To split up due to DH going to lapdancing club?

[chocolatte2]

DH was on a stag do at the weekend. Asked him to not go to LDC as hate everything about them. He assured me that it wouldn't be that kind of weekend. Stag not a dirty pervert kind of guy.

Admitted last night did go & got lapdance. (think about 15 blokes & 4 got dances) WTF! He then admits on further questioning to have gone once before when our 1st born was 4wks old!!! Was promoted& boss paid!! This he has kept from me for 5 years!

Now I know some will say, it's only a titty bar, chill out but we have had a terrible year. Found out before Xmas he had taken girl colleague out for a drink by herself. They had a small kiss at end of night. I found out by a text mess next day. Feel this may have developed into affair if I hadn't caught him out.

This was so out of character for my so called loving DH and father. He never flirted with girls, never remarked on girls on tv or when we were out. Actually I really loved this about him. Really never had to worry about him cheating etc.

Anyway, I was devastated, completely broken. He was so remorseful- stopped nts out etc. We had counselling which helped. We were just beginning to get back on track though I am so sad about all that happened & how the wonderful (smug) marriage we had was over & we had to start afresh.

This is why I really cannot be believe he has hurt me like this again. Up all last night crying- both of us, I really cannot see a way forward. I just feel he has no respect for me or our kids. When I think of him at that club when our baby was a newborn & I was postnatal, it makes me feel physically sick.

What I need to know is- has anyone experienced similar. I really can't see a way forward but I truly love him & he is a wonderful dad. I feel like a doormat!

[BarmyArmy]

chocolatte2 - I'm sorry to hear of the way in which this has upset you.

This can be no consolation to you but it is still relatively early days and the next few days/weeks will give you a chance to think about things without the immediate shock and raw emotion interfering with your ability to decide what you want.

All I can suggest is that the two of you continue to communicate, as openly and frankly as possible.

I hope you find some sort of resolution with which you're happy.

[CoffeeMum]

I personally wouldn't be worried about DH going to a lapdancing club [though wouldn't love the idea]. However, I wouldn't want him to get lapdances while there. I think the more major issue is the taking the colleague out for a drink tbh. If he is meant to be 'keeping his nose clean' after that, then going to a LDC when he knows you don't want him to is a bit out of order.

However, he does sound regretful. Do you think he is?

[chocolatte2]

He is extremely remorseful. Wrote me a 2 page letter saying how sorry he was, what a stupid thing, how mush he loved me. Blahblah. We stayed up all night talking, crying.

I just can't get how he could do that to me. Firstly, promise me he wouldn't go. Even if that was unrealistic of me due to peer pressure, why was he one of the few to get a dance. I know most of the others & I keep thinking obviously they love & respect their wives so much more. What stopped them?? He said he was extremely drunk & I know he probably was. He tends to be a different person when drunk- (asshole that is)

The work colleague thing has been dealt with & this I will never forgot. It tipped our relationship to breaking point. It has made me wonder about everthing- paranoia sets in & I hate feeling this way. Life used to be so carefree.

That's why I really feel this is it. My heart is breaking. How could he hurt me like this again when he knows how fragile our relationship is

[Lulumaam]

the lapdancing club for me would be a red herring

taking a colleague out on a date and kissing her would be the real issue for me

there is obviously a big lack of trust and that can be a killer blow

i would expect big reparations from him , relate, apologies, and a massive change in behaviour and a commitment to rebuilding the lsot trust

it would be the last chance saloon, rather than being over, for me, but if it happned again, i'd be showing him the door

[ChippingIn]

If I was in your situation it would be the end of the road, because he has no respect for you (to me it's irrelevant that this is over a lap dance).


Lap dance he kept secret for 5 years - so clarly he knew how you felt, or would not have kept it a secret. (Where is the respect?)

Taking a colleague out and kissing her - only admitting to it when caught out by text. (Where is the respect?)

Lap dance club this weekend when he knows how you feel - bad enough - paying for a private dance..... final straw. (Absolutely no respect).

