Message deleted by Mumsnet.

DATR read this post the other day and had nothing helpful to add but followed out of sympathy and concern. So pleased to hear that you have found the courage to confront him and that your worst fears have not been realised. What a relief for you. I am so pleased he was adult about it and didn’t play the "I’m so offended you even thought that about me" card as some would have tried. Sounds lke you have had a positive resolution to it all.
Perhaps now you can plan a mini break or some adult time out for the pair of you to build a few bridges and get closer again. Even a romantic meal in with chil safely tucked up in bed can go a long way to getting firmly back on track. It is hard learning to trust again but you sound the kind of girl to work hard and make it happen xx

Then I truly hope that your suspicions have been allayed (although I'd still confirm with b-i-l when he returns!). To be honest, I would have reacted exactly the same as you did, perhaps not quite so rationally even! He has been stupid in not telling you what was going on with the computers, men are thoughtless like that. Hope you can rebuild the trust there. Good luck.

Thanks for your time Rhubarb.
No he hasn't cheated on me -it was my ex husband who did the deed. I did not give him a second chance I kicked him out and divorced him as quickly as I could, his feet did not touch the ground.

Just to clarify the photos of him were in a new folder with other assorted banners and graphics etc for webpage, the photos of the girls were in another folder with other assorted documents which were not dh's he told me to go through them which I did and I could see that they were not his.

Dh didn't treat me like I was being silly and paranoid at all- I asked him imagine the tables were turned and listed everything which has triggered my suspicion and he was horrified and said if it were him he would either have reacted the same or worse.

Well, yes and no really. It does all seem a bit bizarre and if you have trust issues already, then I'm not surprised that you want to question everything. I take it that he has cheated in the past? And he met you through the internet, so like you say, it does seem highly suspicious that you found his photos on there as well as photos of other girls. Yes he had a handy explanation ready, and it seems to work, just. But can you really place all your trust in this man? Are you 100% sure that he will not cheat on you again?

You don't sound very happy in this relationship and I fear more incidents like this one will happen in the future. You both need counselling. At best he is being inconsiderate towards your feelings (he should have told you what was happening with the pcs, especially since he knew about the pictures on there), at worst he has something to hide. You can't go through a relationship without trust, sooner or later it does break down. He has betrayed your trust before and now it really is up to him to earn your trust again. Is he willing to do this? Or is he making you out to be silly and suspicious? Please be careful, suspicious are rarely created out of thin air. I do hope he agrees to talk to someone with you.

Hi Rhubarb, yes similar almost identical laptops, the only difference when I compared them both was a different coloured enter key.

BIL gave dh the laptop when he was getting his new new one, the screen on our old one was cracked. Dh did do a transfer of data onto BIL's machine(but hasn't deleted some of his older folders -the ones I saw-as BIL has not backed them up yet) which is why I noticed some of the older photos too, but when dh showed me other files in there (connected with an ancient websitehe ran) they were all mixed up

He did say that it was stupid and quite lazy that the old pictures weren't deleted.(No shit-I'm not trying to make excuses for him in any way but this is dh all over, this is him when it comes to any kind of housekeeping)

I haven't spoken to my BIL he is on holiday ATM ( I do remember him dropping off a lap top ages ago and assumed it was for dh to fix) and yes I do have trust issues not just with dh but with neighbours/friends/relatives, I'm afraid I have been let down really badly in the past.
Hope that explains it all a bit better.

Sorry, just got to this. Couple of questions before you pull the thread, is that ok?

You say the pictures you found were explained because it was his brother's laptop? So does he have a similar laptop then? Because you presumed when you looked into the files that you were looking at your dh's laptop, so his brother's laptop must be pretty similar right?

Why did he have his brother's laptop?

Have you spoken to his brother?

Sorry if you don't want this to carry on, and I take it that other people are happy to accept his explanation too, but are you sure that you are 100% happy with it? Because just from reading in-between the lines I'm kinda getting vibes that say that you are not convinced but happy to accept it as the other alternative is too much to contemplate?

