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..it really is.
I'm sure Custy and Cod will rip pieces off me, I can just see it.
When ds was tiny (about 3 or 4 weeks) I was looking for photos of him on our PC and mistakingly looked in the wrong folder and found loads of pictures of posing girls with their names as the file names (the kind that you would email to someone if meeting up etc) I assumed that it was from my dh's past and didn't think too much of it (after all that is the way we met six years ago)
However about three or four days later I found his lap top downstairs which had not been shut down properly as totally by chance there were loads of chat windows open (private conversations) of a very lewd and sexual nature. I went loopy (blame the sleep deprivation and hormones) and without explanation hit the roof and left my wedding ring on the lap top with the windows still open and packed my bags to leave him. He was devastated and swore on our baby's life that the conversations were not initiated by him but randomly posted by others. When I tackled him about the other photos I had found (including two of his ex colleagues) He appeared to have full explanations for all of these. he sounded so entirely genuine that I was convinced. It took quite a while for me to be convinced though.
Ok well roll on a while and in a strange coincidence today I was searching for some photos to print out for relatives when I came across a strange folder containing not only more picture of girls posing in skimpy clothes (some dating back from last September) but also photos of him digital ones which look like ones he would send out.
I am at my wits end and so upset. All I keep thinking about is how my family is going to be ripped apart. I keep looking at my son and just assuming the worst but I'm just too scared to approach him. I really did feel like a stupid, paranoid insecure idiot last time but this time it's like all of those feeling I had were indeed correct and I'm left feeling numb and like it's the end of our relationship.
We went out today and it was so strange to try to act normal but I couldn't and I kept watching dh like a hawk every time a woman walked past.
I think I am going to lose my mind.
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The hardest post I've ever written.. |
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DATR read this post the other day and had nothing helpful to add but followed out of sympathy and concern. So pleased to hear that you have found the courage to confront him and that your worst fears have not been realised. What a relief for you. I am so pleased he was adult about it and didn’t play the "I’m so offended you even thought that about me" card as some would have tried. Sounds lke you have had a positive resolution to it all.
Perhaps now you can plan a mini break or some adult time out for the pair of you to build a few bridges and get closer again. Even a romantic meal in with chil safely tucked up in bed can go a long way to getting firmly back on track. It is hard learning to trust again but you sound the kind of girl to work hard and make it happen xx
Perhaps now you can plan a mini break or some adult time out for the pair of you to build a few bridges and get closer again. Even a romantic meal in with chil safely tucked up in bed can go a long way to getting firmly back on track. It is hard learning to trust again but you sound the kind of girl to work hard and make it happen xx
Then I truly hope that your suspicions have been allayed (although I'd still confirm with b-i-l when he returns!). To be honest, I would have reacted exactly the same as you did, perhaps not quite so rationally even! He has been stupid in not telling you what was going on with the computers, men are thoughtless like that. Hope you can rebuild the trust there. Good luck.
Thanks for your time Rhubarb.
No he hasn't cheated on me -it was my ex husband who did the deed. I did not give him a second chance I kicked him out and divorced him as quickly as I could, his feet did not touch the ground.
Just to clarify the photos of him were in a new folder with other assorted banners and graphics etc for webpage, the photos of the girls were in another folder with other assorted documents which were not dh's he told me to go through them which I did and I could see that they were not his.
Dh didn't treat me like I was being silly and paranoid at all- I asked him imagine the tables were turned and listed everything which has triggered my suspicion and he was horrified and said if it were him he would either have reacted the same or worse.
No he hasn't cheated on me -it was my ex husband who did the deed. I did not give him a second chance I kicked him out and divorced him as quickly as I could, his feet did not touch the ground.
Just to clarify the photos of him were in a new folder with other assorted banners and graphics etc for webpage, the photos of the girls were in another folder with other assorted documents which were not dh's he told me to go through them which I did and I could see that they were not his.
Dh didn't treat me like I was being silly and paranoid at all- I asked him imagine the tables were turned and listed everything which has triggered my suspicion and he was horrified and said if it were him he would either have reacted the same or worse.
Well, yes and no really. It does all seem a bit bizarre and if you have trust issues already, then I'm not surprised that you want to question everything. I take it that he has cheated in the past? And he met you through the internet, so like you say, it does seem highly suspicious that you found his photos on there as well as photos of other girls. Yes he had a handy explanation ready, and it seems to work, just. But can you really place all your trust in this man? Are you 100% sure that he will not cheat on you again?
You don't sound very happy in this relationship and I fear more incidents like this one will happen in the future. You both need counselling. At best he is being inconsiderate towards your feelings (he should have told you what was happening with the pcs, especially since he knew about the pictures on there), at worst he has something to hide. You can't go through a relationship without trust, sooner or later it does break down. He has betrayed your trust before and now it really is up to him to earn your trust again. Is he willing to do this? Or is he making you out to be silly and suspicious? Please be careful, suspicious are rarely created out of thin air. I do hope he agrees to talk to someone with you.
