Re clueless friend and toddler(252 Posts)
Our friend, his girlfriend and their kid(toddler) came to visit recently. I've known him years and he's a lovely bloke but generally clueless about how he/his behaviour affects others. (Others feel this way about him too. We laugh fondly about his ridiculousness ). We've hosted him numerous times and always spoil him with nice meals etc. When we've visited him we're lucky if we get fed and had to go out and buy ourselves sandwiches once. (Just a bit of back story )
I spent ages cleaning, sorting bedding and 10 min after their arrival the place was a shit hole. Our house is the opposite of a toddler haven so I was prepared for some upheaval, but the more I think about it the more pissed off I get about his/their total lack of respect for us and our home. Here is a list of points of rage inducing behaviour:
They left half eaten food (provided by us) about the place(half a satsuma. ..then another one...)
Allowed him to wander around with sick all over his bib then left it on the side for me to wash.
Stomped into the house with muddy boots after a walk through the woods
Changed his nappy on the sofa /on landing (no changing mat) probably dropping traces of shit on to carpet.
Allowed him to bash furniture with his toys.
Allowed him to bang cupboards /drawers at 7 am.
He NEVER brings his own towel as apparently we are a hotel.
And to top it off after they had gone we discovered the most disgusting mess of shit smear in the toilet. He always does this but it's never been this bad and to be honest it tipped me over the edge. I know I might be being precious over the nappy thing, but it drives me nuts how some people seem to think that snot/shit/sick is somehow less disgusting when it's a baby's. We're not parents and don't ever intend to be, so just wondering if our non parentness is causing unreasonable levels of impatience and lack of understanding. Many thanks if you managed to get this far.
Oh and I forgot. He takes over the lounge for hours on end while we wait for him/his family to get their shit together, takes over the TV and spreads out on the sofa meaning me and Himself are squashed up on the 2 seater. This uncomfortable/boring waiting around for shit to happen winds me up the most.
Well just don't have them over again.
Sorry, none of that seems very extreme. I wouldn't leave dirty clothes on the side, I would bag them up and take them with me. And I would use the bathroom ad a change mat. But two half eaten satsumas is no big deal. I think if you invite a toddler, you have to expect them to behave like a toddler. Banging/ exploring/ having fun is not unreasonable behaviour.
Yuck, he sounds gross. Being a parent is no excuse for the boots/half eaten food/not bringing towels.
The other stuff wouldn't bother me, but I have a toddler and think I've become immune to the various things that leak out of them , but pre baby I'd have been annoyed.
Next time he's in town, make an excuse not to host him. Something like, so sorry but I'm still very busy trying to clean the epic skid marks you left in my toilet last time, should do the trick
That's very disrespectful of them, YANBU I would be incredibly angry. I'm not a parent either, I do accept that things will never be pristine when kids are around but that is taking the biscuit.
(Except for the towel thing. I wouldn't think to take my own towel if I were staying with someone unless they asked me to... we have guest towels for that purpose.)
Why would he need to bring his own towel? I would never expect my guests to bring their own towels.
Two half satsumas really aren't the end of the works either.
Don't invite him again if you dislike him so much.
Who expects guests to bring their own towels?!?
It doesn't sound so bad and beyond what you'd expect at that age but I would find it annoying and I have kids but they are past that stage and don't want to go back thank you very much.
I would say ride it out but maybe just have them for lunch, not overnight, until baby is older
Hmmm, I'm not sure, he does sound inconsiderate but a few things... 'We laugh fondly about his ridiculousness' so does he think you really don't mind? Has anyone ever mentioned it to him or do you just laugh behind his back?
'I spent ages cleaning' Maybe don't bother if there is a next time he probably won't care.
Yes it sounds like he was careless and inconsiderate in your home. It is hard without being there to know if he really just wasn't bothered or if he was trying but overwhelmed by toddler.
E.g. the satsuma, sick bib, I would easily leave lying around at home as the toddler might be quickly onto the next bit of destruction.
Muddy boots I can imagine a little one running away as we get to door but would be mortified and clean up especially in someone else's house.
Nappy changing-i think your poo threshold can change when you change a lot of nappies every day. I wouldn't have thought that any poo would get on your carpet anyway, it is easy to catch in the nappy but in someone else's house I would ask them where they preferred I change baby and if I hadn't brought a mat would ask for a spare towel.
I never take a towel when staying with a friend, I would always provide one for a friend. Why would they want the extra bulk in their luggage and to have to handle a damp towel on their return trip?
That was long I expect everyone else has replied already.
What are you going to do, will you invite him again given you know what he is like and he is also 'lovely'
YANBU not being happy with a lack of respect being shown for your space and possessions. Stuff like tracking in mud past the doorway and hogging the sofa should have been grown out of before the age of reproduction, ideally.
YAB...not exactly U, but maybe 'overly quick to judge' on a couple of the toddler things - I agree they should change the baby in a wipe-clean floor location and not let him drip sick everywhere (assuming he is walking and not a very very tiny baby who burps up little bits of milk every ten seconds). However, good luck with keeping a toddler's face snot free at all times, and the sound of the drawer closing at 7am might have been much less antisocial than the sound of the toddler screaming because he wasn't allowed to touch it. Faffing around before leaving the house is also a Thing, especially if they are away from home and therefore their usual routine/prepacked bags etc. Bashing the furniture with toys and leaving food is a bit more 'it depends', imo - a one-time flail can be hard to intercept although deliberate percussion should be stopped, similarly children do drop their snacks when they lose interest but the parent should be fairly close behind to make sure nobody treads it into the carpet.
