If you'd told me 10 months ago that I was contemplating home birth I'd have been amazed. But when I really started thinking about my last birth I realised how much I wanted to keep out of hospital. Like PPH, I'm sure that part of this is just hoping to dodge the inevitable horror of birth - like her, I've hired a water pool (which we MUST try out)...
Last time I had a 'light' epidural that didn't work very well. It was in relatively early - 5 cm I think, possibly less - after I'd been in a lot of pain for a long time. I laboured on for ages, with my excellent midwives (more on that later) next door with a woman who was delivering, so when the docs came in and misread my monitors they nearly caesarianed me without any consultation - it was only when they mentioned it to my m/wives (nobody told ME) that they were told, in no uncertain terms, to go back and check that they weren't picking up my heartbeat instead of the babe's. In any case, labour stalled, stopped, had to be restarted - all very painful. In the end I had an emergency ventouse because the cord was round the baby and, with a first birth, it was bound to take a long time and she was in distress (my own midwives felt this, so I agreed).
However, I found the hospital experience then, and afterwards, very casual/brutal and unpleasant. So this time I would really, really like to stay at home. IMO, the reason to go to hospital is for an epidural - and don't get me wrong, I really appreciated it last time; however, if I can manage without one, I'd rather stay home.
I do find it very difficult to contemplate, and part of me wonders if I'm just kidding myself given that I had an epidural 'so early' last time (ie after about 12 hours in escalating pain). Ironically, last time I was with an excellent midwifery practice which gave pretty well independent levels of care, on the NHS. This time I'm with a bog-standard community team, but most of them seem very nice. Oh, that's the other thing - I really don't want just to go to hospital and, most likely, get whoever's on duty - who could be utterly fab but equally could be knackered, and is I think much less likely to challenge the docs' decisions (I may well be wrong on this). I really don't want an unnecessary caesarian.
Interestingly, when I did visit the labour ward last week, I felt quite panicked by it. Last time I felt rather that by the time I got there I wanted to give over control and be looked after. This time relinquishing control feels more as if I'd be relinquishing things I valued as well.
My main problem is dp's misgivings - he's worried. And it doesn't help that his dear mother - usually a star - keeps going on about my age and how it isn't a good idea at 40. (ACtually she hasn't gone on about it, but even raising it drove be bananas, and upset me quite a lot.) I haven't even mentioned it to my mum - although in fact she had my sister at home, annoyingly effortlessly, 37 years ago. All the friends I've talked to about it have been incredibly supportive. And I have to say, consulting other women on mumsnet has been what swung it with hiring a pool (oh yes, my local hospital doesn't have a pool plumbed in at the moment, either).
I'm trying to keep an open mind, but I would like to do it at home. I am very, very worried about the pain. Actually I think that's realistic - every single literary and oral culture says childbirth is painful. But like I say, if I can manage without an epidural - or rather get to the point where the idea of leaving the house to get one is just worse than staying - I would really like to...