AIBU to consider not allowing daughters dad to see her...?

(288 Posts)
NamesNick Thu 07-Aug-14 09:22:49

ExP and I split over 2 years ago. When we first split he didn't want to see our daughter (who is now 4) so I fought really hard, reasoned, pleaded etc etc and we eventually came to an arrangement where he would see her regularly and have her overnight once a week.
I think that since our split he has really stepped up and they have a great relationship. DD loves her dad so much and I encourage this with all my heart. All I ever wanted was for him to love her as much as I do. And I believe he does. Up until now..
I told him when he initially refused to have a relationship with her that his decision would be final and it was all or nothing, he couldn't just pick her up and drop her when the fancy took him.
So, for the past 2 years everything has gone really smoothly - he appears to really love her and she loves him.
Regarding the maintenance payments, that hasn't gone as smoothly because 3 times in 2 years he has 'negotiated' a reduction in maintenance payments, but I have always conceded because to me a relationship with her dad is more important than the money he pays.

So, yesterday I get a text message requesting further reduction to which I compromise and agree to half way without any arguments - he works FT btw and lives with his mum - apparently his 'household' are having financial issues and he wants to help them out...
He did not agree to my compromise and stated this is what you will get and that's it...needs must apparently.

I know this was being a bit of a cow but, I told him...ok, you pay what you pay but come to collect dd and drop her off, I'm no longer wasting fuel to facilitate your access. His response: well I won't see her at all then, (he lives in the same area so a 15 minute walk) and instead of having her last night as per our arrangement he went out. I actually called him to say ok I'm bringing her round. he said Fuck You and Fuck Her.

Last night I get a text message saying: I will pay but I want both of you to be strangers to me.

This is what I've done:

Told him not to pay anything I dont want his money if he not interested in spending time love and effort with his 4 year who dotes on him. I have given him unti Friday to decide what he wants to do.

He may well take a few weeks 'off' from seeing her an then try to get back in but I told him the previous time that it was all or nothing and I won't have him pick her up and drop her like a bad smel when he throws a titty lip.

If he decides by Friday that he doesn't want to see her AIBU to refuse him any contact in future. What do I do

She loves him and it breaks my heart, I'm not sure what the right thing to do is?

NamesNick Thu 07-Aug-14 09:24:35

my goodness that was long, but even just typing it all out was like a release.

Thanks to anyone who reads.

JohnFarleysRuskin Thu 07-Aug-14 09:26:47

I wouldn't back down. He sounds like a complete arse.
I'm sorry for you and DD.

MorphineDreams Thu 07-Aug-14 09:27:13

I think you're perfectly reasonable. He sounds like a childish nob

NamesNick Thu 07-Aug-14 09:30:09

My head says do not back down. But my heart, when I look at dd, just breaks for her.

Is it better to get this out the way early rather than have him play his mind games with her when she is old enough to understand?

He is a selfish selfish man. he is fucking 45!

CoffeeTea103 Thu 07-Aug-14 09:30:19

Yanbu, I just don't understand people like this who created a responsibility and now feel nothing to shirk that. She really doesn't deserve him at all.

6031769 Thu 07-Aug-14 09:31:05

i know he's being a total arse but do you think the final text message he sent last night saying he wanted you to be strangers was when he was pissed after a night out on the beer and got over emotional (think it says above he was out last night), maybe he'll regret in the morning and you'll hear differently.

JohnFarleysRuskin Thu 07-Aug-14 09:32:04

Well he's got til Friday to decide...He will be sober then.

NamesNick Thu 07-Aug-14 09:32:36

This morning dd has already asked 'am i going to daddys' I said no darling not today.

How do I explain to a 4yr old why she is not going to daddys house?

I was just thinking of saying daddy is working or something like that...?

Meglet Thu 07-Aug-14 09:33:31

No, you can't just stop access, especially as it's gone fairly smoothly for a few years. If he's still paying something and not an abusive shit then I think you need to come to an agreement. Does he know when he might be able to increase payments again?

FWIW I do think that shitty parents who don't pay should be kept at arms length from their children. But from the sound of it your DD has good contact and that should continue.

Altinkum Thu 07-Aug-14 09:34:45

Keep all the texts but regarding payment if contact the CSA, irrespective if he wants access to his daughter, he has a responsibility for her financial upbringing.

NamesNick Thu 07-Aug-14 09:35:31

6031769, yes i know what you mean. Thats why I have given him until Friday.

he is supposed to have her friday overnight.

We will see what he does, BUT he is the type to sulk for weeks and the return with all his apologies.

I don't want him to think he can just get away from shirking his responsibility for a while when things get tough. So if he doesn't come for her Friday then I'm thinking of refusing him altogether.

Do I hurt dd now, or risk her feeling the wrath from him in later life?

NickiFury Thu 07-Aug-14 09:37:00

I wouldn't back down and I would be going to the CSA. What a worthless worm he is.

Infinity8 Thu 07-Aug-14 09:37:12

I wouldn't back down either.

Being a good parent is sbout neeting all of your child's needs - physical, emotional and financial. If you have money and then choise to prioritise anything over providing for your child, then you are a shit parent.

