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DH is such a horrible nasty drunk

(695 Posts)
AhoyMcCoy Sun 09-Feb-14 00:57:50

DH is wonderful when he's sober. And lovely charming and funny before about 10 pints. But he will go out and drink close to 30 pints (genuinely) and he's so awful - really aggressive and nasty.

Last few weeks it's been the same thing, goes out says he will be home by X o clock. That time comes and goes, I hear nothing. 20+ missed calls/texts and he eventually comes home smashed. The next day is always the same- so contrite, promising it won't happen again. It's happened three times now in a month. It's not the drinking I have a problem with as much as the lack of contact. He will literally ignore his phone all night and I worry. He's promised a billion times he'll stay in touch from now on.

I'm 5 months pregnant (DC1) and tonight was my first night out with the girls since I found out. Had a lovely night and left them all at midnight to get a cab home. As soon as the cab drove off, I realised I didn't have my keys. DH had been out since 7, and hadn't text me once (despite the hourly reminders he had set on his phone to make sure he did, after I'd explained how much it bothered me). Got hold of some friends who were with him, and he got a cab home. I was sitting on the doorstep shivering and he didn't even look at me. Just opened the door, turned round and got back in his cab.

Didn't ask if his pregnant wife was ok after half an hour in the freezing cold. Nothing. Looked at me like I was scum and left so he could go back drinking with his mates.

It doesn't bode well for him being a good/caring dad, does it? He really doesn't care about anyone but himself. I'm in absolute pieces.

kaykayblue Mon 16-Jun-14 10:04:11

I want to apologise - I am new to the forum and didn't notice the hundreds of newer posts on this thread!

McCoy - I mean this kindly, but there is always, always something to hold on to. A tiny, tiny sliver of a thread somewhere in the future that you hope might "change" your partner. I promise you now that it never arrives. Your husband will continue to disappoint you, and you will continue to shift the benchmarks. You will keep saying "One more chance" and keep giving more. That is, if you decide to stay.

Your husband promised - on the life of his child that he would not touch a drop whilst you were pregnant. And now he is going out getting wasted on the regular. His promises mean nothing. His words mean nothing to him. He will promise you whatever you want, because he has no intention of keeping it!

I know you must be so uncomfortable, and tired, and fed up of being pregnant, and maybe worried about the birth, but it would be so much better to go and stay with your mum or your sister now. If you go into labour, you will want someone to be there for you. Maybe your sister has had children before and will be able to help? And definitely your mother!

It will be so much easier to move before the baby arrives than after. Afterwards you will continue to make all sorts of excuses, and it will go on for YEARS.

Do you really want that for a life?

glasgowstevenagain Sun 15-Jun-14 22:34:52

I think I suggested involving the police in February.

A historic crime is still a crime.

He has assaulted you

Subtext Sun 15-Jun-14 20:20:28

I am the child of an alcoholic.

My childhood was full of fear, dread, chaos, dysfunction. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Your child will not thank you in years to come for subjecting them to that.

Why do people think it's better to inflict a dysfunctional relationship with a shit parent on a child, rather than create a safe and loving environment for them?

It's not better to have mum and dad together if dad's a drunk loser.

kaykayblue Sun 15-Jun-14 19:53:08

Ahoy - Please think seriously about what I'm going to say, because I am genuinely worried about you.

Please, please go and read some of the threads from women who have come out of abusive relationships, and do a little reading on emotional abuse. The situations that you have described and you OH's behaviour are not normal. You might have got used to it after so long together, but please please understand that it is NOT normal.

Drinking that amount in excess is a drinking problem. Not all alcoholics are the stereotypes of reaching for the bottle every morning, or being drunk the entire time. Alcoholics simply can't control their relationship with alcohol, and this absolutely fits the behaviour of your husband. The fact he can go months without drinking doesn't matter. The fact is, when he drinks, he cannot stop. He cannot exercise self control, and that is a drinking problem. You have spoken to him about this, and it has changed nothing, because drinking is more important to him. It's a sad, cold truth, but it's the truth. The manner in which he treated you when you were locked out the flat is flat out unacceptable. That is an understatement. Imagine you have a daughter. Now imagine in a number of years time that her partner treated her like that. You would be livid with rage. Don't treat yourself any differently.

