Why would anyone combine their money?

[Peonysandblueglass]

Hi Im about to get married, have no DCs.
Dp and I both work, im a full time student so get grants/loans to live on and Im a self employed Nanny so get money for that too.
We both go halves on all of the house hold expenses, we're also both going halves on all wedding costs, if we drive on holiday we go halves on fuel.
I can understand that when i have a baby he will support me because it will be our child.
If we joined our finances as some people seem to, I would feel like I need to justify my luxurious clothing purchases buys to hi
Or i'd be concious of everything I bought.
I like it as we have it as it feels like a power balance.
Is there something I'm missing here? Thanks.

[Raskova]

Watching with interest. I'm like you. Generally it's preferable but there are times when we work things out to be equal, where as I think that in a relationship it doesn't matter too much. I don't mind paying more here or there as long as the other person is able.

[RiaOverTheRainbow]

What a lot of people do is combine their incomes, pay all joint bills out of a shared account and divide the rest to do with as you wish.

[Lweji]

You don't have to pool resources, but you don't have to pay halves on everything.
Do what works for you, just don't fall into the trap of not working and surviving on whatever crumbs he throws your way.

[sandgrown]

Will never have joint account again after ex-DH cleared our account following the sale of our business!

[MuscatBouschet]

We combined everything on marriage because it seemed easiest. But we brought roughly equal assets, incomes and values to the table. We both buy things we want but tend to chat about it first.

Unless you share the same attitudes to saving, spending and debt you should keep things separate.

[Nanny0gg]

Do you earn the same?

If not, why do you pay half?

[Ludways]

Because we earn the same, seems pointless to have separate accounts.

[WorkingBling]

I think pre children it's perhaps not essential. But if there's a significant imbalance in earnings shared accounts ensures that both partners contributions are considered equal. I know too many women with separate incomes who inevitably earn less and as a result they have less power and spending ability. He can swan off for a boys weekend hang gliding but she has to save for months for a girls spa weekend. Similarly, inevitably large "couple" expenses like furniture or holidays land up being "subsidised" by him which creates a weird power balance. I know a man who after 10 years of marriage took the view that all the furniture, especially high cost tech items, were clearly his Alegre they divorced. That seems crap and ridiculous to me.

And when there are dc that's even more true. Too often on here the man works, earns the most and has disposable income while bizarrely the women is buying all the treats and essentials for dc from her already lower income and there is nothing left over for her.

[JonSnowKnowsNothing]

I'm with you, OP. I'd NEVER combine finances. It's one of very few aspects of my life I have complete control over.

[Moreisnnogedag]

Because DH is a sahp and it is our money. He knows how much we have per month and he has a credit card which we pay off every month. This means he can spend what he likes and I don't have to know the ins and outs.

[MorrisZapp]

I'd never share finances. We earn the same and pay half the bills each month. We have DS and that didn't change anything, I still want my own money to be mine.

We don't even share food shopping :)

We shop separately, like students. Suits me, I'm too old to change my character.

[tribpot]

I think there are practicalities - it must be a pain making sure you actually are paying half for fuel, how do you do it? Take it turns to fill up the car? What if one uses the car more than the other, how does that work?

Certainly, though, 'fun money' shouldn't be shared. How would you ever buy his birthday present? And as you say, if you feel like every extravagance is on display it would feel very intrusive.

[500smiles]

DH earns way more than I do, but I work less than him to be around for the DCs - I wouldn't want to have to ask him for money. The flexibility of my jobs means that he can earn what he does, therefore I am helping him earn it, so it is "our" money.

[WorkingBling]

More - great name! I was repeating that to myself endlessly last night while lying on the floor with ds who had a terrible cold. Thank god it was better today!

[Forester]

I think it depends on whether you both have a similar attitude to money.

Except for ISA's which can't be joint all my and DH's money is in a single pot. When we started the relationship I had some savings and he didn't so originally I kept those separate but after we'd had DD it seemed silly to keep it separate.

Our incomes are relatively similar - originally I earned more but now I work PT and DH has a better job it's the other way round. We both buy what we want without justifying it to the other one (except for big purchases but that would be a joint decision anyway) - but both of us are naturally cautious (tight!) with money so neither resents what the other one spends. Hence my opening comment.

[OddBoots]

It is different before having children, I can understand why you'd not want to at this stage.

[Matilda03]

We got a joint account after we got married. I really like it mainly because DH is A LOT better with money than me. We were earning the same but after a promotion he earns more. It has really curbed my spending, I am a lot more careful with money because I'm not just spending mine which makes me more aware if how much I was wasting! We also save so much more as we have shared goals: children, car, etc, rather than me blowing all my income on clothes every month!!

[500smiles]

Those who don't pool money and have DCs - how does it work when you are paying for stuff for them?

[BillyBanter]

Different things work for different people. You do what suits you and they can do what suits them. People's circumstances can vary widely.

eg. getting married at 18 compared to 2nd marriage where one has children, or getting married in your 40s and both of you own properties and many many more combinations.

[Peonysandblueglass]

Thanks, he has a daughter he pays 15% of his wages to her through maintenance, I see what you mean about going halves when I earn/am in receipt of less than him, but I am happy to go halves. This may sound weird but I think as hes 10 years older than me he has worked hard to get to a place where he can afford to work part-time and if I was the same I would be annoyed to have to pay a larger proportion just because they weren't as far along in their career as me!
I know it might sound bonkers, Im happu to be corrected, but it's just what I feel comfortable with.

[AnaisB]

I work 2.5 days a week and stay with kids on the other 2.5 week days. DH earns 10x more than I earn. If we shared bills 50/50, and had individual finances, it would be ridiculous - I would have nothing left and he would be loaded.

I don't justify my spending to him. (Although it is an expensive item we will discuss it together.)

[Nocomet]

Because we were both students, we both had pretty much the same amount of not a lot.

[AllMimsyWereTheBorogroves]

We have everything in common. A very few things are just in one name but that is for tax reasons or because a joint account isn't available. We regard it all as joint. It works for us because as others have said we have a very similar attitude to money, spending, saving, risk etc etc. We have been married for well over 30 years and it's all been fine. When I was a SAHM there was no awkwardness as we both regarded his salary and the child benefit as our family income which we could each drawn on as we needed to. Big expenditure was a joint decision anyway. When I went back to work part-time, bringing in a lot less than him, still fine. I earned more than he did before the children came along and in our view it all evened out in the long run.

However, if the marriage had been a bit rocky or if one of us had been a saver and the other a spender, none of this would have felt safe and we would have been much better off keeping it all separate.

[Peonysandblueglass]

Yes in that case Anais I can understand it. We both live very simply and contentedly surrounded by friends and we value time over money so it's not an issue. I think when we have children this will change but I can never imagine feeling happy with asking for money

[MinesAPintOfTea]

We've each had times of being the earner and legally its shared money anyway. I do have separate savings accounts, but that's for tax reasons ATM.

Just don't fall into the trap of halves being fair if one of you takes a career/earnings hit for the sake of the wellbeing of the partnership.