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Don't understand what this means, is it a brush off?

(185 Posts)
peppasnemesis Wed 20-Mar-13 17:07:40

Sorry, it's really not an important issue, but I've been chatting to this guy (we work at the same company, but he's in a different dep't to me with different shifts, so we only see each other occasionally).

We've recently started talking on a social networking site, but he has a partner that lives in the US (long term relationship).He was upfront about saying that he thought I was attractive or whatever, liked talking to me but he has a partner, said this at the very beginning so I knew where I stood.

I'm now going to be leaving the company and this man has said that if he was single, he would have at least liked to go for a drink with me but has said he's still happy to chat to me.

Now, as he was talking past tense, what does this mean? Is this his way of somehow dropping me? I never thought it could be anything more than just friends, but I'm now sure why he said the "if I was single" thing, it feels like a bit of a brush off somehow - like he thought I was coming on to him or something!

How do I talk to him now...it suddenly feels all awkward, lol.

peppasnemesis Wed 20-Mar-13 17:08:34

By the way his comment was out of the blue, I hadn't asked him out or anything, but had apologised if I'd made him feel awkward as I'd mentioned ome past history in our previous conversation, which was a bit...well makes people feel uncomfortable usually.

meditrina Wed 20-Mar-13 17:12:06

He's setting the new boundaries. You won't be seeing him at work, and he's making it clear he's not going to start seeing you away from work.

He wants to be a cyber equivalent of a pen pal, not a face to face friend.

musickeepsmesane Wed 20-Mar-13 17:12:16

sounds like he is looking for a bit on the side. Depends on how you feel about that.

peppasnemesis Wed 20-Mar-13 17:14:09

meditrina - that's what I meant by a brush off. So I was right then sad ah well.

So umm...should I just stop contacting him then? Because I'd rather have been a 'real life' friend than an online one.

Roseflowers Wed 20-Mar-13 17:17:08

I'd take it as it is to be honest. He finds you attractive and if he were single he would take you out, however he is not single and therefore nothing can/ should happen between you. He'd still like to chat to you as a friend, however I'd be careful if you are actually interested in this man as becoming attached to someone who has a girlfriend (even if they reciprocate your interest) is a one way ticket to a world of frustration and misery. In short, I'd be careful with this one.

sarahseashell Wed 20-Mar-13 18:20:08

Perhaps you could just keep in very casual friendly contact in the event that one day you might both happen to be single at the same time? that's what I'd take it to mean tbh

LeslieWink1e Wed 20-Mar-13 18:21:31

Tten years ago i would have spent hours analysing that (if i liked him like tha). now i would say "what are you saying to me! i dont know if ive cracked the code correctly".

Gingerandcocoa Wed 20-Mar-13 18:24:16

I actually think he is trying to see if you mind being the OW, without actually saying it...

Lavenderhoney Wed 20-Mar-13 18:30:02

I think he is being kind and saying he has a partner so he won't be taking it any further. " I would if I was single" means exactly that, but he's not so he is telling you it's not going to happen. Maybe he feels you would like more and he wants you to know its not a go.

Still happy to chat- yes, online by the sound of it! A rl pal is much more fun, you are rightsmile

peppasnemesis Wed 20-Mar-13 19:26:37

Thanks everyone. No I've never given him the impression I wanted more, because I don't, really. Not sure to be honest.

We've been talking again tonight (virtually again of course! *rolls eyes*) and he was very much "part of me really fancies you, the rest of me knows I shouldn't" and "I'm in uncharted territory with you, so we can either stop now or carry and and see where it takes us".

I'd like to have just been friends as we do get on, but if he's lining me up for something else then...well no. Not while he's taken, anyway.

How do I say that without being too obvious?

Gingerandcocoa Wed 20-Mar-13 19:31:14

I think you should break contact. He's obviously flirting and trying to make something happen with you. If you really think you can just stay friends, I would say:

"I'd prefer it if you didn't mention you fancying me anymore, as you have a partner and it's disrespectful to her and to me. If that's not possible, then it might be best if we stopped talking" - as a MINIMUM.

Please don't listen to his words!! What an idiot.

musickeepsmesane Wed 20-Mar-13 19:45:29

what Ginger said. God knows who else he is lining up online see what I did there

RoomForASmallOne Wed 20-Mar-13 19:45:59

Agree with Ginger

He sounds like a chancer who is trying his luck tbh.

You're best to cut him off OP

RoomForASmallOne Wed 20-Mar-13 19:46:57

And don't worry about being too obvious....he hasn't, has he??

peppasnemesis Wed 20-Mar-13 21:39:16

Very true...sigh.

Ok, shall say bye bye to the chamcer. Thanks all.

CognitiveOverload Wed 20-Mar-13 21:42:20

He has a partner...so unless you really like him...in which case say its a shame...otherwise move on...sounds like he's testing the water...

CognitiveOverload Wed 20-Mar-13 21:44:35

Tell him you don't seem men who have partners. If you want to see each other he needs to be single. Maybe he's not sure you kike him

EggyFucker Wed 20-Mar-13 21:45:20

He's trying to get in your knickers

But instead of being upfront he is playing games

Time to drop him, from a great height

BMW6 Wed 20-Mar-13 22:34:38

What Eggyfucker says

ClippedPhoenix Wed 20-Mar-13 22:38:26

I'd delete and block him.

He's getting his rocks off on you somehow isn't he.

Probably has an ego the size of king kongs head.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Wed 20-Mar-13 22:40:59

Good for you for seeing through it, Peppasnemesis. Cheers wine

AndTheBandPlayedOn Wed 20-Mar-13 22:50:37

Maybe the game is that he has a partner and is banking on appearing more attractive because of that fact (and he may not have a partner at all).

Perhaps he is supposing that he would cheat 'just for you'...like that is going to make you feel special and abandon your moral code too?

This dynamic is screaming manipulation, and that is pretty much the definition of seduction.

He's a twat. And boring. His poor girlfriend sad

Wonderland121 Thu 21-Mar-13 00:34:45

I agree with ginger & eggy.

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