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Worry Bucket Thread.

(134 Posts)
HowlingTrap Thu 21-Nov-13 15:36:03

Its an Idea, it may work it might equally flop.
I have Depression, I had good days, ok days and bad, bad days, I have a diary which helps in a way but finding time is hard at times for some reason a computer seems easier etc, but it doesn't give feedback and sometimes I need it,
So I thought start this , see it if helps me or anyone else, anyone with any issue can type the mind rambles that aren't really coherent anywhere else, or just whinge or announce or talk about progress or lack thereof of it irl, I will be doing that a lot I feel I'm in the process of finally being treated adequately 8 years down the line , I;m waiting for blood tests to rule out thyroids etc which is necessary but urgh!
Did the NHS Depression test got 23/27.

Anyhoo, please let me know if people think this is a good Idea,

Mrsfrumble Fri 13-Dec-13 06:42:22

Oh ashamedoverthinker, are you me??

I go to bed at night, full of resolve that tomorrow will be different and I'll be better at everything, and by about 9am it's obvious that it will be just the same as every other day and the knot of guilt and anxiety forms in my stomach.

I'm permanently exhausted and a crap, shouts, resentful mother. I worry that I'm fucking up my children, that my DS has ASD or emotional problems and no one can see it but me, that I'll never have the energy or courage to change.

A hug to everyone on this thread. I feel better just for having got that off my chest....

ashamedoverthinker Fri 13-Dec-13 09:50:39

<hugs> mrsfrumble

Im going out today to meet up with some newish friends. They are really nice. Im going to try and enjoy it and not talk too much.

HowlingTrap Fri 13-Dec-13 10:15:39

I didn't mean to criticise wetwetwet its just I think his emotions and the crap that comes with it might be taking up too much room atm, I think women are conditioned to 'make it work' that turns into flogging a dead horse.

I feel like crap today, emotionally like a failure, like everyone is judging has an opinion pfft,I'm having one of those days where I just want to go to bed and not wake up..

wetwetwetfan Fri 13-Dec-13 10:58:10

I am glad that you asked the question howlingtrap. I haven't told any of my family and only two of my very close friends. They both reserved their own judgments and just offered a supportive shoulder rather than questioning my motives. I like that this forum is honest.

I used to think that if he ever cheated on me he'd be out the door. I wasn't one of those women who would put up with such crap. In reality it is so complicated and emotional that i had to weigh what i really wanted and decided that i wanted it to work. Guess you don't really know til you're in it.

I am sorry you're having a bad morning. <hugs>
I didn't fall asleep until gone 4.30am so my bed is also the place i want to be curled up in today. Insomnia is a bitch.

batterylow Fri 13-Dec-13 11:59:34

Can I join you all? Really relate to a lot that is being said. I am on day six of starting citalopram and mood is really low, anxiety and obsessive thoughts worse too.

My dh had an affair about six months ago, I don't want the relationship to end and I don't want to deal with my feelings of jealousy and betrayed either, i feel trapped. I was depressed before that too I think, probably PND and bizarrely came out of depression briefly when he told me of the affair and managed to find the energy somehow to have my own. Now I have crashed massively , can't believe this is my life. Hope the anti depressents start working soon.

batterylow Fri 13-Dec-13 12:02:05

Wetwetwet I agree you can't know what you would do till it happens. I have a complicated home set up and due to one child having disabilities I can't manage both alone right now. Dh is about as sorry as is possible and doing everything he can to help me but it doesn't help, I want it not to have happened. I think if it wasn't for the children and the fact he does so much for me I would have chucked him out but I feel its not possible right now, I am not even sure that's what I want .

wetwetwetfan Fri 13-Dec-13 12:33:00

I think that our relationship was on the brink of doom when he succumbed to someone else's attention. Sounds awful but before I found out I think I was going to let it end a natural death. He wasn't happy, knew something was wrong with 'us', I think now that I have also been suffering from depression and just not known it. Youngest ds is 3 and things seemed to have been slowly sinking since his birth. I also had a massive burst of energy and fight in me when I found out. Think it gave me a reality check that my marriage really was ending. Here I am 2 months later crashing and burning with meds. Feel like a complete failure in life and so emotionally drained. I cancelled my counselling yesterday then lied to dh that they had cancelled it. Even that feels like failure.
I am hoping that the meds will take away this rollercoaster feeling so I can focus a bit more. Hopefully we will both start feeling better soon batterylow.
My children have no disabilities so can't imagine how hard that must be for you to cope with as well. And so he should be helping you, even if you decide if it not what you want, you should still be able to rely on him to help with the dc.

batterylow Fri 13-Dec-13 13:30:17

Thanks yes , it's sad because he has always been pretty good at doing stuff, I know he should be but he tends to be the one doing stuff as I am often preoccupied or a bit down. I have been extremely critical of him for a long time and had been unsure of the relationship as he knew, I tend to take out my anger etc on him and so although I bet it sounds like I am excusing him, I can see how he felt the need for a self esteem boost. What I need to decide now is whether I wanted to be with him in the first place and whether it is now doomed regardless. I slept with someone else which helped at the time but actually the whole business has delayed this crash in mood , it was a temporary fix!

