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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Help I don't know what to do&#55357;&#56875;

156 replies

loganberry12 · 15/12/2014 09:48

Me & my husband are trying to get back together after 2 1/2 years separation. We have a 5 year old daughter & 19 year old son together. Problem I have is my older children from my first marriage don't like him & don't want us to get back together neither does my 19 year old his son. I feel like piggy in the middle they are basically asking me to choose. They were supposed to be spending Christmas with me but won't if he's there. I don't know if to just give up & not get back with him.

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Report

Hoppinggreen · 15/12/2014 09:50

Has your 19 year old said why he doesn't want you back together?
Did he help you deal with the aftermath of the break up and doesn't want to see you go through it again or doesn't think it's a healthy relationship

CogitOIOIO · 15/12/2014 09:53

I suppose it comes down to why you separated in the first place and why there is such strength of feeling. Are your older children and his own DS seeing something in this man that you're not?

loganberry12 · 15/12/2014 09:53

Exactly that he left & I was in pieces devastated so yes he has said that. Also he doesn't get on with his father they are both stubborn & argue a lot don't agree on anything

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CogitOIOIO · 15/12/2014 09:54

Why did he leave and why were you so devastated?

loganberry12 · 15/12/2014 09:55

My son is now saying if he's father is going to be there christmas he won't be. My whole family are moaning at me about it & I'm very stressed

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AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2014 09:56

Do your adult children have a point ?

loganberry12 · 15/12/2014 09:56

He said he needed space but I think it was a girl at work he had a thing for although don't think anything came of it. He didn't talk to me for weeks just left one night without an explanation.

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CogitOIOIO · 15/12/2014 10:01

The trouble with people that go around smashing up the lives of others on nothing more than an impulsive whim is that they are highly likely to do it again. Are you saying you really don't know why he left? Has he never given you the full story?

loganberry12 · 15/12/2014 10:02

No never did get to the bottom of it really

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AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2014 10:02

So, he had an affair, dumped you and you meekly waited until he decided you were good enough for him after all ?

I agree with your family. I wouldn't want him in my house.

loganberry12 · 15/12/2014 10:04

Trouble is I love him we are still married & he is sorry about the hurt he caused

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CogitOIOIO · 15/12/2014 10:05

Then, leaving the misgivings of your older children to one side for a second, that's the bare minimum requirement before you get back together with anyone. If they can't be honest with you, they have no respect for you. Properly clean slate required. Have you undergone counselling together?

How has your life been the last 2.5 years? Did you date, socialise and embrace independence? When did your ex reappear on the scene? Did he give you the space to adapt?

PulpsNotFiction · 15/12/2014 10:07

If he's never been honest with you, why on earth are you thinking about taking him back? Just take a minute to look to the future when you take him back, none of your kids are talking to you and he ups and leaves again. Then you have no husband and no relationship with your kids. Is he really worth it?
Sounds to me like life was not what he expected when he upped and left for another woman, which he most likely did, but thinks he can just stroll back into a nice comfortable life with a wife who clearly puts up with far too much shit. Don't do it love. Move on and be happy with someone else.

Twinklebells · 15/12/2014 10:07

I agree with your family too. Have him back, lose your kids and he will do it again next time his head is turned.

He's not that sorry is he, just really chuffed he got away with it and you are mug enough to take him back because you 'love him'.

loganberry12 · 15/12/2014 10:09

I haven't dated no chatted to a few guys that's all. He has been around because he has been seeing our daughter & we have slowly become friends again before we finally slept together again. I actually adapted quite well & enjoyed being single to be honest.

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Cabrinha · 15/12/2014 10:09

It's an emotive thing, and Xmas is an emotive time.
If he has any respect for you (he clearly doesn't) he will back the fuck off over Xmas.
If you genuinely want him back (and he deserves it, which I doubt) then your family cannot dictate to you.
But you're a week away from Xmas. He can wait.

Cabrinha · 15/12/2014 10:12

Oh love. So you have him sex. After he cheated on you and wasn't even honest with you in his trying to come back.
What has he actually done to win his place back?
I'm guessing: fuck all.
Don't sell yourself so short.
Only you know if it's worth giving it another go, but as a bare minimum, PLEASE expect honesty from him.

CogitOIOIO · 15/12/2014 10:12

Sounds like you're already back together so the decision has been taken. In which case you're going to have to defend your decision robustly to your older children and face the music together. I'm sure they won't soft-pedal on you the way we're doing here. Feelings are running very high, clearly. Whether you're being wise or unwise and whether your DCs are proved to be right or wrong only time will tell.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2014 10:13

He is simply suffering from the grass isn't greener syndrome

You would be a fool to be his soft landing with absolutely no effort from him to prove he is deserving of it

Sometimes "sorry " just isn't enough, and this is one of those times

He will do it again despite his pretty words and you will be left with nothing

Cabrinha · 15/12/2014 10:15

And no, he isn't sorry about the Hirt he caused. Because if he was, he would have already removed this Xmas difficulty for you. If he was truly sorry, he'd be doing everything he can to prove to you, your kids, his son, and your family that he will ALWAYS put you first now. If he shows he is truly sorry, next year your kids could be the ones saying "look, it's cool if he comes for Xmas".

Cabrinha · 15/12/2014 10:17

So - why HASN'T he said "bloody hell love, I'll give you space at Xmas, you have the kids over, and I'll just keep proving every day I'm a better man until they can accept me again"?

loganberry12 · 15/12/2014 10:18

I've just sent him a text saying if he wants it to work he's going to have to sit down & talk to his son waiting for the answer!

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CleanLinesSharpEdges · 15/12/2014 10:22

So basically you're already back with him and you want advice on how to talk your kids round?

loganberry12 · 15/12/2014 10:24

Maybe I'm not sure myself really so confused don't know what to do

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Cabrinha · 15/12/2014 10:25

I hope "talk to his son" means apologise.

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