To worry that DP is not up to the job of SAHD :(

(166 Posts)
midlifehope Thu 21-Jul-16 17:09:10

So, I went back to work a few weeks ago, and my Dear mother and father have been doing the childcare for my DS who's 4 1/2 and on school hols and my DS who is 10 months old. They went back yesterday as DP's temporary work contract has finished so he is free to be a SAHD (he doesn't want to look for another job at present so I have to pay the mortgage).

I am willing to give him a chance and realise he's bound to do it differently to me, they've apparently had a nice morning out, but I came back at 4pm, to find, older ds in his underpants in front of the TV, the hob still on low in the kitchen (!!!), dog poo left on back step where it was this morning, dp asleep upstairs (!!!) and baby ds asleep awkwardly in his cot, widthways rather than lengthways, meaning a cot bar had indented his head leaving a ridge and a red mark on his head (now slowly fading).

I don't know if I can do this. He also was a SAHD for DS 1 which resulted in DS having too much screen time (left there a few hrs at a time) and one terrible occasion in which DP left DS asleep in his car and went in and fell asleep - I was only alerted when a social worker walked past and contacted my neighbour who called me and I rushed home....

VimFuego101 Thu 21-Jul-16 17:17:00

he doesn't want to look for another job at present so I have to pay the mortgage

That should be a joint decision. He doesn't get to decide. If you were happy to be the sole wage earner then of course that would be fine, but I would find it a huge burden to be solely responsible for bringing in money.

If he wants to be a stay at home parent then he needs to do the majority of the housework (of course if he has a terrible day and can't for some reason that's different, but generally speaking) and have some structure for the kids.

wheresthel1ght Thu 21-Jul-16 17:20:54

The cot thing could quite easily be the child squirming round and wedging them self in that position so that yabu for

Him deciding he doesn't want to work - Yanbu. That is a family decision and he cannot just make that choice

Screen time - again yabu dd loves a couple of hours chilling with a film/cartoon marathon

Baby asleep in car - not so much of an issue assuming it is on your drive. I have done this when dd was little and not sleeping well at night.

Going in and falling asleep - not so great but an easy mistake

I get the impression that you are wanting him to fail and are looking hard for ways to show he has.

What ultimately is your issue?

FuriousFate Thu 21-Jul-16 17:21:25

Sounds like you'd be better off as a single parent. I wouldn't leave my children with any adult who was so irresponsible.

DonkeyOaty Thu 21-Jul-16 17:21:52

leaving a lit hob unattended shock

midlifehope Thu 21-Jul-16 17:22:18

I guess my issue is - worrying about the safety and happiness of my kids...

malovitt Thu 21-Jul-16 17:25:20

The hob left on with a 4.5 yr old nearby - presumably able to drag a chair over to the cooker - with the only adult asleep upstairs?
I'd be furious at that. You do not go to sleep leaving a small child to their own devices.

EweAreHere Thu 21-Jul-16 17:26:26

Wait. After the first go around went terribly, you're letting him stay home with them again? And it's already started badly?

Tell him to find a job Now. Or move out.

FruitCider Thu 21-Jul-16 17:26:42

Are you honestly telling me that you have never made a parenting mistake? That you are a perfect parent in comparison to your partner?

icouldabeenacontender Thu 21-Jul-16 17:29:17

YANBU, from what you have said, it would be an absolute non starter.
Unattended hob and neighbour intervention-no bloody way!

TheWeeBabySeamus1 Thu 21-Jul-16 17:30:06

He left one child downstairs with the hob turned on the stove and went upstairs for a nap with the baby? What's wrong with him? How old is your son (the one left unattended)? I would be furious and very unhappy about leaving him in sole charge of the children.

Mycraneisfixed Thu 21-Jul-16 17:31:23

You can surely have no doubt whatsoever that he should not be left in charge of a hamster let alone children. Whether he gets a job or not you need to sort out childcare arrangements for both your DC.
Trying to refrain from swearing so I'll just say he's a crap father.

TheWeeBabySeamus1 Thu 21-Jul-16 17:31:57

Sorry, can see you wrote your sons age in the OP. A 4.5 year old is tall enough to reach the lit hob, incredibly negligent of him.

BerriesandLeaves Thu 21-Jul-16 17:36:02

You can't keep randomly falling asleep while you are supposed to be supervising awake small children. Especially not if you've left them outside in the car to sleep. YANBU

Ineedmorelemonpledge Thu 21-Jul-16 17:36:44

Really, it's ok to leave a baby in a car and go into the house and go to sleep?

Hob left on and he's there entertaining the kids...ok silly mistake check next time.

Hob left on, 4 yo unattended and asleep upstairs...I'm sorry it's totally unacceptable for a SAHP.

My ex played the role because he thought it was a piece of piss op, picking up the slack everyday after 10 hours at work nearly killed me.

What are you going to do?

midlifehope Thu 21-Jul-16 17:36:52

The hob was only on 1, but enough still to burn a child's fingers or start a fire . I'm exploding with rage! When I questioned him about it, he got really defensive and started recording ME on his phone!

DonkeyOaty Thu 21-Jul-16 17:36:55

Never left a lit hob on, ever

Made heaps of parenting mistakes of course

Midlife - what's the alternative? Childcare is expensive but ultimately your children's hierarchy of needs must be met. I can see why you feel uneasy

Viviennemary Thu 21-Jul-16 17:38:56

Even giving him the benefit of the doubt it doesn't seem he is doing an adequate job to say the least. No I wouldn't be happy with this at all. He should pull his weight and get a job outside the home.

Garbadgeman Thu 21-Jul-16 17:39:58

So on his first day he's managed to leave the cooker on unattended and gone upstairs for a sleep when he was supposed to be looking after two under 5's? Sorry but I wouldn't be leaving them in his care again, what did he say when you came home and found the cooker on and him asleep? It's not clear in your OP, are your parents able to continue with childcare or will you have to sort something else? Having made mistakes in the past (the hours of screentime and car incident) you would think he'd be at pains to prove himself so it doesn't bode well that he's failed so dismally on his first day. Is his desire to be SAHP just so that he doesn't have to find more work do you think? It doesn't sound like it was a joint decision from what you said about having to pay the mortgage on your own so don't be railroaded into it if you can't be confident the DC will be cared for properly.

Lorelei76 Thu 21-Jul-16 17:40:47

he doesn't sound like he's fit to be in charge of them for 20 minutes.

you need to have words. It's not just about whether he should work, it's about looking after his kids.

ElspethFlashman Thu 21-Jul-16 17:44:30

He started recording you on his phone???

What the hell? You have bigger problems if that's going on, tbh.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch Thu 21-Jul-16 17:48:59

He recorded you?

Did you ask him on record why he had gone for a nap leaving a lit hob and a four year old alone, and why this is the second time he's been so neglectful?

I bet he wouldn't be so keen on recording you then.

I think you know he cant be left alone in charge of the boys again, unless he acknowledges what he's done and promises to change.

If he won't do that I don't see but you have much choice but to split, and ensure that his access to your children is supervised. If a social worker was involved in the last incidence of neglect this will hopefully be possible to arrange.

I'm sorry, you must be so upset just now finding your children had been left like that thanks

Blatherskite Thu 21-Jul-16 17:53:22

You were talking about the care of your children and he recorded you on his phone!!!

WTF?

midlifehope Thu 21-Jul-16 17:56:16

any social workers on here or people that work in childcare- my perceptions are deceiving me and I feel I'm going nuts. I need a professional opinion!

RichardBucket Thu 21-Jul-16 17:57:44

Whoa neddy, there's a lot going on here. I wouldn't be leaving him alone with my children.

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