Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?(309 Posts)
I was going to name change but fuck it.
I have no friends. None. Not one.
I have no social life. I haven't been on a proper night out in years.
I am a SAHM and pregnant with DC2. We live in a city where we have no family. Just me and DP. Every night. On the sofa watching box sets. We have become far too co-dependent and I am filling up with resentment about it .
I had awful experiences at both school and uni with groups of girls who I thought were my friends and have ended up quite damaged and I think self-protective because of it.
I am a good person. I am kind and thoughtful and a good listener. I love company and really miss laughing with a friend over silly things.
However I have been told many times that I am intimidating. I really don't mean to be. Resting bitch face maybe?! I am smart and witty but also sarcastic, intolerant of idiots and am maybe just a wee bit judgemental. If anyone has seen Cougar Town I think I'm a bit like Ellie .
I am a wannabe 50's pin-up who drinks whiskey and quotes films with probably irritating regularity. I find it easier to talk to men in social scenarios (mainly because DP's friends are the only people I see in a social setting) but I haven't connected with anyone as a proper friend.
I don't like a lot of the designated 'girly' activities. I hate shopping. I hate romcoms and pink wine. I would rather eat my own head than go out clubbing in a big group of girls. I don't watch soaps or I'm a Celebrity. Hen dos bring me out in hives.
I made myself go to baby/toddler groups with DD1 and I hated every minute. As much as I love my DD I don't want to talk just about babies and BLW etc which is the experience I had. Competitive parenting everywhere.
In the past 5 years I have met 2 people who I initially thought I might be able to forge a friendship with.
One is a complete drama llama who dramatically declared herself an alcoholic then decided she wasn't and now gets drunk and rants on FB most nights. And once made a pass at DP. Needless to say she's off the list.
Person No.2 is someone I thought I had a lot in common with (50's clothing and kitsch etc) but is very much a Mimi and turns out has at least mild homophobic and racist tendencies .
I say hello to people on the school run but many of the mums seem quite cliquey (could be me projecting because of my bad experiences) and besides how do you turn a school run hello into a friendship??
When I see people on FB having big get-togethers or checking in on their sofa with their friends and wine I like I positively seethe with envy. Recently I have started getting really upset about the whole situation.
I have this vision of living somewhere where I make friends with a group of the neighbours and we have raucous nights in around the table laughing and listening to music. Sad much?? .
How can I make friends? Are there any people out there like me? At 33 am I destined to be this sad twat for the rest of my days? Has anyone been in a similar situation and changed it?
Alternatively are there any rent-a-friend websites?!
If you have made it to the end of this pathetic rant for you.
My friends don't have to be like me. One will text me with "Lol Hun" when I send her a rude jokey text. I would never use "LOL Hun" and she would never make a joke about female masturbation. But we get one another. She is warm. I was thinking about this thread the other day and pondering what my local mates have in common with me and the overwhelming answer was warmth and sense of humour.
We are all different, but if someone takes you for who you are, while you are being yourself and you appreciate them as they are, then you've got a friend. Ok, if you describe yourself as "alternative", as you've found, you look similar to someone else, but you are not like them, deep down. That woman has a different "sense of humour" to you and a different belief system.
Has anything good happened yet, as a result of starting this thread?
Sorry, I've just spotted up-thread that you're in Leeds.
Bunny you sound fabulous! (and just like me). My (few) friends are a bit tomboyish and alternative too. I just wanted to give you & and say, it's not you - it's them. It's hard being in any way 'different' from the girly norm and you will be viewed with suspicion by some if you don't go along with the herd. It's hard but at the end of the day, would you want to hang around with the glitter-loving, pink fizz swilling girly girls anyway? Where are you?
I agree with those who've said, very kindly, that you need to get over yourself a bit, and I say that because I recognise a lot of my younger self in your OP.
I think first you need to recognise that the bad experiences you had at school and uni were well over a decade ago, going by your age: are you going to let them define you for the rest of your life?
Secondly, other people have much richer inner lives than you might think. Don't be too quick to judge on school gate conversations. I recently discovered, for instance, that a girl at my antenatal class I only ever talked babies with has serious expertise in 18th-century porcelain.
And thirdly, it sounds a bit daft, but what really helped me get over myself was thinking about the social role of "inane" chitchat almost anthropologically. Small talk is far from pointless: it's called phatic communication and it functions as a signal that you are putting out friendly vibes, kind of like chimps grooming each other. If you don't engage in that kind of small talk, you're not signalling your desire to partake in more satisfyingly intimate social encounters.
I know I am quite late joining the party, but Bunny, man I could pretty much relate to everything you said! Now I promise that I wont start getting all gushing and emotional (but 1 drink at the mo and I am anybodys!), but I have had pretty much the same experiences with friends across the years! I currently have only 2 female friends who I can actually talk to, but find myself comparing myself to others who seem to have many, many friends. But I have never been able to fake bits of my personality to fit in. I have never fit in, only my husband seems to understand my dry wit and sarcasm, actually, sometimes my sarcasm is lost on him sometimes!!
I work with a mainly female staff, and find myself wanting to bang my head against the wall as they discuss their handbags, shoes, clothes, cupcakes, bunting etc. I have a sudden hatred of bunting,and floral nonsense, cath friggin kidston. Ah, I work with a herd of sheep! I want to read my Zombie book or Empire magazine without having to listen to such gubbins. Maybe I do isolate myself a little!