I think you are being quite unreasonable, especially regarding the towels!
It would never occur to me to take my own towels when staying with friends, and I always provide towels for my guests.
None of the other stuff would really bother me either tbh; I understand that life with toddlers can be a bit irritating if you don't have children but if it's only an occasional irritation I don't really see the problem, especially if you do actually like the family.
Nothing you've said would bother me tbh or not in your order. Shit stained toilets being the least.
I went back to check after writing the above but yes, you can tell you're child free.
Don't have them over again for your own sanity.
Have never heard of anyone being expected to bring a towel as a guest
I think the muddy shoes is the only thing I would be lemon lipped about.
And yes...shit..in a toilet. .call the police
Don't have him over to stay again. If he takes the piss like he does.
The towel thing is bonkers. You can't expect guests to bring towels!
The other stuff is a mix of reasonable and unreasonable. I hate the nappy thing. Go to the bloody bathroom and use a change mat ffs. And I cringe when other people's kids bang toys on my naice furniture (but smile sweetly). The satsumas are normal toddler behaviour. The father's muddy boots was disrespectful.
But you don't sound like you really want these people as guests so don't invite them again.
I have a toddler and in my home my standards are poor as to half eaten food everywhere.p and a noisy home.
But when I go around someone else's home I am respectful and would be picking upon after the toddler and would be trying to keep them in one room especially in the morning. I would not expect someone to be awoken by my toddler banging cupboard doors in the morning. A lot of people are saying what do you expect but I would expect a parent who knows that they are not at home now and should show some respect as they are guests. I would mention it to him as it is rude.
Having one of those times where I wonder if people have read the thread
This guy leaves shit stains in the toilet, tramples muddy boots through the house, takes over the main sofa and TV and only a few posters think it's rude?
That's before the nappy changing and sick bibs. I don't have kids but if my godchildren's parents had visitors like this, they wouldn't invite them back, but they are the sort to clear away the half eaten orange right away and I've stayed with them for a week or more at a time, house very clean despite toddlers (when the GDC were bith toddlers).
As for changing on the sofa, I know someone with kids who had a massive row with a friend who went to hers and did this. All my friends take their babies to the bathroom to be changed when they are here.
I'm not at all sure that "you can tell this person doesn't have kids" applies here. I think there's a mismatch in ideas and op from what you say, it predates him having children anyway. Maybe you just aren't prepared to deal with it anymore. I wouldn't blame you but if it's a good mate I'd talk to him first.
Wow, thanks so much for the reponses.
Re the towels- I knew I was being a bit U but when we stop over, we always take our own. Wouldn't dream of expecting them to provide. He certainly wouldn't provide them for us anyway, but I get that for many it's the norm.
The toddler is walking.
The bashing furniture, was ignored, as he was watching TV, he saw it happen but obviously didn't think it was a problem. They all came in with muddy boots and only thought to remove them some time later.
I understand stopping a child from banging would have resulted in screaming. Infact he was doing that as well.
There wasn't so much faffing around as sitting around/watching TV/going back to bed etc. But he does have form for this even before becoming a dad.
Re the satsumas ( it wasn't just that, there were other random bits of crap left for me to tidy up, that was just an example) it was more a waste thing as that aggravates. Why not just pop it in the fridge instead of peeling another...then another.
Yes I know I shouldn't spend ages cleaning, but I can't help it if we have visitors. As for him being overwhelmed, well he doesn't really do that. So laid back he's horizontal. I think people have said stuff to him, but it's just water off a ducks back, very thick skinned but at the same time, if I were to be super blunt I think he'd be offended.
LittleBearPad Not sure where in my OP it says I dislike him, I love him as a mate but he drives me nuts And I realise all of those things are minor on their own and at the time they were only mildly irritating. It was when I saw the state of the loo that I was tipped over the edge. He doesn't visit that often and while I won't turn him away, I'd be tempted to mention a few ground rules, though I'd probably chicken out as it's probably not worth it. But maybe I'll let it go with the towels
Yeah sometimes I think 'why should we put up with this crap anymore' but then I get over it. I get that being a non parent a lot of that stuff is perfectly normal to parents. BUT we're not, we chose not to be and I think people visiting with kids should have at least a little bit of respect and consideration. I had plenty for them and never once showed my irritation. Mainly cos the kid is pretty cool and it was only mildly annoying. But these things all add up don't they. I just don't get how hard it is to clean up your shit stain. I mean it wasn't a skid. It was a sticky splattering mess and took ages to clean as it had dried on. It really was the straw that broke the camels back. BTW to those saying don't invite him: I've never once invited him - he invites himself
Muddy boots and taking over the TV would annoy me. Though it wouldn't personally bother me if someone changed their child on my landing with no changing mat, I wouldn't do it in someone else's home - if I happened not to have a changing mat I would do it on the bathroom floor.
But some of the rest of it is way OTT. Have never heard of anyone expecting guests to bring own towels. Two satsumas? Big woop. I'd tidy them but it wouldn't even register with me if someone else left them. When you say "sick all over the bib" you probably mean a bit of milk mess/drool. Not the nicest thing in the world but hardly the worst, either.
When you say bashing furniture, what exactly do you mean? Making a toy jump up and down on the sofa or taking to the destruction of your household items with wild abandon and a toy shaped like a baseball bat?
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