Mumsnet Talk

. . . but I don't.

Just found out that I'm pg with DC3 after taking morning after pill. (We have DS age3 and DD 18mths and had not planned to have any more). We did discuss the possibility of the pill not working and both said termination wouldn't be an option for us.

However I told him last night that I'd done a pos pregnancy test and to cut a long story short he basically wants me to have an abortion. He says we are not good enough parents to cope with three children, we've just got our lives back on track after DD being born and I had a very hard time bonding with DD which was a horrible time.

I feel totally shocked and let down. I knew he wouldn't be at all pleased but expected him to feel like me - that it wasn't what we planned and far from ideal but we'd get through it and stick together and take responsibility for our actions. He thinks our relationship won't survive.

How can this ever be resolved? I can see his point - we need a bigger house and car, I wouldn't be able to go back to work so money would be very tight BUT I feel in my heart that those problems can be overcome one way or another.

I should mention we had two losses prior to DS being born so how can I possibly now terminate this pregnancy just because it is inconvenient?

Ultimately, its your body & your choice. But hwo would you feel if he pushed you to it? I mean, if he says he would leave if you didnt terminate?

What was the reason for the MAP? Was it a mutual "caught up in the moment" or a complete accident with contraceptive? Not that it really matters, but id be interested to know if he was happy to rely on the MAP as your only contraceptive in this instance.

Would your relationship survive if you had an termination when you didn't really want to?

As maduggar says it's ultimately your choice and your body, you have to feel comfortable with any decision you make.

Tough one... he thinks the relationship won't survive if you have another child. Is it going to survive if you are pressured into doing something you clearly don't want to do?
He needs some time to adjust and you both need to talk about it in much more depth without having a row.
At the end of the day he has a responsibility to the child that he has helped create, a brother or sister to your 2DC... wether he likes it or not.
Do you have other family you can get support from? x

It was a caught up in the moment lack of condom incident. He accepts it was as much his doing as mine.

If he said he'd leave me (which I doubt he would) I would have the termination.

I just feel that if I have the baby every time things are tough he'll be thinking (and probably saying) "well you wanted to have him/her". But will I always resent him if I do decide to have an abortion?

I think I would to be honest.

Perhaps he'll come round to the idea a bit. I have had two days for it to sink in. He's only had a few hours.

You need to talk far more about this

You will never forgive him if he forces you to do this 'because he would leave'

He will never let you forget you 'chose to have this baby'

You both need to understand each others position and then discuss and possibly have some counselling. This will be life changing for ou whatever you do

Yes have family who would support us/me whatever the outcome.

He thinks it is best for the 2 DC not to have another sibling.

Gosh what a difficult time. I can see your point of view but also his - you weren't intending to have another child but had an accidental pg, then the MAP and you're still pregnant. It's not what either of you agreed to or wanted.

Can you have some counselling together so that you are both at least accepting of your choice? While going ahead with a termination you don't want can be fatal to a relationship, carrying on with a pregnancy that he doesn't want is going to leave you feeling very unsupported and isolated.

And can I suggest he has a vasectomy after this, whatever happens?

I just can't see a happy ending. Part of me just wants to have a termination asap and forget about it all but I know that won't really work out.

The "best for the 2 DC not to have another sibling" is rubbish IMO, btw. That's clutching at straws. There are enough real, practical issues to focus on without grabbing baseless arguments out of the ether. But he's probably just panicking; as you say, he's only just heard.

Message withdrawn

Agree with Riven. Scenario 1. You have a termination that you deeply resent having to do because you don't want to terminate. You then start resenting your DH, and move further and further away from him.

Scenario 2. You discuss with him how it could work. Fact is you are pregnant (congrats, but the way) and this child is his as much his as the others. Could he be in shock?

Do you need a bigger house? I had this idea, but last night was sort of case in point. Had major building work done over past few years including a loft extension. But last night, we all ended up in same bed

Your DH seems to be concerned about logistics of having another which is fair enough, but have you told him that you definitely don't want a termination?

