Am I being unfair? Discipline by new eXW & DP

[wildfish]

Okay step parents, shoot me down, flame me, barbecue me. Jammi & youcannotbeserious welcome Maybe I should have name changed!

I am expressing my initial and current feelings, rightly or wrongly.

I picked up DS (4) this afternoon, and apparently DS - told me - that new SDad was upset, because as DS was waiting for me he opened the inner door (of a flat type block safe place - second intercom door) and closed it, cos he thought I was there - he says he saw me in the window. He was told not to do that by SD.

Now at night, many many hours later, as he is supposed to say bye at bedtime on the phone, she says you been naughty today, (she says its not my business on what) and then makes him explain to her why he was naughty, he says he thought I was at the door, but she says when she or DP say no, he must listen, and then when he says sorry, she puts DP on phone and he has to agree he was naughty again and apologise to DP, who says you are nice most of the time, but naughty some of the time. She then comes back on and says when anyone, especially her or him say no, he must obey.

DS says to me they will be happy now, and when they say no, they mean no.

Note before new DH SD, there was no such absolute discipline. New DH became DH about 2 weeks ago, and was new DP 3 months now.

Okay so its my DS, and she is an X, and he is new DH (who I haven't met yet), and surely I am biased, and I have different levels of no means no (only for the most dangerous or bad behaviour). But I still feel annoyed that DS was made to say sorry to both over such a trivial thing to me, at bedtime over the phone so many hours later.

Go on set me straight - I'm new to this. No doubt over reacting to this, and it really isn't my business. (but still annoyed)

[edam]

I'd be irritated too. Partly because it seems a bit mean and OTT and partly out of knee-jerk 'don't you dare have a go at MY son' reaction.

Not sure there's much you can do about it, though.

[wildfish]

Should add this is the 3rd time he has had to apologise in front of me.

once for not liking a toy new DP (not DH at the time) bought and saying so

other for not going out to the car to say hello to DP/DH (when he was sick-throwing up)

So it is bugging me, especially if new DH is encouraging it vs XW going mad.

[Mercy]

SOrry but I'm really confused as to who is who in your op.

Who is 'she' in para. 4?

[umberella]

you aren't being unreasonable.

they sound like they are trying too hard to ram new DH's new 'status' down DS's throat.

[wildfish]

Sorry lol, using all these expressions.

One - she is Ex-Wife (xW), mother of DS.
New DH/DP is her new partner (just married).
SD (I meant Step Dad - not sure what is right there) her new DH.
DS - our son.

[duomonstermum]

i don't suppose there's any way you could all agree what is acceptable??? although i do get the impression that might not be an option as a stepmum the hardest thing to do is to tell off DSDs, esp in the beginning. i have never changed the house rules and DS has to abide by the same rules so that has never been a problem where we have bother is when ex punishes DSDs by gounding or what ever she decides to do. we try to keep to it so that they know that even though DH and ex aren't together they still know whats going on. unfortunately this seems to be a one-way street cos when DH trys to ground them she lets them off..... then she wonders why she has no control over them now they just pick the rules that suit them which is a pain seeing as they are now teenagers....

[wildfish]

duomonstermum: fair point, but I don't think we will agree tbh though. Before she was the more lax, I was the more strict. e.g. simple example at the start, I would for example insist he eat at the table, she told me there would be "no stupid rules" at hers - and he did follow the different rules at different places. So you can see we seem to have been opposing from day 1. But since her new DP arrived, she'd become obsessed with making him follow new rules strictly, which seem the other side of me now!

[duomonstermum]

tis a pain i agree. any chance you could go behind exs back meet with new stepdad?? he might be feeling awkward about it all. it really pissed DHs ex off when we met stepdad without her but it did make some of the discipling easier cos at least he agreed with us!! we sorta stalked bumped into him at the pub. it sounds mean but we've cut ex out of the loop and agreed on the absolute basics between the 3 of us. to be fair he takes care of them more than she does because she works mid-afternoon til midnight or so, so she's not really there after school so it falls to him to keep law and order. the DCs now live with us semi-permanently so if we didn't agree on the basics they'd walk all over us

[wildfish]

dumonster: sorry not well. Trouble is I am not sure how the new DH is, whether he is reasonable or the powerhouse behind the new aggressiveness directed in this direction. I am suspicious he is the powerhouse.