What do you honestly think? You must be a little suspicious otherwise you simply wouldn't question him, there is obviously a background here. Once the trust is gone then it's gone. You can accept this explanation, but I have a feeling that there will always be this niggly doubt at the back of your mind and it's this that will end your relationship. You do need honesty. Will you still go for therapy?

oh ok, twig (sorry, got my being told not to post hackles out completley inappropriately) and dazed, all's well that ends well then!

dazed - yes, it does sound feasible to me.
Glad you got it sorted - and it sounds as if it would be a good idea to go to some counselling - but because of HIS past behaviour as well as your 'baggage'.
Good lluck, and hope DS had a good b'day.

Phew!

Sorry to just vanish without a proper explanation have been a bit busy
I want to make it clear that by girls I mean young women not (girls, girls - god no!)

These folders and the photos were on my BIL's laptop which is similar(ish) to our old broken one (BIL is single and footloose BTW) AND the photos of my dh were not posted on a dating site (I had assumed as they were lovely flattering ones and cropped to show just the head and shoulders that they were being sent via e mail to other women or dating sites) The photos were used in a "who we are" capacity on the live website (which he showed me). The photos of dh were the most recent addition to the folder he showed me how to access the date on which files are modified and it all sounded very feasible.

When you say 'girls' do you mean women? I am concerned with the 'girls' bit are they young in your opinion? Don't suppose this helps much but I wondered.

but I didn't say don't post .. I just said what I thought which was trying to make someone feel uncomfortable about an explanation she has accepted (and that we were not to party to) is a little weird .. that is just IMHO

I so, so, detest being told not to post actually.

But Twig, is a public forum - if people don't want opinions, they shouldn't post. I don't think it's 'navel gazing' to comment on the outcome, quite frankly. You've gotta take the rough with the smooth if you post on mn imo.

I think she was saying the pictures were for some work thing, that didn't involve a dating site. Like pictures to go in a newsletter or website at work. And the pictures of ladies were on BIL's laptop.

I thought DATR said the photos were not for a dating site and that she'd been looking at the wrong laptop (it was her BIL's).

I agree with Twig.

I think that Dazed should E-mail MN Towers to have this thread pulled.

Sometimes things are best left well enough alone.

Totally agree twig, my e-mail to her was explaining a very similar situation I found myself in some time ago, didn't post on here because there is a lot of detail and I didn't want to go into it all.

Dazed if you want my e-mail just cat me and I shall whip it over to you asap, just to prove you are not alone in these kinds of situations.

I think you should maybe stop naval gazing and trying to get her worried now

she's happy with the explanation so that should be sufficient

lots of people added up 2 and 2 and got 54 last night

Dazed I just tried to cat you but obviously won't go through coz of name change, I wrote a really long but very interesting message to you and now feel really hard done by because it has all gone to waste.

Harhumph

hmmm. are you really happy with his explanation? he's working on a project requiring him to put his details on a dating site, really? hmmm.

so sorry to hear about this.

My pov is this. This sort of thing is obviously what he likes to do and I don't think there's a hope in hell he'll ever stop. You have to ask yourself can you really handle it? I couldn't but we're not talking about me - can you?

Can't imagine the turmoil you must be going through - I feel for you.

good

now who are you

Yes Twiglett I think it's a long time coming TBH.

Cod, be norty elsewhere you little minx!

do you think that would be helpful?

Is it what you would like to do?

(sounds an extremely positive step to me)

Message withdrawn

Thanks twiglett. He's suggested we both try going to some kind of joint therapy to discuss the past and including my baggage from my other relationship (where my xh cheated on me)

I am so very pleased there was a reasonable explanation for what you found.

Am glad you didn't go off all guns blazing too.

There is obviously still a trust issue and hurt left over from previous incident that you need to work out but I am so very very happy that it isn't the worst case scenario that everyone imagined.

Good luck in rebuilding your relationship .. whoever you are (am intrigued now)

Not arsey Cod, I just imagined you having a field day

Message withdrawn

Did you mean they weren't photos for a dating site? Are they being used for a team page on a website somewhere.

If the above isn't the case, I'm having a hard time understanding the direction this conversation is going!