Abusive people can often try and "hide" the fact they are complete arsefucks by blaming it on alcohol. It's easy to say "I was drunk!You know I would never do that sober!". That's not what alcohol does. And I think deep down you know that.

You mention that during rows he has pushed you. That is abuse. No man, NO MAN EVER has the right to lay their hands on you. Pushing, hitting, kicking, it's the same thing. Pouring water on you? That made me furious. How degrading can you get?

You have said that you need to modify your own behaviour to prevent "things from escalating" (not drinking). That is not right. That is a huge trigger as an abusive relationship, and combined with the other things...

Please go and stay with your parents, or leave, or do something. But please do not stay with him right now.

Here is an anecdote for you. A real one. One of the most charming, "adorable", friendly and generally wondering man that my parents had ever met was a man we will call....David. David was married to a friend of my mothers. He beat her for YEARS, but only when he had been drinking to begin with. Then he started drinking more and hitting her more. Then he just stopped with the drinking excuse and would beat her stone cold sober. She stayed with him because the rest of the time he was so wonderful, and whenever she even raised a slight concern about the relationship people would say "but he's so wonderful!".

She left - years later - after he hit her daughter. Iin fact, she smashed him over the head with a lamp as she was worried he was going to kill her daughter.

Do not turn into this woman. Please.

SuburbanCrofter Sun 15-Jun-14 19:03:29

I haven't commented on this thread so far, but like twolittleboys I am checking in to see how you are doing. I remember reading a quote from Oprah Winfrey years ago (Googled it, turns out she learnt it from Maya Angelou): 'when someone shows you who they are, believe them'.

Your DH has shown you who he really is already - you don't need to wait till the baby is born. He will not have an epiphany and change. In fact, as others have said, the birth could be a trigger for his behaviour to worsen. That, sadly, is why ante-natal care usually includes leaflets about domestic abuse.

Wishing you strength in whatever you decide to do OP. flowers

twolittleboysonetiredmum Fri 13-Jun-14 20:39:38

I read this whole thread a few days ago , and am so hoping that you will update and say you've left him. I never normally post on threads, but I've been thinking about you and hoping you and baby are ok.

mrsbrownsgirls Tue 10-Jun-14 13:50:39

Brilliant advice from msgee. I wish my friend who has been with her alcoholic dh for 15 traumatic years could understand this. And my lovely former mil who after 60 years of crap wishes daily she had left him years ago

MsGee Tue 10-Jun-14 13:36:42

I have just read this whole thread and I know that it is so difficult. We can see things so clearly on the outside but its hard to have the same clarity when you are living this situation.

What struck me was when I started to read your post about how people have an epiphany once a child is here ... well I thought you were talking about yourself and thought that I do really hope that that is what happens - that once you hold your baby, you can really understand the need to protect that baby and make your DH to leave. Instead you are still hoping for your DH to have the epiphany.

You cannot change or control his drinking. You cannot plan your life in the (unlikely) hope that he has an epiphany. Work on having your own instead.

Cakecrumbsinmybra Tue 10-Jun-14 12:30:49

I know it will end up taking something big for me to leave him. And him getting drunk like that again would be "big" enough.

For me, DH definitely has ONE chance left.

Ahoy, I am sure you have, but please read through all your messages from February again. Nothing has changed and nothing will, whilst you stay together and you accept his behaviour. And more recently - I am still with DH because I want to know that I honestly tried my hardest to give baby a stable mum&dad life. You have tried your hardest. You can not fix this in the way you have been trying. You need to not accept it anymore.

if DH shows even once that his drinking comes before baby when it is here, he will be out. No second chances. I have made that clear to him and will continue to do so. This sounds like the proclamations in February. Please don't find yourself in this situation in another 6 months. Good luck Ahoy, please follow the advice of some of the posters on here.

mammadiggingdeep Tue 10-Jun-14 11:35:13

I really hope that when you hold your baby you have a final "fuck him" moment and decide to get yourself and bubba out of there.