I'm sorry you are going through this but it is good to know I a, not the only one to make the decision to keep trying at least for now. We both have very young children and its a hard time without all of this, yes letsbhopenthe ads are the boost we both need.

wetwetwetfan Fri 13-Dec-13 19:53:56

Bleughhhhh......spent the afternoon bawling. Stupidly googled her name and saw pics of her. So hate myself for torture I put myself through....

batterylow Fri 13-Dec-13 19:59:40

I have done the same, looked her up on facebook, its a hideous feeling. I know its horrible but I am glad my dh has the same horrible thoughts to torture himself with about me with someone else!

I had hypnotherapy to help me deal with the imagery and obsessive thoughts about hating her etc and it worked for a shirt while but not enough, I am better about it but it comes and goes, I feel I can't leave the house sometimes as panic we will bump into her. I am hoping cbt will help with it a little as I need to stop making myself worse over it. I really sympathise, it is awful.

HowlingTrap Fri 13-Dec-13 22:53:32

I don't know if this is a class thing (painfully working class)
But I cannot imagine anyone I know going through various kinds of therapy to get over cheating, it sounds relentless and with little reward, don't you worry that numbing the pain so to speak its rightful anger thats there for a reason?

Sorry I sound like one of those Hope Vampires from the relationship boards, I struggle to get my head around it tbh.

wetwetwetfan Sat 14-Dec-13 12:23:41

Not sure that class is a factor? I am very working class and cbt is through my gp for low self esteem, negative thought patterns and fucked up childhood. The cheating thing is just one part of a shitty life at the moment. Unfortunately it's so painful that it seems to overshadow the other things that have been causing damage to my mental health.

I don't doubt that the anger has it's rightful place but dealing with it needs to be constructive or it just ends up destructive...usually to the person who is angry. We have such fragile minds and bodies that we should use any and or all available ways to help us..whether that's hypnotherapy or crying on a friends shoulder.

You don't seem to be a vampire and I understand how it must look to people outside this experience...��

batterylow Sat 14-Dec-13 18:17:43

Cbt is free so definitely not a money thing, no idea about class but I think its becoming more well known about the benefits of it so is suggested frequently.

I agree you can't get over cheating by therapy for the "victim" but the thing is, the cheated on person unfortunately often suffers low self esteem as a result of it, its another horrible consequence through no fault of our own. So the cbt in my case is to help with that,and other self esteem issues that probably lead up to how bad my relationship had got if I am honest. I totally would have said the same as you before this and not sure my relationship is reparable some days but feel if it isn't I need to be able to say I tried to get past this. I think when you are facing the reality of separating, effects on children etc its different to thinking about it, in an ideal world it would not have happened but now I need to deal with my life from now on and I am not sure being a single parent who can't manage her children without outside help would be a better life for me or e children right now, it may be more straight forward for others.

batterylow Sat 14-Dec-13 18:22:05

Meant to ask wetwetwet how you are feeling today? I'm not good emotionally but feeling better sickness wise from starting the tablets.

wetwetwetfan Sat 14-Dec-13 19:27:43

Not too bad actually batterylow....No tears today and found myself laughing at my three year old giggling at something silly. Felt like I haven't done that for such a long time. The sickness is also better for me today.. maybe because I have actually tried hard to make sure I take it with food. Says on the packet that you can take with or without but read somewhere on here about people needing to have food to stop the nausea.

batterylow Sat 14-Dec-13 19:37:39

Yes mine say that too (think we are on different ones but both ssris ? I am on citalopram. I have found I get reeeeally bad nausea if I have them without eating though so have been eating little and often. Unfortunately I am now obsessing over gaining weight!

That's good you are able to see the funny side again, I wonder if these drugs have a cumulative effect , ie even though we have anxiety etc as side effects little positive changes are happening too that will continue to improve? I hope so.

wetwetwetfan Sat 14-Dec-13 20:18:37

Yes I am hoping that it's the drugs 'kicking in'. I am kind of expecting to have good days and bad days but definitely felt like today was a much better day than last several weeks.

To be honest I am finding chatting on here a big help... just knowing I am not the only one to have these type of problems.
I wish I could be honest and tell my family but my mum lives 6 hours away (not a phone conversation really is it) and my sisters have problems of their own to deal with. Funny that they always feel free to tell me all about their problems and I am expected to be the one who helps everyone else. The strong one. Maybe that is what comes of being the oldest and I have taken it on myself.

I have also been writing stuff down in a journal , how I feel , what I am thinking, how bad it is, total rambling but really honest. I let husband read it last night. I was so low and tearful but couldn't get the words out so I let him read it. He cried his eyes out. I felt relieved, like he actually got it without me getting my words all mixed up.

batterylow Sat 14-Dec-13 20:24:05

Yes I find it really helpful too, especially the mental health boards (tend to stick to this and special needs ones these days through bitter experience when feeling fragile!)