True parenting means taking the good with the bad and not cherry picking the nice bits and opting out of the rest.

Your child deserves a real dad and not this loser. I think it best he backs out now before he spends her childhood causing untold damage. It is not good to force contact at all costs.

Any man who said 'fuck her' about my dd would NEVER be alliwed near her again.

Meglet Thu 07-Aug-14 09:37:25

Oh, if he's still offering to pay and doesn't want to be a dad then accept the money. XP hasn't seen the dc's in 5yrs but he pays via the csa every month. He'd still have to jump through hoops if he appeared again and wanted to see the dc's.

NamesNick Thu 07-Aug-14 09:38:01

Meglet I understand what you are saying and that is my dilemma.
Should I just allow him to pick and choose, and say horrible things to her.

he is welcome to come for her on Friday but if he rejects her now then how can I allow him the opportunity to do it again?

ShyGirl1001 Thu 07-Aug-14 09:38:15

He's being an arse, but I personally would be wary of cutting all contact with DD as what will be the effect on her? Even if he's a moron, he's still her father who she has a relationship with, I'd be worried that cutting all contact will really upset her and possibly make her angry at you in years to come. If he wants no contact then it's his fault... I'm by no means an expert, but just think that she should have the option to see him in years to come and make up her own mind.

NamesNick Thu 07-Aug-14 09:42:15

Infinity8 thats exactly what I think.
He said lots of awful things to me which is like water off a ducks back, but for those words to come out his mouth, fuck you and fuck her (he actually used her name) is disgusting.

And I don't want his money if he doesn't want her.

Preciousbane Thu 07-Aug-14 09:45:48

As much as your ex is a wanker if you stop your DD seeng him then you will possibly be the bad guy at some point. My Mother didn't even reveal who my dad was until I was 13 and he had tried to have contact and pay maintenance but she just didn't want the bother of him as she had moved on to my stepfather. I resent her for this to this day.

Look at how much the CSA or whatever its called amount should be. I do know someone that got annoyed about maintenance so went to CSA and her payments were almost halved, so just check first.

Unless there is abuse involved I think dc should be able to see both parents. He shouldn't be doing this obviously but you can be the far better person in all this.

Pyjamaramadrama Thu 07-Aug-14 09:46:17

Oh what an awful situation, he sounds like a complete twat.

I'm not sure what best to advise, he can't just be allowed to pick her up and drop her when it suits, it could cause her insecurities later in life. But then so could stopping contact.

Trouble is if you 'let him away with it', he'll think he can throw a strop whenever it suits.

Firstly go through CSA for the maintenance. Then give him another chance to restart contact with dd. don't engage with his sulking and whining. Just tell him he's welcome to collect his dd when he's out of his strop as she would like to see her dad.

stubbornstains Thu 07-Aug-14 09:47:52

He has definitely acted like a total childish wanker over this, but given that he has kept to his responsibilities and seen your DD regularly over the last 2 years, I don't think you should issue this kind of ultimatum.

I don't think you should contact him just yet, though- wait for him to calm down and contact you (hoping that he does). Then, hopefully, he will be reasonable enough to sit down and have a discussion with you about finances, responsibilities and not flouncing (with any luck, he'll apologise, too hmm).

There's always mediation if you can't come to an agreement- it can still be free if you're on a low income. (DS's dad finally agreed to come to mediation re: establishing a contact agreement several months ago- unfortunately he saw DS about 3 times and has subsequently cut contact sad).

If you can't agree on a financial contribution, you could always suggest to him that the CSA could determine it for you....smile.

Pyjamaramadrama Thu 07-Aug-14 09:50:21

You shouldn't resent your mum preciousbane, there may well be things that your dad did which she is protecting you from.

My ds can't see his dad because of the things he did, but they're things I'll never be able to tell ds.

Sparklypants Thu 07-Aug-14 09:50:48

I also sorry for you and your dd.

He sounds cruel, and as harsh as it seems at the moment I think stopping contact now would be the best thing for your dd if he can say things like "fuck her"!
It would be heartbreaking to watch him do this over and over to her as she grows up and it sounds like you've been very clear on what would happen if he decided to drop her, it's now his decision.

What an arse!

NamesNick Thu 07-Aug-14 09:52:13

CSA website suggests slightly more than what he offered, but on top of that the fees too...

I think I do need to be the better person here and leave it open for him. Although I hate having to do this. I will just need to be wary of him and his strops.

Why oh why do we have to bend over backwards to keep the peace with unreasonable wankers.

All for the sake of a few extra pounds per week

Infinity8 Thu 07-Aug-14 09:54:05

Take his money and if you don't need it to physically support her then save it for her university fees or something. Don't let him completely off the hook - he helped make this baby and while you can't make him into a decent human being you can ensure he doesn't leave her financially short.

You've given him a (perfectly fair and reasonable) ultimatum and if you don't stand by it he will know that he can do as he pleases forever and there's nothing you can do about it. So imo, you have no choice now.

I honestly think that standing by it is the best thing for your dd. If we were talking about a young man, there would maybe be scope to think he was immature and might grow up a bit in the future and become a better person. But your ex is 45 - I'd say his character is pretty much set.

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