Hi Dazedandtherest I am sorry you are suffering in this way

WHat does dh do for a job? I am trying to figure out why he would need to do all this for a project - ie posting pictures of himself on a website and having folders full of girls dressed skimpily - IT all sounds so weird

If it were me i wouldnt be happy with the fact that he doesnt tell you the whole truth - just bits of it when it suits him

I really know how you feel cos in some ways i have experienced what you are going through - ie DH doesnt always tell me the truth

oh, I do hope you feel ok now about all of this -I think there's lots of reason to believe your dh, for the time being at least.

However, I really do think he should have told you in advance that his project included lots of dating site activity, especially as he knows you are sensitive to this side of him. He has been really thoughless and do not feel embarrassed for questioning him - and if you feel uneasy later, do so again.

Hmm, I think on ICQ that people will, well, "proposition" you unsolicited, maybe. Not been on there, myself.

Funny, my DH suggested (to me) the pictures might be for something corporate (newsletter etc).

They we're photos for dating sites (it was my assumption)
he showed me exactly where the photos were used. He typed in the webaddress and showed me, all legit and connected with the project he is working on (I was mortified)

The last time wasn't MSN it was IQC?

Why did his laptop have photos of him for dating sites? Or am I missing something here?

(And is he still saying he wasn't up to anything on MSN the other time?)

Thanks so much Twig, you are a sweetie.
Did talk to him.
Laptop was his brother's, hence all sorts of weirdy files and me not being able to find my own pictures. he showed me ours which was in the study with a cracked screen.

Think it was a good thing we spoke about it though. It demonstrated to bot of us that I certainly have not gotten over the last thing.

Dazed... I hope you had an ok night and your brain has stopped whirring and whirling.

Seriously hope you have found a way to confront this situation. Or are feeling stronger.

Sorry to hear this dazed. I dont have any advice but hope it works out for you.

x

Horrible situation for you to be in, Dazed. I hope you can focus on your DS's b'day tomorrow. It sounds as if you are being clear in your head about what you will want - so maybe the enforced break before talking to him will give you time to crystalise in your head exactly how you are going to aproach him.
A horrible night for you. Really sorry.

Thanks for that.

So sorry to hear this, it sounds awful. I can totally understand why you are avoiding talking to him about it, it just seems easier to carry on doesn't it (comes from someone who knows that feeling of just carrying on).

But you do know that you need to talk to him. You need to be sure of what you want first though. If you want to keep him, you need to know what terms you can accept (the tory wife with pearls - whilst an easy option, you know would be soul destroying). And once you are really clear on that, then you need to make sure he knows your bottom line. I know how hard it is to seethe inside, thinking I am going to leave, it's over. But the only way to resolve it, and to save your marriage ultimately is together. He needs to understand that, and so do you. If it upsets you so much, then he has to stop, and you need to make that clear to him (not necessarily as a threat of leaving - which is what you might be scared of). Maybe you could talk about what you could do together that might give him that kick but without hurting you -e.g. reading porn mags, ads with other couples or something like that. If it truely is fantasy, then you could play that together.

Good luck chick, I hope it works out for you.

So sorry to read this dazed, am sure i would feel exactly as you are now if i were in your shoes. have no advice really, but wondered if you might be able to uninstall his window washers software (settings, control panel, etc).... would that help? get you some proof? or get him angry as to why it had suddenly disappeared so that you can have a conversation? or perhaps you just HAVE the conversation anyway.... i'm waffling, sorry, really hope you get things clear in your mind soon.....

definatly sounds like he is fantasising about meeting other women. Possibly preparing to meet other women. You say he works long hours - are you sure? Is it possible he could nip off telling you he's working, but actually be elsewhere?

I'm sorry, I hate to ask that, it's awful, but his actions sound so dodgy that I really think there is only one explanation, he is thinking of extra-curricular. It may be that he is stressed or conversely (sp) he is bored / in a rut (?) and fantasising about excitement, but this type of fantasy tends to get followed thru IME

Sorry you´re going through this. Agree about confronting him & talking things through otherwise you´ll torture yourself worrying about it all. Better to bite the bullet and deal with it now if you can. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Sorry, just falling to pieces here. I know I have to say something but not till tomorrow is over. I just don't wany a horrid atmosphere.