I bet there are lots of people in similar situations, relationship wise we tend to mostly hear about the ones who don't make it, possibly they are the majority but who knows because if I am keeping this secret, I can't be the only one so who knows how many have survived this and told no one. I told a close friend but no one else knows because I didn't think it would help me to hear how bad everyone thought it was etc etc.

And in terms of depression , one in four people is the figure I was told for the number of people who have experienced it so we are definitely not alone.

wetwetwetfan Sat 14-Dec-13 20:58:57

My sister has suffered for several years and her daughter has ended up in hospital for self harming so it's noteven like my family wouldn't be sympathetic and understanding. It's almost like I feel ashamed that I am ill...stupid I know. I am sure that once I begin to feel better I will be able to face telling people. Only 2 dear friends know what dh has done. He has also told a work colleague who knew we were having bad problems. I don't want people to judge him and I don't want them to judge my decision to stay with him. And they will...it's human nature.
I know of 2 couples who have stayed together after one partner was unfaithful. One couple still have major trust and 'anger' issues (in other words everything he does pisses her off) , the other couple are happier than they have ever been. Guess I am hoping to end up with the happy ever after.

batterylow Sat 14-Dec-13 21:11:31

See, everything my dh does has always pissed me off!! So hard isn't it, definitely not the easy option. I hate the thought that I would be seen to be putting up with being treated badly but I hate the thought of the fallout if we split too, I don't want it. Friends and family would be so shocked if they knew, I think they would expect it to be me rather than him, if anyone was to be unfaithful! Very lonely taking this path in some ways.

As for depression , I have told a few friends, the ones I know understand about depression and won't ask why (ie will understand that its not always an event that caused it, in my case I was depressed way before my relationship went down hill, too depressed to go for help really) they tend to be the friends I am more honest with whereas others would be surprised because I am very good at staying in control and seeming cheerful.

wetwetwetfan Sat 14-Dec-13 21:52:40

I really am now thinking that I was depressed for a long time before we started having problems. Is it even possible to be that ill and not even know it!?
I had a rough pregnancy, worked full time in a v stressful job, had 3 other kids to look after, went back to full time work when ds was 6 months, (yes that's right 4 little angels to keep me busy) , dh started having his own counselling for childhood sexual abuse, ( think that triggered repressed emotions of my own) , he started ADs for anxiety and became more confident and social, whilst my own self esteem was getting worse, he started going out more with colleagues and friends taking up new hobbies, I started to withdraw from mine and resent him for his. The more I look back over the last couple of years and replay my emotional state of mind I think that my low moments were not just feeling a bit miserable but really feeling worthless and useless.

It's only now that I can see that this feeling is not normal and that this is depression. I wish I had had the sense and knowledge to speak about how I was feeling before.
I wish I had told my husband how I was feeling instead of withdrawing from him and making him believe that I didn't actually care.

Bleughhhh...need to stop thinking about the 'should haves' .

Exhale the past, inhale the future.

batterylow Sat 14-Dec-13 22:04:11

Yes I think it probably is possible. I can see now that the fact I was always calm throughout really serious problems (dd seriously ill, previous relationship breakdowns, etc) was because I was emotionally detached as if it was happening to someone else, very bizarre and at bad moments I wonder if I am more ill than I thought.

When I had my second I felt crushing depression though from her being around ten weeks, it was like living in a nightmare, everything the same but different. I just couldn't find the energy to tell anyone and kept thinking I was just tired, stressed etc. I really know what you mean about the should haves but as dh has said, it was his choice, whatever else was going on it was a horrible choice.

I keep wondering if when my self esteem is better though, will I just think what he did was not forgive able and end it?! I feel its not forgive able anyway though I guess, its just moving on with life now. He is certainly very sorry. Like your dh he had a huge history of issues as did I and I wish we both got help before this.

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate, don't blame yourself, you did what you had to at the time to get by and were managing in very difficult circumstances.

Lonelybunny Sat 14-Dec-13 22:05:17

Can I join in ? I've suffered with depression since I was 18. It's been on and off since I'm 29 now. I also am going through bad anxiety including health anxiety. I also feel life is going far too quickly and I'm missing out on too much. I worry about anything and everything which often becomes an obsession .
I was put on citalopram early summer for really bad anxiety however I weaned my self off as my hair was falling out and my weight went up. But I all fairness since I stopped the citalopram this hasn't really improved . I also was tested for thyroid which came back boderline then normal 2 months later. I've now also stopped taking the pill as I feel maybe that's been making matters worse , since stopping 6 weeks ago I feeling a bit happier and a bit more myself . But still hit bad lows and have anxiety now and again but it has and is I hope improving

wetwetwetfan Sat 14-Dec-13 22:23:09

Welcome lonely bunny... smile

I am new to this site but already astounded at the number of people who are on here for help and support. Think we all need a hand to hold sometimes...

wetwetwetfan Sun 15-Dec-13 12:21:18

Rubbish nights sleep...got a couple of hours between 6 and 8ish this morning. Insomnia is doing my nut in!!!!
On upside I am about to take the dogs for a walk with dh. A bit of time out from the noisy kids...
Hope you are all feeling better today. X

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