to let my 16 month old wander round a quiet tea room...

[GumtreeGirl]

...rather than keep him in his pushchair or high chair when he's bored and fidgety?

Scenario today: a quiet NT tea room with a couple of friends with toddlers the same age. We'd sat round with snacks/ teas for 15 minutes or so, then DS having hoovered up all the snacks I'd brought started getting fidgety and asked (gestured - he's not talking yet) to get down.

The tea room was quiet - there were two other groups in there, one couple and another family group. DS wandered about, had an explore, didn't disturb anyone else either physically or noisily, then came back and started playing next to me with the toys that were supplied there. I kept an eye on him the whole time, and if he'd started disturbing anyone or making a noise I would have brought him back to our table.

One of my friends then let her son down, and he also wanted to explore but she then made a huge deal about not letting him - "I don't like him running around - he can run around at home, but not somewhere like here". My other friend then said "But he gets fed up in his pushchair, right?", to which the answer was "Yes, but tough, he has to learn he can't just wander around".

So I was left feeling v. uncomfortable and implicitly criticised for being a Bad Feckless Mother.

Personally, I (obviously!)feel that it's OK for a small toddler to wander around, supervised, if he's not disturbing anyone, and that at 16 months, 30 minutes of enforced sitting still is an eternity. I certainly would aim to start teaching him when he's a little older that he can't just get down and race around, particularly if others are disturbed, but right now his comprehension isn't there, and sitting still would mean he'd complain, noisily, which would be more disruptive to everyone else.

So, am I a Bad Feckless Mother, or OK to let him do this, for now? And what age did you start instilling the 'Sit nicely at the table' rule?

[waitingforbedtime]

I probably wouldnt have let ds either but I wouldnt think you were a bad mother for doing so.

[Firawla]

It sounds fine but maybe her child is a bit more hyperactive and that's why she wasn't keen to permit him to do the same?

[Firawla]

as in like hers would have gone and bothered all the people, mess about with stuff and she would have to be after him every couple of mins keeping him out of trouble if she let him wander?

[KickButtowski]

I installed it from day one - seriously. And when they went through phases of not being able when I thought they might complain noisily to sit nicely then I didn't take them places.

You say you will aim to start teaching him when he is a little older, but how do you decide from one day to the next when the age is right? How do you explain that last week it was ok to wander around but this week it is not ok.

And as much as you say he was supervised and well behaved etc don't forget that any staff and other customers etc may not enjoy your lo wandering around. You say you would have brought him back if he disturbed anyone - so that means after he had disturbed someone you would have done something.

Sorry to go on, but this is a real issue for me - some places are for wandering around and others are for sitting.

[kolacubes]

Are you a bad feckless mother? no.

I started this from the moment my children were on the move, one at 14 months, and one at 4 months. They had snacks, drinks, and quiet toys at the table. If they got restless and could no longer sit quietly. I called it a day.

Have been criticised that I shouldn't give in, and leave when they were restless. So whatever choice you made someone would of disagreed.

[YoureNotTheBossofMe]

I would have done what you did. Its the trade off between whining in highchair or being quiet and wandering about.
So long as he wasn't trashing the place and annoying people I think its fine.

[larks35]

No, YWNBU if it was quiet and you had your eye on him. But, by the same stroke nor was your friend for deciding to parent differently. Just because she chose to keep her DC with her doesn't mean she was judging you. You have made that assumption and now sound like you are judging her parenting. Parent in your own way and don't judge others if they parent differently (unless it is abusive of course)

[GumtreeGirl]

Waitingforbedtime - thanks, but why? To get your son into a good habit, or in case others were disturbed?

Just interested!

[booyhoo]

i wouldn't have let my ds run around at that age either. if he was getting restless i would have said my goodbyes and left rather than have him maybe knocj something down or bump into someone with hot tea.

i do think you are taking it a bit too personally though. it was her decision not to let her child run around. she didn't say she thought you were wrong or bad for letting yours did she?

[mrsfred]

DD1 would sit nicely from a very young age and was easily amused with snacks or conversation.

DD2 is more challenging and will not sit still for long at all.

Maybe your friend knew that her child wouldn't behave if he were allowed to get down?

DD1 would have been quite happy to brogue around quietly and explore without disturbing anyone. DD2 however, would run around like a demon and create merry hell

[runnybottom]

Some saying they don't like something for their child does not mean they are judging you. I see this all the time on here and its very irritating.

