To think that nearly 2 will be old enough to go to a family wedding without mum?

(217 Posts)
DaddyAndDaughterTime Mon 06-May-13 16:29:38

My mum is getting remarried next year in france. We live in South england, so it is a short flight away. I have said about this to my ex, and that I want to take our daughter as all my family will be together which happens very rarely as we all live far apart.
She has said she will be much too young, and to tell my mum to visit her here if she wants to see her. She doesn't seem to understand that this is our daughters family as well not just mine.

I have said I would be happy to fly out with her the day before the wedding, go to the wedding with her, and then have a flight booked for that evening so she can sleep on the plane back, then be home by morning, rather than staying a few days.
She is saying it's not going to happen as she isn't happy with her being in a different country. Is this a reasonable 'mother thing' or should I push the point? I have mentioned to my mum and she said she doesn't want my ex to be invited as she doesn't get on with her.

mrsjay Mon 06-May-13 17:23:19

mrsjay - because she's only just turned 2 and I would worry too much about it.

It is natural to worry but surely her dad could cope they would be fine on the hypothetical trip honestly smile

Twattybollocks Mon 06-May-13 17:28:07

I wouldn't have a problem with it. Of course I would worry, that's my job, but as long as your dd is comfortable with you and you are competent to care for her then it should be fine. Why not suggest getting her used to being with you for longer periods gradually, working up to a couple of overnight stays (once she is over the separation anxiety obviously) that may help your ex to be more comfortable with it and allow her to go.

BackforGood Mon 06-May-13 17:30:00

Of course she will be fine to go, and your ex is being unreasonable. As you say, this is your dd's extended family, of which she is a very important member. Only thing I'd suggest is starting to have her on your own for weekends some considerable time before the wedding. smile

MrsMook Mon 06-May-13 17:30:38

It's different that we are married so no relationship issue, but my husband has had several weekends looking after our DS (age 2) by himself. Last time it involved a 3-4hr trip to Newcastle for a friend's Christening. My only concern was the distraction factor of a bored toddler on the motorway, same as it would have been for me doing a long journey on my own. He's just as capable of looking after a toddler as me.

As long as your DD has had the chance to build up time with you beforehand, then it's not unreasonable to take her to a family wedding.

Trigglesx Mon 06-May-13 17:30:59

Obviously a lot depends on whether or not you've given us all the information regarding supervised visitation.

But if she is not comfortable with it, perhaps you can pay for her to go along, and she can just not go to the wedding (maybe relax at the hotel for a bit which means she is nearby if needed). Otherwise, there's always that possibility that both she and your mother can be adults and learn to get along during the wedding. Surely they could put their differences aside for a few hours in the interest of the child?

CloudsAndTrees Mon 06-May-13 17:31:13

At this stage, you are expecting too much for your ex to be comfortable with it. You haven't even had your dd for a night alone yet, and you are talking about taking her out of the country.

I leave my dc with their father while I go away for weekends every year, and have done so since the youngest was three. He has taken them abroad without me since the youngest was eight, so I'm not someone that is generally precious about these things.

But you are asking too much. You need to wait until you have had a few nights alone with your dd before your ex can reasonably consider this, and even then I'd understand her not being comfortable with it.

You could offer to pay for your ex and a friend to go to France with you, they can entertain themselves while you are at the wedding, and then she can take her dd home while you stay out there for a few days. If she says no to that, then she's being unreasonable.

the mother/child maybe needs to work up to it. leave her for longer each time.

MrsDeVere Mon 06-May-13 17:32:48

It might be that your ex can't see past this stage even though she says she knows the separation anxiety is a phase.

Perhaps she is imagining your DD as she is now going away with you?

I don't think you are being unreasonable to want to take your DD to a family wedding. It will be hard for your ex to let go but she really should.

It would be good if you could do more overnights and unsupervised contact before then though.

Good luck

quietbatperson Mon 06-May-13 17:34:38

How about all 3 of you travel together (provided you are friendly enough with your ex for this to happen) and then you just take your daughter off to the wedding as planned?

loofet Mon 06-May-13 17:35:09

I think if you spend more time with her throughout the week and gradually try to take her overnight or at least for the whole day without mum there then it should be fine. However if you continue to just see her for 6 hours a week I wouldn't be comfortable with it either.

Tbh I wouldn't be comfortable even with my three yo leaving the country without me. Its the fact of it being abroad, if anything (God forbid) were to happen its a PLANE journey away! And there's a possible language barrier also. It's quite risky imo but then I am a worrier. I'd feel different about him going somewhere in the UK so its purely psychological. I can totally sympathise with your ex for that.

But I think she could grin and bear it IF you were to take DD more in the run up to the wedding and she's 100% comfortable with you.

piratecat Mon 06-May-13 17:36:13

sorry op i misread.

she was with her dad and family she barely knew. then contact with her dad dwindled at about age four. she went on one more trip but after that at five refused to go. so keep up regular good contact. my dd suffered and ex years later is starting to regret what he did.