It would be good if this could stay as a thread about his behaviour towards you, but I think it will just turn into a 'lap dances - ok or not' thread :(

[PosieParker]

Paying for a dance and going to a LDB is pretty pathetic but it's only a couple of occasions, that you know about, and probably a bit extreme to end a marriage over. The drink and kiss though is really quite serious, a planned deception.

[chocolatte2]

Incident with colleague has been dealt with. Counselling helped but can't rebuild the trust. Only he could do that. I will never ever trust him again. It makes me sound so bitter but I cannot believe all this happened to us.

To look at our family, all looks rosy. I would give anything to regain the trust but I really believe I never will. But.. can you split up with partner of 15years for this. He is a caring, loving husband and the best father. I never thought he would hurt me, I feel so low. I really don't want to be a single mother. I love him but may never trust him again. Is it possible to recover?

[MmeLindt]

If it were a one-off then I could see the point in counselling, talking it through etc.

But it is not a one-off. He knows how you feel about LDCs. He knows that he has to work to earn your trust and your respect back after the incident before Christmas.

And to go along, fair enough under a lot of peer pressure, but then he also had a private dance. That is not peer pressure, that is sheer idiocy. Showing off for the boys.

And that he put that all over and above your feelings, shows how little respect he has for you.

I don't know if I could come back from that, tbh. It seems to me that if you accept this then it is implicitly giving him consent to do it again, and perhaps go further.

I am really sorry.

[capricorn76]

After reading the first few lines of the OP I was going to post and say don't worry about it its only a lapdance club and it was stag do (private dance out of order though) but after I read on about the kiss with the colleague I changed my mind.

I would probably stay with him especially if we had kids but he would have to change jobs and cut contact with the colleague. If his personality changes when drunk he would also need to cut back on drinking or give up altogether. If he couldn't do these things, then I would assume he doesn't really want to be with me and I would be looking to move on.

[rubbersoul]

I do think what he did is vile behaviour. I know some people will say the lapdancing situation isn't that bad but i think it is. He knew how you felt about it and went ahead anyway.

He is showing a lack of respect towards you. For your marriage to work this needs to change. Could you both talk to someone together? I think you definately need time to think about what you want as well. You say he changes when he's drunk- perhaps he should give up drinking?

[MisSalLaneous]

Ignoring the point that he doesn't respect your very strong feelings on this matter (which is bad enough), I'd never be able to trust him to have sound judgement when he had a drink in future.

So unless he never drinks again without me, which is pretty unrealistic and unreasonable, I can't see how this won't be repeated. I'm very sorry, as I suspect you want support now and if I were you, a part of me would probably want to hear it's not so bad.

But trust and no self control is the issue here, and unfortunately I think that is unlikely to change.

So, I'd probably split up at this point, but not without going the Relate route, even if just to make the split as amicably as possible for your children's sake. And maybe I'm wrong.

[rubbersoul]

I'm going to go out out a limb and say I think you CAN recover from this, but only if things change and he FULLY realises what a twat he's been and what needs to be done, and he sticks to this. I am only saying this as you say he is overwise a good husband and father.

I have seen 2 couples recover from full blown affairs and come out the other side. It took time and change but I think it is possible if you still love each other

[GeekOfTheWeek]

I would divorce over this.

Fundamental lack of respect and untrustworthy.

Not what I want in a man.

[fedupofnamechanging]

I am very black and white about this. If my husband kissed someone else it would make me feel unloved and as though he did not respect me or value our relationship. Some people can get over an 'affair' but for others the trust is always gone and the relationship is never quite as solid as it was before. You have tried really hard to forgive and move on and instead of your DH behaving in a way to justify being given a second chance he has felt secure enough to betray your trust and do this to you again. I think getting a dance in a club is cheating. Perhaps it is not the same as having a long, drawn out, emotional relationship with someone else, but it is not exactly being faithful either.

He is sorry now, because the prospect of losing you is real, but will he still feel that way 6 mths down the line? For me, I would have to separate as this behaviour isn't a one off.

