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Should I attend this event that OW will be at?

(133 Posts)
MerricatBlackwood Sat 07-May-16 07:08:52

DH had a brief affair which I discovered about three months back. He ended it immediately and he and I are working on our relationship. Seems to be going well though obviously I have wobbly moments still.

It has not been possible for him to be NC with the OW, but he keeps his distance and tells me of any brief interactions they may have.

Now my beef is with my DH, but it's safe to say that I wouldn't be wild about how she's behaved in this situation either. I have only encountered her once since the affair was discovered and he ended it. I was prepared to see her at this event (a theatre performance with the DC) but she wasn't prepared to see me - she was expecting my DH to be there instead. It was very important to me to retain my dignity so I did not engage with her at all, in fact did not acknowledge her and focused on my DC and chatting to other people I knew there. However, after initial shock at seeing me, she then behaved very strangely - provocatively? - by deliberately coming and sitting right next to me after the interval.

I did not acknowledge this and left as soon as performance was over. I don't know what she was playing at - she knew I knew about the affair. I don't know if she wanted some kind of confrontation with me or what, but in any case, I didn't give her the satisfaction.

Since then, nothing has happened, she's not attempted to contact me or to initiate anything with DH.

However, tomorrow my DC are going to a birthday party. OW will be there with her kids. I don't know whether to take them or not. Part of me refuses to curtail my life because of her, and my DC really want me to take them. On the other hand, birthday parties are quite small, enclosed spaces and I don't know how happy I will be at being that up-close-and-personal with her, even if she doesn't attempt to engage with me. Part of me just wants to get DH to take the kids and avoid the whole thing.

DH says he's happy to take the kids or for me to do it or for the kids to just not attend - whatever makes me most comfortable. The thing is, I don't know what would make me most comfortable!

Any advice on wisest course of action?

wobblywonderwoman Sat 07-May-16 07:13:13

Can you and dh go together.

I don't think I could move past an affair so you are doing great to be so calm and in no way should you curtail your life

starburst1979 Sat 07-May-16 07:16:14

I'm a couple of years down the line from you. My kids and the ow kids attend the same school so I've been in this situation a few times.

I refuse to let the ow dictate where I take my kids. I turn up, be myself and let her get on with it. She does try the staring and she seems to be a bit ott when I'm around but I just do my best to ignore her.

Dh has nc with her so he avoids places she is likely you be...he's had to be at certain things like school plays etc it's just made him uncomfortable. Tough shit really, he shouldn't have been a cockwomble and he wouldn't be in this situation.

You and your dc haven't done anything wrong. Don't let dh/ow past behaviour impact your lives!!!!

RoobyTuesday Sat 07-May-16 07:47:57

She'll be hoping your DH turns up instead of you wont she? I suggest you go alone, keep bring as dignified as you have been so far and try to ignore.

MakeItRain Sat 07-May-16 07:50:05

Are any of the other parents going close enough to you to be able to give you support? I've always found that parents chat in small groups at children's parties. As long as you have a friend it might be ok.
I definitely wouldn't stop my children going. Out of all the other options I'd go myself I think, and just ignore her.

Imbroglio Sat 07-May-16 07:54:55

Both of you if you can.

Unescorted Sat 07-May-16 08:01:37

Like Star - I am a few years on & our kids attended the same school. I refuse to let her dictate where & what I do. If my presence makes her feel uncomfortable so be it.

Have a few prepared lines. If she approaches you "Yes? can I help you?" said properly conveys that she really ought not be there bothering you but is so polite that there is no scope for her to kick off without looking like a loon.

If she tells you that the affair is still continuing - "that's nice dear". Stay for as long as you were going to and rip your dh a new one. Or if there are people are nearby "your point is?" - as she goes to explain you can give her a shovel so she can keep digging.

Just stay polite & never approach her. You haven't done anything wrong so keep the feeling of smug moral high ground wrapped around you.

Boolovessulley Sat 07-May-16 08:32:40

Are you sure your dh is worth all of this?

He has fucked another woman and you are the one suffering whilst he pretends he actually gives a fuck about how you or the dcs feel.

I couldn't get past the affair and think you need to address the much bigger issue of how your life is going to be if you choose to stay with your dh.

The ow is real and very much a part of the equation. You are doing the pick me dance which all cheated on spouses perform.

Whatever you do about the party you are going to feel like shit, all thanks to the cheating twat you are with.

Sorry you are having to go through this.

MerricatBlackwood Sat 07-May-16 08:33:00

DH and I can't both go as one of us has to look after the eldest DC who is not going to the party. I think that'd be awful, in any case, like a public Pick Me dance.

I don't know anyone at the party I don't think, so this is part of what's causing me some anxiety- I won't easily be able to breezily chat with others, leaving me a bit isolated and exposed iykwim?

