Just need to talk to someone

[Meandmyjoe]

Hi, I have often used mumsnet as an outlet to rant and ask advice about our baby. He is 8 months old tomorrow and I'm a complete mess.

He is such an unsettled grumpy baby that sometimes I can't do anything other than cry with him. People kept telling me that it would get easier at 3 months, then 6 now 9 months. I'm so tired of waiting for the turning point and the end is never insight.

The truth is that it hasn't got easier. DS still cries at everything, won't go in a buggy, cries in the car, can not sit still. Has to be up in my arms looking around and on the move. People keep telling me this will get easier when he is mobile but the problem ishe won't spend enough time on the floor to actually learn to crawl so I have no idea how he is ever going to develop.

Today I feel so shit. Took ds to the doctors today to see if there really is anything wrong with him. I've tried talking to my health visitor but she just tells me to leave him to cry. I can't do this and I don't see the good it would do.

Anyway, had a huge argument with dh today (probably my fault). We are just so fed up of how shit our life has become. I love ds soooooo much but nothing seems to make him happy for anymore than a few minutes before he's whinging to be on the move again.

I've cried so much today. Had to litterally bite my wrist to stop me from shouting at ds. He doesn't deserve such a shit mum. I really can't make him happy. I have no family other than my sister who understand quite how demanding our baby is. It's heartbreaking when I see other people breezing along with their smiling cooing babies and I'm breaking my back pacing around with ours. He weighs 23lbs now and I'm shattered. DH works 12 hour shifts and I am so so so lonely.

Please talk to me, I really just want to run away. I would never do this as I adore our baby and my dh but things are just not getting easier.

[SpecialOffer]

I just want to say I have a demanding 9 month old, its not easy, he never played with anything longer than 1 minute! He is also a big baby, and I used to spend forever carrying him around.

For me it has got a bit easier since he is mobile, as he got horrible just before crawling, so frustrated.

I used to do anything to make him happy, he used to like standing against our sofa (I sat beside him) and tearing a magazine up.

I am so sorry I haven't got any more advice just sympathy! No-one tells you how demanding/exhausting it all is!

[Meandmyjoe]

It's getting to the point where I can't stand being on my own, with or without ds. I think it's because I spend so much time on my own and I am scared of it. I must sound nuts. I just am so alone. My family have no idea what ds is like and never take the time to get to know him. I can't take him out to their house as he just cries and then everyone thinks it's my fault and that I'm doing things wrong. I have noone. I even avoid meeting with my mum friends now as their babies are so different to mine. I really thought that be 8 months he would be sorted. I must have cried about 80% of the day and this is getting to be a habbit now.

[Meandmyjoe]

Thank you so much for replying! I am still crying and can't seem to stop. How do you cope? when did he get mobile?

[CountessDracula]

Oh goodess me you POOR thing
I can remember feeling similar and just hoping and hoping that it would pass

Babies do cry
It is vile
but it WILL stop eventually

Is he teething? DD was vile when teething

[CountessDracula]

You really do need a break from it
Can you get some help from friends or family or even paid just to get some peace and quiet?

[CountessDracula]

If you live in London you can drop him round here tomorrow pm - dd will entertain him!

[MrsMattie]

You poor thing.

My DS (now 3 yrs old) was an exceptionally demanding baby. I developed PND somewhere in the first year of his life (wasn't immediate...can't pinpoint exactly when it happened...). I just felt so unbelievably knackered and shit about things. It was tough. So...I really do sympathise with you.

Like you, I couldn't leave my son to cry for very long (just stressed me out even more) but in retrospect, I do think that perhaps I made things harder on myself by having such high expectations of my baby. If I could go back in time I would have co-slept, instead of spending hours trying to get him to go to sleep in his own cot and to be honest, yes, I would have left him to cry a little bit more often in some circumstances e.g. in his buggy on walks.

