Things you don't want to hear a toddler say....

(271 Posts)

I'll start with "Oh dear, poo all over the place" [sigh]

Though this is closely rivalled by Nothing At All aka completeanduttersilence

Sirzy Mon 10-Sep-12 08:53:35

"Mummy need a fuck?" when out for a meal and offering me a fork!

My nephew once annouced "I don't like arse hole" meaning arsenal

ComradeJing Mon 10-Sep-12 08:58:16

Oh god, I'm howling at these.

DD is 20 months... it can't be far from starting <sobs>

blondieminx Mon 10-Sep-12 08:59:15

"mummy, I want a strap on!"

Shouted by DD in Sainsbury's last week as she tried to put the safety straps round herself in the seat of the trolley blush blush blush

Ah DC's... Before 16 they embarrass us, over 16 we embarrass them grin

xMinerva Mon 10-Sep-12 08:59:38

"oh oh, Mummy, Rara (little brother) did it"

While I'm in another room.

1tinnietinytoddler Mon 10-Sep-12 09:04:52

when ever my DD wants chocolate which I call choc choc

"want cock cock"

really embarrassing

and another one is. mostly when somebody talks to her on the bus or something

random person: what's your name?
DD: incess
followed by me saying "she is trying to say princess"

millie19 Mon 10-Sep-12 09:16:39

Generally a toddler saying nothing is scary.....silence is deadly! But most recently it was "Mummy is the pea up my nose stuck forever?"

katese11 Mon 10-Sep-12 09:21:22

We've had a few lately (ds is 3)

"I lost my mummy! I been looking for her all day!" (While I'm standing right in front of him)
"Mummy, we not pay my newspaper!" (In Tesco, waving a magazine we'd bought in the other Tesco)

And his favourite atm...

"My willy gone pointy!"

sashh Mon 10-Sep-12 09:25:40

"Mummy can you tie me up"

Said by a todler in a cafe with his arms behind his back and round a table leg.

Mum, without looking "No dear"

iggi777 Mon 10-Sep-12 09:27:12

These are all too cute. I've always used as a yardstick for the things my ds says, a story I read on mumsnet once where a toddler was having a tantrum in the bank, looked up at her mummy and called her a "two-headed cunt". If they're not saying that, it's not too bad!

Dd1 at soft play while potty training - "i done a poo!" While holding aloft said poo that she'd fished out of her pants in the middle of the packed toddler play area.

smallstar22 Mon 10-Sep-12 09:28:49

When my DS was 3 he sat up at the kitchen table while I was cooking and asked very politely if dinner was ready yet. I told him it would be a few minutes and he replied:
"Oh for f**k's sake!"
Aaargh!

Also dd1. I had to brake pretty hard after someone pulled out in front of ma and dd1 shouts from the back "say f*cks sake mummy!"

Ooh just thought of another. When in army housing a bloke from MHS had come to test smoke alarms. He made the one outside the kitchen go off and dd1 shouts "dinners ready!" Cue me trying to assure MHS man that I'm really a very good cook!

stargirl1701 Mon 10-Sep-12 09:32:50

It doesn't stop...

My class of P1s (5 year olds) were doing a topic 'People Who Help Us' so we interviewed the janitor, had photos taken with him and then drew pictures.

His name was Wullie.

Cue lots of voices: 'Miss, come and look my Wullie...'

If anyone was passing the classroom door blush

Yes, I am in Scotland grin

CornishKK Mon 10-Sep-12 09:32:59

DS - shouting "I did a big poo"
Me - (upstairs bathing baby) "that's brilliant darling, where did you do it?"
DS - "on the floor. I put it in the potty" grin

BlameItOnTheCuervo Mon 10-Sep-12 09:36:51

my daddy has a thrashing stick that he will beat you with.

Mummy, that lady is so pretty that my willy feels funny.

Nose kiss. Chin kiss. Ear kiss. Tongue kiss!

FreudiansGoldSlipper Mon 10-Sep-12 09:36:56

mummy whats that smelly, then going on and on was it you it is not me its that man pointing to him

mummy you have a front bottom, i have a willy and daddy has a big willy - this was of course said while we are queuing in a busy shope

Frontpaw Mon 10-Sep-12 09:37:53

Uh-ohhhhhhh
Never a good thing.

ScarletBadgers Mon 10-Sep-12 09:38:00

My dd likes singing her made up willies and vaginas song. It's like she knows the most inappropriate times/places to do it!

She also says arse a lot. My fault.

BlameItOnTheCuervo Mon 10-Sep-12 09:44:53

Oh yes, ds was most upset that I don't have a penis. He feels I am missing out. So offered to buy me one from tesco because "tesco sells everything"

DS (2.6) and baby DD (new). We drilled it into him that he wasn't to give her any toys, sweets.

"Mummy the baby won't eat the sweet I gave her" I was <<shock >> ,raced to her side.
He left a little sweet beside her (that she couldn't reach)

DS (about 5 ish) "I can do a magic trick"
"Oh, that's nice. What can you do"?
"I can make my willy go up and down without touching it" blush

Taking him into a toilet- you know how you check and if it's vile, you go to the next. He wouldn't accept the first one, we had to check 3 (because that's what we always did).
There was a toilet with 2 cubicles, he had a choice of one.
"It's a bit manky in here" loud toddler voice.

DD chastises people who don't wash their hands in public loos
"Never heard of MRSA"? (I'm a HCP- obviously she listens to me) smile

windmillpond Mon 10-Sep-12 09:45:20

"Mummy..... hair all on floor, I bin a hairdwesser. Look at my hair" shock

FaintlyMacabre Mon 10-Sep-12 09:46:35

"Ooh! Me find eggs!"

I'd only left the shopping delivery unattended on the floor for a few moments!

Oh and they get worse with age. My DS is nearly 13 yo .
I saw some very snazzy sequins dresses in H&M sale. Toyed with the idea of buying one, but I put it back and said (wistfully)
"No, it looks a bit Drag Queen"

DS says (patting my arm) "You could pull it off Muvver"

Fecking cheek shock I look like a Drag Queen do I?

ChrissasMissis Mon 10-Sep-12 09:55:17

My FIL taught 1yo DS to bump his beaker aganist Grandpa's glass and say "Cheers!". Very cute. Except when he did it in Starbucks and shouted "Jizz!".

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