SN, thanks for your post. The words I mean. So daft but I think it's some kind of dialogue I mean. I'm so lost for words really, spoken ones.

If he's doing what you think he's doing, it's become his norm and he's lulled himself into a false sense of security, thinking you'll never find out about it.

A honeytrap is tempting, but so confrontational it may push him towards further denial which you would find more distressing and insulting. I think better to sit him down and say "We have to have this out and I will not drop it until we get to the bottom of it, there is a lot at stake". I would explain clearly how much it has hurt you and that you have visions of the family falling apart. I'm willing to bet that's not what he wants. It's apparently quite common in men with a young family to have a fantasy life/flirt with the idea of alternatives; that doesn't mean he's necessarily doing anything in RL and he may not even think it's all that bad, while realising that you would and so taking steps to hide it.

If it is what he wants though you need to find out. So sorry this is happening to you

DATR, talk to him.

honeytrap would only work if you know the sites he visits. I really would take a look at the profiles on the main sites, like yahoo dating, Match, midsummernight etc etc.

Dazed, I don't think further 'snooping' is going to help matters. So what if it gives you more proof/ammunition? It will torture you even more - the deed is done.

Please try to speak to him asap

I don't think I'd be able to do that Hunker, he logs out every time. Used to doing it with work like I am I guess.

Seriously considering honeytrap (am not kidding)

OMG, I spelt MSN wrong...

Yes, you'd have to access his account. You could do it deviously, I guess - can you invent an emergency at the end of the garden for when he's logged on?

I really wasn't trying to be flippant - just seemed such an unusual name and googled it to see if it bought up a UK dating site. Glad it made you laugh though

HM you need to access the person's account though? To change the settings I mean.

Galaxy. It's perverse really but I just found myself laughing out loud when I saw that.

Thanks (I don't know why, but thanks)

That's on MNS, btw.

Can you go to Tools >> Options >> Messages and click to save a copy of convos in a folder of your choosing? Then password-protect the folder (think this'll work) and leave it a week or so. He may see what you've done, but probably not till you've got some convos in the folder?

I want the truth. Then if I'm honest I don't think I could carry on. Once could be a mistake ans we all make them but to persist? No, I think that is so wrong.

I think I don't want to say anything, although I know I should because it's ds's birthday tomorrow.

I'm so sad about it all.

Irina is an unusual name. It's not this pic is it?

DATR - this is horrible. Really sorry.

Is there a reason why you can't say 'I found this today - We need to talk'?

What do you think you want? profesional help to sort this out between you and hopefully get him to understand what he is doing to you?
An apology and a sworn undertaking that he won't do it again?
To have time to think, and decide whether you want him or not?
To chuck him out?

I feel like one of those little mice in the experiments, hitting the dead end

FFF2
I don't know who he is talking/communicating with and all MSN web history is clear.
There are photos of Irina, Sophie, Nathalie, etc in the folder wearing stupid little clothes and posing in that horrid "vaseline around the lens make over session" kind of way.

DATR, do you have any access to his MSN?

Just read this all again (properly this time ) and I'm really, really sorry this is happening.

So has he added woman to his msn/yahoo messenger and been talking to them? Is it photos of said woman you have found on his PC?

If so, get up to where he is now..and tell him you found them, tell him he has the time it takes you to pack your case to explain to you what it was he was doing... This has made me rather sad. There is no trust left after this type of thing is there?

I really do feel for you, it must be hurting you bery much especially as you have already confronted him about this and he has still carried on.

You need to confront him & say you want the whole truth, tell him what you have found, he is a married man with a child & should not be betraying you like this, FFS men make me soooo angry.

DATR, I'm not trying to offend you. I don't think you are an idiot.

I do think your DH will try to talk his way out of any confrontation about this.

M21&B

No, not porn. I feel angry and quite tempted to post one of his little pictures on members profiles to show you all

Sorry, am v tired and I misunderstood.