AgathaF Sat 07-May-16 08:36:23

Boolovessulley was there any need for that? The OP has made her decision for now. If you can't answer the question asked, maybe you should click off the thread.

MerricatBlackwood Sat 07-May-16 08:38:31

As I said, Boolivessully, my beef is with DH. We've got a lot of work to do and reconciliation in its early days, so who knows what'll happen. For now though, I think splitting is more painful than an attempt to work things out.

Vardyparty Sat 07-May-16 08:40:28

How old are your children? Can you drop and run?

Boolovessulley Sat 07-May-16 08:44:14

Op I understand what you are going through.
The point is his behaviour is making YOU suffer.

Whether you go the party or not you will suffer.
You go and don't know anyone so what will you do? I guarantee it will be hell for you.

He goes and you will spend the entire time anguishing over whether they flirt with each other or if she is getting a thrill out of it etc etc.

You can't both go so whatever happens will be awful for you.

This is the reality of what your dh has done.
You say he has ended the affair was that when you found out about if?

I'm not being harsh I am telling you the fact.

You dh will jog be honest with you, he will do damage limitation.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

UptheAnty Sat 07-May-16 08:46:40

I don't think you should do anything that might be too much for you. It is still very early days.

Are you concerned in any way of what may happen if your dh takes them?
Are you concerned that she may attempt to talk to him etc?
I would be wary of how it looked to her I wouldn't want to give her the satisfaction of thinking you felt unable to go iyswim.

At the theatre it is quite possible she was shocked you came..(good for you).... She may have sat behind you to test you - i.e. She was worried you might be interested in a scene and was testing the waters because she was anxious.

Will she def be there?
Does she have a dh or partner?

HuskyLover1 Sat 07-May-16 08:51:09

I actually agree with Boolovessulley No man is worth feeling like this. What a horrid situation. Not only has he cheated, but now you have to face this woman for decades. Pretending to be nice, when inside you are in knots. That's a really shitty way to have to live.

Agatha Just because you don't like someone's point of view, doesn't mean you can tell them to leave a thread! When advice is sought on here, it's best to consider many angles. That is the whole point, surely.

hownottofuckup Sat 07-May-16 08:54:06

I don't think it would be fair for your DC not to go to a birthday party because your DH had an affair.
I also don't think it would be fair for you to have to deal with the shame of his actions. Absolutely he should take them! Stay home and have a cup of tea.
If you can't trust him to behave appropriately around her at a children's birthday party/not to start the affair back up at the sight of her, I don't think you should be with him.

sparkly72 Sat 07-May-16 08:56:02

How old are kids and what type of party is it? I'm wondering if you need to stay if there is a role you can do? Offer to the mum that you will help in kitchen or something?

ScoutandAtticus Sat 07-May-16 08:57:27

Go and hold your head high. She's the one who is in the wrong and will most likely feeling as worried , if not more so than you.

UptheAnty Sat 07-May-16 08:58:23

I really think it would be more helpful for op to focus on the problem at hand.
Op has already made her choice. She is in very early days and is asking for advice on how to cope with today.
I'm sure there is a whole story that got op to where she is now but I don't see how it will help her to have to tell us it in order to gain insight from us about the question she asked.

My opinion is that there is a time for delving into the matter from all angles but I would like to suggest that the time should not be now.

Perhaps after the party when op may be in a better mental state?

TheNaze73 Sat 07-May-16 09:00:09

I think this is a tough one. You are doing far better than I would, as I'm zero tolerance on cheating & would have walked. I think you should go, your beef is all really at your partner & not the OW. Good luck

MerricatBlackwood Sat 07-May-16 09:00:40

I do need to stay as the kids are both under 6 and staying is expected. Shame as drop and run would be ideal.

I don't think DH will engage with her flirtatiously, or in any other way. Though I accept that I can no longer be 100% confident of this anymore, I do think that with this particular woman it is definitively over.

AyeAmarok Sat 07-May-16 09:03:58

I too think you should go. If this is a situation you will find yourself in again in future (and you want to stick by your DH) then I guess you need to bite the bullet.

Feel for you though, it's torture for you and he gets off scot-free. So unfair.

RandomMess Sat 07-May-16 09:04:51

TBH if you feel you really can't cope as you don't know any of the other parents I would seriously consider them not going.

You and your DH working out your relationship is more important in their lives than attending a party.

Joysmum Sat 07-May-16 09:06:55

Go and try to stay with one or 2 others or ask the hosts what you can do to stay busy.

liinyo Sat 07-May-16 09:09:11

I think you should go. If your DCs and hers are at school together there are going to be many unavoidable awkward encounters. Keep your chin up, blank her and remember YOU have nothing to be ashamed of.

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