I am struggling a bit with moving on with the end of an LTR and wanted to know if anyone can answer me the big "why" over my ex's bizarre behavior so I can try and make peace with it.
Can anyone tell me why would a person would possibly behave like this.
He was not a looker but he was a fantastic boyfriend. Kind, sweet, devoted, loving, attentive, supportive and basically everything I ever wished for and more.
He asked me to move in with him and became the most amazing stepfather to my DCs - kind to them, volunteering for bedtime stories and all that and replacing their own father who sadly disappeared when they were babies. DCs absolutely love him.
He spent years with me in a very happy life where I would have rated the relationship as 10 out of 10 on the happiness scale and he was quite vocal in expressing that he felt the same. He proposed publicly at his parents house with a tearful affirmation of how I made him the happiest he had ever been and he wanted to grow old with me.
Never once did he voice any unhappiness, any dis-satisfaction, any issues at all with me. Nor did he infer them through a reduction of affection or attention. In fact all the way through everything he said or did confirmed the opposite.
Then, very suddenly, out of nowhere, he announced randomly and without any emotion that he'd decided he didn't love me any more and proceeded to turn into the most evil, hideous bastard on the face of the planet.
He moved out and within a week joined every dating site known to man, and while there wasn't another woman he certainly went to great effort to find one and rubbed it in my face.
To make it even worse he started a smear campaign of lies - telling people around us (who were as shocked as I was) that behind closed doors that I was "crazy" and horrible to live with and tearfully told them how he had endured it for so long because of my DCs and he was so convincing that he actually ending up with people feeling sorry for him instead of me!
It was like he wanted to inflict the maximum possible pain and suferring onto me that he could inflict. He seemed angry, viscous, nasty and generally...just evil.
This happened to me a few months ago, and I just really want to find some understanding of how a person can behave like this or why they would want to.
I know people can "fall out of love" and hide it with ease if they choose to - although I do struggle with quite how convincing he was, but what I can't fathom is the cruelty and abuse towards someone who has never done anything wrong to deserve it...are some people capable of pretending to be lovely and then turning incredibly evil? Are they capable of pretending for years?
He has no history of behavior like this. For a long time I thought he had a brain tumour. His behavior since doing this has been very odd.
He started to drink very heavily, seems to not sleep very much, spends all his time on filthy chat sites or playing video games, he tells lies that are quite magnificent, is extremely manipulative and cruel.
I can't really begin to explain how much this is the opposite of the person I lived with for several years. I can't say I ever saw him be even the slightest bit nasty to anyone before.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Why would a man do this?
AmeliaPondsBaby · 20/09/2014 14:45
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Has he experienced some kind of trauma? You mentioned that you thought he had a brain tumour, has he had that checked out?
Fwiw, I don't think someone could pretend to love you for such a long period of time. He sounds like he's had some kind of breakdown. You can't help him with that though, if that's the case; he's made his position clear.
Awful situation for you
.
If he really genuinely went from amazing guy to that, then I would not rule out some sort of breakdown. Although I can't stress enough that I am in no way attempting to diagnose anything.
Or, perhaps he did have an affair - just because you have no evidence, does not mean it is a physical impossibility - people who shit all over someone they have claimed to love quite often have what is basically a self defence thing of turning their victim into a devil. It's the only way they can live with crapping all over them. The alternative is to accept they have been a complete bastard and to accept harsh truths about their character. If they are cowardly enough to sneak around behind their partner's back, they're hardly the type to be able to face unpleasant truths about their character, so they hate the person they've wronged instead.
However, nobody can maintain a pretence for years and years. Don't start thinking that your life together was a lie, it likely wasn't. At some point and probably for a long time, he loved you and was not a shit.
But for whatever reason, the person you loved does not exist any more. This person lives in his body. And you don't and never did love this person. So let this person go. They are nothing to you.
I realise that you probably feel like you need to know why, but really you can't know why unless he tells you why. Everything else is just speculation, yours or ours, and gets you no further forward. You really need to accept that he did what he did for reasons known only to himself and it was not your fault and not tie yourself up trying to figure out why, because it won't change anything and it won't give you back the life you had.
I'm sorry that you have to deal with all this. It must be extremely painful. 
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.