Hold on i thought this was not "porn" he was looking at? I thought it was pics of women he has obviously been chatting too as you said you found "chat boxs" open on his laptop?

Is this right or have i misread?

Beansprout I couldn't really give a monkeys about porn. This is more personal to me than looking at fannies online.

NQC, I feel like you are talking to me like I am a simpering idiot.

Hmm, could be compulsive/addictive behaviour? Could be he's an evil manipulative b*stard. Or both.

I personally have no problem with porn, but lying about it and covering up is another matter....

Just to point out - if you're both ok with him doing this, then that's fine. It's the lying and so on that's not on.

I can see an argument that this is somewhat like porn. But it's not the same - he is interacting with other women, it isn't just him looking at pictures. And obviously DATR isn't mellow about this.

NQC forgot to answer you.

Yes he did tell me it was stuff he would never do to me. He was in tears and saying his family meant the world to him.

You have to not let him talk his way out of it. What would count as hard proof for him? You catching him actually shagging someone else? Or would he talk his way out of that, too?

Seriously, you knew the last time, what he was up to, and you let yourself be talked out of it - you probably weren't in the right place to deal with all this anyway, with a new baby.

But this time, you'll stand your ground, right?

I'm so sorry this is happening and can see how upsetting it is. Fact is though, that a lot of men use porn. A lot of women don't like it but they still carry on. The question is, what can you accept and what can't you? I would say to give yourself some time. Don't make any hasty decisions. Talk to him. Tell him how you feel. Both of you being furtive isn't going to resolve anything. I agree with Twiglett, the internet has just taken further what just used to be contained in magazines.

Good luck with it all, I know it must be very painful xx

Thanks edam.
I know it's awful I think. I want honesty. I think it would be easier if he admitted it.

Maybe he wants to be found out. Leaving his computer around and not shut down once is careless, twice could be deliberate.

Oh PC, your poor friend.

OMG Dazed this is really, really bad. The fact that he's doing this after convincing you to come back...

Do you want him to come clean? Could you deal with the answers? Is there any future for you after a betrayal like this? You have to decide what you want here before you confront him.

Tbh if I was in your shoes I'd throw him out. But I'm not, and it's easy for me to say when I'm a complete stranger reading about this scenario.

I really feel for you.

I think I do though NQC, because he talked his way out last time and I didn't have any proper proof just some photos which were explained and then the other stuff. I know what you are saying though.

I need to be able to say, right this is what I have found - explain it....

Sounds incredibly suss to me as well I'm afraid.
For starters I'd look at some dating sites and see if you can find his profile. But I'd probably use the a public computer like in the library. Just in case it is innocent and he then thinks you are looking at dating sites for your benefit!

I met my dh on a dating site too and I'd be mortified if I thought he still looked at them.

This (or similar) happened to a friend of mine. Her Dh now lives in Thailand with his 'Thai Wife' (they're not married, he won't sign the divorce papers over here). He WAS using prostitutes he found over the PC< she contracted chlamydia as a result. She now lives in poverty (he being in Thailand with his business money is out of reach of the CSA). Get legal advice and get out.

It sounds like compulsive behaviour, maybe?

Also, not to be obtuse, but did he know you disapproved of this sort of behaviour before the first time you caught him? You said he said "wasn't me, the dog did it". Did he also say, "I would never do that" or equivalent?

You need to have a big conversation about this, about what he's up to, what it means, how it makes you feel etc etc. You know he's doing it, you don't actually need hard proof.

I know HM.

I'm thinking now, he waited for the dust to settle and then installed it.

The fact he has installed software to wipe the history on the PC is ringing huge alarm bells with me.

He's up to something, you need to call him on it and you need to do it before he can delete things.

Sending much sympathy and strength - hope you get some clear answers from him. Stay as calm as you can - you'll benefit in the long run.

Hi.
Am back.
I am going to answer as much as I can. Dh is downstairs and could come up at any minute. You know what? I have spent some of today shedding tears and feeling totally abandoned and at other times just carrying on as if nothing has happened probably because I am busied looking after ds (could it be denial? Shit, am I going to end up like one of those stupid pearl wearing, smiling and nodding Tory wives you see on the news?)