Anthracite Mon 06-May-13 17:37:05

Can ex come with DD and stay in an IBIS/Campanile?

crashdoll Mon 06-May-13 17:37:56

"the mother/child maybe needs to work up to it."

No, the child needs to work up with it. The mother's feelings are not really the issue here. If the OP has reasonably demonstrated that he can establish a good relationship with the child and most importantly, the child is feeling secure, then there is no reason to not allow this to go ahead.

ChocsAwayInMyGob Mon 06-May-13 17:40:54

The mother needs to let you have the child alone for short periods, building up to longer periods. There is no reason why you can't do this if your DD is no longer breastfeeding. I think the mother needs to let go and let her daughter know her father.

You should definitely be able to take your DD to her Grandma's wedding!

Fluffypinkcoat Mon 06-May-13 17:44:14

I wouldn't be happy with this scenario if I was the girls mum. I'd be concerned about how dd would cope with being away from me, how she would cope meeting a lot of new people all at once (who would presumably pass her around like a parcel since they don't see her often), whether she would end up being looked after by strangers (strangers to her while still your family) while you have a few drinks and the fact that I wouldn't know who she was with or where while so far away.

I honestly think this whole thing is more about your mum and what she wants than anything. Your dd won't remember the wedding or the people she meets for one day so its not about what she will get out of the day or the benefits for her of going.

vj32 Mon 06-May-13 17:45:10

Do you speak any French? Could you afford to fly out your ex in an emergency?

I think if you build up to it you should be able to take her but I would want to know that you are prepared in case of an emergency.

MortifiedAdams Mon 06-May-13 17:46:51

Lets bear in mind that it appears the mother isnt letting OP have the LO alone yet - and insists on accompanying them during the access. This needs to stop. Your ex is not helping her dd by doing this.

Maybe start with asking when you can have the dd alone and work from there?

LiegeAndLief Mon 06-May-13 17:47:56

I would be very unhappy with anyone, dad or not, who had only looked after a child of that age for 4 hrs max taking them away overnight. To anywhere. But next year is a long way off.

I think it's impossible for your ex to know how things will be next year and that's why she won't say yes now. If by the time of th wedding you're used to having your dd overnight and she is happy then maybe your ex will feel much more comfortable about it.

HollyBerryBush Mon 06-May-13 17:51:43

Next year is a long time away.

Things may have changed significantly by then.

There are periodic threads on MN with mums having an episode because the Ex wants to take the child/ren on a holiday, often that she cant afford and it always smacks of possession rather then concern or jealousy but more often than not I pick up the vibe that the mother is worried she will cease to be the important person in a childs life. All terribly selfish and self serving. There is also often an undercurrent that real family is the mothers family, not the ILs.

I don't think it appropriate to use a child as a tool, either wittingly or unwittingly, nor isolate the child from it's extended paternal family.

OP, do you have PR? You really shouldn't be asking you should be informing.

FWIW re the time limits, you can be in Calais in 35 mins, it took me 2 hours to go 4 miles home from work last week, due to road works. So I fail to see exactly what great significance a foreign country is.

Booyhoo Mon 06-May-13 17:55:31

You have 10 months to build up contact before march. Ideally by that point you want your dd to be confident and happy to spend 2/3 days with you at a time away from her mum so probably eow contact and 1/2 nights each midweek. As a starting point id change the current arrangement so that the 3/4 hours involves you taking dd out if her mums house by yourself, going ti the park or softplay etc. not necessarily for the full 3/4 hours to start off but building up to dd actuAlly being with you alone for the full time at yours.

AThingInYourLife Mon 06-May-13 17:56:32

"Your dd won't remember the wedding or the people she meets for one day so its not about what she will get out of the day or the benefits for her of going."

hmm

Nearly 2 year olds can enjoy things.

They can also remember stuff.

But even if they don't remember, that's hardly a reason for not doing stuff with them that they will enjoy.

b4bunnies Mon 06-May-13 17:56:51

how ridiculous! why would you think you should take a child out of the country without her mother? your daughter is not your possession, she is a person. why would she want to be separated from the person with primary responsibility for her care?

as usual, the 'right on' mn crowd are claiming you have 'equal rights'. rubbish. she's a baby, less than two, and for your own satisfaction you want to take her away from her mother.

Booyhoo Mon 06-May-13 17:57:50

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Scruffey Mon 06-May-13 17:59:24

Yanbu to want to take your dd to the wedding. However...

Personally, I left my ds with my DM overnight one single time to go into hospital to have my dd. I will add that we were living with my DM at the time so everything was totally familiar, including my DM who ds adores. my ds was 24 months and clawed at the front door in the middle of the night screaming for me. With this in mind, I would feel sick at the thought of a nearly 2yo going abroad without me. In fact, I have never left mine overnight since and they are 7 and 5 years old now.

I would have thought a good solution would be for the mum to come to France with the child but obv the mum wouldn't come to the wedding as not welcome.

exoticfruits Mon 06-May-13 18:09:09

I would push the point- it seems much more about your ex than your DD.

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