The thing is, it will get easier in some ways - your baby will learn to crawl and walk and gain independence from you in some areas, for instance - but there is no time limit on this, and I think people who say 'ooh, the first 8 weeks / 6 mths / 2 yrs are the hardest' are talking utter shite. For me, the first 12-18 months were brutal, and it has got a lot easier since. It might be very different for you.

Not much advice (so sorry, but other people's advice never worked for me...it just was hard and then it got easier eventually...), but big hugs and one thing I would say is - perhaps you should try leaving him with his dad or with a trusted relative or friend for short periods? Get some relaxation, some perspective, some time when he isn't your responsibility? Might help a little tiny bit?

[foxinsocks]

what did the GP say?

one of mine was a constant crier but I went went back to work - was planning on doing so anyway and it was such a relief at the time .

Do you think it's frustration?

[SpecialOffer]

The only way I cope is to sling him in his pushchair and go out walking, even if he does continue to cry it is so much nicer outside. I am also lucky in that my mum friends were really understanding, although it was hard when mine was the one sat there yelling.

I also use food a lot . He will always shut up if he sits in his highchair with raisins, rice cakes and chocolate buttons as a last resort.

I have also found he sits still and quiet for the night garden so have a video of recorded episodes I put on!

I just plan something to do everyday and take one day at a time. He got mobile at 8.5 months.

[foxinsocks]

yes, I think it is very important to have a plan. A friendly group where everyone knows he's a bit of a crier so takes him off you so you can have a cup of tea. A group of parents to walk with in the park etc...

you are NOT a shit mum. Children/babies are just more demanding than others at different stages!

[NotABanana]

I feel for you, I really do.

I used to be a nanny and thought being a mum would be a piece of cake. I was sooooooooo wrong.

Has the GP done a thorough check on the baby? If he is crying all the time then the HV and GP would have seen him, and I wonder if he is in pain.

Whereabouts are you? I am sure there would be a MNetter nearby who could help.

[gagarin]

My first was like this and I used to go to an activity everyday. 2 toddler groups, swimming, NCT coffee morning and a music tots thing. The toddler groups and NCT stuff was very cheap - swimming not too bad and the music tots a bit expensive.

No - I didn't enjoy them. Yes - she cried and moaned and sat on my lap for most of the time but I felt better just being out of the house.

What do you do to get out? A change of scene may help?

[nightshade]

you need to start trying to identify one or two small things that you can change to make it easier day to day.

less housework, a sling for an hour to give you peace, mother and toddlers, a friend to leave him with for an hour?

just gaining control and space for a ort period once or twice a week makes it all seem a little easier!

an out door sand pit and waterproof overalls has often saved my life, just enough time for a cup of tea, fag and a few mintues to stand still!

[Meandmyjoe]

Not really as he is so grumpy I'm scared someone ekse would lose their temper with him. Maybe being too overprotective! It's not that I don't want to be around him. I just want him to be happy. It's strange. The one day I had away from ds (dh looked after him while I went out with a friend) I found myself missing him but also dreading coming back if that makes sense.

I don't know if having a break from it would do any good. I so want him to be a happy baby, I know babies cry but seriously, I feel ill from having him whinge litterally every 2 minutes. It's impossible. The Dr didn't find anything and I'm really wondering what the hell is wrong with him or me. I spend hours on the internet when ds is in bed trying to find some sort of solution or a reason for his grumpiness. He is so touchy and miserable.

I'm so scared about the future. DS was such a wanted and planned baby but I am terrified what kind of a child he will become. My whole day is filled with trying to stop him from having a meltdown. I can never relax, even when he's content as I know within 2 minutes he'll be whinging again. I feel like I'm walking on egg shells all the time. I'm so heartbroken.

[cherrylips]

Persevere with going out, meeting your mum friends. Persevere with taking him to see your family too, so that they get a good chance to bond with him.

At around eight months babies go through a clingy stage I found. It will get better when he is able to go, "Oh, i can get round on my own, I think i'll give mummy some peace and go and explore the pot and pans cupboard in the kitchen" !!

Is there any chance you could afford to get him a place in a nursery for one or two days a week, so you could recharge your batteries. This may only have to be for a few months. Even 2 half days may be plenty. Look for a nursery near you so its convenient.