WWW I don't know which website/s it could be. This would be what I would favour as there would just be no talking his way out of it. I just feel that I need to get something really concrete.

Aside from his very busy job he has also taken on another project (which is huge) and he has taken to working for sometimes 1 or 2 hours a night on it (although I am now wondering if it's 50/50 with him crusing too )

There is nothing really much to go on.

I have to agree with those of you that have said if he knows how much this upset me last time it is a. Foolish to carry on as he was bound to get caught and b.So totally hooked that it's more important to him than me or his ds.

Sweetheart, luck x.

Sounds like hes on chat rooms chatting to women and swapping photos!

When Is he doing this? is it from home?

Dazed, a bit of dutch courage wouldn't go amiss!

However, you do need to think about what you are going to ask him and what your response will be. I would phrase the question so that it has to be answered and keep it simple. eg, I have found xyz, what is going on? If he asks/accuses you of looking into private things,explain as rationally as you can how you came across them.

Please don't think your family will be ripped apart and *don't even think about leaving* until you have his side of the story

Oh dear. Agree with www- sounds really shit dazedandtherest. Poor poor you. Whatever his motives, he knows that this is something that upsets you profoundly. He should therefore have stopped after you confronted him last time. End of. Though where you go from here I don't know. Good luck.

To me this also seems sinister rather than harmless, for two reasons.

Firstly, it somehow seems more personal than porn. As others have said, it's of people he knows rather than "Cindi from Chippenham".

Secondly, he already knows how you feel about it and (depending on the dates of the photos your found) he may still be doing it regardless. All I can say is that, if I had done something that had made my husband and the father of my children take off his wedding ring and prepare to leave me, I wouldn't do it again unless (a) it was a reasonable thing to do, or (b) I didn't care whether he stayed with me or not

CAn you find out what sites he frequents and trap him? Horrid but if he's innocent then you won't find anything.

Twig, even if he isn't actually shagging other people, I wouldn't be happy with my dh sending his picture out/flirting/receiving other pictures from other women, would you? And I think being unfaithful counts as anything your partner wouldn't be happy about. It sounds like DATR's h knows she wouldn't like it, hence the washer software and hiding stuff. That's not good in a marriage imo. Poor you dazedandtherest.

dazed, he sounds like a compulsive flirt.
does he flirt with work colleagues, or is it all on the internet?
Do you think this is just a habit(like Bill Clinton), or is he working up to leaving?
either way, am terribly sorry, it is a horrid situation for you to be in.

Another one who thinks he's a liar here. I'm not sure I'd have believed him the first time tbh. EX COLLEAGUES?! I mean, ffs. In your position I'd get my proof, if only to satisfy myself I wasn't leaving over nothing, and then I'd probably leave.

i think you need to confront your dh,i cant think of any logical or reasonable explanation for the pics youve found apart from the obvious, im so very sorry.

I'm so sorry. It just sounds awful - the betrayal of your trust, mostly. You have to have it out with him but are you going to be able to believe anything he tells you? Or, come to that, trust him again? I really am sorry.

could you call his bluff and post a pic of yourslef on the site?

Got to do bedtime.

Will be back shortly.

Me too Flossam, me too.

god you poor thing

that sounds awful

no advice but sympathy x Enid

I am such a chicken I keep concocting these plans in my head of downloading and saving lots of randoms photos of guys onto my system so that he'll find them and ask me. How bonkers is that?

I'd go absolutely nuts. I can't think of anything constructive to say. I can't make up my mind if I would walk or not. So sorry you have to be going through this.

Yes Hunker my thoughts exactly. Look at me aren't I a catch type of photos.

All emoticonned out tonight.

To me, the fact they're "nice" pics would bother me more than porn, frankly. Would mean more emotion had been invested in getting the pics, possibly - and less raw "phwoar look at the arse on that" sentiment.

Twig I just wish I was doing the usual and posting silly replies to hilarious threads about small willies

Instead I am here.

Yes MTS.

I know Mercy. I'm just frightened of doing it(how and when) which has been a bit of an eye opener for me.

