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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Decided to bring up with DH about how our sexless marriage is making me feel

134 replies

LunchpackOfNotreDame · 08/09/2015 18:24

I brought it up in at a neutral time in a calm manner. Said how I'm feeling (upset and rejected and that I place a lot of emotional value on it so to me constantly being turned down and told no says to me he doesn't want to be with me)

He exploded. His reaction was to instantly tell me our marriage was over if I can't manage with it as is and that he isn't going to change.

I feel sick. I love him a lot and can't imagine spending my life with anyone else. But on the other hand I can't live my life without Sex and without physical affection. I don't know what to do.

We have talked and haven't split up. He's just hot headed. But how do we move on from here?

OP posts:

Report

BathtimeFunkster · 08/09/2015 18:27

Your marriage is over.

It's just a question of how long it takes you to accept that.

HelenaDove · 08/09/2015 18:28

He dosent give a shit about your feelings OP.

ImperialBlether · 08/09/2015 18:29

So you tell him you feel unwanted and he shouts that if you feel like that he'll divorce you?

Has he ever been the sort of person who can talk about things calmly?

AnyFucker · 08/09/2015 18:30

Take him up on his offer.

patienceisvirtuous · 08/09/2015 18:32

Sounds awful OP.

Would he go to counselling with you?

You don't have to stay in a sexless marriage.

321rd · 08/09/2015 18:33

Wow, what harsh answers.
Would you consider trying some kind of therapy ?
My DH is has a lower sexdrive than me, we have spoken about it. He didn't explode and tell me the marriage was over.
Is there anything else that has made his reaction less surprising ?

thehypocritesoaf · 08/09/2015 18:35

Well he's told you he doesn't give a shit.

What do you think you will do now?

fuzzywuzzy · 08/09/2015 18:53

so he's not going to see GP/seek therapy or anything?

If he's happy with how he is, then the ball really is in your court, do you want to continue as things are?

QuiteLikely5 · 08/09/2015 19:01

Soooo the man who loves you exploded when you tried to tell him you were suffering as a consequence of his actions? That doesn't sound like love to me.

What are his reasons for no sex? Is he gay? Watching porn? OW? ED?

AnyFucker · 08/09/2015 19:16

Would you consider trying some kind of therapy ?

Surely the question should be would he seek some kind of therapy. And he has told her his answer to that quite clearly.

fastdaytears · 08/09/2015 19:21

Would you consider trying some kind of therapy ? for wanting a sex life? Not sure how that therapy session would go!

goddessofsmallthings · 08/09/2015 19:23

Has this 'hot headed' man ever been hot-blooded? Has he ever initiated sex with you and how long has he been rejecting your advances?

In telling you that he isn't going to change, he's put the ball back into your court and it's down to you to decide whether you want to live in a sexless marriage which will erode your self-esteem and may send you into the arms of a man who needs and enjoys sex as much as you do.

featherandblack · 08/09/2015 19:32

Sounds like he feels frightened and hurt at the bottom of that anger. I wonder why.

HelenaDove · 08/09/2015 19:49

Even if he does its no excuse for shouting at the OP. And shes hurting too

Branleuse · 08/09/2015 20:19

what a hideous hurtful reaction to you bringing up something so honestly and truthfully :(

spudlike1 · 08/09/2015 20:33

Extremely defensive and aggressive response from him ...designed to put you in your place .and shut you up probably..well done for stating how you feel
Keep going

guineapigpie · 08/09/2015 20:39

How long has your marriage been sexless? Did anything trigger it, or did the sex just dwindle to nothing? Does he not even cuddle you or show you other physical affection? Could he be suffering from erectile dysfunction and be far too embarrassed and humiliated to tell you? Or depression? Sounds like there's something he really doesn't want to have to admit to, there.

TendonQueen · 08/09/2015 20:57

So what did he say when you talked after the explosion? Did he offer any compromise, say he regrets it, anything?

SolidGoldBrass · 08/09/2015 21:16

He's made it very clear that your feelings are of little importance to him. If you don't want to leave him just yet, I suggest looking around for someone else to have sex with. (There will be a lot of waa-ing and baa-ing from other posters but ignore it.) Someone who refuses to have sex with a partner and refuses to discuss any kind of compromise has forfeited the right to insist on monogamy, and often an affair is the best way out of this sort of toxic marriage anyway - meeting someone else will boost your self-esteem enough to help you bin your selfish, dysfunctional partner.

AnyFucker · 08/09/2015 21:57

I agree with finding another sexual partner, but leave your husband first

I think he would possibly take violent umbrage to you giving your "favours" elsewhere, despite the fact he has no interest in them

TheDowagerCuntess · 09/09/2015 07:47

Another sexual partner is absolutely the answer, but do right by yourself and bin this one off first.

You know it's going to end eventually, anyway.

flanjabelle · 09/09/2015 08:03

I think on threads like this posters seem to forget that the op is massively invested in this relationship. 'Bin this one off' this is her husband, someone she has loved for many years, it's just not that easy. The heartbreak at a decision like that should not be brushed off like that.

Op you face an incredibly hard decision. Is the time and emotion you have invested in your marriage enough to make you stay even though you will be unfulfilled sexually? Or are you willing to go through the pain of your marriage breaking down to get what you need.

Long term, this can't work. You will become so resentful and hurt through the rejections and your needs not being met. The only options are to push for what you need, whether that risks him ending the marriage or to take control and leave yourself, as hard as that will be.

I really feel for you, what an awful position to be in.

I do agree with a pp that his. reaction seems to come from fear of some kind. I think he is struggling with this issue himself and has reacted explosively to protect himself from being vulnerable. That to me, means there is hope if you can break through these walls.

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AnyFucker · 09/09/2015 09:07

"If you can break through those walls" hands the responsibility rather neatly back to op

I would say the moves are in his court now. All op needs to do is decide if she can live like this, and if she can't what time frame she gives him to seek help with his problem whatever it may be

flanjabelle · 09/09/2015 09:21

Af, why wouldn't a wife want to try to work out what is going on with their husband? Most people want to save their marriages you know, I don't think divorce is exactly desirable to anyone! Its nothing to do with responsibility, its to do with two people who are supposed to be spending their lives together working through something that is very difficult for both of them. Sometimes you need to put aside the blame and try and see why someone is acting the way they are. How would you feel if the op threw away her marriage and went through the pain of divorce when it could have been fixed and there was a chance for them to work it out. It's so easy to cry ltb, but it's not great advice really for most people.

TendonQueen · 09/09/2015 09:31

But then you could also ask, why wouldn't a husband want to work this out for his wife, to save the marriage? He's saying 'This is how I am, put up or shut up'. Why shouldn't he be prepared to work through it?

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