It is your body, your choice, NOT his.

I've never met a person yet who had a termination because the partner or husband wanted it who wasn't regretful.

If he really didn't want anymore children he'd have taken some responsibility for that and had the snip.

I would suggest you speak to someone and be certain in your mind what you want. Then he can do the same. As you said he hasn't had as long as you to get his head around it.

Can I ask what has changed from when you took the morning after pill?

I agree with those that say it is your choice and you will probably resent him if you go ahead with something you don't want to do.

I know someone who was in the exact same position as you. She had the termination and she never got over it. They broke up about a year later, after lots of anger and hurt. It was a really sad period for us all.

Hopefully, I have not upset you and I can understand what a tough decision it will be for you, whatever you decide.

Please make sure you know what you are doing if you decide to bring the baby into the world against his wishes.

YES, it is your body, but no, it is not your choice alone.

By having a baby he doesn't want you are going to deprive that baby of his/her fathers love. You are making your husband responsible for a baby he doesn't want. You cannot say he will grow to love it, or he will fall in love as soon as it is born, because that may not happen!

Bonding WILL suffer, their relationship will suffer.

I was unwanted, by my mother. A termination wasn't an option, although she did try to cause herself to miscarriage several times. My father wanted me so much, that she was convinced to have me.

She couldn't hide the fact that she didn't love me. That she didn't want me. My parents broke up when I was 6, and I spent my childhood being rejected, treated very differently to my 3 siblings. Never feeling loved, or wanted. The only times I did was when I saw dad, which, because of my vindictive mother, wasn't often.

You have to think about all the possibles here. What if you do have the baby & your dh just can't accept your choice? What if he leaves & refuses to see dc3, but will happily have the other 2. What about child support, should he be made to pay for a baby he didn't want?

You have to stop thinking about what is best for either of you & think about the baby. Can you bestow a legacy of parental rejection on it?

Because even at 36, it still hurts like hell to be rejected by a parent.

well be honest - do you think that a man who would threaten to leave because you refused to have a termination is really the type of man you need in your life?

If you want to have this baby then it's your body and your choice. He was there at the conception, he chose not to take responsibility for you not getting pregnant, so now that you are he needs to either step up and take responsibility for his child or not let the door hit his arse on the way out.

I don't agree with the suggestion of going for counselling tbh unless you want to have an abortion. But if not then pregnancy is a fact of life, he should know having fathered two children already that having sex equals potentially having babies. It doesn't take counselling to deal with that IMO.

'You are making your husband responsible for a baby he doesn't want.'

Um, he is responsible just as much as she is.

If HE did not want anymore children he should have had a vasectomy.

Sorry you had the upbringing you had, but making a woman feel guilty for not wanting to have an abortion isn't helpful.

I agree, wannabe.

I'm not trying to make her feel guilty, not at all! But she has to look at it from every angle! For the child's sake!

Message withdrawn

i just want to say one thing - my brother (no.3) was unplanned and my dad wasnt too happy about it, but he arrived nonetheless and i couldnt imagine life without him. please think about this very carefully x

she doesn't have to do anything, differentname.

if she's with someone who'd actually leave his own family because of what was also his own irresponsibility then he's not worth the time of day, really.

The OP's DH has not threatened to leave her.

To be fair to him, he only found out last night she was pregnant and this is after the MAP, and would hazard a guess that he's in shock.

I suppost it boils down to whether you want another baby more than you want to keep your family together, if it would cause a split.

You are obviously torn and yes it's a hard decision but it should be based on what is best for the whole family imho and not just how you feel at this moment in time.

There is nothing wrong with the way he feels, he's seeing it more from the practical side and obviously remembers what an awful time you had, to have a (now) settled life disrupted in this way is obviously very worrying for him and he is thinking about the impact on you too.