Contacting the OW is a bad idea, right?

[IsabelleAdjani74]

DH and I have been through a couple of very rocky years and he had an affair which has been going on for a couple of months. The person he had an affair with was at school with him and they met up again about 6 months ago - her marriage was already in dire straits at the time and it was obvious to me from the outset that she was after him (I know he was stupid etc and it was his choice to have the affair) - but anyway we have decided we are going to try and make our marriage work and he has severed all ties with her.
I have never met her but at this point am dying to contact her - just basically to tell her to go and fuck herself and give her a load of abuse. Am SO angry and have never hated anyone as much as I hate her. I do have her contact details but much as I would feel vindicated and love having a go at her I think this would be an error - wouldn't it? I know keeping my dignity and not confronting her would is probably the best route to take but it is not nearly as fun as confronting her. Tell me this would be a mistake (or not!)

[Jinglebellsarenearlyhere]

Ok. I was in your position last year and sooooooooooooo wanted to tell the ow what I thought etc etc. BUT mumsnet and friends told me not to for the reasons you said. And do you know what, they were right! She was desperate for contact either with me or DH and by not contacting her I remained the 'better' person and tortured her in the process. Don't give her any power. Concentrate on you.

I found some of the advice / opinion here excellent and some best ignored but please do read some posts about deciding to stay. I have stayed with DH but it's been hard hard work, we see a therapist every week, and he has had to make some major compromises and soul searching.

[Heartbroken4]

Need to be convinced of this myself.

[Buzzardbird]

I wouldn't. For one I wouldn't give your husband the satisfaction of having two women fighting over him and secondly it was her husband she cheated on, not you.

I hope you manage to work things out. That is going to take all your energy.

[IsabelleAdjani74]

Thank you - great to hear from someone who's been there and didn't do it. I don't want to give her the satisfaction of contacting her - like you say don't want to give her the power or let her think that she is that significant to me. I think the satisfaction I would feel would be pretty short lived and then would probably feel like a bit of a twat. Also don't want to give her any grounds to contact DH to moan about me.
I have not told anyone in RL about the affair so mumsnet is my only source of advice at this point. I know that staying with DH will be challenging and we have had some very difficult conversations over the weekend but I do think we want to move on and make things work. In a way am incensed and livid about the affair but in another I know that is not really the problem - the problems were there way before he did it, and think the affair was a symptom of how bad our marriage had got, not the root cause of the problem. We both know we are going to have to make compromises - am working on him to go and see a therapist too. Hope you and your DH manage to make things work.

[happyanddappy]

I completely understand your anger (I'm angry too!!)...why don't you write all your feelings and abuse towards her in a letter, then just address it to 'bitchface' (no address or stamp on it!!) and just drop it in the letterbox - it will make you feel better without you actually confronting her.

Also, have you thought about your anger towards your DH and have you found / expressed that? Might be connected in some way...? Maybe someone else will be along with more insight into that, but I feel almost more angry (RAGE!) at the OW than at my STBXH, which doesn't make much sense, but that's how it is...

[BathtimeFunkster]

Definitely don't contact her.

She's not worth the steam off your piss.

[IsabelleAdjani74]

Heartbroken - let's both agree not to do this then as general consensus it don't do it and treat OW like irrelevance that she is, focus on making our marriages work and move on.
Whatyousee - you are right that in this case she has lost as he is staying with me. Can totally imagine how much loathing and hatred you would feel if your DH not only left you for OW but that your kids had to be involved in it and think if I was in your place and she was going to be in my and my DD's life would have to have it out with her. And whatyousee, thank you, I hope you have the chance to recover too although can imagine it is a LONG process.
And Buzzardbird - agree would be better focusing my energy on working things out rather than bickering with OW. I have also thought of contacting her H on fb - she is divorcing him on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour so think he would be very interested to know that she has basically been fucking about behind his back while pretending to be the injured party but know that is not the right thing to do either.

[OhShutUpThomas]

He's the one who cheated - not her.

[Salene]

No don't do it, the worst thing you can do to piss someone off is ignore them

She would prob love for you to contact her so she can dig the knife in a little deeper

Ignore her and concentrate on your marriage. I hope you and your husband work things out.