I have a 16 month old DD, and also attended a mother and baby group, but most of the other mothers always looked at me like I had just pooped on the floor. I hadn't, but with the way they would look at you almost mae me snap and do something silly! You hear about people making new mum friends for life when they embark on motherhood, so I put too much pressure on myself in the first few months to try.
I live in West Yorkshire, and I am always up for a coffee and and chat.
Wow I can ramble on!
I'm in W.Yorkshire and would love to met up.
Though i don't wear make-up but do love heels and galleries and museums and art and independant cinem
I have some close friends but they live various distances from me, they are all very different types of people and i love that about them - i have occassional coffee dates but no one pops round for a cuppa.
And i'm older then you and no dc's...but don't hold that against me!
PM me if you fancy an afternoon wander round a gallery! xx
I think you need to think less and act more.
Hear me out....
I'm a young mum, used to live in a lovely area with a lot of posh people, very cliquey and they were all abit intimidating, I hated it! So I moved back to my home town!
After a few months I realised why I moved away in the first place so after as year we moved back to said posh area, I enrolled my eldest child in preschool and I decided this time I would stop being so shy and judgmental and just talk to people! I set myself a task to talk to one new person a day, even if it was just a friendly hello.
It worked wonders!! I now know at least 50 people locally, I cannot do a preschool run without talking to at least 3 mums, not just a hello either, an actual conversation about our lives! And we go on play dates at least once a week.
I also signed myself up to the school PTA so I know people pretty well now.
Sometimes you just need to step out of your comfort zone and do the unthinkable.
Maybe these cliquey mums are really lovely?! Give them a chance, set yourself a challenge
Also, I am fat and have friends....
Attractive does not equal slim.
Yay I'm so glad to see others who like Ross Noble. Lots of people at work have never heard of him
There's a face... next muffin.
Step away from Facebook for your own sanity!
I'm an INFJ, geeky/shy/introverted. I can still enjoy shit telly (don't watch soaps but I do watch a lot of reality shows). Liking reality shows/makeup/shopping/soaps etc doesn't make a person thick or uninteresting and I think there is a bit of cultural snobbery in this thread. I don't think it's nastily meant, but I think when you're a person who's been picked on for being 'different' it can make you resentful of people who are 'the norm' even if they are perfectly nice and intelligent people. Your interests don't define your worth as a person. You can love Black Books and be a shit person, and you can love Eastenders and be a great person.
Have you thought about training to do theatrical make up?
My older DS and I are going out this Halloween as Vince Noir and Howard Moon (I'll be Howard). We're practicing a crimp to do door to door!
You think you're weird?
I'm on mumsnet and I don't even have kids!!
Ach bunny you sound fab and I'm gutted I live in London.
I saw Ross Noble years ago and my sides hurt for days and days afterwards. <checks diary for Oct>
YippeeKiYay I think that's very true. A while ago I did a Myers Briggs test - it told me I'm an ISFP, so I went and had a look at a Myers Briggs forum. The chat thread discussing ISFPs was massively long, full of people like me chatting away being all weird and introverted and excited they'd found like-minded people. I looked up DH's type on the forum and barely any ESFJs had posted anything. Certain types of people just aren't inclined to populate internet forums!
Just want to make sure all the Yorkshire people on this thread know Ross Noble is coming to Harrogate in October. I've seen him three times already but am going again. He is insanely funny live, he makes my face hurt from laughing.
I often think that slightly geeky/shy/introverted types (coincidentally, the same types of people who are more likely to watch 'good' TV) are overrepresented on MN Border. Maybe because (very broadly speaking) there's a certain type of person who spends a lot of their time on an online forum. Or maybe it's the Beck quote in the title drawing us in. But you're right. I posted upthread along the lines of "Don't write people off just because they talk about Eastenders", but I'm not an Eastenders watcher myself
Some of the advice on this thread has been 'don't be too judgemental, give folks a chance' but interestingly all the cultural references comedy or drama rather than the judgey ones. They're also been significant but minority so Data from Star Trek rather than Eastenders, Spaced/Green Wing/IT Crowd rather than Mrs Browns Boys. Not a whiff of the judging, your through to the final or reality shows.
As a guilty pleasure you may or may not watch the great British Bake-Off but no wonder many contributers to this thread struggle to find common ground once in the baby/school gate melting pot, 95% of the population are not watching Game of Thrones, Black Books or my current boxset crush - Nashville.
I'm always happy to find out about the latest Celeb reality show from someone who's passionate about it but it still rarely makes me want to seek it out and the lack of awareness about editing grates. I'd rather be emotionally manipulated by a bunch of fictional priests living on Ireland trying to work out if it's a small cow or a long way away but most of the school gate are going to see the Strictly Arena tour rather than quoting Beck lyrics (Radio 6 played new Beck the other day)
Missed the point totally there!
Give it a wee while first!
Glad to hear it Period Features. You'll be so happy when you have ditched the chub!
Not read the whole thread Bunny but you sound like the kind of person i would love to have as a friend. Good taste in music to I suspect!
You sound just like me im older though. I moved to new area 11yrs ago to escape DV havent made any friends here. Just me and DP watching telly everynight, we go out seldom usually to gigs.
Would love friends, just someone I could ring or go for drink with. I hate girly crap too, much prefer male company. I imagine people find me quite odd too ive got bright turquoise hair, have a alternative look which I think people find intimidating, oh and im the wrong side of 40.
We should all make a club
Join the discussion
Please login first.