[fruitstick]

I'm so sorry. I had a real issue with DH going to a lapdancing club while I was pregnant. It wasn't a stag do either. After much shouting and yelling on my part I think I finally got through to him how I felt about it and I'm pretty sure he hasn't been since.

Not sure about the colleague thing though. I too feel that I can trust my husband, never fliers, uncomfortable with small talk etc so it would completely change our relationship I think.

That's not very helpful is it. If he really is sorry I would suggest he leaves for a few days to give you some time to get yourself together.

[Bellepink]

Personally I wouldn't split up over a lap dance. I'm not saying I would be thrilled but it's pure fantasy and TBH I'd rather that than him going for drinks with an available "real" girl on the sly.

If in all other ways he's a good DH & father and you love him, do you really want to be explaining to your DCs in 10 years time how you split up with him because he had a dance at a LDC? It might seem so insignificant in the grand scheme of things, looking back. On the plus side as well is that he told you about it - he obviously didn't want to keep it a secret and he could so easily have done. A lot of men would have not said a word to avoid the earache.

Right now you are feeling understandably sore about it all. Only you can know if you really can't stand this but there are probably lots of men out there who haven't had a lapdance but would they be wonderful stepdads? would you love them as much? Don't kneejerk react over this. I once let a great man go over less and regretted it for years. (by the time I decided I wanted him back he'd moved on. I forgot that actually if I didn't want him someone else would because I felt all the balls were in my court given the circumstances).

I would let some time pass before deciding you definitely can't see a way forward.

[gingernutlover]

it doesnt matter what exactly he has done (although just one of those incidents would have led to my dh being out on his ear)

but over the last 5 years he has done 3 things (that you know about) that he knows you would not be happy about, he has lied to you and has hidden his intentions.

How many more things do you think may have happened that you dont know about yet?

If this was my husband he would not be under the same roof as me and my dd - effective immediatly. I would not be able to trust him, therefore the relationship would be over.

If you dont make a stand now you are being a door mat. You have to do something to show him this is totally unnaceptable or he will do it time and time again. whether that be you or him leaving to stay with friends or family and later making things up, or sepearting you have to do something.

And for what it's worth, having a lapdance whilst your wife stays home with the 4 week old baby and kissing a work colleague make him anything but a "wonderful dad"

[Silver1]

Is your husband having a bit of a crisis in life- it sounds like against all of his usual self he is intent on destroying or testing his marriage.

Do YOU want to forgive him?
Can you re-build your relationship with him, if he stays or even if he moves out for a while?

YANBU to be devastated by the kiss- the dance at a Stag not so sure as I don't know how it unfolded. Very very drunk man-not thinking clearly, in a sleazy club with all his mates, paying for a dance-probably be forgiveable to me eventually but I am not standing in your shoes.

[Mahraih]

Hmmm.

DP has gone to a lapdancing club while we're together, or strip bar or some such. I was ok with it though, as long as he didn't get a lapdance, which he didn't.

If he had, I'd have been really really ANGRY and he would have been in the dog house for a while. But not necessarily a breakup situation,

It sounds like you and DH have other unresolved issues i.e. the previous lapdancing lie and the kiss. One mistake is forgivable, but lying etc is a separate issue. Maybe some couples counselling would help?

[RandyRussian]

Although I feel for OP's suffering it seems a little OTT. I went on a ladies nite out a couple of years ago which included seeing some male strippers. Told DH later and we had a good laugh about it. Nobody cheated,nobody died. Put it in a proper perspective and chill.

[frogetyfrog]

Sorry but I would leave dh if he went to a lapdance club. Regardless of whether it was a stag do, social event, paid for etc. My dhs work went one christmas but he came home halfway through eve before they all went there - he knew if he didnt that would be that for me. His work colleagues took the piss - but now I truly believe as they have all married off that they respect him for it.

Regardless of peoples views on ldc - the fact is that he knew you hated the idea of him going there, and he knew trust was a bit of an issue after the colleague thing. He is an idiot if he ignores that and goes to club - no respect or regard for you.