[IsabelleAdjani74]

Thank you Bathtime - very well put. And happy I have expressed my anger towards my DH in no uncertain terms - I know he is the one who has cheated on me but feel more RAGE at her than I do at him - it doesn't make any sense at all as anger should be more directed at him. But that's just the way I feel. Writing feelings in a letter and not sending it is a good idea though, gonna do that.

[BathtimeFunkster]

he is the one who has cheated on me but feel more RAGE at her than I do at him - it doesn't make any sense at all as anger should be more directed at him.

It does make sense.

The only role this woman has played in your life is to harm you. Why would you feel anything other than rage towards her?

Presumably your husband has brought you great happiness in your time together, so your anger with him is not straightforward moral outrage, it is hurt and betrayal and confusion.

You will still be angry with him for what he's done to your marriage long after she is someone you barely remember.

People like to tell betrayed spouses that their feelings are wrong. They are not wrong.

[lunar1]

Sod it, I'd tell her husband. He why should she get to divorce him for his behaviour when she was cheating.

Probably better to take the high road, but I'm not as good as everyone here at being the bigger person!

[IsabelleAdjani74]

Lunar - I would LOVE to tell the husband but think it is better to take the high road.
And bathtime that makes a lot of sense - thank you. I do feel like DH has betrayed me and feel more hurt than I thought was possible but as you say the happiness that we have felt together does outweigh that and I think we could possibly get back to that place - with a lot of hard work - but don't think it's impossible.

[ImperialBlether]

Oh I would tell her husband if she's divorcing him for unreasonable behaviour!

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

I was in your position about a month ago.

I texted the OW, yes. I also spoke to her long-term DP.

There's absolutely no way I could let someone do that to me and not say anything!

Yes, it was H who cheated on me - it was H who stood next to me in a suit and promised to "forsake all others". But that doesn't make the OW innocent. Far from it. She knew she was messing with a married man.

[BathtimeFunkster]

I might tell her husband too.

But I would still ignore her.

[Stumbletrip40]

I completely understand the appeal but i wouldn't do it - someone damaged and nasty enough to go after someone else's husband will just enjoy the drama, so I agree don't give her the oxygen. I'm not sure what I'd do about her H - it doesn't really matter on what grounds they're getting divorced, it'd be different if they weren't and they were still married.

[Potatoface2]

i had a bit of a breakdown and did go and knock on OW front door.....i listened to all she had to say, looked around her house, and then felt an overwhelming urge to punch the living daylights out of her.....i didnt, i got up and left....drove home and told my husband if he wanted her and her mingy house and grubby family then he was welcome.....he looked shocked (he had not seen her for 4 months)..hes still with me 20 years later.....he knew what he had to lose!.....i wouldnt say it made me feel better but i do think it made me realise to not be such a doormat!

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

Why on earth wouldn't you tell the OW's husband? How come you (the innocent party) have to suffer all of the pain and she gets away scot free, with her life unchanged?

Also reverse the roles - wouldn't you want her husband to have told you if he'd discovered the affair first?

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

Oh, sorry, I see that the OW's marriage is over anyway.

There might not be anything to be gained by telling him in that case - depending on the circumstances.

[Binders1]

I knew OW and her husband. The OW contacted me afraid of what I was going to do. I did tell her husband and it was the right thing to do and he was glad I did. I think because I knew the husband and liked him a lot, it also felt like the right the thing to do but was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I also kicked my now exdp into touch.

[Magpie18]

Another vote for telling her husband - cheats should be outed imo - I wish someone had told me!

[shovetheholly]

I think the OW in these situations often thrives on that kind of attention (even though it's very negative) and will very likely use it to get back in touch with your DH which is not what you need. You do cede significance to her by contacting her.

I think the anger you feel is very, very natural, but I do think there's displacement in these cases too. You should feel furious with your DH for putting you through this - he's the one who betrayed you and the promises you made to each other. She's incidental, really - a triviality beneath your notice. Your real problem is under your roof. However, there is a normal and natural desire to minimise that hurt and to maximise the responsibility of the OW in these situations. I'm just not sure it's helpful in the long run, because at some point that anger will come home to roost.

[ImperialBlether]

How her husband copes with their divorce will more than likely be based on the story she's told him of why they're splitting up. She's blaming him for the breakdown of the marriage and hasn't told him that one bit of significant information, which was that actually she was cheating on him. He should know this, otherwise he will never know the full truth about his marriage and divorce.