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Relationships

Newbie - desperate for impartial advice!

237 replies

Kimberjem · 16/04/2011 23:49

Hi, new poster here, have lurked for a while and could really do with some impartial advice. After a really rocky two year relationship we have come to a crunch point whether to really commit or to call it quits.
My partner is separated from his wife but not divorced, he insists that she will never consent to divorce so it is another two years minimum (they were separated 3 months when we got together). He has 3 children with her from 18 - 10. I have never met his children nor do they know I exist and from what I understand aside from when he first moved out there has been no conversation with the children about why their parents have split up nor any clarity about the future.
His wife knows about me but doesn't want my name mentioned around her and also pretends I don't exist. He has made it clear to me for the past two years that she would like to reconcile. We don't live together, he lives in a flat round the corner from the family home.
I am in my early 30's and he is in his early 40's and I have been clear frm the start of the relationship that I would like a long term committed relationship and ideally to have a child, he has said all along that he isn't sure either way so it's not a no or a yes.
By his own admission he was a pretty poor husband a father, he has a job that means he flies long haul every week and is really only around weekends. Since he and his wife split he is really trying to be a good father and is really improving his relationship with his children. I absolutely support him in that and never mind when he has to drop our plans because of something to do with the children.
Basically the current situation has become untenable due to lack of time and trying to keep all the facets of his life entirely separate.
So, finally, he is suggesting we move in together and says he will tell his children about me, get more involved in my life etc and that we should decide whether to make a proper go of things. That will also mean me accepting him going on holidays with his estranged wife and their children etc as he wants to be close friends with her. I find the holiday idea particularly uncomfortable, but guess it's ok if best for the children?
I love him very much, he is so intelligent and funny and I really enjoy his company, I also find him so attractive and our sex life is great. We get on very well, but I do find I get so angry and resentful at the fact our relationship has not moved on up to this point.
So, in summary, and thanks if you have got this far, should I just give up hope now that we will actually get to a proper committed relationship or give living together a go and see what happens?

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FabbyChic · 16/04/2011 23:55

Surely you would want the committed relationship before moving in together, why do you have to wait.

He wants to move in with you but doesn't know about your future or more children?

Yet you want children?

Surely you need to discuss things further before considering moving in together.

I fail to see why he would have to holiday with his ex, what about holidays with you together, will he be using up all his holiday time to spend with his ex, and not spend any with you so you have to go alone.

If you are going to be a committed couple why can you not take the children on holiday.

You have been with this man two years and he still doesn't know what he wants.

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MilkandWine · 17/04/2011 00:01

My personal opinion is that you are in your early 30s and want commitment and children. This man is not telling you that he will give you these things and seems perfectly happy to leave it all up in the air. This is totally unfair on you, what if you stay with this guy and in 4 years he decides he doesn't want more children etc? You will have wasted years of your life and be no futher forward.

This man sounds to me as if he is perfectly happy to just play it by ear and see what happens either way. Statements like 'I want to still go on holiday with my ex' would frankly have me running for the hills. Why does he need to go on holiday with his ex wife? There is no possible reason for this, it would not be for the childrens benefit, it would be for his. Does he seriously think that you are such a mug as that you would accept him going on holiday with a woman who has already told him she wants him back?

I would think long and hard before entangling yourself further with this man. Surely you deserve a man who can turn round and say 'Yes I love you and want my future to be with you' wholeheartedly? Sorry to be blunt but what this guy is offering just isin't enough. IMO if you go into things with a 'wait and see' approach, you usually end up with nothing that you wanted.

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Kimberjem · 17/04/2011 00:02

I feel we are pretty committed to each other and due to logistics e.g not enough room for both of us and all our stuff at either place it would mean finding somewhere which will take a few months. In which time I would expect that he would tell the children about me and then introduce me before we moved in together.
As for holidays, we have been on a few and him going away with his ex would not mean we didn't go on holiday too.
I feel like we talk and talk and talk and go round in circles!
Thank you for responding, I just feel very confused.

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Kimberjem · 17/04/2011 00:05

Thank you Milk and Wine, it's absolutely what I need to hear, it's hard for my RL friends to be so candid, and they like him but worry I am going to miss out on my chance to have a family if I stay with him.

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MilkandWine · 17/04/2011 00:09

I really don't want to sound harsh Kimberjem, I know how hard it is when you love someone. I just think any man who is telling a woman in her thirties that he isin't sure he wants children with her is a very unsure bet to say the least.
I will say again also that there is no reason for him to even consider going on holiday with his ex. She is his EX and he has no reason to want or need to go on holiday with her. Do not let him guilt trip you by using his children as an excuse. I would argue it would be more confusing for his children if they all went on hioliday togther than if they didn't. Talk about sending them mixed signals!

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boxingHelena · 17/04/2011 00:10

I do not see how holidays with his ex wife is for the benefit of the children especially at their age. I havent heard of it and hope some divorced parents can prove me wrong on here
How soon is he suggesting you moving together? Have you made definite plans?
Sorry OP I do not like the sound of things but I wish you all the best if you intend to see what turn this relationship takes

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Kimberjem · 17/04/2011 00:11

As I don't have children I can't work out if him going on holiday with them all is a good thing for them or not, is it better to have both their parents there or confusing? I really want to support him in doing what's best for his children even if it is uncomfortable for me.