The people who write that you're also a problem within this are correct in their views. You are playing multiple roles in his alcoholism (enabler and provoker to name but two) and you're very much still on the merry go around of alcoholism. Its very painful to actually want to get off that and that is why you are still not fully considering leaving him.

You also read Ahoy as being very much co-dependent (and you still want to try everything before walking away. What you forget here in that sunken costs fallacy is that the damage has already been done) and co-dependency is often part and parcel of such dysfunctional relationships particular when alcohol is involved.

I would be handing you a copy of Codependent No More written by Melodie Beattie as well as directing you to the nearest Al-anon meeting.

Your H's primary relationship is with drink. You, your child, your marriage infact everything else does not matter a jot. He has and remains surrounded by enablers.

It also makes me wonder what you yourself learnt about relationships when growing up, I bet you never thought this would ever happen to you but it did and yes it is happening.

AnyFucker Tue 10-Jun-14 11:12:05

He will have agreed but will be unable to do it. And the Op will have yet another "big decision" to make and another "big ultimatum" to give

all this is a monumental waste of time...time that could be spent by OP focussing on her baby and on herself

Jollyphonics Tue 10-Jun-14 11:04:41

As I said previously OP, you are prioritising alcohol over your baby. You are putting you husband's needs first, and his primary need is alcohol, and therefore you are also putting alcohol first. You will both love your baby, but he will love alcohol more and unless you leave him, you too will be showing more love for his alcohol than for your baby. That's how I see it anyway, and judging by the posts of children of alcoholics, that's how your child will see it too.

It's very sad, that so many lives will be blighted by his alcoholism.

You said earlier that you'd told him no more drinking during your pregnancy. What about the next 2 weekends when there are the big social events you mentioned? I can't believe he has actually agreed to stay dry throughout.

AnyFucker Tue 10-Jun-14 08:40:41

I agree with FJ. There comes a point where the partner of an alcoholic becomes part of the problem and you crossed that line some time ago, OP. You have a choice to subject yourself to more of the same treatment, your child does not.

FatherJake Tue 10-Jun-14 08:35:32

Unfortunately I actually think people are being too soft on you. You have said time and time again that you will put the baby first. You come across as highly intelligent and sincere. So now is the test. Now is the time when your baby is actually coming into the world and you have to show that you will put your baby first.

Earlier in this thread you said you would give him one last chance to change. He didn't and if anything he sounds like he's got worse. Are you going to let your baby be born with an alcoholic at his mum's side or not? Are you going to go home from hospital with your baby and an alcoholic who will be out within days wetting the baby's head. You've said it all along but seriously, this is no longer all about you.

I am always dismissive of people refusing to accept that people can change but in your husband's case, it will not happen - not while he socialises and mixes with his family and friends who are alcoholics.

mrsbrownsgirls Tue 10-Jun-14 07:20:37

ahoy I am so sorry. look after yourself and your precious baby x

I think everyone is saying more or less the same thing OP. Giving your DH a chance to prove he can be the husband and father you want him to be means digging in now and making clear that YOU not drink come first and that means ending the relationship now. Only then will you have 'tried everything', because you haven't tried this have you? It's crap timing, but I'm sure your RL support will come through for you. Not having DH in the delivery room would also be my advice. That would also be a huge signal that you mean business. Yes it sucks that he can't be there for his child's birth but these are the consequences of his drinking.

Paq Mon 09-Jun-14 20:31:55

thanks for you Ahoy, I wish you all the best with your new baby.