I didn't mean that to make you feel bad .. of course you are dazed and touchy .. anyone would be .. I was seriously asking if you wanted me to back off .. because it is so raw and sometimes you just want to sound off with people who totally agree rather than have know-it-alls like me bungling along trying to play devil advocate

seriously up to you .. you have my support however you prefer to chat tonight

oh sorry DATR, I misinterpreted "posing" as meaning they were posing in a erm porno sort of way. so the issue is more that you are worried he is meeting girls on the internet?

You must tell him what you found and ask him what's going on. Until you do this you are no further forward.

Oh god |I haven't made myself clear at all.
The pics have not been porn-ish not even soft ones but of other women.


And Twig I have valued your opinion for ages, just a bit touchy tonight.

Yes Kama, I know idiot or what?

Don't know his passwords etc. Also (and this makes me even more suspicious) about a month after the first incident he installed a window washer on his pc which deletes everything from the cache, including pages browsed, history etc.

I am not defending the man, I do not know him from Adam

if you would prefer me to just roundly condemn based on what little you have posted then I can do that easily in the spirit of sisterhood

but I am trying, possibly badly, to calm you down and let you see alternative possibilities here

happy to stop if you prefer

twiglett - the colleague photos seem to have been the ones in the past, not the current ones btw.

Yes, that's true, Twiglett - I read more into the OP than was there re the pics of himself.

I think it's the combination of pics of people he knows, the MSN windows and the porn that's making me suspicious though - if it was just porn, hey ho, everyone gets their rocks off in different ways.

They are very flattering photos of him/cropped to show only him (not pervy, nice pix)

um .. I think anyone confronted with a porn habit may try to strenuously deny it

.. I also think the internet has changed the nature of porn .. it is interactive now

I didn't realise it was pictures of colleagues .. that is surprising and would actually bother me

"He was devastated and swore on our baby's life that the conversations were not initiated by him but randomly posted by others."

I don't understand what he means by this by the way... he wasn't the one chatting? But they were in seperate windows?

Twig
Yes I am seething.
Think about it. This is the way he met me (although I never sent pictures of me in skimpy clothing)
I don't think I am over reacting it feels he's toying with the idea and getting off on it so what's the next step? Meeting/shagging these people? Marrying them in 5 years time too? Fathering their children?

You'd be thrilled if your dh was doing this would you?

<doubtful emoticon>

he might have posted them to a chat site (see member profiles)

he might have been playing around on a photo site trying to make cards / calendars / mugs or other such presents / gifts

he might have been messing around with photo manipulation programmes

there are a hundred reasonable explanations for having photos of yourself

Twiglett, he's accessing it after swearing that it wasn't him last time. Also, porn is anonymous and this isn't.

Do you have access to his msn? Is that how he was chatting to the women? If I had access I would change the setting to save all conversations automatically to another folder which he wouldn't check. I would probably try to talk to those women too.

What about his phone?

By the way, I hope I am not making you more or less suspicious - I am just suggesting what I would do to get some straight answers.

Twiglett - in the past some of the dodgy photos mentioned by the OP appeared to have been of his ex colleagues! and he seems to have been preparing dodgy photos of himself to send out! this sounds rather dodgier than the internet equivalent of looking at p3 girls to my mind.

dazedandtherest- can only echo Hunker. Try and get him to explain WTF is going on.

Are they "posing pouch" type pics or just ones of him cropped from family pics?

(aside: have just decided titillation is the most marvellously appropriate word)

Yes HM, that is what I thought.

It's pretty obvious that they are to send out(to me) to someone. What other explanation can he have for having duplicate pictures which are cropped and in a smaller size
????

I can't understand why you think its so bad

sorry I am not being deliberately obtuse

but its just like a magazine isn't it?

do you think there's a chance you are taking a little harmless titillation too much to heart .. are you so totally against porn that you do not see that someone you love may get pleasure from it innocently?

I agree with Twiglett about porn in general - but it's the fact he'd got pics of himself that would concern me, I think.

Kama I have checked e mail, nothing suss there at all. In RL he is very loving and affectionate to me and ds.

