Fiance has really upset me, don't know what to do

[AcidRainDrops]

I am due to get married in 3 months time. I have two boys to a previous relationship (aged 12 and 14) and DD to current partner (aged 2).

Anyway as we're going through the details of the wedding last night Fiance asked if there was any chance my boys could stay at their dad's on the day of the wedding.

I actually thought I'd misheard him at first and asked what he meant. He did his usual "giggle to make my comments seem less offensive" before saying "don't take this the wrong way...but when I imagined my wedding I imagined my parents, my children, my friends...not a load of baggage from the wife's last marriage" he then giggled again and said "that sounds bad but you know what I mean...?"

I was really upset, held back tears just incase he was simply having a laugh and said "don't be stupid, I want my kids there" and he looked away and said "oh, well its up to you I suppose, I just thought it would be nice if it could just be me, you and DD".

I said it would never just me me, him and DD as my two older children would always come first and if he didn't want them, he didn't want me either so he stood up and said "oh don't be so dramatic, I was only saying".

I was really upset by it and all sorts was going through my mind, he acted as if nothing had been said so I was left wondering if I over-reacted and I decided to forget about the comment but then this morning he brought it up again, did his stupid giggle and said "I don't know what my parents will think on the day, I doubt they imagined my wedding day stood there with someone elses kids either" he then looked at me and laughed as if it was a huge joke we should both be sharing.

Am I being too sensitive? please be honest because at the moment, I'm actually wondering if we should be getting married at all.

[milknosugar]

no way would i marry him. you are not being over sensitive, you are seeing what he really thinks of your kids. i think he is making you choose between them and him. marrying him with them there will be a compromise, it wont be putting them first. sorry you are going through this

[MatNanPlus]

and and

Not helpful but i am at a loss

[SoupKitchen]

You are not being insensitive, He is being a pig.
Your Dc are part of you, he needs to wake up and realise this or TBH I would seriously reconsider marrying him.
You need to sit down and discuss how serious his comments are and possible implications of his feelings.
for you that he has left it this long for his feelings to be aired.

[OverMyDeadBody]

Oh my gosh.

You are not over-reacting at all. If he's marrying you he's taking on the whole package, and if he views them as extra baggage that he is embarrassed to be seen with then I'd be very concerned tbh.

If I was in your situation, this would have alram bells ringing for me and I would reassess whether I wanted to commit to a man who viewed my children this way.

I am a single mum and if someone didn't see my child as having every right to share in big days with me I would not marry them.

[Ivegotaheadache]

Oh my god!
How long have you been together? And what's he like with your boys generally?

[bev1e]

You are not being over sensitive! And to refer to your children as "baggage from the wife's last marriage" is outrageous. Think you need to talk about this before it's too late!

[Lizzylou]

I would have retorted that your parents would probably have hoped you'd be marrying a kind and decent man!
He is being a dick. You know that. I think you need to get this cleared up now as it is not an acceptable way for him to behave. If he cannot understand that you love all of your children equally, then I'm sorry but I would not be marrying him.

[sakurarose39]

I would have smacked him and his stupid giggle into the back of beyond. What a wanker. am and for you.

[OverMyDeadBody]

If this is what he's saying before you get married imagine how much worse it will get after you are married!!

You can't marry someone who in all likelihood is going to slowly push your boys furhter and further out of the picture.

[3littlefrogs]

Thank goodness he has shown his true colours before the wedding. Listen to your gut feeling. Your boys are part of you - not "baggage". That is a horrible way to refer to children IMO.

[Freckle]

Well, he clearly sees your family as being him, you and your dd. Your DSs are "extra baggage" that he doesn't consider to be a proper part of your family. I would be having serious second thoughts about whether I want to have this person as my life-partner.

[mylovelymonster]

That's a great shame. I'm sorry he's being so incredibly childish. I can't advise you on this, it's too important. You have to do what you think is right. Good luck.

FWIW, my sister has a daughter and when she married new man, the ceremony was not just about the two of them but about her DD too and about them becoming a family.

[Ivegotaheadache]

I agree with what's he going to be like after the wedding.
Once he's got you down that aisle (so to speak) you hav eto make sure he won't treat you boys badly/differently/

[Mungarra]

I'm sorry, but I don't think you're over-reacting. He should be taking on your children when he marries you. And to refer to your children as 'a load of baggage' is awful.

