14 yr old daughter on holiday with boyfriend & parents?

(149 Posts)
Ellen12 Mon 23-May-16 15:03:39

Hello - our 14 year old daughter has been dating a 16 year old boy for three months and is very happy and mature. She has been allowed to stay over at his house every alternate Saturday provided he sleeps on the sofa naturally. I am very keen to show trust and respect towards her by doing this as I feel this is very important. His mum has asked if she can go with them next weekend to Barmouth and share the trailer tent, they would have their own 'room' but separate sleeping bags - is this a bridge too far? I don't want to offend her / him by implying that he cannot be trusted but we are uneasy about the situation all the same. This is her first boyfriend but he has had a girlfriend before. Please advise*

ChocolateJam Mon 23-May-16 15:14:31

Hell no. He sleeps on the sofa? And how do you know what is going on in the middle of the night when the parents are asleep? I would never put my 14 year old in that position.

mrsclooneytoyou Mon 23-May-16 15:15:31

I would not allow her to go,their own room is sounding alarm bells for me

momb Mon 23-May-16 15:18:29

It depends if you believe his parents are on the same page with you: if so then there is little chance they can get up to shenanigans in a trailer tent with his parents in the other bedroom without them knowing.

houseeveryweekend Mon 23-May-16 15:20:43

i would personally let her go as she sounds very sensible and she will be with his parents. People would probably say i was quite liberal though.
I personally think its a good idea if you have a mature sensible teenager that you are close to to give them a certain amount of trust over navigating their own relationships. I think sometimes keeping boyfriends and girlfriends from being alone together can put extra pressure on a girl. For example when they are finally left alone together she may feel that she ought to have sex with him or that being alone overnight with a man is automatically sexual. I think its good that you have taught your daughter that you can spend time with a boyfriend alone and that that doesnt mean she has to sleep with him or that you are going to assume she will sleep with him. You know your daughter best and if she is as you say a mature and thoughtful girl i think that its a great message you are sending to her that SHE is the one in charge of the situation. I actually think your attitude will be great for her self esteem.
Its not like she will be there completely alone with him there will be responsible adults nearby and i assume from what you say that she has the type of relationship with you where she would tell you if she felt uncomfortable with the situation or would ring you up if she didnt want to be there etc

lavenderdoilly Mon 23-May-16 15:23:13

I'd want to know the other parents' approach. I'd also ask her about contraception. And alcohol. And he's above the age of consent but she isn't. I know that in reality that this all gets blurred but she is still only 14.

Disastronaut Mon 23-May-16 15:40:06

I don't know whether you should or shouldn't let her go, everyone has their own moral compass about their kids' relationships. But you should assume it's very likely they'll have sex and think about whether you're ok with that.

ihatethecold Mon 23-May-16 15:41:39

Hell no!
I was allowed at 15 to stay at my boyfriends house and go away with him etc.
You're a fool if you think they won't be getting up to things.
I ended up pregnant at 16 because my parents never said no.
Sorry but not a chance.

Aquiver Mon 23-May-16 15:42:12

At 14 she is (legally) a child and under the age of consent. So it would be a no from me (I also wouldn't allow them to stay over at bf's house at that age but maybe I'm just too strict!)

Ellen12 Mon 23-May-16 15:45:36

Wow thank you for all your speedy advice - especially from houseeveryweekend - my own style is seen by some as liberal / hippy but I firmly believe that as soon as kids are able to they should be making choices for themselves. She knows far more than me about the Birds & Bees as they start that in Year 5 now !!! She "tutts" at my suggestions of doing you-know-what and says she is ambitious about her future. Thank you again+

Stardust160 Mon 23-May-16 15:50:09

She sleeps at her bfs at 14 as someone said regardless if he's on the sofa they could be getting up to all sorts when the parents are sleep. Why does she even have to be sleeping their every other week at that age? There's been liberal then there's a girl at a vulnerable age becoming pregnant ( a life changing event) I wouldn't be as so relaxed not to protect my DD.

ChicRock Mon 23-May-16 15:54:43

If you agree to it then you should do so expecting that they most likely will have sex.

I say that as someone at age 15, who stayed at my boyfriends parents static caravan, in the bedroom right next to theirs, in our 'separate sleeping bags' hmmgrin

Becky3633 Mon 23-May-16 15:56:59

I think teenagers will have sex regardless of whether they are allowed sleep overs or not. I wasn't allowed and had sex elsewhere to be honest I'd rather if it was going to happen it was in a safe environment. I would ensure she is on contraception and aware of the risks regardless of her cringing. I didn't let DD sleep at her boyfriends but heard she was staying anway by giving me false parents numbers and getting friends to answer phone to me pretending they were parents of whichever friends she was sleeping at!

BigSandyBalls2015 Mon 23-May-16 16:00:58

It would be a no from me. She's not that mature if she's been lying about where she's staying.

titchy Mon 23-May-16 16:05:39

Yes cos knowing all about the birds and the bees = being mature enough to decide when to stop in the heat of the moment doesn't it? hmm

willconcern Mon 23-May-16 16:06:13

where does it say she's been lying about where she's been staying?

I'm quite liberal too, but I think this is too much tbh.

ApocalypseSlough Mon 23-May-16 16:07:15

I wouldn't have let my 14 yo date, let alone a 16 yo.

BigSandyBalls2015 Mon 23-May-16 16:07:31

Sorry, getting my posters confused!

k1ngf1sher Mon 23-May-16 16:11:01

I'd definitely let her, they aren't necessarily having sex just because they're left alone. Let her go and enjoy herself. Even if she is having sex, not letting her go on holiday won't stop them doing it elsewhere, it's better that you talk to her about doing it safely.

Floralnomad Mon 23-May-16 16:11:18

It's one thing knowing that teens will have sex ,it's totally different serving them up on a plate ! At 3 months into a relationship with a 16 yr old there is no way mine would be sleeping over or sharing a bedroom on holiday .

BigSandyBalls2015 Mon 23-May-16 16:13:57

How would you stop your 14 year old dating Apolcalypse?

SavoyCabbage Mon 23-May-16 16:15:55

I wouldn't as it is putting your stamp of approval of her having a quite serious relationship when she is still so young.

SkaterGrrrrl Mon 23-May-16 16:16:35

I don't think hearing the scientific facts about sex from school is a substitute for an honest chat with a parent about love, emotions, respect, consent etc.

RainIsAGoodThing Mon 23-May-16 16:30:20

My mum was like you, had no problems with my boy mates staying for sleepovers from about 13/14 and when I got a boyfriend at 16 he was allowed to stay over straight away. I think house is spot on as far as my experience went - I was always very confident with my own boundaries and knew that staying over didn't have to lead to anything. I actually lost my virginity quite late.

She obviously did lots of other things to help my self esteem and was always there for me to ask questions or share worries, but I do think her liberal attitude towards boys (friends or boyfriends) staying over helped. I knew she trusted me to do what was right for me and it helped my trust myself if you know what I mean. Just my experiences obviously but you know your daughter and you know your family smile

ApocalypseSlough Mon 23-May-16 16:55:14

BigSandy by not encouraging it, by enabling them to hang out with friends rather than date and do loads of activities and making it very clear that dating is for 16+ and that school boyfriend/ girlfriend set ups are not cool. TBF schools are not mixed where we live, so they have friends outside school rather than be in an 'everyone's dating' environment. A very small handful of their friends at school had boyfriends/ girlfriends- the vast majority were uncoupled.
I have 3 older than this teenagers btw so it's not a 'what I plan in the future' theory.

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