"We shouldn't tell new parents what life is like after the birth, it'll only scare them"...

[fillyjonk]

said a high-ranking NCT co-volunteer to me today

I think this is crappy on so many levels

If we can prepare women for the birth, an intense and highly subjective experience, then SURELY we can prepare them for life with a newborn. Breastfeeding classes (and I mean a proper in depth course, NOT a half hour slotted into the NCT classes, tricks for soothing a screaming baby, a proper discussion of depression/isolation etc etc after birth...NONE of these are really covered properly in NCT classes, let alone NHS classes.

Oh I dunno, what do you all think?

[FrannyandZooey]

I think it is patronising and divisive

ooh get me

[chevre]

scare them? how? personally nothing could have been scarier than the prospect of the birth.

i really wish someone had explained that i was going to be a nutter on day 3, instead of letting me go home with a catheter attached fully prepared to stab dh cos he couldn't work the car seat.

[NoodleStroodle]

Yeah and anyway as much as you get told it still smacks you between the eyes like a toddlers head on the bridge of your nose

[Nemo2007]

It is horrible, nobody told me at all what life would be like and from 3 days on I felt completely overwhelmed by the whole thing. There should be some proper classes to help provide some sanity.

[fillyjonk]

which, franny? me or her?

oh and add to the mix, coping with siblings. because NO ONE prepares you for that, really. people say vague things about "oh its VERY hard, harder than 0-1 etc".

[lulumama]

how ridicolous , patronising, and infantilising of parents

if i had know quite how hard it would be, and how isolating, and more importantly , how to combat those things, I might not have had such an awful time

be realistic and truthful, and don;t forget to tell all the wonderful, heart warming things too

[MrsBond]

NCT varies around the country. My anti natal NCT thing had a separate 3 hour breastfeeding workshop - it was brilliant and councilor totally inspiring.

Peoples experiences post birth are VERY VERY different - I think it's good to just let people discover for themselves. The only 'advice' I would ever give is to keep an open mind.....

[luciemule]

I think that's one of the main reason women suffer so frequently from PND.

Just because you're telling women about the realities of a newborn, doesn't mean to say you're telling it's all terrible and want to scare them - preparation means you can adjust your mind.

Even though I'd babysat weekly for babies and young children since the age of 14 and thought I'd be a great mother as I'd done all the practical stuff before, it just wasn't like that at all. If people had told me more about how hard it really was as a first time mother, I think I wouldn't have given myself such a hard time and would have managed to ask for more help.

[WigWamBam]

My NCT classes would have had us believe that childbirth was nirvana, and that mothers of newborns should be blissful in their peaceful homes, content and happy. It was taken as read that breastfeeding would be a doddle - everyone can do it, every baby latches on straightaway, everyone enjoys it. All our babies would be happy and contented, settled from the start, and we would beam beatifically at everyone else, who would be envious of our bliss.

I wish someone - anyone! - had told me that actually, the first few months were going to be hell on legs. Depression, breast-feeding problems, crying babies ... the NCT didn't seem to acknowledge that any of these things happen. And I really wish that they had.

[Booboobedoo]

To back this up, after using MN for over a year I was expecting it to be much harder than it actually is.

I think I have a relatively easy baby, but having my expectations managed has certainly made a difference to how well I've coped.

[suedonim]

NCT offers post-natal courses which cover those sort of subjects, Fillyjonk - I've done the course. I'm very surprised the volunteer made that comment - maybe they don't offer PN classes in her area so she doesn't know about them?

But it has been well documented that most parents don't appreciate/absorb classes about postnatal life while they're still pg. Most parents-to-be are so focused on pg and labour that they don't relate to life afterwards, they're just taking one step at a time.

[MellowMa]

Message withdrawn

[Booboobedoo]

That sounded terribly smug . I mean I'm really enjoying it and I wasn't expecting to.

[fillyjonk]

i agree that everyone has a different experience, but thats true of birth, too

i am an nct class supporter, and have done other stuff around supporting new parents and one thing i would say is that parents CONSISTENTLY want info about life with a newborn but it is not really covered prior to the birth. Its a control thing, as much as anything else.

I did a 3 hour bfding class, run by the NHS. it was fabulous. resulting in absurdly high bfding rates. then funding was cut.

I think if we can cover birth, a really diverse subject, then surely it should be possible to cover life with a young baby. I do think the nct approach is social networking, which isn't do able for some people.

[sugarfree]

I dunno,I mean you meet wild-eyed,whimpering new parents and they tell you,but you don't really believe it do you? You still think "oh,it won't be like that for me."
Then when you become a wild eyed,demented harpie and your nipples look and and feel like they've dragged up a gravel path,and PFB is awake for 22 hours,you think 'tyou're' the only one it's like that for.
I think you have to live it to believe it IYKWIM.

[fillyjonk]

yes but you don't really listen when the strange woman at work tells you about her tripped out labour EITHER, do you?

That is why a PRE BIRTH (ie when you have a bit of TIME) class on it would be useful, IMO. And there is NOTHING in many areas of the coutry, eg here.

i THINK I'm correct in saying that women don't usually develop pnd because of a bad birth experience, they develop it because of a lack of support /feeling out of control etc post birth

[NKF]

Whatever they told women, they wouldn't believe it or really understand it. It's one of those things you have to find out for yourself.

[sugarfree]

Filly,13.5 years later and I'm still looking for whoever it was that told me that labour is like period pain.Gawd help if I ever catch up with her...

[Pruuni]

I made sure to tell some family members who asked recently that it is a mad time and they must prepare for the worst and recognise the highs when they come (and they do).
I agree with you filly.
I am maddened by the idea esp that we don't tell women nearly enough of the truth about breastfeeding in the beginning for the majority of women: pain, confusion, the emotional side of it, length of time actually spent feeding - no doubt somebody will come along and say "oh I breezed through it, you don't want to put people off" but I say, arse. How many people would benefit from knowing it can be hard and would then a) feel better if it turns out not to be hard and b) not feel like a failing loon if it does turn out to be painful/the baby won't feed every three hours etc?
The corollary of that is that there is little discussion of the difference between say week three and month three, because everyone's trying to make out it's like month three.
Loosely speaking of course.

[FrannyandZooey]

her, sorry

[fillyjonk]

"Whatever they told women, they wouldn't believe it or really understand it. It's one of those things you have to find out for yourself. "

read spare rib circa 1985

they were saying similar things about labour

does not mean you can't prepare for it, and think through strategies. Ok the reality might be much, much more intense but it still helps to have thought things through

[Pruuni]

NKF I don't agree.
I don't think we can be prepared for the emotional side of birth and a new baby, because it's a unique experience. But I know I kept nuggests of information from fairly offhand comments that people made to me pre-birth. Very useful tbh.

[fillyjonk]

and oh GOD pruni

why will NO ONE admit that, actually, bf DOES hurt at first and it DOESN'T mean there is anyuthing wrong?

[Pruuni]

booboobedoo I would say that a year of MN pre-birth has prepared you better than anything! Hence your relative relaxation and enjoyment. It's pretty intense, MN...

[MellowMa]

Message withdrawn