I'm certain that he will improve and you will start to feel a lot more relaxed.

[NotABanana]

Oh love. I just want to hug you both.

Have you thought of cranio osteopathy?

What was the birth like?

Babies can pick up on vibes so maybe try really hard to be smioley around him and espect him to be calm, and happy and hopefully he will soon feel it.

If you live near me, I will help.

[MrsMattie]

Oh, and I so relate to the feeling that everyone else's babies are angelic docile little dolls who just sit on their mums knees, while your baby is a screaming little demon. It's awful, isn't it? Completely draining, embarassing, humiliating and you think you must be doing something very wrong. YOU ARE NOT. Your baby just has a different temperament to your friend's babies. I know it's hard but try not to take too much notice of what other people think - it's not good for you and will make you feel worse than ever. Take yourself out of really stressful situations ( big meet ups, baby groups etc). If you could cultivate one friendship with an understanding mum it might be good for you. I know I certainly would be very understanding of any mum going through this, as i relate with it so so much.

[foxinsocks]

I can understand that desire to make your children happy but you need to bear in mind that some babies do just cry more than others.

I would possibly think about taking him for a second opinion (GP wise) - did the GP see him whinge/cry a lot? My worst crying child turned out to have allergies but I think you would have spotted them by now.

Perhaps you need to try and change your expectations a bit? I promise you, people at baby/toddler groups are not going to get cross with a baby. Although you may find the whining/crying gets on your nerves very quickly, at a baby/toddler group, it will be so noisy, no-one will notice.

Also, you cannot look at him now and think he will be like that in a few years time! If I had plotted my children's emotional behaviour based on what they were like as babies, they'd be locked up!

[gagarin]

I meant to say - the moaning increased every time I set foot back indoors.

Go out (not now of course) and use your internet tiem to find some things locally you can do.

You won't necessarily find friends for life at these groups but watching other people struggle with their kids perks you up too

[foxinsocks]

yes, I agree with that MrsM - perhaps someone with a baby who has already got older children. ANYONE who has been through baby stage will sympathise with you, I promise!

[MrsMattie]

Must just add - don't wporry about the sort of child your baby will become! PLEASE! My demanding whingebag baby has become the most charming, loving, funny, extremely verbal and intelligent and generally fabulous 3 yr old. He has almight tantrums sometimes. Heis big and strong for his age and bloody hard to deal with sometimes. there are days when I am so knackered out by him I could just crawl away somewhere and sleep for days. But he is great fun. Fantastic. The baby stage is just so shit for some parents

[Meandmyjoe]

I am in North Lincolnshire. Wow thank you all for responding. I really convince myself sometimes that he must be in pain but the gp thinks not. How is it possible for a baby to be so unhappy? It's making our lives miserable. I just want to crawl into bed and never get out. I am a terrible mummy and a crap wife. I think ds is actually making me have depression. If he would be happy I would be happy but it's so hard to be optimistic when my baby is so miserable. I'd do anything for him but I can't do anything right. No one can make him happy without carrying him around all the time. I ache constantly and I dread getting up with him to start the day now. He wakes up grumpy and is that way til he goes to bed at 7.

[Meandmyjoe]

Congratulations on the pg MrsMATTIE. i HAVE TO ASK THOUGH, ARE YOU NUTS?? LOL. I really doubt I will be having anymore kids. Such a shame as we always wanted 3 children but I have been so destroyed by the last 8 months, it has put us off for life!

[foxinsocks]

you need to get out and see some more crying babies - I promise you, they are not all perfect.

Does he sleep ok?

[Meandmyjoe]

We had Cranial Osteopathy. No change. The birth was normal delivery. Fairly easy really (although not pleasant needless to say). Osteopath found a small strain in his neck which is sorted now but made no difference to his temprement. Thank you for reassurring me that he won't be a horrid child. It's so hard to look at him and imagine him being a happy, well adjusted child. He is so so moody.