Try to get back to Al-Anon, or confide in someone you can trust. And, of course, Mumsnet is always good for support.

oikopolis Mon 09-Jun-14 19:24:03

great post Brucie
If the boundaries are going to have an effect, they need to go up NOW. The longer you wait after baby is born, the less of chance the marriage has.

Saltedcaramel2014 Mon 09-Jun-14 19:21:18

You are stronger than you think, OP. Try to look forward, not back. You didn't make a decision four months ago because you weren't ready to - that's ok. Lots of us have been there. You're an intelligent woman, you wouldn't have chosen to be with a man unless he had lovely qualities. But alcoholism and his type of behaviour is something you cannot fix. He has shown himself reluctant if not completely unwilling to fix it. Think of your life in five years time. What would you like it to look like? Can you picture it happening with him, really?

BrucieTheShark Mon 09-Jun-14 19:16:04

Ahoy - I totally understand what you are trying to do.

But I think your logic is skewed (unsurprisingly given the strain you're under).

You see splitting up as an inevitability, but won't split up with him yet as you want to be able to look back and say you tried everything.

But in reality, your best and only chance (and that is fairly slim) is to act NOW so that he understands your boundaries and that you mean it when you say what they are.

So that your relationship has not deteriorated beyond repair because he continues to put alcohol above you and, later, your child. And you feel so betrayed that there is no going back.

So that he experiences rock bottom while there is still time to make a change. He sees how you are loved and supported by your DM, Dsis, Dsil etc and can survive without him.

So that the truth is out there and he cannot hide behind lies, behave like the model father, blame you and PND or whatever. He cannot try to blackmail you with the fact that your child will be upset and will miss him.

But you have to mean it and be prepared to see it through.

Posters who really understand about addiction will say that even this approach is naive and that he won't change. But I think you would be able to say with more truth that you really did try everything.

LIZS Mon 09-Jun-14 19:13:32

You should also decide now where to draw the line.

What if he is on a bender when you go into labour, if he picks up a message in time will you want him at the hospital, drunk/sobering up , smelling of booze etc.
Likewise if he "wets the baby's head" with his mates/family afterwards, do you want him visiting or even worse arriving to drive you both home while still under the influence.
You arrive home with your precious lo and the place is a tip from the remnants of his night out, he doesn't see the mess let alone deal with it.

Please protect yourself and the baby from this.

JapaneseMargaret Mon 09-Jun-14 19:09:22

Good luck, OP - wishing you all the strength in the world to prioritise the right people, and make the right decision.

meandcoffeeequalhappy Mon 09-Jun-14 19:05:59

I will be really honest, I feel so very sorry for you exactly because you are talking about extreme ups and downs. Feeling ecstatically happy then deeply low. You are so strongly affected by your partner's behaviour and this is not how a relationship should be, it is a rollercoaster and part of the insanity of alcoholism. I had the same, it is why I stayed as long as I did, it made it addictive to me, it made me think we had a chance, it fed the belief that I 'had to try everything' even if that stage had already passed a long time ago, it fed my denial, made me believe falsely that I could ask him to stop and he would. Those bloody ups and downs. I'll bow out now and wish you all the best too.

oikopolis Mon 09-Jun-14 18:55:27

OP by allowing him at the birth you're giving him another clear signal that you are OK with being second to the drink. And that the baby is also second to the drink.

I'm sure you don't see it that way but he is an alcoholic and I guarantee you, he reads this in one way and one way only, and that is, "Don't worry dh I will allow you to drink even while I am heavily pregnant and giving birth, even on our anniversary. yes I have said the opposite but rest assured that in my heart, i am OK with you drinking. So drink."

He is constantly looking for things that he can read as an "OK" from you, and because you can't accept that he puts the drink first, you keep giving him the "OK".

if you care for your child and yourself you will put a stop to this. you are an addict too: you're chasing the high that you believe will come when he finally proves that you are more important than the drink.

and just like an addict, you will realise again and again that every high is followed by a crushing low.

break the cycle op
i wish you and your baby the very best.

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