Children can be made miserable by having a step-father who doesn't like them. However, you already have a child with him so it's more complicated than just dumping him.

If he tries to exclude your sons before you're even married, what would he be like when you're married?

I don't know your financial/housing situation, but I would think more than twice about marrying him.

[PertweeAndLemon]

If he doesn't regard your DSs as part of the family then he's not the right man for you to be marrying, IMO.

[AcidRainDrops]

Thanks, its good to know I'm not over-reacting.

Its my own fault I suppose, i have seen signs of this in the past but brushed them off.

Last year he wanted us to book a family holiday, I went and bought a load of brochures and then we went to the travel agents to book a week in Mexico. As the travel agent asked who was going he gave his name, mine and then DD's. I said "what are you on about, what about ds1 and ds2?" and he said "will they not be with their dad??" he then went in a mood saying it would be far too expensive for us all to go and it wasn't fair to DD as the boys have already been abroad and she hasn't etc and because I "Insisted" on the two boys coming, I was depriving DD of a holiday. He later made out that I had it all wrong and he'd wanted the boys to come all along, he assumed I wanted a break from them etc etc and it was turned around to be all my fault.

Another time we were talking and he did that stupid bloody giggle and said "of course, its only natural for a man to favour his own child in some ways, there is a bond there that you just don't get with other people's kids, nobody can deny that". I told him I would never want the kids to experience favouritism so he said "oh no it would all be discreet, like if one of the boys was given a fiver, DD would be given a tenner...that sort of thing". I said "are you taking the piss or what?" and he said "well they have their own dad don't they! who else has DD got?" etc and again he turned that around on me and made out that I favoured DD as Id always wanted a girl.

[Jux]

Please please, how would he feel if he were in your position. He is excluding your boys. How is he going to be with them if he doesn't want them around on your wedding day. This is really really serious. You must think very very carefully before you go any further with this guy.

[Lizzylou]

ARD, he sounds like a total insensitive and immature man. For the sake of all your children, sort it out.

[3littlefrogs]

He sounds manipulative and a bully. Do you think he would be a good stepfather to your boys?

Is he the kind of person you would like your dd to marry when she grows up?

I have 2 teenaged boys, and IME boys need good male role models and loads of loving discipline - will he provide that?

Where does their dad fit into this?

[2point4kids]

Does he live with you at the moment? and do your sons live with you too?
How does he treat them now?

It honestly sounds as though he thinks that by marrying you it will become a 'new' family of you, him and dd.
Doesnt seem like he thinks the boys are part of his family at all from what he has said.

He is marrying you and making a family with all your children. If he doesnt even want them there on the wedding day then will he want them around afterwards and love them/help them/be a good role model to them?
Doesnt sound like it.

You need to have a damn good talk about this and if he cant explain away his actions (do you think it could stem from his parents seeing as he mentioned them?) then you need to re-think the whole thing for the sake of your sons.

for you. I'm so sorry you are finding this out now.

[lou33]

he doesnt sound like her deserves you and your children

i would be at the very least delaying hte wedding, if not cancelling it really

i couldnt bear the thought of marrying anyone who considered my children in the same light as your p does

[Freckle]

So, this isn't just a one off, but a more open indication that he doesn't consider your DSs to be part of your family. How soon before he starts to suggest that they live with their dad? Before he starts to alienate them so that they want to live with their dad?

And it also sounds as though you are becoming very disillusioned with him, constantly referring to his silly giggle. When you are in love with someone and on the verge of committing to them for life, you accept their faults and in the main overlook them, not let them annoy you to this degree.

[fawkeoff]

he sounds like a complete wanker to be honest........why on earth did he get together with you if he has a problem with the fact that you have 2 children from a previous relationship.

This day will be important to your sons as well, you partner is going to be an official stepfather to them, and i personally think it is disgusting that he has such an attitude.

It is your choice at the end of the day, but he is a shit head and does not deserve to be called your husband IMO

[OverMyDeadBody]

also, you are already refering to some of his characteristics as bloody annoying, like his giggle. That would be another warning sign to me. If you find him annoying now, think how much worse it will be five years down the line.

Your children deserve better. You know they do.