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AyeRobot · 17/04/2011 00:11

I think you are not being told the whole story and neither is his family. Or if you are, it's a pretty poor reflection on him. He is being totally unfair to you all.

Why did you stay with him after telling him you wanted a committed relationship and his response was to sit on the fence? Or better still, why did you get involved with someone who is still married if you wanted a long term committed relationship and children? No judgement, just thinking about it on a practical level.

The two of you have got everything arse backwards. And you deserve better than to be treated like this.

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Diggs · 17/04/2011 00:11

In the uk you can apply for a divorce on the grounds of 2 years seperation , so if thats the case he can apply nowish. Either way ( i might be wrong ) but its my understanding that not many people actually oppose a divorce .Theres just no point .

Have you actually been to this flat of his ? Do you know that his wife knows about you or is this just what he says ? It doesnt sound to me like their relationship is over . He has been able to compartalize ( sp ) various aspects of his life and that would worry me . Do you know who ended the marriage , him or her ?

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Kimberjem · 17/04/2011 00:14

He is suggesting we move in together as soon as he finds a property to buy, as him and his ex are legally separated they have sorted out finances, she has the family home and he is buying a place of his own. He is actively house hunting and I have seen a few places with him, so he is suggesting I move in when he buys somewhere.

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Bit0fFunnyBunny · 17/04/2011 00:14

The holidays thing is a red flag to me. I have never heard of this before. My DP has a very civilised and cooperative relationship with his ex, but he would rather stick needles in his gonads than go on holiday with her.

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MilkandWine · 17/04/2011 00:15

Will it be somewhere he is buying himself or a place you are buying together?

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AyeRobot · 17/04/2011 00:17

Are you not in the UK?

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Kimberjem · 17/04/2011 00:19

Yes I go to his place regularly, although prefer mine! I thought if one person refuses to divorce it takes 5 years? I do believe she knows as we have talked about it quite in depth and yes he is very good at compartmentalising. I think I suffer from eternal-optimist-it is!
When I told him I wanted a committed relationship he was clear that he was offering that just that it would take time.

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Kimberjem · 17/04/2011 00:20

Yes am in the UK

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Kimberjem · 17/04/2011 00:21

And thank you all for your advice, particularly at this late time, makes such a difference as these questions keep going round in my head and I sometimes feel like I am going mad!

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AyeRobot · 17/04/2011 00:23

So they've supposedly sorted out the finance yet still not divorced? So, what's stopping them?

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Kimberjem · 17/04/2011 00:26

Yes finances are all sorted, apparently she will not divorce based on her beliefs and says he will have to divorce her after 5 years

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Kimberjem · 17/04/2011 00:26

I know finances are all sorted etc because I have seen solicitors paperwork

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SpringchickenGoldBrass · 17/04/2011 00:27

You feel commited to this relationship. He doesn't. Don't wear yourself out and waste a big chunk of your childbearing years trying to make this man love you. If you really want children, a pot of sperm off the internet and a turkey baster would be a far better option than a man who is rather enjoying having you running desperately round him trying to prove that you are the perfect partner.

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MilkandWine · 17/04/2011 00:30

That makes little sense tbh. Finances are sorted but she will not divorce him because of her 'beliefs'. What beliefs are these precisely? She clearly accepts things are over or she would not have sorted out their finances. Why on earth drag it out futher?

I think you need to speak to this woman tbh. In circumstances like this I would want to find out first hand that I wasen't been fed a pack of lies. It is too big a deal to purely take his word on.

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Bit0fFunnyBunny · 17/04/2011 00:31

I have to say that I tend to agree with SGB here. But don't despair and assume you are destined for the turkey-baster route! You are young and if you can make the break, I'm sure you can find somebody with a bit less, er, baggage than this guy, and you'll be glad you did.

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Kimberjem · 17/04/2011 00:31

Thank you, he did say to me today that 'every time he feels like he wants to commit fully to me I do something to put him off' which is basically because I get angry and hurt, which does make me feel like I have to jump through hoops, and I just can't, it affects my confidencel

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Diggs · 17/04/2011 00:31

Re holidays , i know of a seperated couple who still have family holidays , they also get together for birthdays ( including his and hers ), christmas and other occasions . In fact they see each other several times a week , mostly child focused but often spend weekends ect together .

The woman is a freind of mine , i know shes seeing someone casually , and its clear that over the years he too must have met people . She says they dont ask and they dont tell . They split several years ago in reaction to an affair . I think its quite obvious things arent quite over for either of them . They have yet to issue divorce proceedings too .

One of the horrible things about seperating / divorcing is losing family days out , holidays together , many divorcess really miss that . Its clear to me that although this couple are seperated , emotionally they are not quite done and i wouldnt be surprised if they got back together . People they have met have been kept away from their kids and mutual freinds and also have to be on their own while they all go out together with the family .

Until someone is divorced , they are still married , and it sounds like this guy is very much still married . Incidently my ex asked the other week if id like to go away with him and the kids this summer . Hes harmless enough , theres nothing in it , i think he would enjoy some adult company ( and someone to take the weight off ) and i too havent had a holiday in ages . Having said that i really couldnt stand the idea of spending a week with him , he would drive me mad , so it was a thanks , but no thanks.

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boxingHelena · 17/04/2011 00:31

Kim.... I feel as you would be better off with someone younger and without such a baggage Sad you sound lovely, positive...and a bit gullible sorry!

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