothing more.

Or admit you'd like to sleep with him and for him to become your boyfriend, and one day you'll be the woman getting cheated on.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now