Take this: DS mum (exW) was always against private education. Said it developed complexes. So I've enrolled DS into normal state school (show no interest in which one, she said "well you're handling it, just do it" whenever I tried consulting on which school).

Now I hear from her she is looking at private schools, because her DH says he wants private education. And when I say looking, she was looking at 4 schools, trying to decide which was good and look for property nearby to move to.

Suddenly, me, who has to do everything upto now is now being treated as invisible, and being told this is how it is! Remember DS stays with me not her. Maybe I am paranoid but it smells of a larger plan.

[madmuggle]

You need to let her know that she can consult but not decide on the school issue. More to the point, her partner has no say whatsoever. Good luck!

[wildfish]

lol what timing, were you listening or something?

I just had a discussion bordering or heated discussion. She seem absolute that they now speak with one voice, so he has a say through her. And that I should fund it my half.

If anyone has read my other information, you would know that DS is no way ready for private education. And all though I am in favour of private education, if he gets in a good state primary school, then I think the good primary school will provide a more varied input for these young years.

It ended with her saying we should discuss this too at mediation. eh? I am seriously peeved. Who the F h* does he think he is. And her attitude is one of doting wife, what happened to being a doting mother first???? Where does her son prioritise in this. Damn she was so against any level of private education, now a few words from her DH and she is so in favour. Arrgggggggggggghhhhh does she even think whether DS is ready for it (socially and emotionally) her answer is tutors.

Sorry you got me at the edge of the tornado.

[madmuggle]

It would appear that your ex has developed a wonderful case of losing her identity. Unfortunately she also seems to think she's allowed to give away her sons and expects you to go along with it.

Stand firm, do what is best for your son and know that at least one madmuggle has her fingers crossed for you

[duomonstermum]

fingers crossed for you too. i would point out that since he's with you the vast majority of the time you know what would suit him is it poss to humour her by saying you'll think about private if and when it becomes something that might be suitable but that if she's so keen on it she really should be trying to fund it herself..... no? not an option???

i think the most important thing is that you find the school that suits him. as a parent that's all you can do and i really don't see the point in putting all that pressure on such a young child. i'm now at the stage of looking at high schools for DS and it is not easy.... and that's with him being in one of the best local state schools.....(which we moved house to be near but shhhh if the PTA twigged we might get tutted at lol)

[wildfish]

Thanks guys for the support. I've just been forced for the last 3 hours in talking to Mr New DH. Madam X refused to talk with me directly and sent me through him, gave my number to him, who called me with a withheld number, then proceeded in very lawyer like to lay out his position.

Having heard Mr Lawyer talk, very aggressively at first, then all his statements, I realise she has been spouting HIS sentiments for the last few months.

To be honest I am shocked, I thought she was a stronger person than this.

He is the disciplinarian powerhouse - not her I now realise (Obviously his home his rules - not my place to argue, except he seems absolute that my DS is not behaving properly - cos he didn't say hello on the phone today to him !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Other statements he made were word for word stuff she has said to me.

I feel deflated. I have years and years to deal with this. Wonderful surface talk, but shocked that there is a new boss in town, and the old one has just capitulated.

madmuggle: your ex has developed a wonderful case of losing her identity

You are so spot on. How has she done this. She was so strong willed, so her own woman. Its like a magic spell. Sorry I am in shock.
Is this normal?

[madmuggle]

Utterly, infatuation can cause all sorts of issues, but this is one of the worst things about it.

I suggest that you just write a letter making your thoughts clear. He may have rules in his own home, but as YOUR son resides in YOUR home for the majority of the time it is for the most part YOUR call as to the major decisions. Keep strong

[Youcannotbeserious]

Well, Wildfish - this is one I'm going to agree with you on.

This new DH has no right or reason to be disciplining a child that is not his so early on.

Even now (we are 10 years down the line) I will ALWAYS check with DH to see if the children are / aren't allowed to do something. This may be my house, but they are his children. Our most recent 'issue' was DSD1 bring boys upstairs (as part of a mixed group). I wouldn't have ben allowed to do that in my parents house and, TBH, didn't feel at all comfortable with it in my house, so I texted DH (I was solely looking after the kids) and asked if he was OK with it. He was, so I left it go.