You don't sound very happy in this relationship and I fear more incidents like this one will happen in the future. You both need counselling. At best he is being inconsiderate towards your feelings (he should have told you what was happening with the pcs, especially since he knew about the pictures on there), at worst he has something to hide. You can't go through a relationship without trust, sooner or later it does break down. He has betrayed your trust before and now it really is up to him to earn your trust again. Is he willing to do this? Or is he making you out to be silly and suspicious? Please be careful, suspicious are rarely created out of thin air. I do hope he agrees to talk to someone with you.
Hi Rhubarb, yes similar almost identical laptops, the only difference when I compared them both was a different coloured enter key.
BIL gave dh the laptop when he was getting his new new one, the screen on our old one was cracked. Dh did do a transfer of data onto BIL's machine(but hasn't deleted some of his older folders -the ones I saw-as BIL has not backed them up yet) which is why I noticed some of the older photos too, but when dh showed me other files in there (connected with an ancient websitehe ran) they were all mixed up
He did say that it was stupid and quite lazy that the old pictures weren't deleted.(No shit-I'm not trying to make excuses for him in any way but this is dh all over, this is him when it comes to any kind of housekeeping)
I haven't spoken to my BIL he is on holiday ATM ( I do remember him dropping off a lap top ages ago and assumed it was for dh to fix) and yes I do have trust issues not just with dh but with neighbours/friends/relatives, I'm afraid I have been let down really badly in the past.
Hope that explains it all a bit better.
BIL gave dh the laptop when he was getting his new new one, the screen on our old one was cracked. Dh did do a transfer of data onto BIL's machine(but hasn't deleted some of his older folders -the ones I saw-as BIL has not backed them up yet) which is why I noticed some of the older photos too, but when dh showed me other files in there (connected with an ancient websitehe ran) they were all mixed up
He did say that it was stupid and quite lazy that the old pictures weren't deleted.(No shit-I'm not trying to make excuses for him in any way but this is dh all over, this is him when it comes to any kind of housekeeping)
I haven't spoken to my BIL he is on holiday ATM ( I do remember him dropping off a lap top ages ago and assumed it was for dh to fix) and yes I do have trust issues not just with dh but with neighbours/friends/relatives, I'm afraid I have been let down really badly in the past.
Hope that explains it all a bit better.
Sorry, just got to this. Couple of questions before you pull the thread, is that ok?
You say the pictures you found were explained because it was his brother's laptop? So does he have a similar laptop then? Because you presumed when you looked into the files that you were looking at your dh's laptop, so his brother's laptop must be pretty similar right?
Why did he have his brother's laptop?
Have you spoken to his brother?
Sorry if you don't want this to carry on, and I take it that other people are happy to accept his explanation too, but are you sure that you are 100% happy with it? Because just from reading in-between the lines I'm kinda getting vibes that say that you are not convinced but happy to accept it as the other alternative is too much to contemplate?
What do you honestly think? You must be a little suspicious otherwise you simply wouldn't question him, there is obviously a background here. Once the trust is gone then it's gone. You can accept this explanation, but I have a feeling that there will always be this niggly doubt at the back of your mind and it's this that will end your relationship. You do need honesty. Will you still go for therapy?
You say the pictures you found were explained because it was his brother's laptop? So does he have a similar laptop then? Because you presumed when you looked into the files that you were looking at your dh's laptop, so his brother's laptop must be pretty similar right?
Why did he have his brother's laptop?
Have you spoken to his brother?
Sorry if you don't want this to carry on, and I take it that other people are happy to accept his explanation too, but are you sure that you are 100% happy with it? Because just from reading in-between the lines I'm kinda getting vibes that say that you are not convinced but happy to accept it as the other alternative is too much to contemplate?
What do you honestly think? You must be a little suspicious otherwise you simply wouldn't question him, there is obviously a background here. Once the trust is gone then it's gone. You can accept this explanation, but I have a feeling that there will always be this niggly doubt at the back of your mind and it's this that will end your relationship. You do need honesty. Will you still go for therapy?
oh ok, twig (sorry, got my being told not to post hackles out completley inappropriately) and dazed, all's well that ends well then!
dazed - yes, it does sound feasible to me.
Glad you got it sorted - and it sounds as if it would be a good idea to go to some counselling - but because of HIS past behaviour as well as your 'baggage'.
Good lluck, and hope DS had a good b'day.
Glad you got it sorted - and it sounds as if it would be a good idea to go to some counselling - but because of HIS past behaviour as well as your 'baggage'.
Good lluck, and hope DS had a good b'day.
Phew!
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