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Red flag or not?

(134 Posts)

Me and dh have been married for almost 9 years, socially he plays golf a couple of times a month and very occasionally goes out for drinks in town with his mates. Me and my friends go clothes shopping and sometimes out for lunch. In the past I've been invited out drinking in town but having been out of the loop since having the dc feel that my confidence has gone.

On monday a good friend of mine invited me out this Friday for a few drinks around town and I thought why not. She ended the message saying it won't be a late one and you'll get the chance to wear that nice dress you bought. The dress is bright orange and short and I planned on wearing twith leggings and high heeled black shoes.

I read the message to dh and straight away he said your not going out in thatshock The dress was from Ann summers and because of this he thinks it's not suitable to go out in.

I can hand on heart say that our marriage other than this is good, we're very much in love very attentive. But I now feel that it's only been this way because I've been the compliant little wife that didn't want to go out on the town and was quite happy with shopping and meals out with the girls.

He says he loves me and is worried that I'll leave him for someone else, Ive assured him that I have no intention of being with anyone else.

Is he just insecure or is this the beginning of something worse?sad

mcmooncup Thu 30-Jan-14 10:52:41

A bit of insecurity / jealousy is sort of normal for many people.

But if he actually stops you going and attempts to control what you wear.......m'eh.

You say you have always been compliant.......do you deliberately not do things that you really want to do and are important to you because you know he will kick off?

No I've not been deliberately compliant, I've just not wanted to go out when asked so it's probably a bit of a shock to him that I want to start now. He's normally really laid back and has never kicked off.

meditrina Thu 30-Jan-14 10:57:49

Is this an isolated incident?

If he's simply worried that it'll be widely known that the dress is retailed by a sex shop, then it's not a red flag.

If this is one further example in a series of attempts to control your appearance or limit you social life, then problem.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 30-Jan-14 10:58:14

The correct answer to 'you're not going out in that' is 'I wasn't asking your permission... see you later'. hmm

It's disturbing that a) you admit to being compliant and b) that he thinks saying 'you're not going out' is acceptable in any context.

Joysmum Thu 30-Jan-14 10:58:35

Sounds insecure to me. Although I'm not excusing things, this is all new to your marriage again so will take done getting used to.

I remember when I got control of my eating disorder and dropped all my weight, my husband got very insecure and was worried I'd leave him. I've never given him cause to think that but could understand why he was feeling insecure. I reassured constantly. Losing weight didn't mean I wanted yo lose him too.

It took a bit of time and understanding but reduced to normal levels for him. It wasn't ideal and neither of us liked him feeling like that. He obviously hurt and I feel like he didn't trust me and though our marriage was flimsy. We got through it, if was purely lack if confidence in himself and feeling like he wasn't good enough for me and I could have my pick of anyone.

I guess for those who have been in abusive relationship this will be a massive red flag, for me in my marriage it would never be.

livingzuid Thu 30-Jan-14 11:00:08

Short of you going out naked he can't dictate what you are wearing! I assume the Ann Summers dress covers up more than what you see on an average Saturday night in town?

Have you spoken to him about your confidence issues? A night out on the town with friends and you feeling glammed up and at your best should be just the ticket to help you out. He should support this not try and control where you go and who you see.

Why can't you just say no to him?

Cabrinha Thu 30-Jan-14 11:01:26

I didn't even know AS did going out dresses?!
If he thinks it's a bedroom dress and it was a shocked /surprised rather than controlling "you're not going it in that" then (with 9 years+ knowledge of him) I wouldn't mind his reaction and I'd say "honey, it's fine! It's not a sex dress!" And that would be that.

Depends how else you/he behave.

livingzuid Thu 30-Jan-14 11:04:57

Sorry was he cool with you going out until you said which dress you thought of wearing? If it's the latter then he's being a bit insecure.

Jan45 Thu 30-Jan-14 11:06:11

You should and need to go out and have a social life with your friends and he needs to understand it can't be one way for him and another for you, it's pretty selfish.

As for him saying you will go off with someone else, this would concern me, why would he think this, it would actually make me wonder if there was trust between us.

This is the dress.

Yes he was fine with me going out, I've been out on a night before but normally for meals or to a friend house for girls night in.

Cogito I told him I am his wife not his possession and that no one has ever got away with telling me what I can and can't wear and that's not about to change

I'm just wondering if it's worth causing a row about a dress that I may not have worn anyway, I have other nice things I can wear.
We have had 9 good years of marriage this is totally out of character for him.

SnookyPooky Greece Thu 30-Jan-14 11:25:16

If you back down on the dress it could be the beginning of him controlling what you wear. Nip it in the bud.

MadBusLady Thu 30-Jan-14 11:27:42

That with leggings will look great and definitely not be a sex outfit. Did you explain about the leggings or can you do so now? Is there any chance he thinks you'll be rocking suspenders and stripper heels with it? Even so, my hackles would be right up with a command like that.

MadBusLady Thu 30-Jan-14 11:29:52

When you say "cause a row" you mean this will be the inevitable result of you not backing down?

CocktailQueen Thu 30-Jan-14 11:30:51

So it looks like he doesn't like the idea of you going out for drinks on the town where there may be other men present who may come on to you? Is that it?

Agree your dress is not a sex dress and will look great with leggings!

I'd go, and I would wear the dress!

Let us know what happens!

Thanks MadBusLady I thought it would look nice too, He knows about the leggings. I've worn much more revealing things when out with DH and he hasn't minded.

Bettercallsaul83 Thu 30-Jan-14 11:35:42

Nice dress, I think he's just insecure and worried someone will steal you..

Go on the night out and wear the dress.

No he won't cause a row but I'm angry with him and feel like I need to have my say iyswim. I was in an abusive relationship in the past and was told what to wear so maybe I'm over sensitive but he needs to know that I won't accept being told what I can and can't wear.

MadBusLady Thu 30-Jan-14 11:37:20

He's being totally unreasonable then. And he's also revealing some quite grim assumptions about how women's clothing affects their behaviour and others around them. Even if someone does hit on you in a bar, does he seriously think you're going to shag them BECAUSE you're wearing an Ann Summers dress? Insulting.

neiljames77 Thu 30-Jan-14 11:38:20

If you're wearing leggings with it, I wouldn't have a problem if I was him. If you weren't and it only just covered your arse cheeks, I'd probably wonder why you'd want to go out like that.

MadBusLady Thu 30-Jan-14 11:40:01

X-posts, it's not over-sensitive at all. Most people would be cross, with or without abusive past relationship. Hope you can get it sorted and he stops being bloody daft.

I think your right about him thinking that someone will steal me Better.
But what he needs to understand is that his behaviour is more likely to drive me away than the possibility of another man catching my eye.

I love him very much, we are good together, ok we have our ups and downs like everyone does but that's to be expected.

livingzuid Thu 30-Jan-14 12:34:47

Ooh nice dress! You could wear it with thick black tights or just on its own to be a bit more daring. It would still be fine.

He sounds very insecure. And should have been more thoughtful to what you went through before.

I would wait till you calm down a bit and explain how it came across and made you feel and see what his reaction is. He should trust you.

It is a very backhanded compliment in that if you wear that dress you will obviously look ravishing and fabulous so all men will immediately want you! Or he could have just said, go for it you look hot/foxy/beautiful/insertcomplimenthere and I can't wait to see you in it.

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