F**K

How on earth do I bring this up?

Twig the Cod and Custy references are because of how they usually deal with a a thread like this (it was meant to be tongue in cheek)

There is no way he is having an affair in RL, he wouldn't have time.

But I think what is happening with the photos is pretty bad all the same.

I am in two minds as to what to do. I was thinking about printing all of the pictures(there are about 6/7 women) and handing them to him and asking for an explanation. And indeed asking why the photos would still be there if he was so devastated from last time.

Is there anything about his actual behaviour in RL that makes you think he's having an affair

personally I can't help feeling that online is a place one is entitled to fantasise and play around in .. it is like interactive porn I suppose .. but I don't have a problem with porn

I just think to me it depends whether he has followed through or not into the real world or whehter to him its a little tittilation like with a jazz mag

I really think he may well have a different view to you about how serious an 'offence' this is .. and maybe that's justified

but maybe I'm speaking out of turn

all I know is until you can face him and talk to him about it rationally then you have no chance of getting through this .. and leaving him for a couple of internet postings when you are a family may be a step too far

(don't understand what cod and custy have to do with it either)

YOU have nothing to apologise for.

God, don't apologise. I'd have invented several new swear words which would've melted the paint off my front door in your shoes

But you do need to talk to him.

Am really sorry that you are going through this, it is in no way your fault just remember that.

You have to talk to him and soon. Good Luck.

Definately check his email.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Honestly, can't some men just grow up. Makes me so angry.

So sorry for you , but this is obviously an important part of his life.. do you want it in yours..is there a space for a man with this sort of habit in your ds's life? do you have a rl friend to talk to? Why not delete the whole lot for him?

the bit about 'randomly posted by others' conversations. yah, right! so random strangers hijacked his MSN/yahoo/IM whatever ID and had lewd conversations w/all and sundry??! and he didn't delete them, express shock or surprise?

If he is making you feel like you are losing your mind then he simply isn't worth it, sorry mate, i guess this isn't what you want to hear, but look what a state its got you in

sorry

oh fucking hell.

just echoing expat!

i think he is a liar too. can you check his email?

Agree with expatinscotland, sorry.

Surely he would have deleted all these files last time if it meant nothing to him.

You have to confront him about it.

Would you go to Relate or are you beyond that?

DTMFA.

Dump the mutha f*cka already.

Sorry, but he's a liar, liar, liar.

..it really is.
I'm sure Custy and Cod will rip pieces off me, I can just see it.

When ds was tiny (about 3 or 4 weeks) I was looking for photos of him on our PC and mistakingly looked in the wrong folder and found loads of pictures of posing girls with their names as the file names (the kind that you would email to someone if meeting up etc) I assumed that it was from my dh's past and didn't think too much of it (after all that is the way we met six years ago)

However about three or four days later I found his lap top downstairs which had not been shut down properly as totally by chance there were loads of chat windows open (private conversations) of a very lewd and sexual nature. I went loopy (blame the sleep deprivation and hormones) and without explanation hit the roof and left my wedding ring on the lap top with the windows still open and packed my bags to leave him. He was devastated and swore on our baby's life that the conversations were not initiated by him but randomly posted by others. When I tackled him about the other photos I had found (including two of his ex colleagues) He appeared to have full explanations for all of these. he sounded so entirely genuine that I was convinced. It took quite a while for me to be convinced though.

Ok well roll on a while and in a strange coincidence today I was searching for some photos to print out for relatives when I came across a strange folder containing not only more picture of girls posing in skimpy clothes (some dating back from last September) but also photos of him digital ones which look like ones he would send out.

I am at my wits end and so upset. All I keep thinking about is how my family is going to be ripped apart. I keep looking at my son and just assuming the worst but I'm just too scared to approach him. I really did feel like a stupid, paranoid insecure idiot last time but this time it's like all of those feeling I had were indeed correct and I'm left feeling numb and like it's the end of our relationship.

We went out today and it was so strange to try to act normal but I couldn't and I kept watching dh like a hawk every time a woman walked past.

I think I am going to lose my mind.