FWIW I don't think cafes/restaurants are suitable places for toddlers to be running around, it can be dangerous and disturbs others.

[thisisyesterday]

i let mine wander as long as they don't run, and don't get in anyone's way

if they do either then they have to come and sit back with me

i really don't think it's an issue fr them to have a little wander in a quiet tearoom

[starkadder]

It would never have entered my head to think that it was important to train people to sit still in cafes. I walk around if I like, after all. So no, as long as he was behaving nicely then YANBU. And a bit weird of her to make a point of it when you were still there, agree that it was a bit of an implicit criticism of you, which is not v nice.

[thatsnotmymonkey]

I let my 17m do this all the time, when he starts to bother people, then we leave.

Try this, while you are waiting for your food/tea, let your kid stroll around, then when food arrives, then put in the high chair.

[waitingforbedtime]

Because...I dont think its a good habit to have, if we went out for lunch for example he wouldnt have been interested in the sitting in the high chair bit if he knew that he got down to explore if he whined. Also would worry about hot tea being carried around / him pulling a table cloth down etc etc and wouldnt want him getting to the stage of annoying someone before I acted. Ds was walking at 10m so we had this issue from then really but we took wee toys with us or a book and he was relatively happy tbh even though he was / is a very very active boy.

[nickytwotimes]

Sounds fine to me.

However, not everyone's idea of what 'not being in the way' is the same.

I'm sure yours if grand though.

[Bingtata]

Actually I don't think it is ok for a 16 month old to be wandering around a tea room, I think I would agree with your friend. We have always had the sit nicely at the table rule.

However, I don't think she was implicitly criticising you. What was she supposed to do, change her parenting rules to match yours? If anything, your other friend openly criticised the friend that wouldn't let her toddler wander around.

[booyhoo]

thatsnotmymonkey

you say you leave when he starts to bother other people. well the damage has already been done at that point. it isn't a very considerate attitude tbh. surely it would be easier to teach your child patience and consideration than to always have to leave a place after bothering other people.

[SherbetDibDab]

I'd have done the same as you and they've all turned out OK.

[girliefriend]

if he wasn't bothering anyone then whats the problem? I would let my daughter do the same- my point to interfer is if she is out of eye shot, annoying someone or making too much noise!!!! They are just children or in your case a baby and shouldn't be expected to behave like mini adults - IMO!

[GumtreeGirl]

Thanks for your answers.

KickButtowski - it was very quiet and I would have jumped before he started disturbing, ie., if he started walking up to someone. And my radar was on for disapproving looks from both staff and customers - there weren't any, so I was more relaxed. If I'd picked up grumpiness from anyone, I'd have probably curtailed the wandering.
As for when to start - when his comprehension is better. At the moment he understands only very simple commands - but the concept of sitting still for 30 minutes would be beyond him.

Larks35 - fair enough - but what annoyed me was her implied criticism of me - she could have kept her DC with her without such a song and dance.

[violethill]

It doesn't sound as though your ds was particularly intrusive or noisy, but personally I wouldn't have let mine do this. Apart from anything else, staff are in and out of the kitchen with hot food, and it's not fair on them.

You also can't explain to a 16 month old why it may be ok on a quiet Weds afternoon to wander around, but not on a busy Saturday. So in fairness to everyone, including the child, it's perhaps better to have some simple rules about mealtimes, eating out etc

[lefroglet]

I wouldn't let my DS wander around as he is a bit of a starer - he can just stand for ages staring at people, trying to catch their eye to make them smile and interact with him, which I can imagine can get tedious for other people, so try to get him interested in other things.
I think this issue is a bit of a "different strokes, for different folks" situation. I know my DS (17 months btw) would not just wander around, he seems to want to move at nigh on a run all the time which would be dangerous in a cafe/tearoom, and maybe your friend knew her LO wouldn't be able to just walk around not bothering people. Try not to take it personally.

[VicToryA]

I wouldn't have let mine run round. I'd have finished my drink quickly and moved on if they were getting to the bored stage.

I've been on the reverse of this - I had a friend who let her DCs loose in cafes, and who made me feel like an over-controlling freak for telling mine to stay put!

[ColdBunny]

I would have done exactly as you did. If the child had started bothering someone, I would have immediately removed him, otherwise I would have let him explore. If people get bothered by a toddler quietly walking around minding his own world, then it is their problem. What about loud adults who might disturb other people. TBH, if people are so sensitive to noise or other people, they should not go out for tea.