Even when I'm in sole charge of the DSDs, unless I think they are in danger in some way, I will capitulate to DH or DH's Ex.

As for him 'talking' to you. If he's not going to listen to you, as DS's father, then I wouldn't bother. If your Ex won't speak to you, it's her problem.

One thing your son will need is consistency. As you are the primary care giver, make a list of 'rules' and e-mail them to your ex.

Personally, if someone phoned my DSDs so late and made them apologise for something after the event, I'd have put the phone down for them!

See,,,, I'm not all bad!

[paros]

Tell him to fuck off and go have a kid of his own to screw up and leave yours alone . If he wants private let him pay for the whole thing see if he likes it then silly tosser . Sounds to me like he is a control freak and she is scared of him . Stick up for your darling child and tell them to go forth and multiply.

[madmuggle]

Actually, I'd advise them against multiplying as he sounds like an utter tosser

[paros]

actually you have a good point there . but he sounds like a wanker anyway so that is probably the best thing for him LOL

[edam]

Oh, I really, really wish you could tell him exactly what Paros said. The hateful little bully. Grrr.

[paros]

On a serious (sp) note I really would write everything down . It might come in usefull in the future if you need it .

[Surfermum]

They way we look at it is that dsd's mum might not do things the way we would, she might have different rules and boundaries - but that's down to her mum. We don't interfere with what goes on at home and anything that happens there and needs sanctions etc is dealt with there.

And by the same token, what happens when dsd is with us is down to us. We wouldn't dream of phoning dsd and telling her off for something that happened here. It's all done and dusted by the time she leaves us at the end of the weekend.

I wouldn't go issuing lists of what is and isn't acceptable to you, because you may find that just gets you into a conflict. Just continue as you have been - you're obviously doing a great job bringing up your little boy. They're entitled to their opinion about things - but you don't have to do what they are asking. Just listen and take on board anything you might agree with, but ignore the rest.

I'm normally an advocate of everyone talking to each other - but in this case I'd be refusing to talk to him. Deal with your ex not him. If she doesn't want to that's down to her. It's one thing getting to know each other and chatting about the weather, but when a new step-parent - in fact even a long-standing - starts dictating how a child should be brought up it's not on. He needs to butt out, but it sounds like he won't so I'd just IGNORE, IGNORE, IGNORE.

You have my sympathy, this sounds like a really difficult situation for you.

[Youcannotbeserious]

But, Surfermum - Did you not agree the basics of 'acceptable behaviour' for your DSKs?

I met with DH's ex and we agreed what was and wasn't ok (the kids were young, as Wildfish's son was) - Or, to be closer to the mark, DH's Ex told me what was and wasn't OK in her book and I followed that.

That's what I meant about having a list - it's not a dictate, just to provide consistency..........

Otherwise, I agree that any step parent shouldn't be dictating rules and also agree that what happens in our house stays in our house - we would not phone the skids at DH's ex to complain and neither would I expect her to call our house to complain to the children.

[wildfish]

Oh writing down: Must remember, sometimes I get wound up that I think I must take notes, try to wind down and keep forgetting - that makes no sense does it!

I do understand the more tricky position a step parent has, and that well if me and his mum can disagree on parenting then I am sure so will a Step parent. I do respect others rights to discipline within reason But I will get annoyed that a 4 year old is classified naughty by not accepting a new step parent 100% after meeting them for 3 weeks, e.g. not liking a toy or not wanting to talk on the phone to them. I mean if he was scribbling on their walls (I might be chuckling inside ) but he will find out its wrong. I've noticed the latest strategy on their part, is emotional pressure: mummy very upset, mummy is crying. Personally I prefer the positive approach not negative ones - but what would you expect from an accountant and lawyer .

And the guy is an arrogant - he has no kids, has taken total control (so no DS mum to put a damping on it) and thinks he knows how my DS needs to fixed - total obedience. That irks me - like how does he think he is a ready made child expert. (I did politely point out that he has no experience and no experience with my DS, and once he has his own DC, his absolutism might change).

Jammi: (edit: I re-read and understand what you said there). I'm not against private education. I normally am biased towards it.

We've also missed the intake this year.
But also the reasoning seemed very unfair, if her future kids are going private, so should DS (that part fair), I should take a loan (not so fair), and what about any future kids I have (). My plan is 80-20 for secondary private - though.